by Amy Metz
“Well, shoot.” Tess banged her hand on the steering wheel. You mean we’ve been sitting here all this time, thinking we were gonna tail him, and now we find out he isn’t even here? Some private detectives we are.” She started the car, but Caledonia stopped her.
“Betty, I haven’t had dinner, and I’m betting you haven’t either. Why don’t we treat ourselves to a girls’ night out at The Silly Goose? We’re here. We might as well.”
“That’s why I like having you for a partner. You always have good ideas.”
The women ate, talked, and laughed for over an hour. When they came out, it was pitch-dark.
Tess started the car. As Caledonia reached for the button to put down her window, she asked Tess to open the moonroof and the other windows. “Now that the sun’s gone down, the air feels nice. Let’s ride home with the wind in our hair.”
Tess did so, backed out, and headed down Maple Street, turned left at the stop sign, and started down the lonely country road toward Caledonia’s house. “Well, Al, this was a bust, but we can try again if you want. Do you know any of his plans for the rest of the week?” Tess adjusted the rearview mirror.
“No. He generally doesn’t tell me his plans in advance. I play the game ‘will he or won’t he’ nearly every day.”
“Will he or won’t he what?” Tess’s eyes again went to the rearview mirror, and her brow furrowed.
“Will he or won’t he be home for dinner.” Caledonia peered sideways at her friend. “What’s wrong? You keep looking at that mirror and frowning.” They were out in the middle of nowhere on a dark, lonely country road. Headlights filled the rearview mirror as the car behind them got steadily closer to Tess’s back bumper. Too close.
“There’s an SUV that’s been following us since we left town. Now it’s getting much too close; he’s right on our butt.” She was relieved when it backed off as they rounded a curve. Once onto a straight patch of road, Tess saw the SUV suddenly accelerate. “I—oh no—”
Tess never finished her sentence. They were hit from behind. A loud crash boomed as Caledonia screamed, and their car headed straight for a ditch.
Mama always said . . . By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
Caledonia brushed pieces of broken glass off her lap, vaguely aware that her head hurt, her ears rung, and her hands shook. She saw Tess leaning hard into the door, but it wouldn’t open due to the angle of the car sitting in the ditch. Suddenly, she felt another jolt and heard the sound of metal rubbing on metal.
“Oh my Lord, Betty. Someone wants to turn this car into an accordion. We gotta get out of here.” Both women attacked their doors, but neither would budge; the sides of the ditch pinned them in. Fear and panic shot through Caledonia.
Tess lay on the horn. “Maybe someone will hear us and come help,” she hollered over the sound of the horn.
Caledonia’s panic turned into frenzy when headlights filled the car again followed by another huge impact as they were rammed from behind for a third time.
“Oh my word, we’re in a heap of trouble,” Caledonia screamed, nearing hysteria. The sound of spinning tires on gravel, the smell of earth, and bright headlights filled Tess’s Mini Cooper. The SUV behind them was no longer ramming their car; it was now slowly crunching it like a trash compactor.
Caledonia snapped into action. She twisted around to reach the baseball bat in the backseat of the car. “Try to crawl out your window, Tess.” Caledonia was thankful they’d rolled the windows down as they left the restaurant and grateful for Tess’s paranoia with the bat.
She threw the bat into the ditch and put her hands at either end of the window’s opening, stuck her head out of the car, and pushed. With a little extra help from Tess, her knees cleared the door, and she fell hard onto the dirt. Using the bat as a cane, she climbed the side of the ditch, scratching her legs on the weeds as she charged like a bull for the SUV. She reached the road and began swinging.
The loud crack of her bat colliding with the windshield of the SUV amplified in the quiet stillness of the countryside. The driver yanked the car in reverse and started straight for Caledonia, who darted to the side and swung the bat with a wallop. It connected with the driver’s side door, emitting another loud crack.
The vehicle lurched, backed up, and sped off down the road. Caledonia raised the bat in the air, screaming at the car, “That’s right. You run away like a coward.” She scrambled down into the ditch to Tess’s window.
