by J. L. Fynn
Maggie wrapped her arms around my head. Her breathing was ragged, and I could hear her heart racing in her chest. “I love you, Tommy,” she whispered. “I’ll love you until there are no stars left to burn in the night sky.” She ran her fingers through my hair and down the back of my neck. “And if you ever loved me at all, you’ll go now and never come back.”
She pressed her palm to my collarbone and stroked my throat with her thumb.
“I’ll go,” I said, my heart shattering into a million pieces at the idea of never feeling her touch again.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
“I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT he looked most like you when he’s sleeping.” Maggie stood in the doorway, backlit by the fingers of light that stretched down the hall from the living room. I knew I needed to go, but I had to say one last goodbye to my son.
I looked down at Jimmy. He was sprawled diagonally across the bed with his hands balled into fists by his ears. “Is it the slack jaw or the snoring that reminds you of me?” I smiled.
“It’s that little wrinkle he gets in his forehead. Like he can’t quite stop worrying, even when he’s fast asleep.”
“You’ll have to do it alone, Maggie.” I hadn’t looked at her since I realized she was standing in the doorway, and I still couldn’t bring myself to tear my eyes away from the sleeping little boy. My little boy, who would never know who he really belonged to. “You’re going to be on your own with two kids.”
Maggie laughed softly. “No one is ever on their own in this place,” she said. “Tis both a blessing and a curse, really, but in this case it may work out for the best. John will be around to help, and Pop too, as long as he’s with us.”
“I’ll send you money,” I said, although it made me feel sick to say it. As if the promise of money could make up for the fact that I wouldn’t be here to see him grow up. To help him grow into a man.
“Tommy.” Maggie’s tone told me she found the idea distasteful too.
“Look,” I said. “I have to do something.” I finally turned to look at her. “You have to let me do something.”
It was hard to see her expression in the dim light, but I didn’t miss the sigh, or the downward tilt of her head. “You can send it. I’ll save it for him.”
I leaned over my son and kissed his forehead. “I love you, Jimmy Boy. I’m so sorry you’ll never know that.”
“He’ll know,” Maggie said. “I promise he’ll know how much his da loved him, and how badly he wanted to be here for him.”
I smoothed his rusty hair off his forehead and stood slowly, careful not to jostle the bed too much. I joined Maggie in the doorway, and we both stood there for moment before she reached for the door to pull it closed.
“You should go,” she said. “You’ve wasted too much time already.”
I drew her into my arms and held her tight against me. “No time spent with you is a waste. The only waste is all the time I’ll be away from you.”
She let me hold her for a second, then pushed her hands into my chest to free herself. She took my hand. “As long as you’re safe, it won’t be wasted,” she said.
I followed her down the hall, away from Jimmy’s room. The closer we got to the front door, the harder I had to work to make my feet keep moving. “I don’t want to leave you. Either of you. I can’t go on without you.”
“I know it feels that way. But you have to. I want you to promise you’ll live your life without me.”
“It’s that easy, huh?” I said, the words coming out harsher than I’d meant them to.
Maggie spun to face me, anger flashing in her eyes. “Easy? Tommy, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It feels impossible, like I’m being asked to pull my own heart out of my chest. Please don’t make me feel any worse than I already do. But the only thing sadder than living without you while you’re gone is living without you because you’re dead.”
“I know.” I dropped my head. “I’m sorry.”
We walked around the side of the house to where my truck was waiting. Maggie opened the door and stood aside, but then blocked my way before I could get in. “Jim’s car,” she said, glancing toward the back of the house. “You should take the old Cadillac and leave your truck. No one will notice it’s gone, but if your truck isn’t here in the morning everyone will know you came back from Chicago.”
I stared at the truck for a moment. “I guess you’re right.” I leaned past her and pulled out the bag I’d stashed under the seat. Stolen money and a stolen book. Not even the bag was mine, and now I wouldn’t have my truck either. Apparently I really was leaving everything behind tonight.
