by Nathan Roden
“They are only making fun at Father’s expense, Charlotte—the same way that Mother has done for years,” she said.
“Well, she has known him for quite a long time. These people have only just met him,” Charlotte said.
“Do you know where Father is right now, at this moment, Charlotte?” Nora asked.
“No. Where is he?” Charlotte asked.
“He has gone off with Butch and Ernest, and do you know why?” Nora asked.
“Why?” Charlotte asked.
“Because they have television, that’s why.”
Nora and Charlotte giggled while Holly shook her head.
“My father created a monster,” Holly said.
“Where are we going?” Dallas asked.
“First off, we have to go and fetch Luther Peabody,” Butch said.
“Is this man a member of your family?”
Ernest snorted.
“Good Lord, no. Luther was a stinkin’ pig farmer, and I do mean stinkin’,” Ernest said.
Butch laughed.
“You ain’t wrong there, Cousin—heavy on the stinkin’. Nobody could stand to be around Luther when he was alive. He had an air about him if you know what I mean,” Butch said. “Those pigs must have thought Luther was one of their relations.”
“If Luther was their family, then that family was a bunch of cannibals, Butch,” Ernest laughed louder. So did Butch.
“What is so humorous?” Dallas asked.
“Old Luther had one milk cow,” Butch said. “His wife used to milk her every mornin’ because that cow hated Luther. He couldn’t get close enough to milk her. Anyway, his wife was off visitin’ her sister, so Luther had to try and milk that cow himself. She let him get about a quart, and then she kicked old Luther in the head. She either killed him or knocked him out. And that’s how the pigs got to him.”
Dallas stopped in his tracks.
“God in heaven! For the love of all that is holy, why do we seek this man?”
“Easy, Governor,” Ernest said. He grabbed Dallas by the wrist and pulled him forward, “I don’t know why, but Luther is the only feller we know that can make a remote control work. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.”
Holly opened the combination safe in the floor of the office as Nora and Charlotte looked on. Holly extracted the painting for them to see.
“I just wanted you to see that it was good and safe, Charlotte.”
Charlotte’s eyes lit up.
“Thank you, Holly,” she said.
“Mr. Lynchburg has promised that he will have a safe place made for it on the wall of your room. Until then, it will be safe in here. In the safe.”
“That’s a whole lot of safety, is what you’re saying,” Nora said.
“I believe that you may safely say just that,” Holly said.
“Then I shall,” Nora said.
“I won’t feel safe until you put it back—so please do—while it is safe to do so,” Charlotte said.
“Will Wylie be here in the morning, Holly?” Nora asked.
“I think so. He’s been here every day, following us around,” Holly said. “He does seem interested in the castle.”
“I believe it’s a certain young lady that he’s interested in,” Charlotte said in a sing-song fashion.
“Oh, shut up, Charlotte,” Nora said, too quickly. Holly looked worried.
“I may only be eight years old, but I know what lovey-dovey eyes look like, Nora,” Charlotte said defiantly. She stuck her tongue out at her sister.
“Is Wylie going to be your boyfriend?” Nora asked, looking down at the floor.
“For the love of Mike! No! Don’t be silly,” Holly stammered. ”He’s a…he’s a friend. And he’s a good worker. That’s all I know. We have lots of work to do and he’s gonna have to pull his weight.”
“He’s as cute as a box of puppies is what he is,” Charlotte said.
Nora narrowed her eyes and glared at her little sister.
“Girls, do you know where your father is?” Prince David stuck his head through the door.
“I’ve just returned from the far side of the village where I encountered a ‘City Limit’ sign.”
“You might have passed him, then. He left here at around sunset with the Atkins cousins,” Nora said.
“Aaaack! What has he to do with these…these…?”
“The Atkins’ seem to be nice enough people, Prince,” Holly said. “You’re no longer confined to the castle grounds so you’re going to have to learn to play with the other kids.”
