by Robin Huber
Me: How do you feel?
Gabe: I feel a lot better. Just wanted to say thanks for today
Gabe: It was really good to talk
Me: Yes. It was
Gabe: Thanks again for lunch
Me: Glad you enjoyed it
Gabe: Maybe we can do it again sometime
Me: I’d like that :)
Gabe: I’m glad you’re back
I hold my phone to my chest, feeling my heart settle comfortably into a little nest of Gabe.
Me: Me too
Gabe: Do you want to go to the beach with me tomorrow?
I smile and quickly reply.
Me: Yes
Gabe: Safe to assume you haven’t taken up surfing?
Me: Assume away
Gabe: I won’t bring my board
Me: It’s fine bring it. I’ll just watch
Gabe: Pick you up at eight?
Me: Sounds good
Gabe: Ok see you in the morning. Goodnight
Me: Goodnight
I bite my smiling lip and hold my phone to my chest. Startling me, it begins to vibrate beneath my hand. I turn it over to see who’s calling and reluctantly answer it when I see the name “Travis” light up the screen. “Hey.”
“Hi,” Travis says sullenly.
“How are you?”
He huffs quietly. “How do you think I am?”
“Travis...I’m sorry.” I don’t really know what else to say.
“I want to come see you. I want to talk in person.”
“Travis, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Please.”
“No.”
“Because of him?” he asks, unsettling me.
“What? No.”
“Then why?”
“Because...there’s nothing left to talk about.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because it’s over. I’m happy here. I’m ready to move on with my life. You should move on too.”
He doesn’t say anything.
“It’s late, Travis. I have to go.”
“Liv.”
I sigh quietly. “I’m going to go, okay?”
“Okay,” he finally says.
“Take care, Travis.”
“Yeah, you too.”
* * *
I yawn and sip my warm coffee as I gaze through the kitchen window, waiting for Gabe to arrive. It’s early, but the sun is already shining in the blue sky and the birds are singing outside.
The house seems so much quieter than it used to. Brandon was always the first one up in the morning. He’d usually be in the kitchen ready to greet the rest of us when we came down for breakfast. It’s never been the same without him.
I yawn again. After spending the evening reassuring my mother that Gabe and I spending time together is a good thing, I spent most of the night tossing and turning, trying to reassure myself that Gabe and I spending time together is a good thing. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his handsome face. I’ve fallen asleep to visions of Gabe countless times over the years, even with Travis’s arms wrapped around me, but the pictures in my head had faded over time. Now, when I close my eyes, I see him in ultra HD and it’s hard to look away. For hours I traced over the details of his face in my mind, followed the lines of his tall, muscular body, listened to his sultry voice speaking to me in that soft southern accent I never seemed to notice before.
It’s no wonder why I feel so tired. I yawn again.
I see Gabe’s truck pull up in front of the house and I quickly finish the last of my coffee, feeling the caffeine take effect—or maybe it’s the butterflies that have suddenly filled my stomach. Either way, I’m awake now.
I hurry out to greet him, not giving him a chance to come inside. I’m just getting used to being around Gabe again. I don’t need the added pressure of the Spanish Inquisition known as my mother. I smile when he steps out of his pickup wearing flip-flops, board shorts, and a faded, frayed baseball cap that looks as old as his truck. He shuts his door and leans against it as I hurry down the driveway with my beach bag slung over my shoulder. As I close the space between us, he gives me a big, gorgeous smile that shows off his straight white teeth and lights up his whole face. Ohh. My heart aches and swells at the same time. This is no ordinary smile. I know this smile well. This is my smile. The one that he always used to greet me with when we were younger. The one I haven’t seen since I was twenty-two.
“Hey, sunshine,” he says in that sweet southern voice, and my heart takes a diving leap into my stomach. How can he make me feel so good and so sad at the same time? How can I be such a masochist that I don’t even care which emotion he’s conjuring up, as long as he’s the one doing it?
I stand in front of him and peer up at his eyes in the shadow of his raggedy old baseball cap, that I now recognize from high school. The logo is from an old surf shop we used to go to, but it’s been closed for years.
“It’s been a while since you called me that.”
“It’s been a while since I did a lot of things,” he says, gazing down at me, and my heart glugs heavily in my chest. “I was kind of hoping I might get the chance to make up for that.”
I smile softly over the involuntary feelings of hopefulness I feel stirring deep down inside me. Hope is dangerous where Gabe is concerned. Hope makes me believe that we can be more than friends. That maybe he could love me again. That we could be together again. My mother’s voice echoes in my ears, warning me against the danger. I just don’t want to see you getting hurt again. But, the masochist I’ve become, I eagerly reply, “I’d like that.”
He gazes at me for another long second with his lips pressed together like there are more words behind them, and my heart races with anticipation.
Roxy barks once, startling me. I didn’t even notice her sitting at my feet. I swallow hard, still staring up at Gabe. “Let’s go, Rox,” he says, but he doesn’t move. He just stares at me and I stare back, and somewhere in between us is a silent conversation filled with all the things we never said and all the things we’ve ever said.
