What I don’t look for are the scouts. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to know that they’re sitting in the stands with their notepads writing furiously about everything that I do wrong because according to my dad, I can’t do anything right. My passes aren’t hard enough. I run too slowly. I don’t zig and zag like I should when heading to the end zone. I don’t score enough. What he doesn’t understand is that each time he says something it makes me want to quit and I hate having that feeling. I love football. It’s my life. I know I’ll do great, but each time he opens his mouth I want to yell at him. I want to tell him to go to hell and that I quit. But I won’t. I have dreams. Josie and I have dreams. I can’t let her down.
It’s three in the morning on game day. I should be sleeping, but it avoids me even though I need it. I sit up and swing my legs over the side of my bed, my bare feet touching the cold hardwood floor. I don’t know how to shut off the voices inside my head, but staying here isn’t the answer. I put on the t-shirt I threw on my chair last night and my sweatpants and slip on my Nikes.
The window in my bedroom moves up easily and the early morning air causes my skin to pebble. This isn’t the first time I’ve snuck out and won’t be the last, but after the first time I was afraid the noise would alert my father, so I oiled it. I don’t know what he’ll do if he catches me and honestly, I’m not willing to find out. But I need to see her. I need to feel her and hold her against me. She’ll help calm my nerves and ease the anxiousness that’s building.
I shimmy down the rose trellis and take off in a dead sprint toward her house. The run is what I need. I’ll be nice and tired when I crawl in through her window. Sleep won’t elude me once I have Josie pressed tightly against my chest.
I don’t knock or even worry about waking her parents when I open her window. She leaves it unlocked for me each night. The first time we were caught I thought her dad was going to shoot me. He should’ve. I can’t imagine what was going through his mind, but he knows how my father is. I know Josie tells him about the way he talks down to her. I’d like to think Mr. Preston feels sorry for me. Instead of calling my parents he sat us down and talked about responsibility and college, and how he has hopes for Josie and doesn’t want to see her give up on her dreams because we were being stupid. I sat on the couch holding her hand and listening to her father tell me that I’m a good kid, instead of beating the shit out of me for sneaking into his daughter’s bedroom.
My shirt and shoes come off before I slide into her bed. She’s facing the window, almost as if she’s waiting for me. On her nightstand is my senior picture. I paid for extras so she could have one. It pissed me off that my mother would be so selfish and wouldn’t order enough so I could hand them out. Of course, she knew they were going to go to Josie, but what should that matter? I know I should be used to it, but shit, Josie’s my girl and she’s not going anywhere.
“Hey, Josie,” I murmur as I pull her comforter over me. I touch her hip lightly before moving my arm over her waist, pulling her to my chest. I bury my nose into her hair and close my eyes, inhaling her scent. I would stay like this forever if it could make my head stop spinning.
“What’s wrong, Liam?”
“How do you know something’s wrong?”
Her body sighs against mine. “You’re shaking.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, as I try to release my grip on her waist, but she holds my arm there.
“You don’t have to be sorry, Liam. If something’s wrong, you can tell me. I’m always here for you. Are you nervous about the game?”
I nod and try not to smile, but can feel my lips turning up. I kiss her below her ear and sigh. “How do you know me so well, Josie? Not even my parents know me like you do.”
Her fingers trail up and down my arm. I should be sorry that I woke her, but I’m not. Now that I’m lying next to her, I need her.
“We’re soul mates, Liam. You’ll always be a part of me.”
How she knows this is beyond me, but I feel something when I’m with her. She’s my sun and moon, the air that sustains my life. She can bring me down and make me weak in the knees with one look. If this is what it means to have a soul mate then I guess she’s right.
“Can I hold you, Josie?” I whisper against her skin. “I just want to hold you.”
Josie rolls over so she’s facing me. My eyes close as she softly runs her finger down the side of my face. She rubs the stubble on my chin before leaning in and kissing me. The feeling of her lips against mine never fails to take me by surprise. It’s like I’m kissing her for the first time, the way my heart rate increases, the tingling that I feel from her mouth brushing against mine. I get lost in the moment every single time. It’s the sweetest kind of heaven and for that moment, her kiss helps me forget about the shitfest that Sterling brings with him.
“I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but I’m here for you. You know that, right?”
“I know,” I reply, pulling her closer to me. Our foreheads rest against each other’s, our noses touching. All I have to do is turn slightly and I can press my lips against hers again. I know that if I do, it’s all over for me. My desire for her is already peaking and if I start kissing her, I’ll have her undressed and beneath me before I realize what I’m doing. As much as I need her, it’s a game day and I have a routine. I’m too superstitious to veer off course. No sex on game day, not until after.
We’ll win and after we do, we’ll meet at the tower and hang out. We’ll get in my truck and find a deserted road or go to the overlook where she’ll show me how much she loves me. And she does love me. There’s no doubt in my mind that Josephine Preston loves me. I just hope I’m enough for her.
