by Valerie Parv
He still made time to spend with Trudy and Lisa, she noticed with a pang. Every night before they went to sleep he came into their room and read to them, or talked about their activities, giving no sign of the enormous pressure he was under.
At those times Terise made a point of having something else to do. These days she was too crushingly aware of her own feelings, like a siren song, tugging at her whenever he was around. He had said no more about finding a replacement for her, but she was sure he had the task in hand with his customary efficiency. He was so cold and distant towards her that she couldn’t believe he wanted her around more than absolutely necessary.
She was surprised to be stopped by him as he emerged from the children’s room one evening. The touch of his hand on her arm was so unexpected that she jerked away instinctively, her wounded look going to his face before she could stop herself.
He made a small sound of disgust. ‘Must you react as if I was going to hurt you?’
How could he hurt her more than he already had? she thought bleakly. Her reaction had been a reflection of that inner hurt—one he didn’t even know he had inflicted. Would never know if she could avoid it. ‘You startled me,’ she said.
His look was vexed. ‘A jump, a cry—that’s being startled. God, Tense, you don’t have to be afraid of me, no matter what’s been drummed into your head.’
It was easy to tell the truth. ‘I’m not afraid of you.’
‘Thank goodness for small mercies,’ he said on an exasperated sigh. ‘Do you think we can talk, or would you rather I rounded up Maggie to ride shotgun?’
‘We can talk, if it’s what you want.’ He probably wanted to discuss her replacement. In spite of herself she felt a tight fist of pain clench around her heart. She had to leave. There was simply no choice any more. But it would be the hardest thing she had ever done.
She turned towards his study, but he indicated the living-room. ‘You’ll feel more comfortable in there, I expect.’
He didn’t know it, but she could never feel comfortable around him again. Even the spacious living-room felt confining, and her breathing constricted as he sat down opposite the armchair she chose for herself. ‘I suppose it’s about my replacement,’ she began.
He looked blank, then his face tightened with disapproval. ‘I haven’t had time to do anything about that yet, so you’ll have to endure another week here—at least until the host city is announced. I assume I can rely on you not to walk out before then?’
His lack of confidence made her wince. She looked down at the fingers twisting together in her lap. ‘I’ve said I’ll stay for now, and I will. You know I would never let Trudy and Lisa down.’
A deep V of annoyance etched his brow. ‘Naturally you’d be concerned about the children. Your priorities are well known to me by now.’
They weren’t, but she wasn’t about to enlighten him. ‘You wanted to discuss something with me?’ she prompted. She wished he would get this over with. Being in the same room as him, her entire body aching with the need to be held by him, to feel his lips on hers, was almost more than she could bear.
The thought was sobering. If she found it this hard to endure when they were in the same room, how was she to survive a complete break? The thought brought a sob welling up from deep in her lungs, but she closed her mouth on the sound.
‘The competing cities are to give final presentations to the trade assembly delegates in Canberra next week,’ he went on, and she thanked her stars that he evidently hadn’t noticed her near-breakdown. ‘I’m flying down to present Sydney’s final bid, then I’ll stay until the announcement is made. There will be a lot of last-minute lobbying of the delegates, and we can’t afford to let up until the decision is made.’
‘It sounds exhausting,’ she commented. She wished there was some way she could lighten his load, and realised that there was. ‘If you’re worried about the children, there’s no need. I’ll make sure they’re well looked after.’
His grateful look almost broke her. ‘I’ve explained to them that I have to go away. It isn’t the first time, but it’s the first since their mother...’ He glanced away. ‘They tell me they’re big girls now, so I don’t have to worry.’
In spite of her inner turmoil, Terise was forced to smile. ‘I’ll bet it was Lisa who said that.’
‘Of course. The little mother. I’ve promised to telephone them every day, and they’re excited about seeing me on television—since the bids will be televised around the world.’
‘And I’ll keep them so busy they won’t have time to worry until you get back,’ she assured him emphatically.