The air grows thick and it’s too much for my brain and lungs to manage—both abandon their posts. Unable to think or breathe, I’m slowly consumed by the hope I’m battling. I don’t have the will to fight it anymore. I want to believe that we can be together again. I want to believe that he could love me again. I want to believe that the current I feel buzzing between us right now is real. I want him to wrap his arms around me and press his mouth to mine. I want the words he’s holding back to be I love you. I want to be his again. Even if it’s only for this one fleeting moment. Even if it shatters me.
I want it.
Roxy barks again and Gabe looks down at her.
The moment is gone.
He smiles shyly, takes my bag, and opens the car door for me. He fumbles when he lowers the tailgate for Roxy and I wonder if he was affected by our silent exchange as much as I was.
I climb up into the cab of the truck on wobbly legs and Roxy sticks her nose through the open rear window. “Hey, Roxy.” I rub the top of her head, and she licks my hand.
Gabe climbs in and I can still feel the electricity coming off him when he closes the door. He glances over at me. “All set?”
No, I’m not all set. I’m not set at all, actually. I’m quite the opposite of set. What was that? What did you want to say? I may never know, but whatever it was is now sitting between us like a giant elephant. I try to ignore it. “Yeah,” I answer coolly, feeling more confused than ever.
I thought I could be Gabe’s friend. I thought that’s what I wanted, what I needed. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe my mom is right. Maybe it’s not a good idea to be spending so much time with him. It can only lead to more heartache in the end. I’m just setting myself up for it.
Gabe notices me glancing at the house watching for signs of my mother, whose cautionary words are now bouncing around my head like a pinball. “Forget something?”
I shake my head. “No. I just don’t feel lik
e dealing with my mom right now.”
“Ah.” He nods and scans the yard like a P.I., then he leans in close and says very seriously, “It’s all clear.”
I laugh, but the air is still thick between us, clouding my head. I can’t force a smile.
His face grows serious again. “Are you two fighting or something?”
“No. It’s just...” I shake my head, unsure how to explain that it’s him. “It’s—”
“Me.”
I look up at him, and his knowing eyes examine me. “My parents love you, Gabe,” I say truthfully. “My mom is just—”
“Concerned.” The corners of his mouth turn down. He rests his wrists on top of the steering wheel and stares at the house.
“Should she be?” I ask carefully.
He shrugs. “She just wants what’s best for you, Liv.”
I nod my head thoughtfully. “Well, lucky for her, I’m a grown woman and can decide for myself what that is.”
The corners of his mouth turn up like he’s fighting a smile and it instantly lightens the mood. He laughs once and puts the truck in gear. “Yes, you most definitely are,” he says, peering over his shoulder as he backs out of the driveway. “I won’t argue with that.”
“Well, as long as you know.”
I watch Gabe drive along the familiar road that leads to the beach, stealing glances at him out of the corner of my eye. The windows are down and the warm summer air that’s swirling around the cab of the truck has removed any trace of our silent conversation.
The muscles in his arms flex as he shifts gears and plays with the nobs on the radio until he finds the right station. “How do you feel?” I ask, thinking of yesterday when every muscle in his body was rigid and tense and trembling beneath me. It knots my stomach just to think about. I don’t know if spending time with Gabe is a good idea or not, but I feel innately protective over him and not being there for him is a far scarier thought.
“I feel good. Really good, actually. I slept...well.” He gives me a sideways glance that spikes my curiosity. I glance over my shoulder at Roxy, thankful he has her. Her ears are flopping around wildly and she’s biting at the wind.
“So, did you tell your doctor?” I ask, trying to keep the conversation on practical matters, assuming he sees a neurologist to monitor his condition.
“That I got a good night’s sleep? No, but I can fill him in at my next appointment.”
“You know what I mean.”
He laughs quietly. “Yes, Mom, I called him this morning and told him about the seizure.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be your mom. I just don’t know what the protocol is.”
He gives me a small, sincere smile. “I know. I always call after I have one. They like to keep track of how often they occur, how long they last, things like that. They’ve been pushing me to have another surgery, but–”
“Surgery? What for?”
“They want to remove the scar tissue on my brain from the first surgery. They think that’s what’s causing the seizures.”
“Oh. Would that stop them from happening?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, are you considering it?”
“No,” he says surely.
“Why? I mean, if there’s a chance it could stop your seizures—”
“It’s brain surgery, Liv. I don’t know if I want to go through that again. Plus, all the same risks are there. I could have motor skill problems, which would mean more PT. It could affect my personality. I could have memory loss.”
I nod over memories of him struggling to tie his shoes, and getting so angry when he couldn’t. “I understand.”
“I was lucky after the accident.”
Lucky? I give him a dubious look.
“I didn’t lose a single memory.” He flashes his eyes at me and I think about all the precious moments we’ve shared. “That’s not something I want to chance twice.”
I swallow hard and try to ignore the gutting feeling of our past being erased. “Of course.”
He holds my gaze and I’m pretty sure that he’s thinking the same thing. “Shit!” He slams on the brakes and I lurch forward in the seat.
I look up and see the glowing red taillights of the SUV in front of us and my skin pricks with concern.