Chapter 4
The school day drags on. I’m anxious to get out on the field and start warming up. I’m ready to put on my pads and helmet and hit the field. I need to feel the vibrations from the stands. Its opening night and I know the fans will be out in droves. We’re playing our cross-town rivals, a game that is usually played on Homecoming, but someone higher up thought this would be a good way to kick off the season. Honestly, I don’t care who we play, as long as at the end of four quarters, we have the winning number on the board.
The only highlight is watching Josie walk around in her short as sin skirt and tight shirt. No, I take that back. The highlight would be when I get to saddle up behind her and press into the flimsy excuse for briefs that she has on. I’ve told her over and over again those aren’t briefs but a true testament to a guy’s ability to wait, because each time I see her do a split I imagine myself sliding them down her legs, which is exactly what I’m thinking about now as I watch her walk down the hall.
I don’t know why I’m not up there next to her holding her hand. Sometimes I want to watch her. I love seeing her interact with our classmates. Does this make me a stalker? Maybe, but there are times that I feel like I need to hide in the shadows, like today. Don’t get me wrong, I love the praise I receive on game day, but we’re in school, we should be learning. Watching a game film in history class or discussing what scheme we’re going to run tonight in English is over the top. I love football. I study the game. I run each play over and over in my head every single day so when it comes to game day, I want to relax. I want my mind to focus on the War of 1812 and not the Wing T offense our opponents are going to run.
I know the teachers can’t help it. They’re excited. I get that. We’ve won the last three state championships and are going for an unprecedented number four. Mason’s expected to break the state’s rushing record too. That’s what I worry about, his record. I know he needs to break it to get some decent college looks and I can help him. I’m not worried about college. The scouts will be in the stands with their notepads writing down everything that I do right and even things that I do wrong. The phone calls will start soon. The coaches will make their intentions clear. I’ll sign in February and seal my fate. Division I football is all but guaranteed for me. My dad’ made sure. Th
e high intensity camps since I was eight. The elite summer programs that took me away from friends each year. I’ll give him credit; he saw potential and capitalized on it. I just wish he cared more about me as a person rather than a player. Why can’t I be more to him then QB1 of Beaumont High? Why can’t he see me as his son?
Why? Because he doesn’t care the way Mr. Powell does about Mason. Sterling only wants front page news. He wants to parade around in his business suit talking about stats and what college I’ll pick. As much as it would kill me, I’d laugh if no one came forward. That would show him… and me because I need college to make it to the NFL, but the look on his face would be priceless.
I step behind Josie and slide my hands up her legs and over her hips until they’re resting on those ridiculous briefs. I lean in and press my lips to the back of her neck. Her long dark hair is up in a ponytail. The ends are curled, making it look a lot shorter than it is. As much as I love my cheerleader, I look forward to the days when she’s not wearing her uniform. I love running my fingers through her hair and burying my face in her locks. Games days are all about looks. She has to look her best. Only her best are days when she’s wearing sweatpants and my jersey or one of my t-shirts. That’s when she looks beyond beautiful.
My fingers run along the edge of her briefs, teasing her. She shivers lightly. I’m driving myself crazy and she knows it. Josie won’t hesitate to use this to her advantage. I haven’t learned my lesson yet because right now I can’t do shit about the bulge in my pants. Not sure why I torment myself like this. All this is going to do is make me want to get tonight’s game over with so I can have her. So I can feel her skin against mine. I need her to keep me level headed and focused. After spending the night with her in my arms, I think I might need to break tradition and skip the tower. I need my girl, desperately.
“What are you doing, Liam?” she asks, her voice heavy with anticipation. I relish the way she responds to me. She may be my first girlfriend, but I’ve heard enough locker room talk to know that she wants me. When we’re together she’s not a cold fish like some of the guys have described their hook-ups to be. Her body knows my touch and craves me just as much as I crave her. I often ask myself why it took me so long to notice her. Why it took until sophomore year, and for Mason to get me to notice her, before I had the courage to speak to her. The only answer I can come up with is that I was so focused on making varsity and securing my starting spot that I had blinders on. I don’t know what it was about that day I asked her to homecoming, but I knew then that I wanted to be in her life forever.
“You know what I’m doing. I’m giving you a preview of what’s to come.”
Josie’s head hits the front of her locker as she sighs. She turns slowly in my arms, her fingers move along my shoulders and to the base of my neck. I love that my girl is all natural. She doesn’t dye her hair or spend hours tanning her skin under fluorescent lights. Her nails are real and kept short, but just long enough to dig into my skin at the right moment.
“Are you trying to break your self-imposed rules, Liam?”
“No, I’m just showing you what’s to come later tonight. I thought maybe you’d want a little preview before we have to focus on other shit.”
Josie teases my freshly shaved sides with her nails, causing my spine to tingle.
“What I want is for my super sexy boyfriend to go out there tonight and kick some ass so we can celebrate later.” She finishes me off with the lightest, but almost deadly kiss. I hate my life right now.
When she pulls back I look into her blue eyes and know she’s the voice of reason. I need my stamina for the game. I can’t let anything get in the way of the prize. Beaumont needs to win this game to prove we’re still number one and show them that it’s going to take an army to bring us down.
“I love you, Josie.”
“I love you too, QB1.”
