by Gale Borger
A sobbing Mary still clung to Evo's side. A large black smear of mascara marred his pristine white tuxedo. She had one leg slung around his hip and the other around his thigh. Evo had to do the step-and-drag walk in order to continue to move in a forward motion. He dragged Mary while maintaining a hold on Sam. I watched in horror as Mary's dress hiked higher. Up over the tops of her garters it crept and a feeling of foreboding came over me that made me hyperventilate. The dress slid up until Mary did the one-cheek-sneak-peek, and I had to jump out of the way when Mrs. Waller squeaked and passed out next to me.
J.J. scooted forward and placed his western hat over Mary's 80-year-old thong-clad bum. Fred came out of nowhere and grabbed my arm. Totally shocked, we held our breaths and clung to each other as if watching a natural disaster unfold before our eyes.
In the meantime, Ted, in a bright yellow suit, wrapped his arms around Mary's middle, and Dad latched onto Ted's belt. They dug in their heels as Evo dragged all three of them down the aisle. Ted grabbed one of Mary's feet and pried it loose. Mary swung her foot back and cold-cocked him right between the eyebrows with her orthopedic shoe. He stiffened like a frozen banana and Dad let him go. Ted teetered for a moment and dropped like a stone right there in the aisle beside him.
Flash. Joy got a picture of Dead Butz lying among the rose petals with a square red mark in the middle of his forehead. Someone stuck a beer in his hand and Ted looked like he'd started the party a little early. Joy snapped that one, too.
My mother looked aghast. "Joy, that's not very nice. Poor Ted is out cold!"
Joy raised a brow and gave Mom an evil grin. "One never knows when one has need of good blackmail photos, Ger."
"Oh yeah, you're right. Better take another one just in case."
Fred and I snapped out of our shock-induced paralysis and caught up with Evo. A glowering J.J. still covered up what became revealed as a sparkly thong on Mary's boney butt. Mag came up behind Fred and grabbed both of us. Classy as always, she choked, "Oh man, that is just sooo wrong!"
Shouts of "Oh, my God!" and "Cover that thing up," echoed through the crowd.
The three of us sprang into action. Mag and I each grabbed an arm and Fred grabbed a foot. Separating Mary from Evo was like peeling apart wet Velcro. I would never have guessed the tremendous amount of force it took to peel one seventy-eight pound geriatric off of one six-foot-three and two hundred forty-pound groom. Mary continued sniveling about beautiful weddings as we carried her into the house.
As we passed Mom and Joy, the camera flashed again. Mary flinched and her pink purse fell out of her hand. A fifth of whiskey rolled across the grass. Joy picked it up and shoved it at Mom. "Look, Ger, Mary's been tipping. No wonder she's more demented than usual. She's probably drunk off her ass!"
Mom uncapped the whiskey and took a swig. "Yep, it's whiskey all right. Here, check it out."
Mom handed the bottle back to Joy. She tipped the bottle back and slugged some down. "If that don't beat all," she huffed. "Bitch didn't even share with her friends." She took another drink, capped the bottle, stuffed it in her own purse, and grabbed Mom's arm. They stuck their respective noses in the air and stepped daintily across the lawn. I swore I heard mutterings of, "At least it won't go to waste."
34
Hours later, with the last piece of cake boxed, the party winded down. Only family and close friends remained as we sat around the fireplace in Fred's living room. The smell of the crackling fire combined with the rich aromas of coffee created a peaceful ambience, and I relaxed for the first time that day.
By general consensus, we avoided talking about the "South American Incident" during the wedding. Evo put his coffee on the table and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. "I've heard through Ramon Nunez that the draining of the leaching ponds at the Devil's Eye Mine has been completed. They hauled it out of the mountains tankard by tankard. Nunez paid to run a fence down the mountain to the lagoon to keep wildlife away from the toxins until they can be eradicated. They still have major cleaning up to do, but at least the threat of overflow is now gone. Chavez is pleading for his life, and his bodyguard has finally been extradited to South America. The two of them can have fun together in prison for the next ninety years or so.
Fred asked, "What about Hank? Did you hear anything about Hank?"
"Hank turned state's evidence and will probably get off pretty clean. Then they'll ship him up here."
Sam sighed. "Well, that makes me feel much better about a lot of things." She squeezed Evo's hand. "At least we can get back to normal when we get home." She leaned forward. "Now that you have your doctorate, Tony, we can expand the Tombopata operation."
Tony looked at the carpet and ran his finger around the rim of his glass. "Uh, Sam, Evo, I've decided I'm not going back for a while. Ian has offered me a job at his new facility, and I've accepted. I didn't want to tell you until after the wedding, but I'm staying here for the time being."
Fred's eyes grew huge and she spazzed next to me. Her arm hit my back and her wine went down the back of my pants. Jumping forward, I barked my shin on the ottoman and howled in pain. "Dammit, Fred! This is a new suit you just wrecked! Now I have to get home so I can get this stain out. What's wrong with you?"
