by Robin Huber
“Well, you better decide soon. Your surgery is in four days,” my mom points out, as if I didn’t know. I’ve spent the last four weeks being poked and prodded and scanned to get ready for it. And now it’s less than a week away, hurling toward me like a giant wrecking ball.
I’ve told them all that I’m ready for it. I’ve told Liv I’m ready a dozen times. But the truth is, I’m not ready. I’m terrified. I don’t know if I’ll be the same after. No one can know that, not even Dr. Franklin. And it’s eating me up inside to think I could wake up from surgery and not even know who Liv is. Or that I might not be able to tell her how much I love her. Or that I might not be able to see her beautiful face. Maybe none of those things will happen, but even if everything goes smoothly, how long will it be before I can hold her again? Before I can kiss her again? Before I can make love to her again?
I’m scared as hell to go through with it, but I am going to go through with it. I’m going to have the surgery because it’s the only chance I have to give Liv a normal life—one with kids that I can actually help take care of. There’s no way I could be left alone with a baby the way I am now. I can just imagine it. I’m holding the baby and I have a seizure and drop it, or God forbid, crush it under the weight of my body. But Liv wants kids one day and so do I. That’s the future we always planned together. The future I thought I lost seven years ago. But Liv’s given it back to me, and now the surgery will give it back to her. That is why I’m going to go through with it.
“As soon as I decide, you’ll be the first to know,” I say to my overly-concerned mother.
“Well, either way it’s just so wonderful!” She takes my face between her hands again and kisses my cheek.
“I was also trying to tell you, before you got so excited, that seeing as how I want to marry her and all, I’m appointing Liv as my medical power of attorney. So if anything does happen, she will be the one to make the final decisions.”
My mom’s face falls.
“Momma, if we were married already, she would be the one to do it, so...”
“No, Gabe, I’m not upset. I just don’t even want to think about that. You shouldn’t either.”
“She’s right,” my dad says. “You take care of the legalities, because it’s the responsible thing to do, but don’t you think for one second that any of that’s gonna come into play. You’re strong, son. Hell, you’re a hell of a lot stronger than me. And you’ve been through a lot worse than this. This is gonna be a walk in the park.”
I smile at my dad’s reassuring words. “I’m gonna kick this surgery’s ass.”
“Hell yeah you are!” My dad swings his arm around my neck and we both laugh. “Now, sit down and eat.”
Chapter 22
Liv
My eyes open to the soft sunlight that fills our little apartment through the covered windows. It’s early, but the songbirds that live in the trees on the property have been up for a while, chirping and singing in harmony.
I stare at the ceiling and watch the tiny dust motes floating gently through the air above me. Roxy circles the bed and lays her head on the mattress by my hand. She whines softly. She needs to go outside. “Okay,” I say, rubbing her soft head. I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed, but my body feels heavy. I don’t want to get up. I gaze at the alarm clock, which needlessly reminds me that today is August 15th, the anniversary of Brandon’s death.
How can one day hold so much weight? It’s just another date on the calendar...for most people. For me, it marks the beginning of the end of my innocence, in more ways than one. I gave myself to Gabe that night, ready to embark on the journey to adulthood. But I wasn’t prepared for the cruel heartbreak that life had in store for us. I learned how to survive, but the unsuspecting girl with hopes and dreams of a picture-perfect life was lost forever.
Roxy nudges my hand.
“Okay, Rox, come on,” I say, dragging my feet to the door. I let her out and open the shutters that cover the windows. The cloudless pink sky hints to a warm summer day to come. How can it be so beautiful out when I feel so sad? It feels out of balance.
I think of the rest of the world going about their day, unaware of my personal tragedy, and it makes me resent each and every one of them. I secretly hate the entire world for not feeling sad today. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s completely irrational and I know that there are probably tons of people who have their own reason for hating this day, or some other day on the calendar, but right now I feel like I’m the only one who feels like this.
I climb back into bed.
Not the only one.
I watch Gabe sleeping and touch his scruffy cheek.
