Didn’t it?
Yes. Yes. He was in love with Tia and he’d been miserable without her.
Anyway, she was going back to America soon and she didn’t want to leave him here on his own. She’d worked so hard for her powerful position and she couldn’t give it all up now. She may not be beautiful and arty and alluring like Tia and Violet, but she could hold her own in a tough business environment and she could damn well look after herself.
She didn’t need a man to make her happy. She didn’t need Alex.
Eyes burning and throat tense with a sudden swell of panic at being discovered eavesdropping on their reunion, she dashed back into the bathroom. Taking a few steadying breaths, she closed the door quietly behind her.
Her thoughts were racing so fast around her head that she felt dizzy and sick with it. She longed to get out of there and leave them to it. She knew they must have a lot to talk about and didn’t want to cause any more trouble between them. Her heart lurched and her stomach churned at the thought of making an uncomfortable exit past them. She didn’t think she could face Alex right now. She had no idea what she’d say to him. Her mind was whirling with thoughts and emotions and she didn’t want to put him in an awkward position.
Yes, that was it. That was why she was feeling so panicky and weird. The whole situation was highly emotionally complicated. Better to leave quietly and explain her absence later when they’d all had a chance to get their heads together.
Glancing round the bathroom, she feverishly eyed the small window above the toilet and decided it was probably just about big enough for her to climb out of. Putting down the lid of the loo, she put one foot on it and boosted herself up. Pushing the window open as far as it would go, she slid quickly out into the sharp wintry air, trying not to fall over the recycling bins stacked up directly beneath the window. She felt her trousers snag on something, then rip as she jumped down, but she didn’t stop to check the damage. She’d do a full assessment once she was far enough away from this place, safely back at home.
After letting herself out through the back gate with a shaking hand, she traversed the lane out to the street and hightailed it back to her flat.
Well, you did it, she told herself as she unsteadily poured herself a large glass of white wine in her kitchen ten minutes later. Her whole body felt weirdly numb now. She’d fulfilled Amy’s wish to make sure Alex was okay. He was a lot happier now than when she’d first met him. If a reconciliation with Tia was on the cards, his life would be firmly back on track.
She could go back to the States with a clear conscience.
Taking a big gulp of wine, she forced it past the tight pressure in her throat.
Yes, it was all looking very good for Alex.
So why did she feel like crying?
* * *
For maybe five seconds after Tia launched herself at him and pressed her mouth hard against his, Alex had allowed himself to sink into the familiar comfort of the kiss. Her taste and smell and touch brought back intense memories of happier times, making his chest ache and his taste buds tingle with nostalgia. But then a vision of Flora’s smile had swum through his mind and kissing Tia had suddenly felt completely and utterly wrong.
Before Christmas he’d longed for things to go back to the way they once were: before Amy had become ill, before his love of playing and writing music had deserted him, before Tia had left him. He missed that more simple time, when he was full of naïve excitement about all the possibilities that lay ahead of him.
But his life was different now. He was different.
He felt as if he’d grown up in the last few weeks.
While it was a powerful ego rush to experience the glory of winning Tia back, he realised in those jarring seconds that he didn’t want her any more.
He wanted Flora—intensely and with a passion that he’d never experienced before. He felt that she understood him and that she genuinely cared about him. It wasn’t all about her when he was with her, like it had been with Tia. Flora treated him as an equal.
That was who he really wanted in his life.
Flora.
He just needed to convince her that he was worth taking a risk on and staying here in England for.
After untangling himself from Tia’s desperate grip and sending her on her way as fast as he could—which had proved a little tricky when it became obvious that she was intent on changing his mind, even going as far as producing tears, which had no effect on him whatsoever—he’d slammed the door shut behind her and rushed back to tell Flora about his revelation, only to find the flat empty.
He checked every room twice, desperately hoping he’d somehow missed her. But after a few minutes of calling her name—and experiencing a sick, sinking feeling when he noticed that the bathroom window was wide open—he came to the disturbing conclusion that she wasn’t there any more. That she’d escaped out of a window.
But had she gone right after they’d had that tense conversation about her giving up her job or right after Tia had turned up?
Picking up his phone with a shaking hand, he called her number.
‘Hey, where did you go?’ he asked gruffly when she finally answered.
‘I thought I’d make a silent exit so you and Tia could work things out without being interrupted.’ Her strangely upbeat tone of voice sent a panicky sort of shiver across his skin.
‘It didn’t sound like I was her favourite person at the moment,’ she went on before he could say anything, ‘and I didn’t want to disrupt what looked like a reunion?’ She inflected her voice at the end to make it a question, the intrigued tone making it sound as if she was fishing for salacious gossip. It sounded as if she had seen them kissing—but she wasn’t angry with him about it.
What the hell was this? Why did she sound so happy at the prospect of him getting back together with Tia? Did what they’d been through together recently really mean so little to her? Was she totally set on going back to her job and life in the States and forgetting all about him?
