by K E Osborn
He hurt me.
He nearly killed me.
I was so broken.
When he didn’t call something in me died, and if that is how he’s feeling right now then I have no choice. I have to try to fight for both of us. Because if he dies, then I may as well be dead too.
“When do we leave?”
I pack my bag quicker than I’ve ever packed it before, I virtually throw whatever I can find into my luggage. Joseph helps me as Anna and Johnny arrange the fights.
“Lia, I’m so proud of you, but trust me, this is going to be hard. Fighting for yourself is hard enough, but fighting for the both of you, well I just hope you’re strong enough, princess,” Joseph says walking into the en-suite to pack my toiletries. I put my antidepressants into my handbag. I think I’m going to need them. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, whether seeing me is really what he wants, but I can’t let him continue down this path of destruction.
Joseph walks back out and packs my toiletries into my luggage as I place my trusty pink and white pyjamas in and then do up the suitcase. I look at Joseph and even though neither of us says anything a moment passes between us, he knows I have to do this and I know that he’s concerned for me. But he picks up my luggage and takes my hand walking me downstairs to a waiting Johnny and Anna.
“The taxi’s here,” Anna calls out as we make our way to the bottom of the stairs.
Danny walks in and looks at me with my luggage and then at Johnny and Anna.
“Um, what’s going on here, then?” he asks coming over and pecking Joseph on the cheek.
“Lia is going to get her man back,” Joseph replies.
Danny throws his hands up in the air and exhales loudly with a smile. “Well, thank God for that, it’s about frickin’ time,” he says taking me in his arms. Anna and Johnny chuckle as Danny manhandles me in a tight bear hug that squeezes my insides.
“Ah, Danny, I love you and all, but I need my lungs,” I say breathlessly.
He lets me go and holds me at arm’s length. “I’m proud of you, Lia. I’ve only known you for a short time, but I’ve never seen anyone so miserable without their other half. You obviously belong with Colt, so go get him and when you make up over and over again, take pictures,” he says with a smirk.
“Danny,” Joseph exclaims while we all laugh.
“What? It’s Colter freakin’ Slade, and Lia’s hot. Imagine the steamy make up sex they’ll have, we totally need pics!”
“You need a cold shower,” Anna says with a laugh.
The taxi honks its horn grabbing our attention. I turn to Joseph and he looks at me lovingly.
“You can do this, and remember if you need me, just call. I love you, Lia,” he says and then pulls me in for a hug. “Now go get on that jet and fix this mess.”
I smile up at him as he lets me go. “Thank you... both of you, for putting up with me. I can never tell you how much you both mean to me,” I say to Joseph and Danny wiping a tear from my cheek. They both nod and look toward the front door. Suddenly I’m beyond nervous. Not only am I about to get on a jet to help my drugged up ex-boyfriend, but I’m about to leave the condo which I haven’t left in two months. I haven’t stepped a foot into the outside world for as long as I can remember, and that thought alone scares the absolute crap out of me. I swallow hard as Anna and Johnny walk toward the door with Joseph, Danny and I following closely behind. The taxi honks again.
Impatient dick!
Anna and Johnny walk out of the condo and I stop in the doorway as fear engulfs me. My heart races and I start to shut down.
“Just think in a couple of hours you’ll see Colt. Isn’t that worth walking out of this door for?” Joseph whispers in my ear, and it’s all the encouragement I need. I inhale and take my first step out into the land of the living again. I close my eyes as I turn my face toward the sun and soak up the rays I haven’t felt for two months, and it’s heaven on my skin. I can almost feel the Vitamin D soaking in. The taxi honks again scaring the shit out of me and bringing me back to reality. I open my eyes and see everyone looking and smiling. I return the smile and walk out of the condo and toward the waiting taxi. I’m nervous as hell. I don’t know if it’s flying or from the thought of seeing Colt, or a mixture of both, but my stomach’s in knots and my heart’s in my throat. I say my final goodbyes to the boys and before I know it, we’re at Heathrow Airport. Somehow Johnny managed to obtain the band’s jet to pick us up which settles my nerves slightly. We board the jet and Anna and I go to my usual spot down the back. Johnny goes into the office to make some calls. Tamara greets me with a warm smile and hands me my pill and a bottle of water. I think I love her a little bit right now.
