Finding My Way

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Captains are called to center field for the coin toss. The other team wins, electing to defend first. Whatever they want, I’ll give it to them.

  When the whistle blows, I take center with Mason on my left. The play is for him. He needs only one hundred yards to break the state record for rushing and I’m going to make sure that happens tonight. I have to make sure it happens for him. Our first play is a hand-off to him; he breaks the first tackle for a thirty-yard gain. I look at his dad and nod. I called him last night and asked that he help me keep track of Mason and he said he will after he thanked me for making sure his son gets the record. Mason’s my best friend. He deserves it.

  Every play in the first half goes to Mason. We do this over and over until his dad holds up a sign showing 100 and I know. I call a time-out and hand Mason the ball and watch him jog it over to his dad. They hug and the fans go nuts because Mason Powell just set the state’s all-time leading rushing record with nine thousand five hundred and two. I dare anyone to try to break it.

  As the clock ticks down, I stand behind center and look out over the field. I look to my right then left. My teammates all wait for the call. We’ve won this game. The other team can’t catch up. I squat and call out my cadence. When the ball touches my hand I drop back, one step, two step, three and take a knee. The second my knee touches the ground I’m tackled by everyone. I hold the ball to my chest. It’s my prized possession.

  I’m hoisted onto shoulders and paraded around the field. The band is playing so loudly that they drown out the fans. I hold the ball high, pumping my fist into the night air. When I’m let down, I catch a five-foot nine brunette cheerleader in my arms. I drop my helmet, but not this pigskin, as I wrap her tightly in my arms.

  “I’m so proud of you, Liam.”

  I nod because in this moment I am proud even with all my misgivings. Maybe I just need some time away from football to get my head straight. Maybe it was just the pressure of the season that got to me and maybe Auburn isn’t such a bad choice after all.

  “Next stop the NFL, Westbury,” someone says behind me, breaking my moment. The pressure never goes away, does it? It just stops for a brief moment.

  I look at Josie and smile, knowing it’s not legit. If I can’t have a night without pressure about my future at least I can have my girl in my arms.

  Chapter 15

  I wish I could say the past month has been stress free, but the truth of the matter is, it hasn’t. Sterling is on my case every day about school. If it’s not Auburn, it’s another SEC school that’s willing to bend the rules while they discuss business on the golf course. I thought that after winning the state title and Mason getting his record, things would cool down for a bit. But they haven’t. If anything, they’ve gotten worse. The expectations are there, even if people aren’t intending them to be. Just one day, I want to go to school and not be asked where I’m going to play football. If they’re not careful I’m going to tell them nowhere and become a hobo.

  As soon as the day is over, it’s Christmas break and I plan to spend most of it with my girl. My parents left this morning for a cruise, one I conveniently forgot about and acted all distraught about being home by myself for three weeks. Of course, Sterling took those pretend moments to remind me of my looming decision and how wise it would be to have it done by the time he returned. His words went through one ear and out the other while I was counting off how many hours of freedom I’d have.

  This morning, after they left, I played my guitar and I played it loudly. I sang at the top of my lungs because no one was home and no one was going to barge in on me and tell me that I’m wrong for wanting to play. Freedom. That’s what I had this morning and I loved it.

  As soon as the bell rings, I’m up and out the door making my way down the hall. There are parties being planned, get togethers arranged, all places Josie and I will end up, but not tonight. Tonight we’re going to celebrate our own Christmas, in my house. This will be the first time Josie’s been over in years. I’ve kept her away for obvious reasons, but tonight and any night thereafter that she’s allowed to come over while my parents are away, she’ll be with me.

  With her hand in mine we walk to my truck. She doesn’t have a clue about my plans. She just knows that I’m bringing her to my house. I can tell she’s apprehensive, nervous. I don’t blame her. It’s usually how I feel when I’m at home.

