Happy Families

by Janey Fraser

  ‘A bit different?’ repeated Audrey, eyes shining with unadulterated admiration. ‘I love a man who does the unexpected,’ she whispered loudly to no one in particular.

  ‘Those of you who have already read ahead—’

  ‘I have!’ chirped Audrey.

  ‘Teacher’s pet,’ muttered someone.

  Andy chose to ignore the interruption but felt himself sweat with embarrassment. ‘Those of you who have already read ahead’, he continued, ‘will know that we are meant to be talking about our own experiences as teenagers and how our parents – or whoever looked after us – dealt with them.’

  ‘I’ve got plenty to say about that one,’ whispered Paula, who worked with Jilly from the au pair agency.

  ‘But I’ve decided we’re going to skip that bit.’

  There was a loud murmur of dissent. ‘I was looking forward to this,’ pouted Audrey. ‘It really got me thinking.’

  ‘Me too,’ said someone else.

  Andy sneaked a look at Kieran. The man was grinning nastily. ‘Don’t want to go down memory lane, eh? Tell you what, mate, why don’t we all get up, one after the other, and tell the whole class about our teenage experiences?’

  ‘Brilliant!’ trilled Bohemian Mum. ‘I was talking to my daughter the other night – well, rowing actually – and she said I didn’t understand what it was like to be a teenager.’ She gave a nervous laugh. ‘She has no idea!’

  There was another ripple of excitement. ‘I know what you mean!’ The redhead nodded excitedly. ‘They think we were born middle-aged.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said the woman with all the kids, ready to dash down to the junior section. ‘My daughter still doesn’t believe that I once saw the Clash!’

  ‘Nor do I,’ muttered someone else.

  ‘All right.’ Andy threw Kieran a challenging look. ‘Who’d like to go first?’

  ‘I will!’ The redhead leaped up. ‘When I was fourteen, I stole twenty quid from my mum’s purse. That was a lot in those days.’

  ‘Why?’ asked the woman by the door.

  ‘So I could go on a day out with my friends to Minehead. I’d saved some money from my summer job but it wasn’t enough.’

  Really? She seemed far too proper and upright to steal from her parents. ‘What did your mother do when she found out?’ asked Andy curiously.

  ‘Told me to wait until my father got home.’ She made a rueful face. ‘I was sent to my bedroom for a week: they left my meals outside the door.’

  ‘Did it work?’ demanded Mum.

  Audrey’s eyes narrowed. ‘No way. As soon as I could, I left home. I felt dirty, you see. Ashamed of myself. Even now, I’ve still not forgotten it.’ She flushed. ‘I feel bad, telling you lot, but in a way, it’s also cathartic.’

  Several heads nodded. ‘What would you have liked your parents to do?’ asked Andy gently.

  ‘Talk it through with me instead of yelling. My dad never wanted me to go to Minehead anyway. Didn’t trust me, he said. Thought I’d get into bed with the first boy I met.’ Her voice was rising in anger. ‘Said I was no better than a tart. That’s why I don’t see anything of him any more.’

  ‘That’s sad,’ said Jilly. She was right. Maybe, Andy wondered, that was why Audrey flirted. Perhaps her self-esteem was low and she needed constant approval. Bloody hell, what was coming over him! This course was turning him into a flipping psychologist. Perhaps he could make a living out of it, like Dr Know.

  ‘So in a way, I lived up to my reputation. I’m on my third marriage now.’ She smiled challengingly. ‘If I hadn’t nicked that twenty quid, life might have been very different.’

  Wow! That made him see her in a totally different light. Out of the corner of his eye, Andy could see Kieran bursting to speak. There was no way he was letting that happen. Who knew what he might come out with? ‘I need to confess,’ Kieran had said. Well, not here, he wasn’t.

  ‘Let’s throw it open for discussion, shall we?’ suggested Andy. ‘The handbook suggests that we tell our children what it was like when our parents brought us up.’

  ‘Wait a bit, mate! What if we didn’t have parents?’ Kieran was standing up and looking around for mass effect. ‘I was in a care home meself.’

  There was a wave of ‘poor you’s. Sweat began to trickle down Andy’s back.

  ‘But it didn’t harm me!’

  Who was he kidding?