‘She wants me back, apparently,’ he said, trying to keep the hurt at her unexpectedly blasé reaction out of his voice.
‘Well, it’s great to hear she’s finally come to her senses,’ Flora said, her voice jokey now as if she was totally oblivious to how much pain this conversation was causing him.
Humiliation sank to the pit of his stomach as it occurred to him that maybe hanging around with him as a friend really had just been about fulfilling Amy’s last wish. That it hadn’t meant anything more than that to her. That he didn’t mean more than that to her.
‘You think I should take her back?’ he asked tersely, digging his nails into his palms to keep the desperation he felt at this painful revelation at bay.
There was a small pause before she said, ‘Well, I guess everyone deserves a second chance. It sounded like she was genuinely sorry about the way she’d handled it all. And it would make your life so much easier if you were back on good terms with her, with regard to staying with the band.’
Was there a slight wobble in her voice now, or had he just imagined it?
‘True,’ he said, clenching his fists harder.
‘I think you should do whatever makes you happy, Alex,’ she said so breezily that he knew for sure now that she’d never change her mind about jacking in her job and staying in England. With him. It was clear she was standing aside so he could get back with Tia without any hard feelings between them.
That she didn’t care enough to fight for him. For them.
He was glad now that he’d only hinted about her doing that earlier, rather than coming right out and saying it. What a humiliating and utterly devastating knock-back that would have been. The last thing he needed in his emotionally fractured state after losing Amy was another woman rejecting him.
‘We’ll still be friends though, right
?’ she asked. This time he definitely detected a slightly strained note in her voice. Did she think he’d totally drop her if Tia was back on the scene? Was that really how he came across to her? The idea made him feel sick.
‘Of course we’ll still be friends, no matter what happens,’ he managed to force out. His head was swimming now, his thoughts and feelings a tangled mess.
‘Great.’ She took a deliberate-sounding breath. ‘Anyway, I’m going to go. I’ve got a banging headache—a migraine, I think—so I’m going to cry off tonight. Wish everyone happy New Year for me, won’t you?’
‘You’re not coming out now?’ he asked, hearing the incredulity in his voice.
There was a small, tense pause. ‘No. Sorry, I’ll only be a killjoy if I’m not feeling well. You’ll have a good time with Tia and your friends though, won’t you.’ It was a statement, not a question. ‘Happy New Year,’ she said, and with that decisive end to the conversation she cut the line.
He sat there for a while afterwards, staring at the wall, feeling a fresh new kind of grief pouring through him. The pain of having become so close to Flora, only to lose her so abruptly, made his heart ache. It felt like a death, even though he knew she’d still be out there somewhere, getting on with her life without him.
But then he should be used to losing the people he loved by now. It seemed he was destined to be alone.
Getting up shakily, he walked into the kitchen and reached for a tumbler and the bottle of whisky he kept stashed at the back of the cupboard. But just as he went to screw off the top, something stopped him. He didn’t want to sink back into oblivion again. He wanted to feel. To relive all the joyful thoughts and discoveries he’d experienced whilst he’d been around Flora. To prod those emotional bruises.
To his surprise, he found that he wanted to compose a new song.
* * *
Flora threw her mobile across the room, watching with a sick sort of satisfaction as it bounced along the floor and came to rest against the stone fireplace.
There was a large crack in the screen. A bit like my heart, she thought wryly, though there was no real humour in this observation.
She had no idea how she’d said all those words to Alex without howling with misery-filled frustration throughout the whole conversation.
It seemed clear from the rasp in his voice that he felt bad about dropping her after all they’d shared in the last couple of weeks. But he was still in love with Tia. That was perfectly obvious. And she really couldn’t blame him for how he felt. She’d seen the tension in him at the gig when Tia had been around and the way he’d looked at her. And she knew Tia could probably make him happier than she could; they had much more in common with each other. He only kissed very special people, after all.
Anyway, she was used to being second best by now. It seemed to be her default position with the men she fell for. She and Alex weren’t right for each other; they were too different. They’d just been each other’s emotional prop during a difficult time. The thing between them had only happened because they’d both been sad and in need of some human contact. They’d understood and soothed each other’s pain, but that was all it had been about. If it hadn’t been for Amy’s death, they probably wouldn’t have even connected.
Alex and Tia, on the other hand, had something she never would.
They made music together.
CHAPTER TWELVE
NEW YEAR’S DAY was horrendous.
Flora spent most of it lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, not having the energy or impetus to get up and do anything with her day off.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Alex and what he might be doing with Tia. Had he taken her out last night to meet up with Pete and Des in the pub? That would make sense. Tia was part of the band after all. They all belonged together.
Finally managing to drag herself out of bed at lunchtime, Flora got up and made herself a strong cup of coffee, wincing as the heat of it burned her mouth.