I followed Maggie around the back of the house. “Sorry I’m leaving you with that piece of scrap to deal with,” I said, gesturing to the old trailer as we passed by it. “Maybe you could get a few bucks for it. I’m sure John could do a quick trailer sale or something.”
“Maybe.” She shrugged, giving the trailer a sort of curious frown. She smiled at me over her shoulder, and I could tell that she was willing herself to put on a brave face. “You’ll need a new name, I suppose. It’ll be odd to think of you out there in the world as anyone other than Tommy Costello.” We stopped beside the car, and she dug a set of keys from her sweater pocket.
I took them, holding her hand in mine for a second before I pulled away. “Then I won’t be anyone other than Tommy Costello.”
“That would sort of defeat the purpose of hiding, wouldn’t it?”
“I’ll keep moving, stay vigilant, but this book of Michael’s should be all the protection I need.” I hadn’t given much thought to my name before now. I had no people in the Village or anywhere else, no family to feel connected to. But suddenly it seemed important. It meant something. “If I have to lose everything else when I leave here, I’m at least keeping my name.”
Maggie nodded. “I’m glad.”
“I’ll get in touch whenever I can.”
Again, she nodded. “I’d like that, but I meant what I said, Tommy. I want you to live your life. You can’t waste it away wishing for something neither of us can have.”
Now it was my turn to nod. I knew I wouldn’t keep my promise. I knew I’d spend the rest of my life wishing for her, and for my son, but I couldn’t say it. Part of me was sure she already knew. “I love you, ma croix.”
Maggie smiled. “And I love you.”
I kissed her, long and deliberately, memorizing everything I could about the way her lips felt against mine, about how she smelled and tasted. When I’d committed it all to memory, I let her go and ducked into the car. Maggie stepped back so I could close the door. She pulled her sweater closed over her nightgown and hugged herself, shuddering just a little, either from the cold or from the sound of the engine that broke the stillness of the night.
I forced myself to face the windshield, turning her into a dark blur in my peripheral vision. The car lurched forward and bumped across the lawn until it reached the blacktop. I kept my eyes trained on the road ahead of me, aware that if I even glanced in the rearview I’d never be able to keep going. My legs felt weak, and I struggled to keep pressure on the gas pedal as I imagined her fading from the mirror. Still, I knew driving away from her was the easy part. The real difficulty was still ahead of me. The hard part would be living the rest of my life without my heart.
EPILOGUE
POP REILLY HADN’T lasted the season. By Samhain he was in the ground, buried between his beloved wife and their eldest son in the small wooded graveyard behind the Village. Clans from all over Louisiana, Mississippi, and Georgia had come to mourn his death and celebrate his life. Some had even come from as far away as South Carolina to pay their respects. John had been happy for the turnout, happy that his father was so well loved, but he’d also been glad when they all cleared out again.
Michael Sheedy had taken the gathering as a chance to establish himself as the new leader of the Village, and there hadn’t been anyone to stop him. By the time the funeral ended, he’d arranged two marria
ges and claimed a new territory in Colorado for the next season. Despite John’s own claim to leadership, no one questioned Michael’s authority. They were impressed by the quiet way he intimidated anyone who thought to stand against him, and, as far as the rest of the clan was concerned, he’d earned the new position. When it was announced his oldest son would be married to a girl who’d been dragged just a few years before, there was hardly even a murmur of dissent. Pop Sheedy’s word was law, and when he said the girl had redeemed herself, everyone believed it.
Marie and Sonny were married on a gray day in November. Maggie sat alone in one corner of the fire hall, a sleeping infant in her arms. The baby had been born with a shock of dark hair, and eyes as green as his mother’s. John approached her, limping not because of his prosthesis, but because of Jimmy Boy, who clung to his good leg, giggling each time he swung his foot to take a step. He carried another boy, his son Pete, over his shoulder. People underestimated him because of his leg, but John was a strong man. He’d endured the death of both parents, his brother’s murder, Tommy’s disappearance, and had stepped up to help raise his nephews. Or, at least to help as much as Maggie would let him.