  ‘I was a good lad.’

  What?

  Kieran now fixed Andy with a steady gaze, daring him to disagree. ‘That’s why I don’t hold with all this psychological stuff you lot are coming out with. I reckon it depends on the kid’s personality and not where they come from. My own lad’s quite a good ’un, actually. Though my missus’s son can be a bit of a handful. Just as well he lives with his dad.’

  ‘Is that why you’re here?’ asked Jilly from the agency.

  ‘In a way. My own lad’s only thirteen but he might change when he’s a bit older.’ His eyes narrowed as he focused on Andy again. ‘Did you find that with your girls? Mel and Natasha, isn’t it?’

  Andy bristled. How dare he talk like that? And how did he know their names?

  The others could feel the tension; you could tell from the way Audrey was frowning. ‘I think we’re getting away from the subject,’ she said, giving him a sympathetic look. ‘Why don’t you tell us about your childhood, Andy?’

  ‘Yeah!’ Kieran was grinning. ‘Why don’t you, Barry – sorry – Andy!’

  Andy suddenly felt very calm. Very together, as though someone else had taken over. ‘All right, I will.’ He was looking straight back at Kieran now, hearing his own voice speak steadily. ‘I wasn’t brought up by my parents either. Someone else brought me up.’ An image of himself as a young boy flashed into his head: crew cut; tough face to hide the fear inside. ‘Unfortunately, I fell into the wrong crowd.’

  As he spoke, he was aware of a weird sense of relief. The guilt began to fall away from him like well-cooked meat from the bone. ‘When I was twelve, someone in my gang suggested that we—’

  Kieran’s face was white. ‘Maybe you ought to stop here, mate. I was wrong just now. You’re the leader, Andy. It’s not right to expect you to tell us stuff.’

  ‘No!’ Audrey was sitting forward in her chair, mouth open in expectation. ‘I think you’re wonderful, Andy, to share this with us. Please. Go on.’

  For a minute, Kieran’s interruption had made him lose his nerve but now Andy could see that this was the only way to feel right about himself again. Whatever the consequences.

  ‘The gang wanted me to—’

  ‘What the fuck was that?’ Kieran jumped up as though he’d been shot.

  ‘The alarm bell!’ The woman at the door with all the kids – was she still here? – was nervously looking up and down the corridor as a loud persistent clang reverberated around them. ‘I wonder what’s happened?’

  Everyone started to gather their things. ‘I think we ought to evacuate the classroom,’ said Andy, trying to remember Judith Davies’s instructions ‘in case of emergency’. ‘It might just be a practice but you never know.’

  As he made his way to the playground, Andy was aware of Kieran jostling along by his side. ‘What the fuck was all that about?’ the man hissed.

  ‘Thought you wanted to tell the truth.’

  ‘Not in a room full of strangers. What do you think this is? Bleeding Jerry Springer! ’Sides, I’ve changed my mind. The missus doesn’t fancy having a husband in the nick.’

  Andy looked at him with distaste. ‘You never had any intention of going to the police, did you? You just wanted to make me feel uncomfortable.’

  Kieran grinned. ‘Succeeded, didn’t I? But it still doesn’t change the fact that you and I have a little secret.’

  ‘So you are blackmailing me.’

  Kieran sniffed. ‘Well, someone like you ain’t going to miss a few grand, are you?’

  ‘Listen!’ They were in the playground now, in a little huddle. Th
e others were talking into their mobiles urgently. Hopefully they couldn’t hear. Andy put his face close up against Kieran, forcing himself to eyeball him even though the proximity made him want to throw up. ‘If you ever try to blackmail me or approach my wife and daughters, I’m going to make sure that the whole world knows about that night, even if it brings me down with you. Got it?’

  Kieran smiled, his little piggy eyes glinting. ‘Don’t believe you, mate. You’ve got too much to lose. I want a couple of grand by next week or else. Got it?’

  There was the sound of a whistle from the school buildings. It was Judith Davies. ‘Sorry everyone, false alarm! Shall we go back and finish off?’

  ‘Not me,’ growled Kieran. ‘I’ve had enough for one night. See you next week, mate. And by the way, cash will do nicely.’