  “Are you sure we won’t get into trouble?” She whispers, clearly afraid that someone might hear her. I hate that she feels like this. I just shake my head as I pull her through the garage and into the house. I grab two bottles of water from the refrigerator before taking her by the hand and leading her upstairs to my room.

  “Hold these,” I say, stopping in front of my door. I pull the silk scarf she’s wearing and come up behind her. Her neck is exposed, vulnerable and taking my attention away from the task at hand. I have to touch her, my lips burn when they touch her skin. I’m going to take a risk, live on the edge so when I feel her breathing pause as I tie her scarf over her eyes, I get excited knowing that she’s welcoming my attempts.

  “What are you doing?” she asks, still keeping her voice low.

  “Trust me,” I say against the back of her neck. I hold her hips in my hands, my fingers under her shirt, with her pressed against me. Her body sags against mine, ready for whatever I’m going to do to her. I open my door and guide her into my room. She jumps when my door slams shut. Even though my parents aren’t home, I’m not taking any chances on someone walking in. I plan to have her naked and saying my name over and over again until the sun comes up. That thought alone increases my breathing. I want to take her now, but I have a plan. One that I’ve worked incredibly hard on since I found out the ‘rents were leaving the country.

  I reluctantly leave her standing in the middle of my room and take the bottles of water from her, dropping them to the floor. I pull her forward, she stumbles, but I catch her. I’ll always catch her when she falls.

  “I’ll never let you fall, Jojo.”

  The back of my hand caresses her cheek causing her to blush. I love that her other senses are heightened right now. “I love it when you blush.” I don’t give her time to respond before I put my lips to hers. My plan is going out the window and fast. My tongue begs for hers and when they meet the combustion is almost too much for me to handle. I pull the scarf from her eyes. I need to see her. “Merry Christmas, my girl,” I say as I pick her up and lay her on my bed. Josie reaches for me, but I shake my head.

  I sit back on my knees and look around my room, proud of myself. I motion toward the tree that is twinkling with white lights and color ornaments. “Which do you want to open first?

  “You,” she says, pulling me down on top of her. Her hands fist at my shirt, pulling it over my head. Her nails dig into my back as I grind against her. “I want you all of you, Liam.”

  “You can have me, but I have something for you first.” I pull away reluctantly and eye my girl lying on my bed. It’s a sight to behold that’s for sure and it’s making it hard to concentrate on anything other than the raging hard on in my pants. I kiss her once and fight her attempt to pull me down on top of her. I smile, winking as I move away from her.

  My heart is racing as I reach for my guitar. I chance a look at Josie, who sits up when she sees me sit down with it resting on my leg. She looks at me questioningly with her eyebrow raised. She’s not expecting this. I close my eyes and hope she likes what I’m about to do.

  I strum the strings and let the melody fill the room. I can’t look at her while I’m doing this. Call it stage fright or whatever, but I need to hear the acceptance in her voice and not see her expression.

  I know my voice isn’t that great, it probably sucks and I’m likely tone deaf, but I sing for her and from my heart. I belt out the lyrics I’ve spent months on. They’re meant to tell her how much I love her and what she means to me. But now that she’s in my room, I think they sound like shit and they’re not telling her exactly
how I feel.

  I stop and switch songs to something she’ll know. I’ve learned a few riffs of Never Say Goodbye, but I don’t sing. I can’t. I’ve lost my nerve. I set my guitar down and take a deep breath before looking at her.

  Her blue eyes are staring not at me, but my guitar. Her mouth is slightly open. I rub my hands down the front of my jeans before getting up and putting my guitar away in my closet where my secret should probably stay.

  “Um… Merry Christmas,” I say as I sit on the edge of my bed, close enough to touch her. She looks up at me and smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She doesn’t have to tell me she didn’t like it because I can see it written all over her face.

  “That was for me?”

  I nod and pick at a piece of lint on my comforter.

  “Wow that was… when did you learn to do that?”