“Are you okay?” She pulled at the door, but it wouldn’t budge.
“I think I am, but I can hardly move with this steering wheel in my way. Are they gone?”
“You better believe it. I got in a few good licks before it scurried off back into the hole it crawled out of. Lousy no-good son of a biscuit. And I got the license plate too.”
“I think I can reach my cell phone; I’ll call for help. You keep a lookout. Make sure they don’t return.”
Tess called 911 and then Jack. Jack’s car arrived first. He scrambled down the ditch, his face a mask of terror. “Tess! Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Jack. I’m fine. But I’m pinned in.”
Two police cruisers, lights and sirens blazing, lurched to the side of the road about two minutes later.
Johnny and Hank went to Caledonia, who was standing at the top of the ditch. Johnny was out of the car before it stopped. He rushed up to her. “What in the world happened, Callie?”
Jack interrupted. “Let’s worry about the details after we free my wife.”
Hank scrambled down the embankment and put a reassuring hand on Jack’s shoulder. “I got a tow truck and a bus on the way, ETA five minutes. Hang tight, Jack. Tess, you okay?”
Tess craned her neck to look over her shoulder at them. “I don’t think I need an ambulance, Hank. I’ll be fine if I can just get out of here.”
Jack talked soothingly to his wife, while Hank climbed out of the ditch, and Caledonia explained to him and Johnny what had happened.
“Did you see the perp? “What kind of vehicle was it?”
“It was a big honking car.” Caledonia shook her head. “But it was too dark, and the headlights blinded me. I couldn’t see hardly anything.”
“Do you know if there was more than one person in the vehicle?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t. It all happened so fast, and I was petrified.”
“Did you at least get the license plate?” Hank brushed the weeds and dirt off his pant legs.
“You better believe I did. It wasn’t hard to remember, considering it was one of those vanity plates.”
“What was it?” Johnny pressed.
“S-H-A-R-K.” Caledonia spelled it out then pronounced it. “Shark.”
“Holy smokes! That’s Louis P. Howe’s vehicle,” Hank said.
“Well I’ll be darned.” Johnny stood with his hands on his hips and stared off angrily into the dark night. “Louis has some ‘splaining to do.”
Back at the police station, Johnny was met by an irate Louis P. Howe.
“I was just getting ready to call you, sir.” Johnny was a big man, and he walked with authority. His approach caused a momentary shift in Louis’s otherwise superior demeanor.
“Me? Does that mean you found my car?” He stepped aside, intending to let the chief pass him, but Johnny stopped abruptly in front of him.
“In a manner of speaking. Did you lose it?”
“Hell no. I’m here to report it stolen. It was in my parking lot, and now it’s not.”
“When’s the last time you remember seeing it?”
Louis thought a moment. “I’d say it was lunchtime. I thought—hoped—one of you yokels had impounded it for some lamebrain reason.”
“No, sir. We don’t do anything lamebrained without a good reason.” Johnny smiled congenially at the man, which only made him more indignant.
“Are you mocking me? You think a stolen car is funny?” He stepped back, his hands balled into fists.
“Can you ac
count for your and your son’s activities tonight, sir?” Johnny remained calm.
“What’s my son got to do with it?”
“Just answer the question, please.”
“I was working. Jimmy Dean got dropped off at the movies and was supposed to walk to my office when his movie was over. We were gonna ride home together. Except we couldn’t because there was no car. Why are my and my boy’s whereabouts relevant to my car being stolen?”
“They’re relevant because your car was used in the execution of a crime tonight.” Johnny crossed his arms and watched Louis’s reaction.
Louis’s hands came up to rest on his hips. “A crime? What kind of crime?”
“The illegal kind.” The chief set his mouth in a thin line and narrowed his eyes.
“Chief, I do not appreciate your attitude here. This is a serious matter.”
“I’m serious as a heart attack. Do you have anyone who can verify that you were at work and your son was in the theater tonight?”
“I don’t know if Jimmy Dean still has his ticket stub, but I’m sure plenty of people were there who can vouch for his whereabouts. As for me, I was alone from about four o’clock on.”