  Andy was walking back to his car when he felt someone touch his arm. For a split second he thought it was Kieran, waiting for him. Spinning round, he was about to seize the man by the scruff of his neck but then realised it was Bobbie.

  ‘Sorry!’ She looked pale. ‘I didn’t mean to startle you. You were miles away!’

  She spoke lightly but it looked to Andy as though she was upset. ‘Is everything all right?’ he asked gently.

  ‘Not really.’ Her voice was shaky. ‘I don’t suppose you have time for a quick coffee, do you?’

  They went to what she referred to as their ‘usual’ place even though they had only been there once before. The waitress gave Andy a funny look; she probably remembered him from that drink with Kieran. God, the thought of that man made his blood boil.

  ‘It’s very good of you to spare the time,’ Bobbie began. Then, to his horror, she began to cry. Slow silent tears slid down her cheek.

  ‘I’ve got a tissue here somewhere.’ Awkwardly he began to search his pockets, hoping that the waitress wouldn’t think he was responsible for her distress. ‘It can’t be that bad,’ he said helplessly, ignoring his mobile which was vibrating in his pocket. Whoever it was could wait. There were some situations which had to come first and this was one of them.

  ‘It is, believe me.’ Bobbie shook her head. ‘I’m pregnant.’

  Great! The waitress chose exactly that moment to walk by! Her look said it all.

  ‘But that’s fantastic news!’ he spluttered. ‘Isn’t it? I’d have loved three.’ He stopped out of loyalty to Pamela, who had declared she wasn’t ‘ruining’ her figure any further. ‘What does Rob say?’

  ‘That’s just it!’ Bobbie began to weep again. ‘He doesn’t know.’

  ‘Shouldn’t you tell him?’

  She shook her head again. ‘I’m waiting for the right time but I know what he’ll say. He doesn’t want a third child. Never did. We can’t afford it, for a start.’

  ‘Then …’

  ‘It was an accident.’ She laughed hoarsely. ‘Believe me, there was only one night when it could have happened. We’d both had a bit too much to drink.’ Then she flushed as though she’d said more than enough.

  ‘Surely he’ll understand when you tell him.’

  ‘I don’t think so. Not from the way he’s behaving at the moment.’

  He couldn’t bear to see her so upset. It seemed very natural to take her hand and stroke it comfortingly. ‘You don’t honestly think he’s interested in his secretary?’

  ‘Actually I do.’ Bobbie’s cheeks were bright red. ‘I looked at his phone the other night and she’d sent him a text with a kiss after it.’

  Stupid man! ‘What did he say when you asked him about it?’

  ‘I haven’t.’ Bobbie was beginning to shred her paper napkin. ‘I was going to but there never seemed to be the right time. And besides, I don’t want him to stay for the wrong reason.’ She glanced down at her stomach. ‘It wouldn’t be right.’

  ‘So what are you going to do?’

  They were still holding hands, he realised, but Bobbie didn’t seem to want to let go.

  ‘That’s what I wanted to ask you.’

  ‘You’ve got to be honest,’ he heard himself insist. ‘Tell him everything. Marriage gets corroded when one of you has secrets.’ He gave a short laugh. ‘Trust me. I know.’

  A sympathetic light went on in her eyes. ‘You still think Pamela is having an affair?’

  ‘Possibly.’

  ‘Then you haven’t asked her either?’

  ‘No.’ He let go of her hands then. Instantly he missed them. ‘We make a right pair, don’t we?’

  She nodded, sniffing but smiling at the same time. ‘Thanks, Andy. I still don’t know what I’m going to do but I feel a lot better knowing I’ve got someone to talk to. I must go now but can I ring you if it all gets too much?’

  He felt flattered. ‘Of course.’

  She gave him a quick hug. ‘It goes without saying that you must do the same with me.’

  Without meaning to, he moved towards her and gave her a brief kiss on her cheek. The sort of kiss, he told himself, that a man might give the woman who was married to his brother-in-law. But as he drew back, he saw a woman staring coldly at him. Not the disapproving waitress but Audrey from class, who’d been sitting, he suddenly realised, at the table right behind him. Close enough, possibly, to have heard every word.

  Only later, when he returned to the house, did Andy find a missed call from George, his financial adviser, on his phone. It was too late to call him back.