I’m jolted awake by the feeling of the jet touching down. Even though I slept the whole way here it’s like Tamara’s pill has suddenly evaporated from my system, because those nerves are back with a vengeance.
“You ready?” Anna asks taking my hand in hers while the unfasten seatbelt sign flashes.
“No,” I say, honestly.
She undoes her belt and stands holding out her hand for me to take. I exhale and unbuckle my belt and place my hand in hers, she pulls me from the seat and keeps hold of my hand.
“Don’t worry, Johnny and I will be with you every step of the way,” she says with a smile. “Thanks again for coming, it means so much to all of us.”
I smile and nod because my fear has me paralyzed and I can’t actually speak. She exhales and starts to walk me to the exit.
We’re in the Hummer and driving through the streets of Zurich toward the Hyatt. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so physically ill in my life. The thought of seeing Colt again after so long, and imagining how he might look and act now that he’s continually high is scaring the hell out of me. Anna must sense my fear as she holds on to my hand the entire ride to the hotel. The car’s silent as I guess we’re all reflecting on how this could go.
What if he’s happy snorting himself into oblivion?
What if he doesn’t want me back in his life? What if he won’t change and get the help he obviously needs? I don’t know what I’ll do if I’ve come all this way and he rejects me.
I’m lost in my thoughts and I don’t even notice that we’ve pulled up until the car door opens and the driver is standing there looking at me with a blank stare.
“Lia?” Anna says, bring me back to the here and now. I slide across and get out of the car. I stand looking up at the Hyatt and a huge sinking feeling drops in my stomach. I’m so close to Colt right now and I’m so scared and excited at the same time. Anna takes my hand again and we walk slowly toward the entrance. My heart’s racing and I know my hand is sweating in Anna’s, but she doesn’t say anything. We walk into the main foyer and Johnny moves across to the reception desk and collects a key card so we can get into the penthouse suite. He also requests a key card for the suite next door. Colt has booked the suite and hopefully if things go right we’ll be in there talking to each other trying to sort things out.
Johnny walks over and simply nods. “You ready?”
I inhale sharply and nod as I bite my bottom lip. He turns and starts to walk toward the elevators and Anna and I follow closely behind. The concierge also follows us with our trolley of luggage. We make our way up, and every floor higher we ascend the more and more the bile rises in my throat. I’m physically shaking and Anna wraps her arm around my shoulders pulling me to her for comfort. I’m all over the place. I honestly feel like crying, but I try to keep myself together. The elevator stops and the doors open. The concierge exits first with our luggage and he walks down the hall to the suite next to the penthouse. I gulp as we step out and make our way down to the door. Johnny swipes my key card and the door opens. I feel the blood drain from my face as I have no idea if Colt’s inside.
“Don’t worry, Lia. He’s in the penthouse suite, you can get sorted in here and then when you’re ready we can go next door,” Johnny says, while he walks into the suite. I breathe an inst
ant sigh of relief and follow Johnny and the concierge into the room. The room is a pigsty. There are empty bottles of Jack all over the floor, the bed’s a mess and there’s little empty packets scattered on the bedside table. I shake my head while the concierge unloads my luggage onto the floor. I knew it was bad, but I didn’t realise that he was incapable of cleaning his own room.
“Would you like me to send someone up from housekeeping?” the concierge asks while he looks over the room. All I can do is nod because I’m speechless. He smiles and walks out with the trolley holding Anna and Johnny’s luggage.
“Is this just from last night?” I whisper quietly and Johnny nods his head. I slump down onto the bed and rest my head in my hands. Anna sits on the bed next to me and wraps her arm around me.