‘I considered taking them with me, but it’s not a good environment for children. Too much pressure and excitement.’
She nodded agreement, although she couldn’t help wondering about his reasons for going alone. According to Maggie he was flying to Canberra with Cecily Elbrun. Terise had pretended uninterest, but her insides had clenched in protest. She told herself that she shouldn’t have been surprised. He and Cecily were well matched, and she knew that he’d seen a lot of the Frenchwoman since they’d returned from Bowral.
With difficulty she kept her expression sanguine. ‘They’re better off in their own environment. They’ll be at school a lot of the day, so you shouldn’t worry too much.’
His smile deepened the shadows ringing his eyes. He was bone-weary, she saw with a shock. She had never seen anyone work so ferociously hard before. If Sydney didn’t win the right to stage the world trade assembly, it wouldn’t be from lack of commitment on Ryan’s part.
They would win it, she thought fiercely, unwilling to entertain any other possibility. She wanted it for him, she acknowledged. If she couldn’t have him for herself, she wanted to know that he was happy at least. The thought that it might be with Cecily Elbrun almost choked her, but she made herself face it. Hiding her head in the sand wouldn’t change reality.
It hit her a moment later. This was real love, when the happiness of the beloved meant more than your own happiness. Giving—that was the secret. Giving with no thought of a return.
Unconditional love.
If only it wasn’t so hard.
‘And what about you?’ he startled her by asking.
She made her tone light. ‘What about me?’
‘Have you thought what you’ll do next?’
Die, came the immediate thought, but she rejected it as melodramatic. Nobody died of unrequited love. Suffered because of it, maybe—she knew that firsthand. ‘I’ll manage,’ she said aloud, refusing to accept any other alternative. After all, what choice did she have?
His look hardened abruptly and his eyes became hooded. ‘I dare say you will.’ He stood up and stretched, bidding her a taut goodnight.
Next morning she walked into the living-room to find Cecily Elbrun already there. Dressed for travelling in a stylish silver-grey suit over a softly draping white silk blouse, she was leafing through the Financial Review. ‘How is your ankle now?’ she asked.
‘Completely recovered, thank you.’ Terise noted the Louis Vuitton luggage at Cecily’s feet, and tried not to picture her and Ryan travelling together. ‘I’m sorry my accident spoiled your visit to Bowral,’ she went on. The apology had been on her mind ever since.
Cecily put her newspaper aside. ‘I could hardly hold an accident against you. Ryan obviously had his hands full, so I took off. No harm done.’ She smiled disarmingly and leaned forward. ‘I understand you’re leaving soon. Family reasons, according to Ryan.’
It was a tactful way of putting it. Terise nodded. ‘I’ll be going as soon as Mr Westmore arranges a replacement.’
A cool little smile greeted this statement. ‘Ah, but a replacement may not be necessary.’
Terise looked blank. ‘Why not?’
Cecily’s Gallic shrug was accompanied by another smile. ‘If Ryan is to—say—marry again, he won’t need a nanny, will he?’
Misery descended over Terise like a cloak. Was Cecily tellin
g her that she and Ryan were planning to marry? It wasn’t unexpected, but she was surprised at how much the prospect hurt. She should offer Cecily her best wishes, but she balked at making the marriage seem more real than it did already. Now who was putting her head in the sand? She managed a wan smile. ‘I hope everything goes well in Canberra.’
‘It will.’ Cecily was coolly confident. ‘Ryan knows what he’s doing.’
Terise allowed herself the luxury of nodding. ‘All our prayers will be with him,’ she said. In her case, he was taking much more: her heart, her dreams, her love, although he didn’t know it.
The silence thickened between them until it was broken by Ryan’s arrival. He carried a Gucci carryon bag and a bulging leather briefcase. His notes for the presentation, Terise assumed, knowing that they wouldn’t leave his sight until the job was done.
A thrill of pride to which she had not the slightest right rippled through her. He was dressed like any other businessman, in a superbly tailored dark suit which skimmed his athletic body, emphasising wide shoulders, trim hips and powerful legs. But there the similarities ended.