  I shrug and clear my tightening throat. I so needed her to accept this… this part of me. “I’ve been teaching myself. I wrote… never mind.”

  Josie laughs lightly. “Sterling must love that.”

  She’s right, I made a mistake. I should’ve told her when I bought the guitar what I was doing. I’ve surprised her and like everything else in my life, she’s worried about what Sterling is going to think.

  “He doesn’t know.”

  “That’s because he’d never approve.” Her hand finds mine and she rubs her thumb across the top of it. “Are you ready for signing day?”

  I nod as I downcast my eyes. I can’t blame her for changing the topic so quickly, it’s all she knows. Sterling has expectations and I’ve shared those with her and we’ve created a path that we can’t deviate from.

  I’m trying not to let my emotions get the best of me, but it’s hard. I needed her to like this, like me, for what I was doing. I swallow hard and bite the inside of cheek to keep everything in check. I reach for one of her presents that are sitting under the tree and hand it to her. “I love you, Jojo,” I say, pressing my lips to her hand.

  “I love you too, Liam.” She takes the present and sets it aside and crawls into my lap. I could hold her like this all night and I know she’d let me, but right now she has other ideas in mind. I want to tell her that sex can’t fix this, but I love her too much.

  Chapter 16

  Things with Josie have never been better. Not that we’ve been fighting, but my Christmas fiasco could’ve caused us a lot of damage. I had reservations about showing her to begin with. I wasn’t ready. If anything I should’ve waited until I could perfect the words I was trying to express to her. I’m not giving up though. If I can only play music to clear my head, so be it.

  Today’s the big day, at least in Sterling’s eyes. I’m nervous and still unsure. I don’t know where I want to go to college. I’ve narrowed it down to five schools, Auburn included, but am no closer to making a decision now than I was last month or even last night. I’m going to ask Josie to come with me though, so my decision needs to be made with her in mind. When we’re away at college everything will be perfect because we’ll be together. My parents won’t be around to bring her down and I’ll have my girl in the stands for each game.

  The camps are all done. No more showcasing my talent for the scouts. They’ve seen me play and the offers are on the table. I just have to pick. I can go with what I consider the safe school. The one that will cater to my every need regardless of what those may be, or I can go with what I want and have to work my ass off to make a name for myself.

  The door to my hotel room swings open, crashing against my wall. I sit up quickly and find Mason standing in my doorway.

  “What’s up?” I ask confused as how he got into my room. While my dad tolerates Mason, he was none too happy when Mason and Mr. Powell made the trip to New York for National Signing Day. According to my father, Mason is beneath me. Being away from my father is probably the only reason I’m looking forward to college.

  “I can’t believe it’s signing day,” he says, shutting my door. He pulls out the desk chair, spins it around and sits down. “We’re going to college in a few months.”

  “I know.” I adjust so I can sit against the wall. “What’s going on, Mase? How’d you get a key to my room?” I ask, needing to know why he’s here. When I look back on my childhood I’ll never be able to say I had fabulous parties at my house or that Spiderman birthday cake that I wanted when I was ten. My parents didn’t get it. Not like Mason’s. Not like Josie’s who let me sneak into her room at night because they know what kind of asshole Sterling is and they know how non-existent Bianca is. So to have Mason in my room, on signing day, only means one thing. He has a good offer.

  “Have you decided?” he asks, avoiding my question about the room key.

  I shake my head slowly. “That’s what I’ve been trying to do all morning.”

  Mason leans back and rests against the particleboard desk. “So you know I have a lot of DII offers, but last week the University of Texas made an offer and I think I’m going to take it.”

  “Yeah?” I answer, happy for him. “That’s good, man. They have a solid program.” I know this because I took a tour there and watched a team practice. They’re up and coming and going to be a contender for the national title soon. They’ve been talking to me for a year and I have them shortlisted, but haven’t paid much attention to them.

  “How come you’re just telling me this now?” I’m curious as to why he didn’t say something last week. We’re supposed to be best friends.

