by Robin Huber
“Stacey McGillis?” He shakes his head, and I raise my eyebrows at him affirmatively. “That’s not the same thing, Liv. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Oh, it meant something to her, believe me.”
He looks frustrated. “It was one time.”
“With her. Who knows how many others there were.”
“At least I didn’t agree to marry any of them.”
“I was confused,” I yell.
Disappointment chases away his anger. “That guy, Liv? Really?” He shakes his head. “The girl I knew wouldn’t have even talked to a guy like that.”
“Yeah, well, the girl you knew wouldn’t have had the opportunity to talk to a guy like that if you hadn’t thrown her away in the first place.” I regret saying it as soon as it leaves my mouth.
“Is that what you think I did? Threw you away?”
“No.” I close my eyes. “I’m sorry, Gabe.”
He exhales a quiet breath and drops his head. “I think maybe we should take a break. Things have been moving kind of fast.”
“A break?” I close the space between us and grab his shirt. “This is just a fight, Gabe. A stupid fight. It doesn’t change anything. Okay? It doesn’t matter what happened while we were apart. It doesn’t change anything,” I repeat. But when he doesn’t look at me, the hole in my chest starts to burn around the edges. “Is this how it’s going to be?” I cry, and frustrated tears leak onto my cheeks. “You’re just going to push me away whenever things get hard?”
His face twists up and I know I’ve hit a nerve.
“We both made mistakes without each other, but we can get past it. I know we can.”
He just stands there, looking past me.
I swallow the lump in my throat and lift my shaking fingers from his shirt, because I don’t know what else to say. If he can’t get over the fact that we’ve lived different lives, then maybe there’s nothing left to say.
“I should go,” I whisper, taking a few wobbly steps backward, until I’m confident my legs can carry me to my car.
I don’t see the trees I know are around me or the pine needles under my feet I smell baking in the hot sun. All I hear is the sound of my panicked breaths swirling up through my throat, and all I can see are the blurry tears that have filled my eyes.
When I reach my car, I fall into the driver’s seat and succumb to the pain that’s racing toward me like a tsunami. I hold onto the steering wheel and cry quietly against my hands. After a few seconds, I inhale a shaky breath and lift my trembling fingers to the ignition. I start the car, wipe my eyes, and begin to drive away.
I glance up at the rearview mirror when I hear Roxy barking. She’s chasing my car, making me cry even harder. She stops and runs back to Gabe, who is standing at the bottom of the stairs to his apartment. I try to keep my eyes on the gravel drive in front of me, but Roxy is barking wildly.
I glance up again and see Gabe collapse on the ground.
“Oh my God.” I slam on the brakes and open my door, and run from the car with my keys in my hand. I run faster than I ever have in my life, until I’m sliding onto the ground beside him.
He’s trembling uncontrollably.
“Oh, God.”
All of the research in the world couldn’t prepare me for this. It’s just as terrifying as it was the last time. I lean over him, not touching him, and wait for the seizure to end. But it seems to go on forever—definitely longer than the last time.
Roxy whines and circles us, nudging me with her nose. “I know. It’s okay, Rox,” I say to her, trying to convince myself. “Come on, Gabe. Come on.” I try to will him out of it, but his fists are clenched tight and his knuckles are white under the fresh bruises from hitting Travis. “Come on, baby.”
His body finally relaxes and his arms and legs fall limply against the ground. He lies in the fetal position with his head curled to his chest. After a few seconds, he opens his unfocused eyes and I grab his hand. “It’s okay, Gabe, you’re okay.”
He looks confused.
“You had a seizure, but it’s over.”
Roxy sticks her nose in his face and licks him. He can barely lift his hand to her head, but he tries. “Good girl,” he mumbles, “good girl.”
God, this one really did a number on him.
“Gabe, what can I do?”
After a long, silent minute, he rolls onto his stomach and tries to push himself up off the ground, but he’s weak. I duck under his arm and wrap myself around him so I can help him stand. “Let me help you. Please.”
He gives me a powerful look—one of vulnerability and trust—and I know that he wants me to help him, that he needs me to. Without faltering, I muster up every ounce of strength inside me to get him up the stairs.
He weighs nearly a hundred pounds more than me. Every step is a challenge, each one representing a different struggle we’ll have to face, like we did today. But I know that we can do it. Whatever life throws at us, we can make it, as long as we’re together.
I won’t leave again, no matter how hard he pushes me.
When we get to the top of the stairs, I help him to his bed. He closes his eyes and falls asleep quickly. I lie down beside him and hold his hand, crying silent tears, until I fall asleep too.
Chapter 19
Liv
I wake to Gabe’s brown eyes, soft in the light of the afternoon. He’s lying beside me in the same position that he fell asleep in.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“I’m sorry,” he says, reaching for my face.
I put my hand over his. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. Not this time. I am to blame for losing you before, and I nearly lost you again today.”
“You didn’t lose me. I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.”
“I was an idiot.”
“Yeah.” I smile lightly. “But I don’t blame you for getting upset about Travis. I’m sorry for what he said. But I swear, Gabriel, I never loved him. He was just someone who filled the void you left. I never should have let it go on for as long as I did. I was going to break up with him the night he proposed.”