He would stand out in any crowd, she thought. Apart from an undeniable virility, he possessed that air of command, of leashed power, which was an aphrodisiac in itself.
Her hungry gaze lifted to his mouth, which was set in a taut line of determination. Small lines radiated around his mouth and eyes, testimony to the long hours he’d been putting in lately. But his eyes were bright with purpose, their intensity riveting as they came to rest on her.
Lord, how she loved him. The thought made her sway, dizzy with longings that she could not, would not name. No matter how foolish it was to feel this way, she knew that it would be a long time, possibly even a lifetime, before anything changed.
Her heart picked up speed as he moved closer. For an insane moment she fantasised that he would take her in his arms, his mouth telegraphing a farewell which would take her breath away. But all he said was, ‘Can I leave everything to you now, Terise?’
Somehow she made herself answer. ‘Yes. The children will be fine.’
‘Good. I’ll call every day.’ He turned to Cecily. ‘Ready, Madam Delegate?’
‘Any time you are.’
‘Then let’s do it.’
The sound of their shared laughter stayed with Terise long after the door had closed behind them.
Ryan kept his promise to telephone every day, although it wasn’t always at the same time, depending on his hectic schedule. But they always knew where he was and what he was doing, because the assembly’s deliberations were televised for the news each evening. The twins could hardly contain their excitement at seeing their father on television, but for Terise every interview was slow torture.
She would have talked herself out of watching the actual announcement if Maggie and Marcus hadn’t decided to watch it with her. It was late, and the twins were already in bed by the time they settled down by the television set.
The camera was tracking new arrivals up a red carpet leading to the banquet-room. A tight knot of pain squeezed Terise’s heart when she saw Ryan arrive with Cecily on his arm.
‘Don’t they look glamorous?’ Maggie said excitedly.
A journalist thrust a microphone in front of Ryan and Cecily. ‘I hear there could be another announcement made tonight—a wedding announcement. Would you care to comment?’
Terise’s heart skipped a beat as Ryan shook his head. ‘Only one announcement concerns us tonight—the host city for the next world trade assembly.’
Terise felt her knees buckle and stumbled to a chair, her vision blurring. Hunching her knees up under her chin, she tried to listen to the announcer, but all she kept hearing was ‘a wedding announcement... a wedding announcement’. Ryan and Cecily? It had to be. The only reason Ryan didn’t want it announced immediately was to avoid overshadowing the news of the bid.
She didn’t care, she tried to tell herself. Ryan was nothing to her—an accident of chemistry, no more. He and Cecily were well matched. So why did she feel as if her world had spun to an end?
Her throat aching, she started to leave the room, but Maggie caught her arm. ‘You can’t go now; they’re about to make the announcement.’
The only one which meant anything to her had already been made, but she sat down with robotlike obedience. Despite the pain clenching her heart, she couldn’t wish anything for Ryan but a successful outcome.
She held her breath as the president of the world trade council got to his feet and read from a prepared speech in heavily accented tones. His words—some kind of testimony to the bidding cities—were a blur of sound to Terise. She was so caught up in her own misery that she almost missed his final words. ‘The next world trade assembly will convene in Sydney, Australia.’
Then Maggie and Marcus caught her up in a mad embrace. Maggie dabbed her eyes. ‘I knew he’d do it, God bless him.’
Terise’s own cheeks were wet as she accepted a glass of champagne from Marcus. ‘Here’s to Ryan and his team.’
She tried to shut her eyes to the sight of Cecily flinging herself into Ryan’s arms—a sight which the cameras replayed over and over during the next few minutes. It was a sight she might as well get used to, she supposed, knowing in her heart that she never would.
Marcus and Maggie had retired to their own quarters and Terise was clearing away the signs of celebration when the telephone rang, sounding loud in the night stillness. She picked it up, going cold all over when she heard Ryan’s voice. ‘We saw the announcement on television. Congratulations,’ she said in a choked voice.