  Besides, right now, money was the last thing on his mind.

  FUNNY BUT TRUE …

  ‘Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.’

  Anon

  ‘The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed.’

  Anon

  ‘Ask your child what he wants for dinner, only if he’s buying.’

  Fran Lebowitz

  Chapter 25

  BOBBIE

  ‘MUM! MUM!’

  She shouldn’t have told Andy she was pregnant, realised Bobbie as she nipped back into the house to fetch her purse, leaving the children in the car. Not before she’d told her own husband.

  Honk! Honk!

  But he’d been so kind and thoughtful. Far more so than Rob nowadays. Funny to think that she hadn’t really known him until the last few weeks had brought them together.

  Honk! Honk! Honk!

  ‘Coming,’ Bobbie called, making gestures through the kitchen window to indicate that she wouldn’t be long.

  ‘You must tell Rob about the baby,’ Andy had urged.

  He was right! But when she’d tried to broach the subject last night, her husband had virtually fallen asleep at the table before she’d even got to the ‘Don’t panic but …’ sentence she had so carefully formed in her mind.

  He was shattered. Too drained to talk after work. Just what Sarah’s husband had been like, before going off with his boss. Then – and this was the awful bit! – when she finally got to bed, she found Rob talking in his sleep.

  ‘Araminta,’ he was murmuring.

  Araminta!

  ‘You and me,’ he murmured again. ‘You and me.’

  You and me?

  Bobbie felt sick. ‘What do you mean?’ she wanted to say. But if she had it out with him, he might go. And if she told him she was pregnant, he might feel obliged to stay. Just as her father had done.

  HONK! HONK!

  The sound of the kids on the horn brought Bobbie sharply back to the present. How could she handle a marriage crisis and an ordinary day’s work of bringing up kids and missing purses?

  Shit. How on earth had it got there? Bobbie stared through the door of the washing machine. She remembered now. Picking up her purse from downstairs to go out and then rushing upstairs when Jack had called out that the loo was overflowing. Then she’d put on the washing machine. But somehow she must have put the purse in at the same time and now, there it was, bobbing around merrily with a collection of credit cards and receipts and goodness knows what else that
would, no doubt, bung up the filter.

  Still, that was nothing, compared with her husband going off with his secretary.

  HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!

  ‘I’m coming, I’m coming!’

  Oh my God! A clown face beamed out at her from behind the wheel. With that daub of pink lipstick and heavy maroon eye shadow, Jack was almost unrecognisable. ‘I’ve been practising my face painting,’ announced Daisy, who had Bobbie’s make-up bag open on the front seat. ‘Miss Davies said I could help her at the school fête.’

  Her new lipstick! Not only was it all over Jack’s face but it was also smeared over the car seat. As for her mascara, it seemed to be everywhere apart from Jack’s eyelashes: his cheeks; his ear; Daisy’s hands, which were now leaving navy-blue handprints on every available surface.

  Forget what she’d said earlier about not wanting Rob to stay out of guilt! Of course she did! How the hell was she going to manage with three children when she couldn’t even cope with two? Maybe getting pregnant was exactly what she did need to keep their marriage together. She’d just have to work out a way of getting rid of Araminta, that’s all.

  Ugh! What was that smell?

  ‘Pongo,’ said Jack, putting his arms around her in contrition. ‘He can’t help it. Can he?’

  ‘I’ve told you what to do,’ Sarah said firmly when she came down to visit their new home, which after four months wasn’t so new now.

  Bobbie felt sick and not just because of the constant nausea. Her waistline was already thickening so that she now had to leave the top two buttons of her jeans undone. ‘It’s too much of a risk!’

  ‘Nonsense!’ Sarah was walking briskly alongside her while the children were racing along ahead, rather too close to the canal.

  ‘Daisy! Jack! Tom!’

  ‘They’re all right,’ said Sarah airily. ‘I used to fuss like you but we’ve been learning to let go at parenting class. You should try it. You’re awfully tense, if you don’t mind me saying.’

  Actually, she did! Either the class, or the new friend that she kept talking about, had changed Sarah.

  ‘It can’t go wrong!’ Sarah was really pushing her now. ‘Trust me. It’s the perfect way to find out things about people.’