“Why?”
“To go somewhere where no one knew them to see a doctor there.”
“Doctor? But my father has always taken care of them. Did he send them to a specialist or something? Which of them is sick?” The words were all rushing out of my mouth without pausing to give him a chance to answer. My mind was whirling with every possible horrible illness, but reality and the simplest explanation never even registered.
“Here, let us sit down.” Jackson led me back over to the gazebo steps and sat down beside me. “Olivia is pregnant, Jocelyn.” His voice was low and calm.
“What?” I shouted. Now it all made sense. The quick engagement, the sneaking around, the invasion of my wedding.
“I guess it happened over Labor Day weekend. Obviously, it was unplanned and now they need to get married quickly,” he explained.
“Olivia is pregnant,” I muttered. It would not sink in. This sort of thing did not happen to properly raised young ladies. Her parents must be furious. I could not believe she had not been disowned. “Who knows?” I looked back up at Jackson.
“Only the four of us. For obvious reasons, they would appreciate your silence in this matter. Neither of them is dealing well with it. William is terrified since he still has several years of college left and is in no position to support a wife and baby. He has no idea what he is going to do.”
“I cannot believe this.” I shook my head numbly. I could not comprehend the fact that Olivia had sex with my brother. I had barely kissed the man I had known my entire life, dated for more than four years, and had been engaged to for the last six months.
I sat there in Jackson’s arms as the world that I had always known and trusted disappeared around me.
“Everything is going to be all right, sweetheart.” Jackson gave me a gentle squeeze and kissed my forehead.
“How can you say that? Everything has changed.” I looked at him, stunned with disbelief.
“They are still the same people, even if they did not wait. It happened, and we cannot shame them for that.”
“You know I feel so foolish. I had confided in her all my fears about our wedding night the weekend after Labor Day, and here she had already…”
“Fears?”
I suddenly felt my face burning with embarrassment. “Nothing. Forget I said anything.”
“What fears could you possibly have about our wedding night?”
“Please, Jackson. It is nothing.” I felt so stupid.
“My darling, you are going to be my wife and we should be sharing everything with each other. No secrets. Now I realize that as of recently, you have every reason to be upset with me in regard to that policy, but I promise you from this day forward I shall never keep anything from you ever again. I hope that you can understand the reasons I had to keep all of this from you until now.”
I nodded in understanding, although I truly did not.
“Please, explain to me what fears you are having.”
“Jackson, I am sorry, but I simply cannot.” My face burned.
“There is nothing you can say that will upset me.”
“It is silly. Honest.” I looked at him with pleading eyes, begging him to just let it go, but his interest was not going to wane until I confided in him.
“If it concerns you, then it cannot be silly.” I took a deep breath, wishing I had kept my mouth shut.
“You are going to laugh at me. And trust me, this is not something that is proper for me to discuss with you.”
“I will be your husband in a few short weeks.”
“Eight weeks,” I corrected him.
“Alright. Eight weeks. Still, it is almost here. Proper or not to what society believes does not apply to us. We can discuss anything and everything. I promise you all that we discuss will stay between us and no one else.” Jackson squeezed me tightly.
“I am afraid I am going to disappoint you on our wedding night. There. I said it.” I covered my face with my hands from sheer embarrassment.
“Why in the world would I be disappointed?” He gently removed my hands and turned my face to look at him. His voice was soft.
“Because…you know.” I could not bring myself to actually say it.
Jackson placed his hand under my chin, gently forcing me to look him in the eye. “You are referring to us being together as man and wife for the first time.”
My face was scarlet, and I wanted to crawl under the gazebo and disappear from humiliation.
“Why in the world would you ever disappoint me?” Then he let a small chuckle escape his perfect, soft lips. “If we are being honest, I am actually afraid I am going to disappoint you.”
Now he was the one with the red face, which made me instantly smile.
“Well, at least it should be an interesting night with us both sharing the same fear.” Secretly I was thrilled that he was as afraid as I was.
“It is silly that we both have been raised not to discuss such important aspects of our lives. But you know, this relationship is solely between us and what we discuss is just between us. No one else needs to know. So if we have fears about sex, then let us discuss them instead of hiding from them. It is the only way either of us is going to feel better.” His words were so comforting and sincere. I instantly felt so much better.
Jackson kissed me gently on the lips, sending a fire of passion through me like no other. I reached up, caressing the back of his head, pressing him to me. The intensity grew stronger as his arms pulled me closer to him. I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. The chilly air disappeared as the heat from his body flowed through mine. Our breathing grew heavier and more intense and I could feel his heart beating rapidly through his dark blue vest. I too felt as if my heart was going to leap out of my chest. I reluctantly tore myself away from his clutches.
“We cannot do this.” My breathing was intensely labored.
“I know. I am sorry.” His face was as flushed as I was sure mine was.
“My love, I am sorry also.”