“You all right?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
“You all right, Rox?” he calls through the back window, and she barks once.
“Gabe, are you sure it’s okay for you to be driving?” Is it safe for him to be driving? It’s probably a question I should have asked before I climbed up into the truck with him, but my brain was on sabbatical back at my parents’ house.
“Yeah. I told you, I’m fine.” He glances over at me. “I mean, I’m not technically supposed to, but I have Roxy and I always stay close to home. I’m just not used to having a distraction in the front seat with me.” He narrows his eyes, trying to make light of it.
I chew my lip and bob my head.
“I wouldn’t drive with you if it wasn’t safe, Liv. But if it makes you feel better, you can drive.”
I sigh and shake my head. “Can’t drive stick, remember?”
“Oh, I remember,” he says, smirking.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Well then, why don’t you teach me how?”
“Because I’d like to keep my transmission in one piece.” He glances over at me and I purse my lips.
Brandon tried to teach me how to drive his truck once. It was a stick shift like this one and it wasn’t a pleasant experience for anyone involved.
“Come on, let’s get some breakfast,” he says, winding the wheel and turning into Salty Lou’s parking lot, where we’ve eaten a hundred times before. They have the best chicken and waffles.
The diner is an old, white wood-paneled tin-roof house with a wraparound porch and wide windows that are painted with the weekly specials. It hasn’t changed a bit and by the looks of it, neither has the food. The gravel lot is already full of cars and the porch is filled with people waiting to be seated.
We climb out of the truck and Roxy prances around in circles in the back. “Rox, you wait here. Lie down,” Gabe says, patting a blanket in the bed of the truck, and she does as she’s told.
“You can’t take her inside? I thought that alert dogs are allowed.”
“People don’t really like to see a dog in a restaurant.”
“But she’s an alert dog. Screw those people.”
He drops his head so that he can look in my eyes. “Please don’t worry. I won’t have another seizure this soon.”
I furrow my brow. What if he’s wrong?
“If anything happens, just catch me, okay?”
“What! You have to weigh like two-hundred pounds!”
He laughs softly through his nose and wraps his arm around my neck. “Two-twenty.”
I’m momentarily distracted by that fact. Two hundred and twenty pounds of lean muscle. “Okay, you think it’s funny, but the thing is, I would try to catch you and you’d probably crush me!”
He shakes his head. “Come on, She-Ra.”
He leads me inside the diner and we file through the line of people waiting for a table.
“Hi, Gabe,” a pretty young waitress says to him. “There’s room at the bar if you don’t want to wait.” She winks and spins around, and bounces off to the kitchen.
Did she just wink at him? She can’t be more than eighteen.
Gabe looks down at me and asks, “Bar okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. Are you a regular here or something?” Please say yes. Please don’t say you actually know the prom queen.
“Yeah, I guess I eat here a lot. No kitchen skills, remember?”
“Oh, right.” I climb up onto a barstool.
“Liv Dalton?” I look up and see Audrey Miller standing behind the bar wearing a Salty Lou’s T-shirt. She looks the same, with big blue eyes and full lips, but her face isn’t as full and her wavy brown hair is cut short to her shoulder
s.
“Audrey”—I smile—“what are you doing here? I thought you were in Florida.”
“I moved back last year to help my parents restore the inn. They had a lot of damage after the last hurricane.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”
“It’s a work in progress, but since I’m pretty sure I’ll never find a way to apply my Liberal Arts degree, I’ve decided to learn a new trade. Inn keeping!” She laughs and so do I. “My parents need someone to take over eventually, so it’s a win-win for everyone. Except that they drive me crazy, which is why I’ve taken to waiting tables in my spare time.”
I forgot how much I liked Audrey. I think the last time I saw her was at Brandon’s funeral. I only vaguely remember her being there, but then again, I only vaguely remember being there myself. I was on heavy pain killers for my arm, which I used to numb the pain in my heart.
“So, how have you been?” she asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Oh, I, um, I’ve been...” A total mess. “I’ve been good.”
“Well, when did you get back in town?” Her curious eyes move from me to Gabe and then back to me.
“I’ve been back for about a week now. I’m staying with my parents, so I might need to start waiting tables too.”
She laughs. “You planning on staying a while?”
“Yeah, I am, actually.”
“Well, Lou’s hiring. I could definitely recommend you.”
“Oh, okay.” I hadn’t really planned on getting a job just yet. But I hate to pass up the opportunity. Who knows when or if another one will arise so easily? And alongside a friend no less. “You know what? That would be great, Audrey. If you could put a good word in for me, I’d really appreciate it.”
Audrey’s face lights up. “Okay, I will!”
“Thanks. That’s really nice of you.”
“Anything for a Dalton.” She gives me a little smile and it makes my heart involuntarily ache for my brother.
Audrey really liked Brandon. I may never know how much, but I’m guessing it was more than a crush. I’ve never given much thought to the fact that he spent the last hours of his life with her until now, but I have to make myself stop thinking about it or I’ll end up wrapped around her like a koala, crying on her shoulder. “It’s really great to see you,” I say softly.