“Did you speak with anyone? Write any emails?” Johnny pursed his lips.
“I did not. I was doing research the entire night.” Louis lifted his chin and pushed out his chest.
“Convenient.” The chief’s eyebrows rose. “What kind of research?”
“The none-of-your-business kind. The client/attorney privileged information kind. I don’t appreciate your innuendoes.”
“You didn’t go out for dinner?”
“My secretary brought a sandwich in for me before she left.” Louis pushed his hands in his pockets.
“I see,” Johnny said, sounding skeptical.
“Just what is that supposed to mean?” He widened his stance. “You think I’m lying about where I was?”
“I didn’t say that. But it is mighty unfortunate that nobody can account for your whereabouts. And earlier today you verbally threatened one of the victims.”
“Oh, hogwash. I didn’t threaten anyone.” The man’s face became red. “I’ll sue for slander!”
Johnny turned to the new night dispatcher, Martha Jane Shaw—most folks called her “Moppy”—and asked if she’d filled out an incident report with Mr. Howe.
“No, sir. He’d just gotten here a few minutes before you walked in.”
“How ‘bout you take his report of a stolen vehicle now? Call in Officer Northington to sit with Mr. Howe until further notice.”
“Until further notice?” Louis huffed. “You can’t keep me here.”
“I can, and I will.” Johnny winked at the man. “Sit tight. I’ll get back to you.” He turned to Moppy. “And send Officers Duke, Witherspoon, and Beanblossom into my office when they come in. Everybody’s working overtime tonight.”
“Yessir, Chief.”
Fifteen minutes later, Officer Witherspoon came into the chief’s office. “Found the car, Chief.”
Johnny raised his head. “Where?”
She slumped into a chair in front of his desk. “Over on Shinbone Valley Road. I pulled some prints off the car. I’ll bring them in and have them run.”
Johnny stroked his chin, saying nothing.
“What?” Velveeta sat forward. “What are you thinking? I see the smoke coming out your ears.”
“We’ve been looking at who would want Penny dead, but think about it.” Johnny cocked his head and raised his eyebrows.
“Why was she shot at the Culpepper’s house?” Velveeta was catching on.
“Exactly. Maybe that bullet wasn’t meant for Penny after all. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“That poor woman.” She touched her hand to her heart.
“So if we start looking at who might want to harm Caledonia, we have to remember she’s the only witness to Jimmy Dean’s vandalism of the school.”
“Yeah. Whatever happened to that?” Velveeta jiggled her foot.
“The wheels of justice grind slowly. We’re waiting for a court date.” His pencil bopped softly on the blotter in front of him. “Pickle has damaging information pertinent to Jimmy Dean’s shenanigans, and Caledonia reported earlier today that Louis verbally threatened her. Now Caledonia is run off the road in a car both Jimmy Dean and Louis had access to.” He made some notes.
“Oh, Lord.” Velveeta reared her head back.
Johnny jumped to his feet and paced up and down his office. “A shooting and someone trying to make a car and its occupants flat as a fritter is a might step-up from vandalism. But if someone did want to shut someone up, that would be an awful good way to go about it.” Johnny’s hand covered a yawn.
“Well, slap my sister and call her ugly.” Velveeta’s mouth hung open.
Johnny ignored her, deep in thought. “We need to confirm both alibis.” He sat at his desk and picked up the phone.
Mama always said . . . Age is like underwear; it creeps up on you.
Tess couldn’t sleep. Her whole body hurt from the accident, and she was still a nervous wreck. Ezzie was sleeping at the bottom of the bed, but when Tess got up, the dog raised her head, and when Tess tiptoed out of the room, the Basset hound followed her into the kitchen.
Tess stuck her hand in the cookie jar, bringing out a chocolate chip cookie as she looked down at the Basset. “Oh, all right.” She took a dog treat from the little bowl on the counter and gave her one. “A cookie for both of us.”
Ezzie ate it in one gulp and regarded Tess with sad eyes.
“Seriously? You want another one?” Tess handed another cookie to the dog, resignedly saying, “Of course you do.”