“Well, I do believe that chemistry will not be a problem on our wedding night.” Jackson gave me the cocky smile that I loved so much, showing off his dimples. “Waiting, on the other hand, that could be a bigger problem.”
“Waiting will certainly not be a problem; need I remind you of whom we are having a double wedding with?” He laughed and playfully scooted away from me on the step.
“No. I do not have a problem with waiting.” He squeezed my hand. “I guess we had better head back to the house. We have been gone for hours, and I am sure your family is probably starting to worry about you.”
***
William stayed over at Olivia’s house for the remainder of the day and even through dinner. I was glad, since it allowed me the time to fully process everything Jackson and I had discussed. The day had been truly overwhelming. The knowledge that I had gained scared me, because I knew in my heart it could have just as easily had been me instead of her.
I understood that fire, that passion, that overwhelming lust and the difficulty of stopping. It was impossible for me to feel superior to her in any way. The only difference between us was truly my fears, and even those had been lessened immensely today with the knowledge Jackson shared with me.
William and Olivia made their appearance shortly before seven. Jackson and I were sitting in front of the hearth in the family room, listening to him read Walt Whitman aloud. He stopped, causing me to look up when the two of them entered the room. Jackson stood and gave a sort bow as William bowed and Olivia curtsied.
“Please, come and join us. We were enjoying the works of Whitman and the fire. Has it turned colder outside?” Jackson was always the perfect gentleman.
“Thank you.” Olivia took a seat on the lounge across the room from us, but still did not make eye contact with me.
“Yes. It seems the temperature is dropping quickly outside and winter is well on its way. Hopefully not early, though. I am not ready for the snow.” William took a seat beside
Olivia and took her hand in his.
The two of them did look sweet and appeared to be in love. I looked at the two of them sitting across from me and could see the terror in both their eyes — terror of the present circumstances they were now facing and for the future, which was still unknown to them. I knew they were both worried about the assumptions and accusations people were going to make when the baby arrived early. I knew the concerns they both had about the shame that this was going to cause both of their families and my heart went out to them.
“Did you both have a nice day?” I didn’t know what to say to either of them.
They nodded but remained silent.
After a few minutes of deafening silence, Jackson began to read aloud again. By nine, it was time to draw the evening to a close. The four of us had successfully avoided any new type of conversation that would have helped ease the tension that hung over the room.
It was an awkward good-bye as William set out to walk Olivia home and I escorted Jackson to our front door. He had promised me that he would be by early in the morning to pick me up for church services. We kissed and hugged briefly. All romance felt earlier in the day had somehow disappeared with the sunshine and with the reality that William and Olivia were now confronted with.
***
Mimi helped me undress and climb into my nightgown. She looked as tired as I felt and was moving about slowly and uneasily.
“Are you feeling all right, Mimi?”
“Jus’ hurtin’ a lil ta-nit. Bin a long day’s all,” she replied as she draped my dress over the vanity chair.
“Amen to that. I did not believe this day was ever going to end.” I slumped down on my bed and threw myself back against the mountain of pillows.
“Wha’s got ya so upset, Miss Jocelyn?” She turned and offered me one of her motherly smiles.
“There are some things I honestly wish I did not know about. I believe sometimes ignorance is bliss.”
“Anything ya wanna talk ‘bout?”
“I really wish I could, but I promised not to say anything.” She sat down on the corner of my bed and patted my hand.
“Everythin’s gonna be fine,” she assured.
“I certainly hope you are right, because if you are not then things could get very ugly very quickly.” I threw my hands up over my eyes.
“Are ya sur honey tha’ ya don’ wanna talk ‘bout it?”
“Yes. Of course I want to talk about it, but I cannot. I promised.”
“Well, I believe tha’ promises only ‘plies ta people who’d possibly tell someum else, an’ that’s not me. now ya kno’ I’s never said a word ta no one ‘bout things ya’ve told me.“
And that was true. She was the one person in the world I could completely confide in my deepest and darkest secrets in without fear of being judged or betrayed.
“I know, Mimi.” I paused and settled down under the covers. “I am sure that you have heard about William’s proposal to Olivia and that we are now having a double wedding.”
“O’ course.” She nodded.
“Do you know why they want to intrude upon my wedding day?” Tears spilled over the brim of my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
“Miss Livia’s wif child.” I looked up at Mimi completely stunned, and she laughed. “Ah, honey. Do ya believe tha’ it’s a secret? Everaum knows but is bein’ too kine ta say nothin’ ‘bout it.”
“But why? If everyone knows, then why do they feel like they have to hide it?”
“Cuz yun ladies don’t git ‘n a family wa befo’ tay weddin’. It jus’ ain’t proper, so everaum’s pretendin’.” She smiled and kissed me on the forehead.
“I understand that it is not proper, but what is done is done and they are going to be married shortly anyway. Surely she won’t be showing by then?”
“Probably, but only a lil. She shud ve able ta pull it off. I’s hope so anyhows.” She smiled.
“Me too, Mimi. Me too.”