“Have you any idea what fate you would have just called down upon yourself back in my—”
“You’re not back in your anything, nor will you ever be again, Your Highness. You might as well get used to the fact that you are now part of this community, like it or not,” Holly said.
Arabella had been lingering behind David and made her entrance.
“We will never be part of any community, child,” she said. “We have met no one who recognizes our Royalty. No one has bowed in our presence. Just this day, as we strode through this filthy village, I found myself before a puddle of mud. No fewer than four men witnessed this, and not one of them stepped forward to cover the puddle with their cloaks. I had no choice but to—”
“To go around it?” Holly asked.
Arabella worked her jaw a couple of times.
“I was forced to walk…around it. Yes,” Arabella said. She was obviously not finished.
“Indeed! What manner of barbarians are we in the midst of? Answer me, girl. We are without guards, without servants, and without attendants. I am forced to do everything myself, including this silly mission that your father sends us on every day.”
“Why don’t you both resign yourselves to the fact that you’re no different nor any better than the rest of us,” Nora said. “You’ll have no chance at happiness until you do.”
“Happy. Happy, she says,” Arabella paced and waved her arms. “What have we had to be happy about for all of these years?”
“I don’t think you even know what happy is, Arabella,” Charlotte said.
Arabella stopped. She bit her lip, and tension fell from her shoulders.
“I most certainly do,” she said.
“When was that?” Charlotte asked. “When were you happy?”
Arabella was shaken. A tear escaped her eye.
“Why…why must you all insist on being so cruel?” she said as she fled the room.
The girls looked at each other, and no one spoke. Holly and Nora looked on in surprise as David knelt in front of Charlotte and took her hand.
“There is more to my sister’s insufferable behavior than you might imagine. Perhaps the time approaches that we come to grips with the past,” he said.
He stood up and looked at all three girls.
“The two of us were ill-prepared to live in this world. Please do not give up on us.”
David left the room. The girls looked at each other, wide-eyed and blinking.
“Did that just happen?” Holly finally said.
“I think so. That is a more curious pair than I ever suspected,” Nora said. “You found a nerve, Charlotte.”
The girls were halfway up the stairs to the turret room when Elizabeth called to them.
“Do you girls know where your father has gone off to? I cannot find him anywhere,” Elizabeth asked.
The girls exchanged a glance.
“I believe he went to see Mr. Atkins about…something,” Nora said.
“Which Mr. Atkins?”
“Both of them, of course. They are always together as far as I can tell,” Nora said.
“I have plans to discuss with him. Mrs. Atkins has invited us to visit a local theater tomorrow night.”
“That sounds exciting, Mother,” Charlotte said. “What is performed at this theater?”
“Brenda Sue Atkins says this theater features quality performers of both types of music,” Elizabeth said.
“What two types of music?” Holly asked.
“I wondered that myself. Brenda Sue says that they feature both Country and Western.”
Nora and Charlotte sighed.
“There is so much for us to learn in this America,” Nora said.
An hour later, Elizabeth climbed the stairs to the turret room. David was with her.
“Nora, I would like for you to go with David and find your father. Obviously, he has lost track of the time,” Elizabeth said, more than a little annoyed.
“Okay, mother.”
“I’ll go as well, Mother,” Charlotte said.
“Now, Charlotte…”Elizabeth said.
“I understand your concern, Mother,” Charlotte said. “Why, I could be killed.”
Elizabeth took her baby daughter’s chin in her hand.
“A Mother’s instinct to protect her little ones never dies, Baby.”
Charlotte hugged her mother around the waist.
“I know, Mother. That’s why we love you.”
Nora hugged her mother as well.
“It’s certainly not because of her cooking,” she said.
“I was a good cook, Miss Smart Pants,” Elizabeth said.
“Of course, you were, Mother,” Nora said. She turned her back to her mother to face Holly and rolled her eyes as she put a finger down her throat.
Holly followed David, Nora, and Charlotte down the stairs.
“Wait up while I get my coat, please,” Holly said.