Jack walked in just then with a broad smile. “There are my two girls.” He opened the fridge and pulled out the milk. “I knew you loved that dog.”
“Of course I do. Plus, I didn’t want her staring at me while I ate my cookie.” Tess tried to look grumpy but ended up with a sheepish smile. She took the glass of milk handed to her and sipped it.
“What’s wrong? You feeling okay?” Jack rubbed Tess’s back and kissed her neck.
“I’m achy all over and I guess still pretty shaken up. But I can’t stop thinking about Caledonia. Don’t you think it’s strange that Penny was killed at Cal’s house and then someone tried to destroy a car while Caledonia was in it?”
“You suggesting someone’s out to get Callie?” Jack led Tess by the hand back to bed. Ezzie hurried past them, and Tess momentarily tripped. “My sweet Grace,” he joked.
They were quiet until she settled into the crook of his arm. Ezzie hopped up and burrowed into the V of Tess’s bent legs, propping her head on her owner’s knee.
“Think about it. What if that bullet was meant for Caledonia and not Penny? I mean, why would someone not only try to run us off the road but try to crush the car with us in it?”
Jack hugged her to him. “Who on earth would want to kill Caledonia? You know everyone is saying Oren wanted to be free of Penny. I heard he’s already dating. That’s flat-out cold. Plus, y’all were in your car, not Cal’s.”
Tess sat up and twisted around to face Jack. Ezzie grumbled, moving and curling up on Tess’s pillow. “True. But maybe someone saw me pick her up and followed us.”
Jack grimaced. “That’s awful dramatic. But if you’re right, I can’t stand the thought of it.” He searched Tess’s face, and then he smoothed some hair off her cheeks. “You’re so beautiful. I’m so thankful you’re all right.”
“Focus, Jack.”
“I’m trying, but you’re distracting me.” He took her in his arms again and held tight. She snuggled into his side. Jack finally said, “It doesn’t add up though. Callie doesn’t have an enemy in the world. And while it’s hard to believe that Oren could be a killer, we know he wanted to be free, but there’s nothing wrong with Cal and Phil’s marriage, right?”
Tess tensed and Jack said, “Uh-oh. You mean something is wr
ong?”
“I don’t want to betray Caledonia’s friendship, but honestly, that’s why we were out tonight. We were tailing Phil. Or at least we thought we were. We had a mini-stakeout until it went bust.” She giggled. “Then we had a steak.”
Jack bolted up and looked sideways at her. “Are you funning me?”
“No. I wish I were. She thinks he’s seeing someone. She just wants to know the truth.”
“Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. I never figured Phil for a philanderer, much less a murderer.”
“We don’t really know for sure where he was tonight.”
“You’ve been watching too many movies. I mean, he can be a bit pompous, but a killer? I don’t see it. And their marriage isn’t that bad, is it?”
“They say you never really know a person. And one way or another, someone wanted to kill either Caledonia or me tonight.” She gasped and playfully slugged his arm. “You didn’t hire someone to kill me, did you?”
Jack hugged her to him. “No, darlin’. I’d sooner jump barefoot off a six-foot stepladder into a five-gallon bucket full of porcupines than have you die. I’d rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than see something happen to you. I’d rather have—”
Tess pushed into him playfully. “I get the idea. Maybe it was my ex?” she said, only half-kidding.
“Why would he? He’s the one who cheated on you. He wanted the divorce. He’s not paying you any alimony, so what pony does he have in the show?”
“When you put it like that—”
“Seriously. Your ex may be a jerk, but he wouldn’t kill the mother of his son. We could check his whereabouts last night if you’re really concerned, but it doesn’t seem likely.”
“My gut still tells me someone’s after Caledonia. I don’t believe in coincidences.” She reached over to stroke Ezzie’s velvety ears and added, “And it’s an awful big coincidence that she’s been a part of two violent crimes within a week.”
“And don’t forget the vandalism she witnessed a few weeks ago.”
“Oh, Lord. I forgot all about that. And Louis threatened her just yesterday. I went with her to report it and everything.”