“Now, darlin’, tis time fo ya ta git sum sleep.”
We hugged each other tightly. I loved her so much. She had always been here for me through all the trials of my life. It was difficult for me to imagine going off and starting a new life without seeing her every day.
“Thank you, Mimi. I love you.”
“I’s luv ya too, Miss Jocelyn.” She blew out the oil lamps and closed my door on her way out.
I lay there in the dark, watching the shadows dance across my walls. The big tree in the front yard outside my window was blowing in the breeze, making bizarre shapes by the light of the moon. With Halloween such a short time away and the autumn festival around the corner, the weather was perfect in every fashion; dark, cold, and dreary with the smell of frost that had not yet decided to settle in for the winter stay.
My bed was warm and comforting, but I still could not find any solace beneath the troubles that weighed so heavy on my heart. I could not imagine what must be going on in Olivia’s mind as she lay next door in her bed, waiting for sleep to take away her pain. My heart went out for her in her confusion between the joy of her upcoming nuptials along with the arrival of her baby and the certain shame and fear she must be living with every minute that our family’s and the world would discover her secret. I wondered if she loved William the way I love Jackson. I truly hoped she did.
I wanted so badly to speak with her, to offer her comfort and understanding. I also wanted to understand how she could have been so foolish.
When sleep finally found me, my heart was still heavy with grief and my head still whirling with thoughts I could not escape.
CHAPTER 11
Saturday, October 17, 2009
UPON RETURNING TO MY ROOM after breakfast, my cell phone was buzzing on my nightstand. Thinking that it had to be Jenna anxious to give me a full report of the dance, I flopped across my bed and reached for my phone.
“Hello,” I answered, expecting to hear her launch into all the latest updates.
“Good morning. Are you feeling better today?” It was Jackson.
“How did you get this number?”
“Your brother. Is that all right?” How could it not be? God, I love his accent.
“Sure,” I muttered like an idiot.
“Are you feeling any better?”
“I feel great. How are you doing?”
“I am always wonderful.” He teased. “I am not the one passing out all the time.”
“Very funny.”
“What are your plans for today?”
“Studying. We have a psychology test on Monday, and I was thinking about getting a head start on it.” I wanted to come across as nonchalant as possible, afraid that he could see straight through me.
“That is right.” He paused. “We do have an exam on Monday. I had forgotten about that.”
“Pathetic. Mr. Rand reminded us yesterday before the bell, remember?” My attempt to tease him did not come off as well as I had hoped.
“Do you want to study for it together? I could really use your help. I am a little behind since I was not there for the first part of the semester and some of that material will be on the exam.”
“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.” I took a deep breath. I honestly did want to see him again, but I didn’t do so well with him around. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to concentrate with him making my head swim. “I don’t think I’d be able to focus clearly.” I tried to choose my words carefully.
“Jocelyn, I enjoy your company and I would like to get to know you better. Plus, if I am going to have any chance of passing this exam, I am going to need your help.”
Why does his voice have to be so irresistible? “All right. We’ll try it.”
“Thank you. What time do you want to get started?”
“Noon-ish?” I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was a really bad idea.
“Great. I will see you then.”
I hung up and scurried over to my closet. I wanted something casual
but amazing. I wanted to look like I wasn’t trying to impress him, although I really wanted to. I tossed jeans, skirts, and an array of shirts and sweaters all over my bed but couldn’t decide on anything.
I grabbed my cell and called Jenna. She finally answered after the third ring.
“Yeah?” She sounded groggy.
“Get over here.” I was starting to panic. “I need your help. Jackson is going to be here around noon, and I can’t find anything to wear. I need to look spectacular without looking like I’m trying to. You know what I mean? Help!”
“Calm down.” She sighed. “I’ll be there in ten.”
***
Jenna strolled into my room with her hair pulled back in a ponytail and sporting an old pair of sweats. She must have had a good time last night.
She busted out laughing when she saw the mess I’d made of my clothes. “So you still want to tell me you’re not interested in this guy?”
“Oh, shut up.” I smirked as she started sorting through the pile. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Beginning to live again.” Her coy smile told me how happy she was to see me in such a state.
“Don’t start that. I shouldn’t even have agreed to help him study.”
“Study? Is that what this is about?” She held up a sweater for a second before putting it back in the pile.
“We have a psychology text on Monday. Since he missed the first few chapters that will be covered on the test, he asked me to help him.” I shrugged casually and held up a shirt in front of me, but Jenna shook her head.
“You know he didn’t even show up at the dance last night.” Her eyes gleamed.
I sat down on the corner of my bed. “I know.”
She narrowed her eyes and studied me for a moment. “How’d you know? Ethan told you?”
“No. Jackson was here, watching a movie with me.”
Jenna’s eyes got wider, matching her grin. I shrugged like it was no big deal. She didn’t buy it.
“Really?”
“It wasn’t like that. I didn’t even invite him. He just showed up and my parents let him in, not me.”
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