Fred continued to mutter unintelligible words as she slapped at the stain, dragging me into the kitchen and trying to shove my butt under the faucet. I fought my way free of her and stood dripping on her kitchen floor.
Evo strolled in, carrying yet another one of his now famous Gander Mountain outfits. "Thought you could use these, Buzz."
I shouted my thanks, grabbed the sweats, and ran to the bathroom. I came out as Evo asked Fred if Tony's choice to stay upset her.
Fred stuttered and stammered, making no sense at all. I pulled the waistband of Evo's sweats to the vicinity of my neck, and as I hopped on one foot, I measured the situation. "Yo, Fred, is the problem that Tony will be staying here, or with Tony in general?"
She shook her head no and chewed her fingernail.
"Is it that he's going to work with Ian?"
Fred bit off her thumb nail and shook her head no. "Just leave it alone, Buzz. It's nothing, I'm a little surprised, that's all."
"But, Fred.'
"Leave it, I said!"
"Fine, be that way. I'll leave it. Matter of fact, I'll just take my wine soaked self home." I yanked my wet suit out of the sink. I stomped to the back door and called my dogs. They came bounding through house, slowing in the living room in order to check out any snacks they missed. They zipped out the front door. "Ungrateful wretches," I said.
Mom smiled. "They're just ready to go home, Buzz. It's been a long day for everyone. She patted Dad's knee. "Come on, Bill Miller, let's hit the road."
J.J. hopped up and bounded out the door. "Hey, Buzz, don't forget me. You drove, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot. Come on, Green, the kids are already at the car, so pile in." When we were settled and pulling out of the driveway I turned to him and asked if he wanted to be dropped off first.
J.J. looked at me with an odd expression. "I'm going to your house, Buzz, it's our regular movie night. We're going to get into our jams, cuddle up in that great big leather chair of yours, spoon up some ice cream, and watch Young Frankenstein."
"Sounds like a great night to me, I thought you might be too tired. Let's go."
I pulled into my driveway and the dogs piled out. It was a race to the front door, and J.J. made it through first. "I'll get the movie, you get the food."
"Oh, J.J., I forgot that Wesley barks at Frau Blucher. He'll wreck the whole movie." I came through the door and saw that J.J. had made a pit stop. Young Frankenstein was in the VCR and I yelled through the bathroom door. "James Green, I'm warning you!"
J.J. opened the door and walked right up to my nose. He tapped the end and said, "Never fear, Buzzy dear, I shall share my ice cream with Baron von Wesley and he will never know Frau Blucher is on the television. Come on, Buzz, Young Fran
kenstein!"
"Oh, all right. I'll get the ice cream, but you get Wes."
"I'll start the movie. The dogs watched us bounce in and out of the room, excited because they knew our movie night ritual, and they got to snuggle with us and eat cool snacks.
J.J. and I collided as we dove over opposite arms of the chair. Hill crawled up and sat in the crook of my legs. Wes hopped up behind J.J., his butt hanging over the arm. J.J. threw his arm across my shoulders and pulled me closer. "What's up with this, Green, are you making more room for the dogs, or have you just discovered how irresistible I am?"
"I couldn't reach the remote," he deadpanned as he snatched it out of my hand and started the movie.
I popped open the carton of ice cream and dunked in both spoons. J.J. dimmed the lights and snuggled in close. We each had a spoonful of butter pecan heading toward our mouths when the opening credits began to roll.
Wesley's head popped up and he let fly with a frenzy of barking. "Aw man, stop. The movie hasn't even started yet."
Woo, Woo, Woowoowoo
"Shut him up, J.J. Stuff him with ice cream or something!"
"Wes, come here, boy."
Woo, Wuh, Wuh, Woo, Woo.
"J.J., I told you he would do this."
"Wesley, enough now, here's a treat. You can stop barking now and watch the movie."
Wuh, wuff, (sneeze) Woo, Woo, Woo.
"Forget the treat Wes. Stop it now! J.J., how are we going to watch the movie over that din? Wes is going crazy!"
Woo, Woo.
I clicked off the movie and Wes shut up, proudly grinning and wagging his tail.
I pushed start and Wes took up the chorus. Woo, Woowoowoo.
I clicked stop and Wes stopped.
I sighed and gave J.J. the "I told you so" look. J.J. tried hard not to laugh and failed miserably. "Please don't tell me the dog knows the musical score."
"I guess he does. Want to try a different movie?"
"Either that or lock up the dog and wear headphones, I guess."
"What movie does Wes like?"
"How about Turner and Hooch? Wes and Hillary both love the French Mastiff that plays Hooch." I rifled through the VHS tapes and put the movie in.