“And what are you cheeky little monkeys doing?” she asked in her best “stern mother” voice.
“Just being boys,” John answered. He reached up and flipped Pete over his shoulder to set him down on the ground. Next, he reached down to pry Jimmy Boy from his leg. He tossed the squealing boy high into the air before he set him on his feet. Pete grabbed Jimmy Boy’s hand and the two of them tore off together.
John took a seat next to Maggie. “I’m surprised you came today,” he said.
“I’m surprised you did,” Maggie answered.
John nodded. He reached over to lift the baby from Maggie’s arms and settled him against his chest. “I didn’t want to, but I guess it would look bad if either of us missed it. Like maybe we don’t respect our new clan leader.”
Maggie’s eye narrowed. She looked like a cobra ready to spit. “We certainly wouldn’t want anyone to think that.”
“People are talking, you know. Whispering about what Marie must have done to get back into Michael’s good graces. This wedding has brought up a lot of talk about Jim and what really happened.”
“And here I thought Michael had already told them all what to think on that.”
“Not everyone was happy to see him take control of things around here.” John leaned back in his chair to watch the couples dancing at the center of the room. “I’ve even heard a rumor that there are people who would be loyal to Tommy if he ever decided to come back.”
The sudden stiffness in Maggie’s posture was barely noticeable. She seemed to watch the dancers as well, though her eyes shifted to John at the mention of Tommy. “No one even knows if he’s alive or dead.”
“That’s true.” John gave a thoughtful nod. “No one’s heard from him in months.”
“I think we have to accept that he’s gone for good, John,” Maggie said. “He’d have called. Or at least sent a letter to say he was all right.”
“It’s just hard, you know? If he were here, we might not have to deal with Sheedy calling the shots.”
“If you believe the rumors, aye, but who knows what Michael would do if he ever showed up again.” She paused for a moment, before adding, “If he were still alive.”
“Right,” John said. “Like you said, if he were, he would have sent word somehow.”
“Exactly.” Maggie nodded and her shoulders relaxed just a little.
“That reminds me,” John said. He cradled the baby with one arm and used the other to reach into his back pocket. His hand reappeared a second later holding a small package wrapped in brown paper. “This came to our post office box, but I have a feeling it’s for you.” He handed the package to Maggie.
She took it, staring down at the block print with wide eyes. There was no return address, but the postmark told her it had traveled from Washington State. She lifted her face to look at John.
He grinned at her, satisfied with having gotten the better of the exchange. Not an easy feat where Maggie was concerned. “Shay and I are going to go find those boys before they get themselves into trouble,” he said. He pushed himself up from the lawn chair and adjusted his weight over both legs so he was steady on his feet. He took a few steps, but then turned back. “If I’ve heard the rumors, it’s safe to assume Sheedy’s heard them too.”
His meaning wasn’t lost on her. She looked again at the package and then up at the crowd of wedding guests. She stood and wandered around the side of the room, dodging crepe paper swans that dangled from the ceiling at odd intervals. Michael Sheedy wasn’t at his seat at the head table, and a quick scan of the room revealed he wasn’t taking Bridget for a turn around the dance floor either. Maggie pushed through the doors at the side of the hall.
“I appreciate you coming to me,” Michael said. His back was turned to the door, and he hadn’t seen Maggie come outside, but the young man he spoke to, a perpetually nervous kid everyone called Twitchy Dan, had. His bug-eyed stare made Michael turn to see who’d joined them. Twitchy Dan seized the opportunity to escape and scurried around the back of the building.
“Maggie.” Michael beamed at her. “You look beautiful. I have to say, I’m starting to get used to these sweet little dresses of yours. They’re plain as dry toast, but they suit you somehow.”
“Kind of you to say, Michael.” She smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes.
“Don’t mention it,” he said, his own smile still frozen in place. “You know, most folks around here call me Pop now.”