“You see why we had to come and get you. This mess is just from one night, and some nights it’s worse than this. Lia he needs you desperately,” she says as I swallow a lump in my throat. He needs help and if I’m the reason that he’s acting this way, then I’m the one who needs to fix it.
“Lia, do you want me to get him and bring him in here so you can talk privately?” Johnny asks. I instantly start to panic.
“No, I don’t think I can do this on my own. I’ll come to the penthouse suite with you guys if that’s okay?”
“Whatever you want to do is fine by us, and we’ll be here no matter what.”
Anna stands from the bed. “Just let us know when you’re ready and we’ll be here to help you.” I instantly want to run and hide under the bed and pretend it’ll all go away. But I decide that this is probably best handled like a band aid, you just have to rip it off fast and get it over and done with.
I stand from the bed and straighten my clothes. “Okay let’s do this.”
Anna and Johnny both smile and we walk out the door and then to the door of the penthouse suite. My breathing’s rapid and shallow as I reach the door. I stop and stare at it for what seems like an eternity until Johnny touches my shoulder bringing me back to the here and now.
“You can do this, Lia. I believe in you,” he says and swipes the key card. The door opens and I instantly feel sick. I want to vomit. There are people asleep everywhere and bottles, cigarettes and empty bags scattered all over the floor. I shake my head as we walk in and step over the comatose bodies. Johnny gestures with his head into a room. I’m scared at what I might see, and I wouldn’t call myself religious in any way, but right now I’m praying that Jessi is not in there with him. I hold my breath as the door slowly creeps open, and when I spot him my bottom lip trembles. He’s lying on his stomach spread across the bed in only his jeans and one sock. It’s like I’ve been smacked in the chest with a sledgehammer and I stumble on the spot. He’s holding an empty bottle of Jack tight to his chest and I can see a spread of white powder residue on the bedside table. I shake my head as I look at the man I love. From what I can see in front of me he’s lost weight. His ribs are slightly showing and his cheeks look sunken in. A hand touches my back and Anna smiles trying to reassure me. It doesn’t work as a tear rolls down my cheek.
“Do you want us to go?” Johnny whispers and I widen my eyes and shake my head adamantly. He nods and looks over at his best friend who’s wasting away. I swallow hard and move over to the bed and sit down next to him. I’m scared to touch him, but I hesitantly move my hand toward his head and slowly run my fingers through his hair, and with this small gesture I fall in love with him all over again. I lay down on the bed on my side facing him and he stirs slightly. I still, and he rubs his nose. His face twitches, but he doesn’t open his eyes. I swallow and move my hand up to caress his face, which has a full beard. My breathing slows as I take him in. He’s nothing like the man I left. He’s definitely not the Colt I know, and that hurts me more than when he didn’t call. It’s like all his spark and energy has vaporised.
I lean my forehead against his and I can smell the alcohol on his breath, but I don’t care. I’m taking him in. He sniffs and his arm around the Jack bottle moves and wraps around my waist pulling me to him. I still and wait for him to open his eyes, but he nuzzles into me instead. My breathing has quickened again and my heart rate is through the roof. I don’t know if I should say something or just let him wake on his own. I’m so out of my depth, I’ve no idea what I’m supposed to be doing, all I know is that the touch of his arm around my waist is sending a shiver down my spine and I like it. The familiar surge I feel when he touches me is there and making itself known. I swallow as I stare at his pale, gaunt face and even though he looks terrible, he still looks beautiful to me. He sniffs again and moves his hand from my waist to rub his nose. I bite my bottom lip waiting for him to open his eyes, but he doesn’t. A pang of disappointment runs through me.
“Colt, wake up,” Anna says loudly. I look at Colt and wait for him to open his eyes, but he sniffs again and nuzzles back into me.
“No, Anna. I can smell her. She’s here and if I wake up she’ll be gone again, and I just can’t take it,” he says. His voice makes me tingle all over.
“Colt you’re not dreaming, Lia is here. Open your eyes, she’s right next to you,” Anna replies as I reach my hand out to touch his face again. He leans into my hand and inhales sharply.