Please keep him safe during his surgery tomorrow, I pray silently.
Gabe opens his eyes and gazes at me. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I hear the sadness in my voice and it makes me feel worse. I wonder if I will always feel like this on the anniversary of Brandon’s death. I don’t want to feel sad about it anymore, but I can’t help it, I just do.
Gabe reaches for my hand and holds it in both of his. I feel comforted by him, but sharing this day with him makes it more real. The wave pool of sadness that’s sloshing around inside me makes its way up to my eyes. Gabe wipes a tear from my cheek and pulls me into his arms. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. I know he’s thinking about Brandon too. He holds me and I cry quietly in his arms for a long time, until we both fall back asleep.
I wake to Roxy barking outside. Gabe gets up and lets her in, and by the looks of it, it’s the middle of the day now. I glance at the alarm clock.
11:30am.
Gabe climbs back into bed and pulls me into his arms again. I think he needs me today just as much as I need him.
“I love you, Gabe.”
“I love you too.”
“I hate this day.”
“I know, me too.”
“I still miss him...so much.”
“I do too, Liv.” His voice cracks.
I look up at him and my heart aches in a whole new way. I no longer focus on the pain I feel. Gabe lost a brother that day too and it kills me to see how much he’s hurting right now. I put my hand on his cheek. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore.” I pull his face to mine and kiss his soft lips. “Make me forget. Let’s both forget.”
He closes his eyes and kisses me firmly, and covers my body with his. He drops his head to my chest and inhales a deep breath, like I’m some sort of drug that will numb his pain. He wraps his hand behind my neck and pulls me up onto my knees so that we’re kneeling in the middle of the bed. He holds my face and gazes at me with piercing eyes. His jaw is clenched tight with emotion and his cheeks are flushed under the scruff that covers them.
He’s heartbreakingly beautiful.
The muscles in his jaw tighten as he closes his eyes and kisses me again. His tongue moves over mine, soothing my grieving heart, and tears fall from the corners of my eyes when he speaks against my lips. “Je ne sais pas ce que je ferais sans toi.” I don’t know what I would do without you.
I wrap my arms around his back and pull him close to me. He pulls my shirt up and I lift my arms so that he can slip it off. He tosses it on the floor and I see Roxy go lay down in the kitchen. He lowers his head to my chest, breathing me in again as he lays me back against the pillows. He gazes down at me and I gaze up at him—this beautiful man I’ve loved since I was sixteen—and I say another silent prayer to keep him safe during the surgery tomorrow. “I love you, Gabriel.”
A new emotion flashes across his face, and I know that it’s not grief, it’s fear. He’s thinking about the surgery too. Neither of us say it, but somewhere deep down inside us lives the tiniest shred of possibility that this could be our last day together. I push the tainted thought out of my mind. “Everything is going to be okay,” I whisper.
The little line appears over the bridge of his nose as if on cue. I reach up and smooth it with my thumb. “It’s going to be okay,” I repeat.
&n
bsp; He crawls over me, leaving hot, wet kisses in his wake that make my eyes close a little. Then he hooks his fingers in my panties and slowly slides them down my legs. He slips them past my feet, holds them to his nose, and inhales a deep breath.
“Are you smelling my panties?” I laugh.
“I never want to forget how you smell.”
I make a funny face, but I understand what he’s doing. He thinks he could forget after the surgery.
“You smell amazing,” he assures me. He drops his mouth to my ankle and kisses me slowly all the way up to my hip, stopping to breathe me in again. He kisses between my legs softly, just once, just long enough to make me moan and arch my back beneath him.
He drags his nose and lips across my stomach, alternating between deep breaths and soft kisses all the way up to my breasts, which get the added attention of his hands. I lie with my eyes closed, feeling his mouth on me, feeling him breathe me in, feeling his strong hands on my body.
He moves to my neck and trails kisses up to my ear. “I love you, Liv,” he whispers, and I can hear the fear in his voice now. He looks at me with desperation in his eyes, the little line permanently affixed over the bridge of his nose now. “No matter what happens tomorrow, always know that.”