We settled back and Wes draped himself across J.J.'s lap. He had ice cream on the tip of his nose. Hilary leaned over and delicately licked it off. J.J. and I shared a look over their heads like the proud parents of precocious children. The movie began and Wesley's attention diverted to the television. His tail began a rhythmic thumping as we all settled in to watch the movie.
As the final credits rolled up the screen, I yawned and stretched. J.J. yawned and stretched. Hilary woke and yawned and stretched. She delicately passed gas and gave me a dirty look. Wes took one whiff and jumped to the floor.
J.J. fanned the air with both hands. "Well, that was pleasant. We should take the kids to the movies more often."
"Any more often and the dogs will start repeating the dialog."
"True, true."
I got up and headed toward the kitchen. "Hey, I'm going to let these two out one last time tonight. Help yourself to whatever you want."
J.J. shot me an evil grin and waggled his eyebrows. "Okay, thanks. I'll come with you."
I unlocked the back door I stepped out with the dogs. "Oh, no need, I–"
I looked over my shoulder. J.J. stood only about two inches away. My stomach flipped and I swallowed hard. "I, uh, ah, uh, what?"
To this day I don't know whether he moved closer or it was my imagination, but all sound ceased and the picture in front of me blurred around the edges. I felt a moment of panic, and the image of J.J. panned in until I could only see his sea green eyes. They crinkled at the corners and I was a goner. "You told me to help myself to what I want," he said softly.
I felt myself sinking fast. "Well, spit it out, Green–what do you want?"
"You, Miss Buzz, only you."
I stared at him like an idiot. Oh crap, Miller. You're in trouble now.
He smiled and drew my arms around his neck. I sighed. The light clicked out and the velvet darkness settled around us. "Miss Buzz, it doesn't get any better than this."
I settled in closer and looked at his beautiful mouth. "I think it's about to."
Pffft. The raunchy smell rose quickly and choked us.
"Hilary," we yelled and J.J. opened the door to let us all back in the house.
I flopped on the couch and crossed my arms. Wes lumbered up and laid his head in my lap and I rubbed his ears. I smiled. Wes grinned.
"Want to know what I think, Wes? I think Hill just killed the most romantic moment in the life of Buzz Miller. You don't think she does that on purpose, do you?" Wes just grinned and wagged his tail.
I sighed and headed for the kitchen. Wes saw a snacking opportunity and followed in my wake. "Just goes to show, no matter how you look at it, my love life really stinks."
Wes grinned as I dished him up some ice cream.
"Ahem, just what is your definition of stinks, Buzz Miller?"
I spun, ice cream carton in one hand, bowl in the other. "I uh, that is…"
J.J. smiled and his arms wrapped around me. He tilted me
off balance and his lips met mine. Emotion welled from the depths of my being and I could feel it burn its way from me to him.
It could have been seconds or minutes–I neither knew, nor cared. When we finally came up for air, J.J. stared at me and slowly straightened. Still holding me he said, "What the heck was that?"
"I don't know, but it was beautiful in a terrifying way."
J.J. blinked. "You're telling me."
He loosened his hold and ran a hand through his hair. I bent to give Wes his ice cream.
Straightening, I thought this would be where J.J. would put everything into perspective, and we would go back to being best friends. I pasted a false smile on my face and prepared for the worst.
J.J. closed the back door and flipped off the kitchen light. He took my hand and pulled me toward him. I dragged my feet. "J.J., are you sure we're moving in the right direction here?"
"Yup."
"Are you sure the whole wedding thing didn't, you know, inspire this–thing?"
"Nope." He led me toward the door.
"Well then J.J., I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendsh–"
We stopped at the door to the living room. We heard a plop behind us, then slurping noises. J.J. went to hit the light switch and slid in the ice cream which Wes had knocked off the counter. I dove for the container and ice cream ran down my arm.
"Damn. Now I need a shower."
J.J. scraped ice cream off his pants and grinned. "A perfect place to continue this conversation."
He pushed me out the door and down the hall. Contented slurping noises resumed from the kitchen.
Gale Borger is the author of the hilarious Miller Sisters Mysteries, Totally Buzzed and Totally Fishy. Her short story, Totally Decked, delighted readers Christmas season, 2010. Gale is published by Echelon Press.
The Olive Branch Mystery series begins with Part #1, Death of a Garden Hoe. This is the first installment of six eBooks designed to encourage reluctant readers to "dig in" and read. Part #2, Digging up Dirt, is followed by Kill me Over the Garden Gate, You Say Tomahto, and I Say You're Dead, Hosta la Vista, Baby., and Everything's Coming up Roses.
Gale has a Bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice Administration, and a Master's Degree in Education. She lives in Southeastern Wisconsin with her husband Bob, their sometimes-seen college student (dragging a trombone and her dirty laundry behind her), two dogs, two cats, about 1,000 tropical fish, a Pac-man frog, two turtles, and more flowers in her yard than grass.
Visit Gale at http://galeborgerbooks.com