He sounded infinitely weary. ‘We did it on one vote—can you believe it?’
Cecily’s vote, she assumed. It was the least the woman could have done for the man she was to marry. ‘Congratulations on both counts,’ she said, in a voice which shook so hard that it was a wonder she made sense. ‘For the successful bid and the announcement about Cecily.’ There, she’d managed it without disgracing herself. Luckily he couldn’t see the tears coursing silently down her cheeks.
‘How did you hear about that?’ He sounded wary. ‘It wasn’t supposed to get out until after the banquet. I’m due there as soon as I get past the media gauntlet waiting for me.’
‘Enjoy yourself,’ she said mechanically, torn between wanting to keep him on the phone and needing him to hang up before she broke down completely.
He laughed. ‘I’ll be lucky if I can stay awake. Tell the kids I’m flying home tomorrow afternoon, after I see the Prime Minister. Damn, it will be good to get home.’
But not to her, she thought, breaking her own vow to be strong. ‘I’ll tell the children. They’ll be thrilled.’
‘And you? Are you thrilled, Terise?’
For him, yes. For herself, she was heartsick. It was only a matter of time before his engagement to Cecily became public knowledge—possibly even tonight. Then this part of her life would be over. The best part, she couldn’t help thinking.
‘I’m very happy for you,’ she managed, although she had never felt so desperately unhappy.
For the first time since her teens, she cried herself to sleep that night.
By the next afternoon she had recovered her composure sufficiently to greet him almost normally when he walked in from his flight. The sight of his bone-weary expression was almost her undoing. She had never seen him look so drained. ‘Can I get you a drink?’ she asked.
He brightened, but she could see that it took an effort. ‘It’s tempting, but it would probably finish me off. Being back and having you waiting is tonic enough for now.’
Her heart turned over. Meaningless platitudes, she told herself. Don’t read anything into it. ‘Did Cecily fly back with you?’ she forced herself to ask.
He shook his head. ‘She’s heading for Germany with the president of the assembly, and won’t be back for two months.’
Was this the reason for his drained look? ‘Why don’t you have a bath and a rest while I pick up Trudy and
Lisa?’ she suggested with brisk professionalism.
‘I haven’t put my car away yet. I’ll drive you to the school.’
The prospect of his company made her short of breath. ‘There’s no need, when you’re obviously all-in.’
He frowned. ‘Distasteful as you apparently find my company, you’ll have to grin and bear it, because I want to see my children. Just give me a minute to change.’
He disappeared into the bedroom, emerging a short time later in a teal polo shirt and jeans. He had shed some of his weariness with his business attire, but made no protest when she offered to drive.
When they stopped at the traffic lights she glanced at him. His head was tipped back and his eyes were closed. She studied his profile greedily, an ache starting up inside her. She fought it down. She wasn’t about to take advantage either of his exhaustion or of Cecily’s absence to take what didn’t belong to her.
When did you get to be such a saint? she asked her reflection in the driving-mirror.
Not a saint, a realist, she told the reflection. She could never be satisfied with the crumbs of a relationship with him. It was all or nothing, and since she couldn’t have it all...
‘We’re here,’ she told Ryan gently as she pulled up outside the school.
Trudy and Lisa were nowhere in sight. Their teacher looked surprised to see them. ‘Their grandmother collected them on your instruction,’ she said. ‘They left ages ago.’
Ryan looked as if he would explode. ‘Their what?’
Terise clutched his arm, feeling faint. ‘Oh, Elaine, how could you?’
He shook off her arm, spinning her to face him. ‘Do you know something about this?’
Tension coiled through her as she felt the colour leave her face. She nodded, and managed to explain about Elaine wanting to see the children.
He gave her a slight shake. ‘How did she know where to find them? She’s had no contact with me.’
‘It’s my fault,’ she confessed. ‘Elaine was the friend I saw at the Menzies. She wanted to know everything about the children.’