I swallow hard and nod my head. “I know, Gabriel. I know you love me.”
“Promise me you’ll never forget. Promise me that you’ll always remember how much I love you right now, how much I have always loved you.”
“Gabe—”
“Just promise me, okay? Please,” he pleads.
“Okay. I promise.”
He nods his head and I watch the fear leave his eyes. But it lands right in the middle of my chest and I have to stifle the low buzz of panic that’s now coursing through me. I say another quick prayer. Please, God, please let him be okay tomorrow.
He kisses me passionately and I kiss him back, like it’s the last time I’m ever going to kiss him. I try to memorize the way his tongue feels against mine, the way he tastes, the way his full lips fit perfectly over mine. I wrap my hands behind his neck, taking note of the way his warm skin feels under my palms and the way his wavy hair falls slightly over my fingers. The left side of his head will be shaved for the surgery tomorrow, so I take a moment to appreciate his dark brown locks. I run my fingers through it, gripping it in my hands, and he moans, low and deep. “Je te veux.” I want you.
I nod, panting beneath him as he shrugs out of his sweatpants and kneels on the bed beside me. I want to trace every line of his body with my eyes, but he moves too quickly.
“Wait,” I say, and he pauses. “Don’t move.” I take in his exquisite male form, from his broad shoulders down to his strong thighs. I trace every line of the muscles in his chest and torso, lingering on his eight pack and the well-defined V that sits just below it.
He looks confused and a little concerned.
I smile up at him. “You’re just so beautiful.”
His cupid’s bow lips stretch into a wide smile over his straight white teeth and my heart skips a beat, fluttering inside my chest. He crawls over me and kisses me again, pushing my legs apart with his knees. He reaches between us and I feel his fingers glide between my legs. He moans into my mouth and I moan back to tell him that I’m ready, I’m so ready.
“Souviens combien Je t'aime...toujours.” Remember how much I love you...always.
“Toujours.” Always.
He sinks into me, filling me, satisfying me, and I don’t know which part of him to focus on first. I want to memorize every part of him this way. Every sensation that he sends through my body with his. The way that his strong arms cradle my shoulders when he holds himself above me. The way they feel flexing under my hands when I grip them. The weight of his body pressing against my hips. I close my eyes and savor the feeling of him moving in and out of me.
He paces his thrusts to a steady rhythm and laces his fingers with mine, pressing my hands into the pillows by my head while he makes slow, sweet love to me, alternating kisses on my lips with deep breaths against my neck.
I could make love to Gabe like this for hours, if our bodies would allow, which mine won’t. I can’t stop the orgasm I feel building.
“Not yet,” Gabe whispers, reading my body, which he knows as well as his own. He leans up and kneels beside me. Then he smiles and flips me over.
“Gabe,” I laugh into the pillow, which my face is now smushed into, and battle my hair out of my eyes.
He leans over my back, putting his mouth next to my ear, and says, “I want you every way I can have you today.”
I smile over my shoulder. “I’m all yours.”
He laughs and I feel the weight of the day leaving us.
Chapter 23
Liv
I glance over at Gabe in my passenger seat. He has to check in for surgery at 6am and the hospital is an hour away. Suffice it to say, it’s early. It’s still dark actually, but I can see the faint orange glow of the sun on the edge of the horizon with the promise of a new day—one that will mark the beginning of a seizure-free life for Gabe.
Nervous excitement floods me.
Gabe’s parents are following us to the hospital and my mom and dad are going to meet us there. It’s going to be a long day for all of us. The surgery itself should only take a few hours, but the pre-op and post-op procedures will take just as long. Once they take Gabe back, we won’t see him again until the afternoon.
I’ve been trying to prepare myself for when I see him after the surgery. His head will be partially shaved and bandaged, but he won’t have the bruising and swelling like last time. Most of that was incurred during the accident. I expect he’ll be groggy and he’ll probably have a massive headache. I just want to be there to comfort him as much as possible.