“No, go away, Anna. I can feel her. I can smell her. She’s right here with me and I’m never letting her go,” he says pulling me to him. I can’t hold back the tears that fall, and he still hasn’t opened his eyes.
“Colt I’m right here,” I whisper softly.
His eyes shoot open wide.
He looks right at me and his chest starts to heave. His hands are all over me.
“Anna... Anna... I can feel her. What the hell?” He sits up on the bed and I sit up as well. He’s looking at me, but he looks like he’s scared. I furrow my brow.
What’s wrong with him?
“Colt, she’s really here,” Anna says.
“No, she can’t be. She left me... she left me, Anna. She’s not real. She can’t be. Anna, what’s happening to me?” he mumbles quickly and as he is rambling he backs away from me to the other side of the bed. My bottom lip quivers. My heart feels like it’s being ripped from my chest. I shake my head and reach out for him, but he backs further away.
“Anna, I can see her. I’m going crazy. I must be going crazy. I’ve never seen her before, not with my eyes open. Anna help me. Make it stop. Make her go away. I can’t stand it,” he rambles backing up so much that he falls off the side of the bed and then scurries back against the wall. Tears rush down his face as he claws at his eyes. My hand shoots to my mouth in shock as Johnny rushes to him and holds his hands stopping him from clawing his eyes out.
“Colt! Stop! You’re not going crazy. Lia’s really here. It’s her. She’s here to help you,” Johnny talks calmly, but Colt still has that terrified, wide-eyed look.
“It’s a lie. Don’t lie to me, Johnny. She’s not here. She’s never here. She’s not here. She’s not here. I’m going crazy. Kill me Johnny, just kill me, I can’t stand it.” Colt struggles on the floor against Johnny. Anna walks over and slaps Colt hard across the face. He stops struggling and rests his head against the wall with his eyes firmly shut.
“I can still smell her,” he yells while he bangs his head against the wall. I’ve never seen someone as distraught as he is now. He thinks he’s imagining me and he thinks he’s going crazy and I’ve done that to him. I start to sob as I sit on the bed and stare at him while he falls apart on the floor. Johnny wraps his arm around Colt and he leans into Johnny’s chest and cries.
“Stop it! Fuck off, just fuck off, Lia. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. Johnny make her go away,” Colt continues to speak through sobs.
He doesn’t want me.
I feel dizzy.
My head is spinning.
I have no idea what I’m even doing here.
I get up from the bed and stumble into the wall. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I can’t think. All I can see is the ima
ge of Colt telling me to fuck off. Anna rests her hand on my shoulders to steady me and I look up at her through tear soaked eyelashes.
“He doesn’t want me, Anna,” I stutter through tears.
Colt suddenly stands and looks at me, his eyes are red but his body is pure white and he looks at me in a way he never has before and I have no idea what it means.
“I want you, Lia,” he says and then rushes toward me taking me in his arms and flinging me to the bed. His hands grab my wrists and he holds them above my head as I look into his eyes.
“I can feel you. I need to feel you,” he says, while Johnny and Anna stand back.
“Colt, I’m here. I’m right here.”
His eyes are slits and his nostrils are flaring. “No, you’re not. You’re a figment of my imagination and you’re hurting me, so I’m going to hurt you,” he says holding onto my wrists so tightly it’s painful.
“Colt you’re hurting me,” I say as tears start to fall down the sides of my face as I look into the eyes of a madman.
“That’s the idea,” he says, glaring at me with his face scrunched up in anger. I close my eyes. The Colt I love is nowhere to be seen, and this Colt... well... I want nothing to do with him. Suddenly he’s pulled from me, but his hands don’t let go of my wrists and I yelp as I’m dragged up with him.
“Colt let her go... now,” Johnny yells as he tries to pull Colt’s hands away from my wrists. I struggle to help Johnny free Colt’s hands while he stares at me baring his teeth.
“Colt, it’s me, Lia. I’m here with you, please stop, you’re hurting me,” I beg.