Trailing into the living room, she turned on the TV and stared blankly at the news, her eyes gritty and tired from a poor night’s sleep. She hated being alone in bed again. Even though they had only spent a week waking up next to each other, she’d grown used to having Alex’s solid form there next to her. She’d loved being able to roll over and wrap herself around him in the night, feeling the soft rise and fall of his breathing against her chest as he slept.
And he seemed to have slept much better with her in the bed too. He’d not woken up after a couple of hours like he had been doing before Christmas. Or so he’d told her.
Tamping down on a fresh swell of misery, she flicked the channel over to one that was playing music videos. She needed to hear something upbeat and positive right now to pull her out of this painful vortex of despair.
How could she be feeling this distraught after only being with him for such a short time? she wondered as a surge of hot tears pressed at the back of her eyes and throat. Was it because she’d been using Alex to fill the gaping hole in her heart that his sister had left when she’d died?
No. That hadn’t been it. No one could ever replace Amy, not even her twin brother.
She’d fallen for him in his own right, this scruffy, roguish, compassionate, frustrating man.
Somehow he’d opened up her eyes and made her start to value things she’d never put any store in before. Like music. Like having a family and a home to go back to whenever she needed it. He’d made her stop and think about what she’d taken for granted for far too long—a notion that she’d been incredibly resistant to accepting in the past, even when Amy had repeatedly pointed it out.
At the thought of having lost both Amy and Alex, anxiety rose like a venomous snake ready to strike. She fought it back, determined not to give in to the constricting band of fear in her chest. She took a few deep breaths, blanking her mind.
But thoughts of Alex still managed to creep back in.
He’d had a way of making her feel calm whenever he was around. Whole. Enough.
Though she didn’t feel enough right now. Not when she had Tia to compete with.
Inadequate. That was how she actually felt. Corporate success meant nothing to Alex and that was all she had going for her.
Tia was beautiful and talented and mysterious and had wrapped herself around Alex’s heart like a vine. There was no way a woman like that was going to let someone as amazing as Alex go. She’d be a complete idiot to do that.
So what did that make Flora?
Choking back her tears, she got up and went to take a long hot shower, hoping the stinging heat of the water would distract her from the cold chill that had invaded her body ever since she’d left Alex’s flat last night.
She was gently towelling dry her strangely sensitive skin when her mobile started to ring. She picked it up, glancing at the display and feeling her heart leap into her throat as she saw the name on the screen.
Alex.
She almost let it go to voicemail, before telling herself not to be such a coward. They were still friends and she didn’t want to cut all ties with him, even if it meant only hearing from him now and again. It would be terrifically hard, but she’d deal with it. She was well-practised in dealing with grief now.
‘Hi,’ she said, forcing her voice to sound upbeat and breezy. ‘Happy New Year.’
There was a short pause before he spoke. ‘Happy New Year, Flora.’ His voice was rough, as if he’d been out all night and only just woken up.
‘So how was last night? Did you all have a good time?’ she asked in a strangled voice, wrapping her arm tightly across her stomach to quell the uncomfortable ache there.
‘I didn’t go,’ he said tonelessly.
Ah, of course not. He and Tia must have stayed in. They’d had some making up to do after all.
She fought back the sw
ell of nausea this thought caused.
‘Well, I slept through the whole thing,’ she chirped, feeling like the biggest faker in the world. ‘My head’s a lot better now though, thank goodness.’
There was another pause on his end of the phone. ‘Great,’ he said.
Another beat of silence.
‘So what’s up?’ she asked, feeling desperate to get this conversation over and done with now, before the hard sobs that were making her throat constrict painfully managed to escape and give her away.
‘I just wanted to call and let you know my news.’
‘Oh?’ She held her breath, steeling herself to hear something about him and Tia.
‘The band have been offered a recording contract,’ he said.
She sucked in a breath of surprise, feeling genuinely pleased for him. ‘Oh, wow, that’s fantastic! When did you hear?’
‘Just now. Tia’s just finished talking to the record producer. Apparently we’ll be expected to start touring around England pretty quickly to get our name out there.’
‘I’m really happy for you, Alex. Make sure you send me photos from the road,’ she said, biting her lip to stop herself from letting out a sob.
So that was it then. He’d be off soon, touring with his girlfriend. She hoped if Amy was looking down on them right now she’d be pleased with what she saw unfolding here.
Perhaps if she hung onto that hope this horrendous feeling of anguish would go away and she could go back to her old life feeling satisfied that everyone was happy and their lives were sorted.
Everyone except for her.
Because she was in love with Alex Trevelyan, and he didn’t love her back.
* * *
After concluding the call, Alex put the phone down and swallowed hard. It had taken all his courage to tap on Flora’s name to connect him to her, but he was glad he’d done it. He’d wanted to hear her voice again. He’d dreamt about it. He was missing her as if one of his major organs had been ripped out of his body, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out which one.
His Mistletoe Proposal Page 14