“I’ve noticed that.” She pressed her knuckles into her hips. “Michael.”
His nostrils flared, but it was the only indication she’d hit a nerve. “What can I do for you, Maggie?”
“You can call off your manhunt and leave Tommy be,” she said.
Michael struggled to keep his expression neutral. “I’m not sure what you mean. I know there are some rumors that Tommy might have had something to do with your dear husband’s death, but as far as I know, no one is looking for him.”
Maggie pursed her lips. “Hmmm. And I suppose you’ve had nothing to do with spreading those rumors?”
Michael’s mouth dropped open in surprise. It was almost convincing. “Tommy was a good man. And I don’t truck with gossip or mean-spirited rumors.”
“Whatever you’ve been telling people, Michael, it doesn’t matter one bit. We both know that going after him would be a mistake.”
“And how do we know that?” he asked through clenched teeth.
“Because he has that book of yours. The one that went missing from your safe the night Jim came home.”
Now the flash of surprise was genuine, but he covered it quickly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you don’t. Still, you wouldn’t want anyone else to know what I’m talking about either, would you? And if you don’t leave Tommy alone I’ll make damn sure they do.”
He cut the distance between them in a few long strides. “You forget, Maggie, I have a few things I could tell people about you. They all love your home remedies and old-world wisdom now, but how do you think this lot would feel if they knew about your bastard son?”
Maggie never flinched. She’d been ready for this confrontation since Tommy had driven away from her all those months ago. It had been part of her plan. “And who’s going to believe you? I’m a widowed woman raising two boys on my own. I didn’t run off with him, did I? If we were lovers, why would I have stayed behind? There are folks around here who might believe you, Michael, but there are also folks who are just waiting for a good reason to put you back in your place.”
Angry red splotches crept up Michael’s neck. “My place? My place is at the head of this clan. People here are loyal to me, Maggie.”
“And no one will argue that as long as you forget about Tommy. We both know there are people out there who’d prefer to see him whe
re you are, and if you make trouble for him, I’ll make sure he comes back. Then we can all find out together just how many people are loyal to you.”
Michael clenched and unclenched his fists as if he might actually strike her, but Maggie didn’t back down.
“Fine,” Michael said. “That’s fine for now. But believe me, Maggie, Tommy Costello stole from me and this clan, and he’s going to pay for that some day.”
“And you believe me, Michael Sheedy. That day is going to be a good long time from now if I have anything to say about it.”
“I guess we’ll see. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go celebrate my son’s wedding.” He shouldered past her and yanked open the side door. As soon as it slammed behind him, Maggie blew out the breath she’d been holding. She knew this was the first of many confrontations she’d have with Michael Sheedy, but if that were what it took to protect Tommy, she’d gladly do it every day of her life. Even if there were people loyal to Tommy, it wouldn’t mean a thing if Michael had him killed. Still, part of her wanted to reach out to Tommy even now and beg him to come back. She never answered her phone anymore, afraid that if he were on the line, she might do just that. She knew he’d come as soon as she asked, and she’d ask as soon as she heard his voice.
She felt dazed, and reached out to steady herself against the brick wall. The package John had given her was still clutched tightly in her hand, though she’d completely forgotten about it until now. She stared at it for a long time, her eyes tracing the neatly printed address, and then turned it over to tear it open.
There was a plain white box under the paper, and when she pulled the lid off she found a silver pendant on a leather cord. A celtic triskele like the one she’d lost, only this one was prettier, the interlocking spirals more delicate. There was no card or note, but she knew who’d sent it. She pulled the necklace from the box and slipped it over her head, dropping the packaging to the ground. It felt warm against her skin when she pressed it into her chest with the palm of her hand. She closed her eyes and pictured him standing in front of her. He smiled at her with the same sleepy grin she’d first seen the day he picked her up at the airport. It seemed like ages had passed in just the few years since that day. And ages more would pass before she’d see him again. But now, for the first time since he’d left her standing outside in the early dawn light, she was sure of one thing: she would see him again.