“You’re coming with us?” Nora asked. “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Holly? It’s getting pretty late.”
Holly shrugged. “I can’t ask my Mum, now can I?”
Twenty-two
The McIntyre Family
Branson, Missouri
“So, this is the pig farm?” Dallas asked, looking around.
“Not anymore,” Butch said, “Mrs. Peabody sold off all the pigs.”
“You know what I just thought of, Butch?” Ernest asked.
“What’s that?”
“Them pigs still had ole Luther inside when they went off to market.”
Butch screwed up his face and then started laughing.
“That is downright disgusting, Ernest. What is wrong with your brain? How am I supposed to look at Luther with that picture in my head now? Thanks a lot.”
“May I take your order, Sir?” Ernest said, “Yes ma’am, give me a couple eggs over easy and some of that Luther Bacon.”
“Ewww! That’s enough o’ that, Ernest,” Butch said.
“They might have to change the name on that Dr. Seuss book to ‘Green Eggs and Luther,” Ernest struggled to complete his joke while he laughed. This caused him to blow a snot bubble.
“Enough! Gentlemen,” Dallas said, “Does this property remain a farm of some kind? Do any of the living reside here?”
“Oh, sure. Mrs. Peabody is still here. She sold off the pigs and turned the place into a dairy farm,” Ernest said.
Dallas raised both brows.
“This woman’s husband was killed by a cow, and she now employs….more cows?”
“Yeah, I never thought of it like that, but yeah, that’s what she did.”
“Well, if that is not filled with the very essence of irony,” Dallas said.
“The sense of what?” Butch said.
“A cruel inversion of poetic justice,” Dallas said.
“I don’t think we got all of that board out of his backside, Ernest,” Butch said.
“We probably missed some splinters,” Ernest said, “they should work their way out eventually.”
Ernest grabbed Dallas by the sleeve.
“Hey! Mr. Shakespeare. Try to pay attention. Here’s the deal, Monty Hall.”
“Monty…I beg your pardon?” Dallas said.
“Mrs. Peabody still lives in the house. She goes to bed pretty early but she doesn’t sleep too good. Sometimes she gets up in the middle of the night and comes out on the back porch to smoke her pipe,” Ernest said.
“The lady smokes a pipe?” Dallas asked.
“Don’t get all hung up on the details, Dallas. Luther has a workshop out back—”
“It’s a big ole pipe,” Butch said.
“Dad burnit, Butch, you ain’t helpin’,” Ernest said. “Luther has his workshop out back—”
“Big ole green pipe, ‘bout this big,” Butch held out his hands eighteen inches apart.”
“Big stinkin’ deal, Butch!” Ernest said, his face turning red. “It ain’t agin the law for a woman to smoke a pipe on her own back porch!”
“I don’t know ‘bout that, Ernest,” Butch said. He elbowed Dallas in the ribs and smiled and then twirled his index finger around in a circle.
“Big ole green pipe; got a dragon wrapped around it—a dragon with shiny red eyes.”
“Are you gonna shut up somewhere this side o’ Sunday, Cousin?” Ernest said with his hands on his hips. “We got certain ground rules to cover here.”
Butch nodded.
“Luther built this workshop years ago,” Ernest said.
“He spent most of his life out there; the Missus didn’t care too much for the smell of Luther, same as everybody else. That might be why she ain’t made a move to clean it out yet. Luther’s TV and his reclining chairs are out there and the power is still on. But we got to keep things quiet, so the Widow Peabody don’t up and shut down the Boys’ Club. You got all that, Dallas?”
“Yes. Do not create an unnecessary disturbance. I have it.”
“Hey! Hey!”
The ghost of Luther Peabody jumped from a recliner when he saw Dallas behind the Atkins boys.
“Shhhhh!” Butch and Ernest hissed through clenched teeth.
“Who in tarnation is that?” Luther said in a muted scream. Butch and Ernest each put a hand on the man’s chest and pushed him backward.