“Can’t imagine why.” He smirks.
“As soon as he put the ring on my finger, I thought of you. I couldn’t wear it. Not when the only ring I have ever wanted to wear is yours. I told him that I couldn’t marry him the next day.”
“Is that why you left Raleigh?”
I nod my head. “Yes.”
“Well, I guess I should thank the guy then.”
“He’s obviously having a hard time letting go, but I didn’t mean for you to get involved. I’m really sorry.” I kiss his bruised knuckles.
“It’s understandable. You’re not an easy girl to let go.” He laces his fingers with mine and I scoot closer to him. “And you don’t need to apologize for being with him, or anyone else, when I’m the one who pushed you away in the first place.”
“Gabe—”
“I was in agony without you, Liv. The loneliness, the longing just to feel something...someone. I wish I could have been there to make you feel safe and wanted. But I’m glad someone did. You deserved to feel loved, even if you didn’t love him back.” He rubs his thumb over my cheek and catches a stray tear. “I’m sorry about what Stacey said to you.”
I shake my head and kiss the inside of his palm. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care about her or what happened while we were apart. The only thing that matters now is us. Me and you and our future together.”
“Me and you.”
“No matter what.”
He smiles and I watch the weight of the day leave him.
I scratch his scruffy cheek. He didn’t shave today. From the looks of it, it’s probably been a few days. “You’re starting to look like a lumberjack. I guess it goes with the whole axe and tree thing.”
He laughs. “I guess I need to shave, huh?”
“It would probably be best. There are parts of my body that might object to you taking sandpaper to t
hem.”
He laughs and raises an eyebrow. “Well, in that case.” He sits up, but he still looks wiped.
“Why don’t you let me do it?”
“Shave for me?”
“Yeah. I can do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Trust me, okay?”
“I trust you, Liv.”
I smile softly over the weight of his words and lug his heavy body off the bed. “Come on.”
I lead him into the kitchen and he sits down at the table while I go collect his shaving essentials from the bathroom—a razor, shaving cream, a hand towel, and some moisturizer. I return to the kitchen and place the items on the table next to him.
He watches me fill a cup with warm water at the kitchen sink. “I love you,” he says.
I smile at him over my shoulder. “I love you too.”
I place the cup on the table beside the other items and pull my chair around so I can face him. I sit down and fill my palm with a little white mountain of shaving cream and gently rub it onto his face and neck. “Hold still,” I say, dipping the razor into the warm water.
He relaxes his face and watches me bring the razor to his cheek.
I pull it down toward his jaw, revealing a strip of smooth skin. “See. Nothing to it,” I say softly, rinsing the razor in the water. I begin to drag it across his cheek again, but I pause when Gabe brings his hand to my wrist.
His warm eyes gaze into mine. “Thank you,” he says, and I know that he’s not just thanking me for the shave.
“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you, Gabe.”
“I know.”
I lean forward and place a soft kiss on his lips, and he smiles when I sit up.
“Come here,” he says, wiping shaving cream off my chin, and we both laugh.
“No laughing,” I say, putting on my serious face as I carefully navigate the razor over his chin, under his jaw, and down his neck.
When I’m done, I wipe his face with the towel and rub a little of the moisturizer onto his smooth skin. “All done.” I lean forward and kiss his cheek, rubbing it with my own.
He pulls me into his lap and nuzzles my neck. “What smells like bacon?”
“Oh, that would be me. I guess I need a shower.”
He laughs and stands up, pulling me up with him. “I need a shower too.”
“How about a bath?” I ask, afraid that he might not have the energy to stand under the hot water for too long. “I’m tired and I would love to sink into a warm bath with you.”
“Okay.” The look in his eyes tells me he’s on to me, but I’m glad he’s letting me take care of him.
We make our way to the bathroom and I fill the tub with water. It’s late in the afternoon now, but there is still enough daylight coming through the small window over the tub to fill the room with soft light. I push Gabe’s shirt up over his chest and he tugs it off over his head. “Gabe.” I exhale a shocked breath when I see a dark blue bruise on the side of his ribcage. I follow it up his back to his shoulder. Travis didn’t do that.
He examines himself in the mirror. “Huh,” he says casually, “I must have hit the steps when I fell.”
“Oh my God.” My eyes widen with disbelief. “You might have broken a rib or something. You need to see a doctor.”
He twists his torso and stretches his arms from side to side. “Nothing’s broken. I’m fine.”
I nod reluctantly. “Okay, as long as you’re sure.”
“I’m sure. It’s just a bruise.”
I swallow that down like a cannonball and proceed to take my clothes off under Gabe’s watchful eyes. I don’t anticipate anything more than a warm bath wrapped in his arms. He’s too exhausted from the seizure and I’m not convinced he doesn’t have a broken rib. Still, his lust-filled eyes follow me as I step into the tub.
“Come on.” I hold my hand out for him and wait while he shrugs out of his jeans. Then he takes my hand and we settle down into the warm water together. The tub isn’t very big, but we manage to fit. I lean back against Gabe’s chest, careful not to push on his ribs, and rest my hands on his sturdy thighs. “This is nice.”