  He shrugs. “I don’t know. It seems like nothing compares to what you have sitting in front of you.”

  “That’s bullshit, Mason. You worked hard. You deserve this. Are you signing today?”

  He nods. “I’m nervous though,” he admits which causes me to sit up a bit straighter.

  I nod. “Me too.” I pick at the hem on my jeans before looking at him. “Do you ever want to quit and do something different?” Because I do, every day, but I don’t tell him that.

  “Nah. I don’t see the NFL in my future like you do, but I want to coach and give back to the community. I want to do my four years, get an education and come back here and marry Katelyn.”

  “Yeah that sounds good.”

  “Why? Do you think about quitting?” he asks.

  Out of habit I look at the bottom of the door for the tell-tale sign of someone standing there. When I don’t see anyone I look back at Mason and nod. “All the time, man. I don’t love the game like I used to. The pressure has been too much and I feel like I’m a bomb about to detonate. I hate all this school bullshit. In two hours I have to decide what school I want to play for and if I don’t pick Auburn, Sterling is going to freak out.”

  “So just pick Auburn.”

  I roll my eyes. He makes it sound so simple when it’s not. “I don’t know.”

  “Dude, you have it so easy. You have all these colleges coming after you. I would’ve given my left nut to be in your position. Stop bitching. Pick a school and say ‘fuck you, dad’. Hell, come with me that will really piss him off.”

  He’s right. If I was to pick a school that isn’t in Sterling’s top five, he’d be livid. Doing so means he could cut off my trust fund and even though my schooling will be paid, for I could use that money for Josie.

  But Mason’s wrong. I don’t have it easy. He doesn’t remember how much he depended on me to make sure he broke the rushing record this year. He didn’t have a team to lead. He didn’t have multiple players waiting and hoping that my actions each game night didn’t screw up their chances at playing college ball someplace. He doesn’t have the parents I do and the expectations. Even the college coaches add pressure.

  “I should probably go before your old man gets back. See ya down there.” Mason leaves without me even acknowledging him. He doesn’t know that his little chat, while I’m sure it helped him, did nothing for me. I just want someone to sit down with me and go over the pros and cons of each school. My father will only discuss Auburn and isn’t helping me make an informe
d decision.

  I’m probably the only quarterback signing today that doesn’t have a clue about which school they’re picking. I’ve made no verbal commitments to any of the schools and right now I don’t even want to put my name down on the dotted line.

  I want to run.

  The lights are bright and blinding as I take a seat next to another top recruit. There are ten of us sitting at table, five on each side and we’re separated by a podium. We’re the top recruits of our senior class and we’re all about to make some team very happy and others very upset. But those teams will move on and hope their next pick will come forward and say they’ll play for them.

  The Master of Ceremonies is full of joy and overly enthusiastic. This is like the pre-NFL draft, only we’re not about to make millions of dollars. At least we won’t, but the schools will definitely benefit financially from us.

  Cameras start clicking and it’s then that I realize someone has chosen a school. I give the obligatory clap and wait for my name to be called. My dad is sitting in the crowd with his blue and orange colors on, waiting for me to make his right decision.

  “Liam Westbury,” the commentator says my name. I stand and listen to him rattle off my stats earning some heaving clapping from the galley. Someone whistles and I smile knowing it’s Mason.

  “Mr. Westbury, please tell us where we’ll be watching you play in the fall?”

  I look out my dad who nods. It’s now or never, and in the next few seconds, I’ll be making a decision that will either make or break me. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and imagine my girl out there waiting for me to tell her where we’re going.

  “This fall I’ll be playing along the side of my running back, Mason Powell, at the University of Texas. Hook ‘em horns,” I shout out to the crowd. I don’t know what came over me, but I feel good about my decision. Playing next to Mason for an additional four years is worth it. We can bring the girls to Texas with us, rent a place off campus and just live our lives.