“You didn’t tell me you was bringin’ a stranger over tonight. We got us a good thing here, and here you go tryin’ yer dangdest to mess it all up. I should have never let you two—”
“Just shut up a minute, Luther. Dallas and his family are good people, and they just got here from Scotland,” Butch said.
“Oh, man,” Luther said, “you tellin’ me that we gonna get dead tourists? Aw, they’re gonna mess up everything.”
“They ain’t tourists, Luther. They come here in a castle, all the way from the other side of the world,” Ernest said.
“Well, you know that don’t make no sense at all,” Luther said, and then he turned and spit on the floor.
“We wouldn’t bring over just anybody, Luther. Dallas here is a fine upstandin’ feller. And he’s a big fan of C.J.”
“I did not say that Mr. Atkins,” Dallas stammered. “What I said was that I find the dramatic situations facing the lifeguarding staff on the beaches of California to be most titillating.”
Luther and the Atkins’ brothers exchanged glances.
“Well,” Butch said, “we don’t usually just blurt out stuff like that, Brother, but I’m guessin’ we’re all on the same page here.”
“Uh, huh,” Luther said. “Where’d ya get somethin’ like that, Dallas— back of the TV Guide?”
Luther turned to Butch and Ernest and said, “Well, the one thing I can tell you ‘bout your buddy so far is that he’s full o’ horse—”
“Sh! It’s straight up seven o’clock, Luther. Baywatch is comin’ on,” Ernest said.
The four sat and waited as Luther handled the remote control. The opening credits of Baywatch filled the small screen.
“Turn it up just a little, Luther,” Butch said.
“What is wrong with the sound?” Dallas asked. “I cannot understand what they’re saying.”
“So? We’ve never been able to understand ‘em. This only comes on the Spanish channel, but they run in for four hours straight every night,” Luther said.
“I can make up some words for you, Dallas,” Butch said.
“Hey! Look everybody! Thar’s somebody a dro
wnin’. Let us run and save them! Run, CJ, run! Run in slow-motion! Run, run, run. Bounce, bounce, bounce.”
Luther and Ernest cackled. Butch shushed them. They watched the rest of the episode in silence. During the commercial break, Luther turned to Dallas. He stuck out his hand, and Dallas shook it.
“The name’s Luther Peabody,”
“Dallas McIntyre.”
“McIntyre? You kin to Reba?”
Dallas, Butch, and Ernest all shook their heads.
“We already checked on that one, Luther. He ain’t, so far as he knows,” Butch said.
“So your name’s Dallas. How ‘bout them Cowboys?” Luther said.
Dallas looked at Butch and Ernest, who were looking at him and waiting for his response.
“I’m sorry, I don’t…what Cowboys?”
Luther stood up.
“Oh, there’s gonna be an epic battle this Sunday, my friend,” Luther said. Butch and Ernest nodded in recognition.
“A battle?” Dallas said.
“Our Cowboys are going up against the hated Redskins,” Ernest said.
Dallas’s eyes narrowed.
“The Redskins? Are you speaking of the Gingers? Aye, they are a bunch that loves to fight; I can vouch for that, especially when they’ve been drinking. So, some local fellows are to do battle with the Irish.”
“Irish?” Butch said. “Lord, no, Dallas. The Irish, those are college boys. From Notre Dame.”
“Notre Dame!” Dallas jumped to his feet. “So The French intend to join the fray as well? Aye, this is a formidable combination of foes. We must prepare immediately.”
“What in God’s green earth is he goin’ on about?” Luther asked, looking to Butch and Ernest, who could do nothing but shrug.
“Look, Dallas, there ain’t no Irish or no French involved. It’s just the Cowboys takin’ on the Redskins on Sunday.”
“Let’s just hope our ‘Boys don’t take the weakness of the Redskins for granted and go lookin’ ahead to battling the Vikings,” Luther said.
“And the week after that,” Butch said. “We travel to the hostile environment of New York City to face the Giants.”