He rubs my shoulders and then cups some of the water in his hands and pours it over my breasts, rubbing his palms over them. “Mmm...very nice.”
I make a noise that’s a mix between a laugh and a moan. I can’t deny that it feels good, but now’s not the time. He doesn’t need to exert any more energy than necessary. “I talked to your mom this morning,” I say, trying to divert his attention away from sex.
“You did?”
“Yeah. When I was leaving. I stopped by the house and had a cup of coffee with her.” I don’t bother to mention that I nearly ran her over.
“That’s great. What did you talk about?”
I tilt my chin up and look at him.
“Me. Of course.”
I smile softly. “It was a good talk.”
“Well, I know she must be happy about it.”
“Yeah. She seemed happy. She was a little concerned when I told her about the seizure you had a couple of weeks ago.” I pause and wait for him to respond. When he doesn’t, I explain, “I didn’t know that you didn’t tell her.”
“It’s okay. I don’t always tell her, because I know she worries.”
“That’s exactly what she said. She also told me you had another one just a few weeks before that.”
“Did she now?”
“She’s just concerned. So am I. If you’re starting to have them more often, then maybe—”
“They don’t hurt me.”
“The one today did.”
“It’s just a bruise. It’s nothing.”
“What if you had hit your head?”
“That’s why I have Roxy.”
“I heard her barking. Did she lick your hands to warn you?”
“Yeah, she did.”
“And you still fell? Why didn’t you sit down?”
He drops his chin to my shoulder. “Because I was watching the love of my life drive away with my heart.”
“Gabe.” I feel horrible. If I had stayed just another minute longer, I would have been there when he had the seizure and maybe he wouldn’t have hurt himself. “I shouldn’t have left.”
“I pushed you to go.”
“Next time, I’ll push harder.”
He breathes against my neck and says, “Good. Don’t ever leave me. No matter how stubborn I am or how hard I push. Promise you’ll always stay.”
“Wild horses, remember?”
He kisses my jaw, just below my ear.
“Gabe, I want you to do something for me.”
“Anything.”
“Talk to your doctor about the surgery.”
He stops kissing me.
“I can’t lose you, not now. I know you weren’t badly hurt today, but you were hurt. I can’t imagine if something worse happened. If there’s even a chance that–”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Liv, before we got back together, I convinced myself I could be friends with you because I knew deep down, I couldn’t live without you.”
I tilt my chin up and smile. “I felt the same way.”
He smiles softly, but then his face grows serious. “It wasn’t long before I realized friendship wouldn’t be enough, but I knew my seizures were getting worse,” he admits. “They are getting worse. And I don’t know what it means.” His voice is laced with worry and regret. “I didn’t want to burden you with it, but when you asked me why I stopped loving you, I...I couldn’t lie. I had to tell you the truth. I’m sorry.”
I close my eyes and choke out, “You’re sorry?” I turn around, sloshing water over the side of the tub, and put my hands on his cheeks. “Gabe, you could never be a burden to me.”
“I’ll consider the surgery, Liv. For you. For us.”
I wrap my arms around his neck. “Thank you,” I mumble against his ear.
He wraps his arms around my back an
d asks, “Will you go with me to my next appointment?”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have your parents there?”
“You’re the one I want by my side if I decide to go through with the surgery.”
“Okay.”
He smiles and puts his hand under my chin. “Hey, wasn’t I supposed to take you on a date tonight?”
“We can do it another night.”
He shakes his head. “No. I’m taking you out tonight.”
“Gabe, you need to rest.”
“I did rest. I feel better. I’m already shaved and everything.”
I know he won’t give in, so I do. “Okay.” At least he’ll be sitting through dinner and a movie.
“We still need to get you cleaned up, though,” he says, grabbing my body wash—one of the many girly products that have taken up residence in his bathroom.
“Sorry about the mess in here. I’ll put all my stuff away when we get out,” I say, glancing at the counter that’s covered with my makeup and skincare products.
“No. Don’t.”
I look at him curiously.
“Move in with me.”
I smile and laugh. “I think I already have.”
He laughs softly. “I mean officially. I want you to bring all your things here. I don’t want you running back to your parents’ house every other day to grab more clothes. I want you here...to take care of me,” he says, affirming the big fat yes dancing around my head. “And I want to take care of you. I know this place is small, but I want to share it with you. I want it to be our home, for now.”
I smile so big it hurts. “I want that too. But what about my condo?”
“Well, if you still want to move into it when the time comes, I’ll understand. And if you don’t, well, I’ll understand that too.” He smiles and kisses me, and before I know it I’m melting into his arms and forgetting all about my little condo, and my resolve to abstain from him today.
* * *
I step out of the bathroom after putting the finishing touches on my makeup, including some extra concealer to cover the bruise on my cheekbone, courtesy of Travis. It’s just starting to show and I don’t want Gabe to see it. He might forego our date to drive to Raleigh and pummel Travis some more. It isn’t too bad. It’s more of a pink mark than a bruise. You can’t even see it with the concealer.