My hands are resting on the collar of my jersey, pulling it away from my neck. I’ve been standing here watching Josie work a routine for the past twenty minutes. She’s left me with a walking hard-on since early this morning and I’m still hours away from being able to do anything about it.
I turn as Mason slaps me on the shoulder. He stands next to me, eying Katelyn, I’m sure. “Man, our girls are hot.”
I nod in total agreement. We do have the two finest chicks in school on our arms.
“Are you going to show her the eye black that you made?”
“Yeah, just about to put it on and go see her. It will piss coach off, but whatever.”
“All right, I’ll see you in the locker room.” I nod as Mason walks away, unable to take my eyes off my girl. She throws her head back with laughter, her smile bright and happy. I take one last look at her before the rest of the team comes out. I slip my helmet on and run out last. I purposely stop before I get to her and take off my helmet, sneaking up behind her.
“Hey beautiful,” I say, picking her up and spinning her around. She squeals, but laughs so I know she likes it. I set her down on the ground and face her. I watch her eyes as she takes in what’s on my face.
“You know you’re wearing the name ‘Jo’ on your face?”
“Of course I know. It says Jojo.”
“Yes it does.” She laughs, covering her face.
I pull her closer, kissing her deeply in front of everyone. The coach has a strict ‘no fraternization with the cheerleaders on the field’ policy, but I don’t care.
“I love Jojo more than anything,” I profess against her lips.
“You do, huh? Should I be worried?”
I shake my head, holding her face in my hands. “You’re my Jojo. Just mine,” I kiss her again before I turn and run toward the field leaving her on the sidelines ready to cheer for me.
I stop and turn, catching her ogling my ass. I smile and yell, “Hey, Jojo.”
“Yeah?” she yells back.
“I’m going to marry you someday.” Her mouth drops open and her eyes go wide. I wink before pulling the helmet onto my head and run out to meet the rest of the team. I know I’m young and just committed myself for life, but it feels like the first right thing I’ve done all year.
Chapter 5
I’m twenty-one; at least that’s what my driver’s license is telling the clerk at the store outside of Beaumont. Her attention flicks between me and my license as she inspects it, before she hands it back to me, seemingly satisfied that I’m legal. This is all a game to her. We do this every Friday night and sometimes Saturday. Each week it’s the same silent stare down as she pretends to calculate my birthday in her head.
She doesn’t tell me the total, she just holds out her hand for the cash. I hand her the wad that was waiting for me after the game and smile. She shakes her head as she bags up the cases of beer.
“Are you ever going to tell me your name so I can thank you properly?”
“Nah. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. This way when you get busted I can deny everything.”
I nod and gather the four bags that she’s given me to hide the beer. No one needs to fill me in on the consequences I’d suffer if I got caught; it’s the reason I volunteer. I want to see just how far this town is willing to go to protect their golden boy. How far will Sterling go to make sure the local police turn a blind eye? I have a feeling I could rob a bank and would walk out of the police station with nothing but a slap on the wrist. Sterling Westbury owns this town and it disgusts me.
I set the bags in the back and hop into my truck. It’s the only thing I own, besides my guitar, that’s mine. No, that’s not even correct. Sterling owns this truck, because I’m too young to have any assets of value. He just wants me under this thumb, wants me to be dependent on him. I am. I don’t have a choice. I’m a two-sport varsity athlete. I could quit playing baseball and get a job, but my father won’t let me. No one is going to hire me to work during the winter and summer. That doesn’t make me very dependable. He likes to monitor my cash flow and I know he hates that I spend the m
ajority of it on Josie. Knowing that pisses him off just means I’m going to spend more.
I pull into the field where our water tower is located. Only a few cars and trucks are lined up, most with their lights on to give us enough light to party. Music is low so people can talk without yelling and a bonfire has been started. I see a few couples walking off into the dark. No need to try to figure out what they’re going to do. From the looks it, we’ll be here a while. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I need some time with Josie. I have this ache that I can’t describe, but know that she’s the reason for it.
The second I throw my truck into park, Mason is there to get the beer. He pulls a bottle out, pops the top and downs the beer before I’m even out of the truck. Like I said, it’s going to be a long night. He had a good game, but it wasn’t enough to make much headway on his goal. Their defense was constantly blitzing and my offensive line kept missing tackle assignments. I’m lucky my ass didn’t get sacked a few times. The constant blitzing was enough to keep me on my toes.
My passes were weak and not as hard as they should be and Mason’s running game was only as good as the blockers allowed. It took him a while to find his groove. I can’t make too many excuses, everyone had a bad game and we won so I should be happy, but it’s not enough. It’s not enough for Mason or Sterling. Both have goals that I need to meet.
I grab a beer out of the bag before Mason takes off with them and look for Josie. It doesn’t take me long to find her. I can find her in any crowd. That’s how well I know her. Her presence makes the hair on my neck stand up. My body tingles when she’s looking at me. I don’t pretend to understand how love works, but I feel it. She’s in my bones. I need her to survive. I have no doubt when I’m on the field and she’s in the stands I’ll know exactly where she is. I know I’ll be able to look into the crowd and see her, feel her watching me.
Finding My Way Page 2