I made him a get-well bag that he doesn’t know about. It’s loaded with his favorite candy—Peanut Butter M&M’s, Jolly Ranchers, and Skittles—his favorite movies—Ocean’s Eleven, The Dark Knight, Creed II, The Hangover trilogy—a Men’s Health magazine, a photo book of all our old pictures, and lastly, a framed picture of Roxy. He’s going to have a lot of down time to fill over the next week. I figure that should get him through the first couple of days.
I reach over and rest my hand on the back of his neck, and run my fingers through his hair. “How do you feel?”
“Hungry”—he glances over at me—“and under-caffeinated.”
“Poor baby.” He wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight. He’s running on empty this morning. “Sorry,” I say, turning my head toward my window to sip my travel mug of coffee.
He narrows his eyes at me.
“Well, one of us has to stay alert. You’re about to take a three-hour nap.”
“I’m already looking forward to my first real meal. I probably won’t even get any of the hospital food until tomorrow.”
I rub the back of his head. “What do you want for your first meal? I’ll make it.”
He gives me a sideways glance and grins. “Pasta. With homemade marinara sauce. And chocolate cake.”
“Is that all?”
“That should do.” He winks at me.
“Okay.”
We pull into the parking garage at the hospital and the soft glow of the rising sun that accompanied the last ten minutes of our drive is replaced by bright florescent lights and signs that say In-Patient Check-In.
I’m suddenly filled with anxiety and just want to get the day over with.
Jackie and Danny greet us when we get out of the car and we all make our way inside the hospital together. My stomach is in knots, but I do my best to hide it.
“Dad, don’t forget to check on Roxy later, okay?” Gabe says to Danny.
“I won’t. I’ll head back to the house as soon as you’re out of surgery.”
“Let her get out and run for a while. She’s not used to being inside all day.”
“I will. Don’t worry about Roxy. I’ll take care of her.”
“I’ll
go see her too,” I say. “Later, maybe tonight.”
Leaving her this morning was hard for Gabe. She knew something big was happening today. She was whining before we even got out of bed and then she wouldn’t leave Gabe’s side.
We go to the check-in counter and although it’s not even 6am yet, the hospital is alive with bright lights and moving bodies dressed in blue scrubs. Some of them are passing through swinging doors, some are waiting by the elevators, others are climbing the stairs. The one behind the counter looks up and greets us with a big smile. Her red hair is pulled back into a tight bun and her blue eyes match the color of her scrubs. The name on her badge says Rachael.
“Checking in?” she asks, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Rachael is much too chipper for 6am.
Gabe lowers his head and speaks at a volume that’s appropriate for this hour of the morning. “Yes. Gabriel North. I have surgery scheduled with Dr. Franklin this morning.”
I count to five before she breaks eye contact with him and looks down at her computer. “Um. Okay...let’s see.” She glances up at him again and then drops her eyes back to her screen and smiles. “Gabriel North. Temporal Lobectomy with Dr. Franklin and Dr. Connelly at 8am.” Her smile fades. She glances up at him again with a perplexed look on her face, as if she’s wondering why the strapping man standing before her is checking in for brain surgery. I can almost hear her working out his backstory in her head. I’m not sure what she’s coming up with, but it must be a real tear-jerker, because a gloomy cloud has just settled over her sunny demeanor. “You’re right on time,” she says softly, and hands him a clipboard with several pieces of paper attached to it.
I’d like to tell her that it’s not that serious, but it is serious. What he’s been through is serious. What he’s still fighting through is serious. Whatever dramatic story she has come up with in her head couldn’t possibly compare to what he’s been through in real life. What we’ve both been through.
Gabe doesn’t seem to notice. Nor did he notice when she was drooling over him five minutes ago. He never notices the way women respond to him. I, on the other hand, can’t escape it. I’ve seen women trip over their own feet staring at him when he passed by them. One woman slid off her barstool the night we went to Charlie’s. He was walking in and she nearly broke her neck watching him make his way through the crowd.