by K. M. Hodge
Alex shrugged. “I don’t know, man. I try not to think about it too much.”
“I hear that.” After a long pause, Chris cleared his throat. “You should know, I told her about you getting shot, and about your heart. I told her because I wanted to upset her. How fucked up is that?”
After some thought, Alex said, “I’m glad she knows.”
His friend gave him a twisted, self-conscious grin. “So I’m not an asshole?”
“Oh, no, you’re still an asshole.” Alex smiled.
Chris punched him hard in the arm. “Thanks a lot, man.”
He twisted his bed sheet. “I wrote her a letter and put it in the mail yesterday, so she would have known anyways. I guess I got mad, too. I don’t know.”
Chris sighed and pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket. “Up for a game?”
“Absolutely, though if you want to help with the medical bills, you can save yourself the effort and write me a check right now.”
***
Wills Family OB/GYN
Washington, D.C.
December 30, 2008
12:00 PM
~~~
The paper covering the exam table stuck to her legs as she shifted her weight. Her taught abdomen contracted again, for the fourth time that hour, and the knock on the exam room door startled her. She was tired, having not slept properly since the shooting.
When her doctor walked in the room, her palms dampened. Please be good. I can’t take any more bad news.
“Mrs. Estrella,” the doctor said as she washed her hands in the basin. “The fetal fibronectin test was positive, which means you are at risk for preterm labor. I’m putting you on medical bedrest.”
Katherine let out a nervous huff of air as the panic at this news began to sink in. “Is the baby okay?”
Doctor Wills nodded. “He’s fine for right now. Your cervix isn’t shortening, but I’m concerned about these contractions you keep experiencing. I’d like for you to be in the hospital for at least a week to get things a little more under control. Sometimes a little rest and fluids can turn things around.”
Katherine’s heart pounded in her chest, and a faint fluttering erupted inside her belly, like a dozen butterflies flapping their wings against her rib cage. She rubbed her bump to reassure the child within.
Dr. Wills put her hand over Katherine’s. “We’re going to do everything we can to make sure this little guy stays in as long as possible. Okay?”
Katherine nodded as tears broke loose from the corner of her eyes and landed on the sheet covering her naked legs. “My husband....”
Dr. Wills squeezed her hand. “I called Providence. They’ve got an excellent Neonatal unit and are expecting you.”
Katherine sighed as she wiped away at her tears.
Dr. Wills let go of her hand and reached for the fetal heart rate monitor. “Why don’t we take a listen?”
Katherine lay back on the exam table and let the doctor run the monitor over her lower abdomen. The whirring sounds of her insides filled the room, followed by the distinctive thump of her son’s heartbeat.
“Strong heartbeat. Good fetal movement.”
Katherine sighed a little, letting the sound comfort her.
Chapter 23
Providence Memorial Hospital
Washington, D.C.
January 5, 2009
9:00 AM
~~~
Katherine felt the passage of time in a way she never had before. Each moment seemed to expand and contract upon itself.
As her doctors and nurses fought to keep her child inside her womb, two floors below her, the man she loved fought to stay alive. In the span of a week he had started to go downhill, even suffering a minor stroke. The side effects of the stroke were minimal, but the doctors made it clear that he might not be so lucky next time. More tests and more procedures followed—each one more ineffectual than the last.
She prepared herself to lose him.
Her nurses gave her looks of concern, as her medical records showed her history of depression and that she had suicidal ideations. Their pity cut her.
Despite the best efforts of those around her, she slipped back into the darkness. Despair clung to her. Aside from the hour a day her doctor allowed her to visit with Alex, she spent her days and nights on her left side, lying on a rock-hard bed in the labor and delivery ward. The cacophony of laborious women, mixed with newborn wails, dug at her resolve to be strong for Alex and their unborn son. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.
That morning, as the orderly wheeled her down to his floor, she felt the reassuring fluttering of her son reacting to the pounding of her heart.
Alex turned his head to see her being rolled in, and put on a crooked smile that didn’t reach his eyes. They performed a perfunctory dance for each other, as if everything was fine and dandy. She wasn’t sure who they were performing for, exactly.
“There’s my favorite girl.” His words slurred and he reached for her with his left hand—the right one was weak and useless.
“Hey,” she said, trying to not cry at the sight of his sagging eye and mouth. She grasped his hand in hers, brought it first to her lips and then to her belly.
His thumb rubbed her bump. “Hey there, little Bailey.”
“He’s very active this morning. I swear he knows when it’s time to see you.”
He looked away from her.
Alex’s doctor knocked on the open door and came inside. “How are you feeling this morning, Mr. Estrella?”
Alex cleared his throat and swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “I’m okay.”
His false bravado made her angry.
“The nurse tells me that your fever is gone. If we can keep it that way, we’re going to go through with the surgery tomorrow morning.”
Alex nodded and squeezed Katherine’s hand. “Sounds good, Doctor.”
“And how is little Junior doing?” the doctor asked Katherine.
“He’s doing great. I should be released to go home tomorrow.”
I hope!
Alex smiled weakly as he rubbed small circles on her knuckles with his thumb.
“Well,” the doctor said. “I’ll leave you folks to your visit. Alex, I hope to see you on my OR board tomorrow.”
“I’ll do my best,” Alex said.
The doctor walked out of the room, leaving them alone again.
He turned his head to face her. “Katherine, if I don’t pull through—”
She covered his mouth with her hand. “Don’t.”
He clasped her hand in his and kissed it. His eyes slid closed and he took a deep shaky breath. “Please, I need to talk about this.”
He squeezed her trembling hand. “I love you, Katherine. I don’t want to leave you, and I’m going to do everything I can to stay with you as long as humanly possible, but if I can’t, I need you to know how much you mean to me. Also... I want you find happiness without me.”
Katherine choked and sputtered as tears rushed down her cheeks. “Alex...”
He took two shaky breaths, and his heart monitor beeped as his blood pressure and heart rate began to climb. “I wrote him a letter.”
She looked away from him as the tears slid down her cheek. This is too much. “He won’t need one. You’re not going anywhere.”
Alex nodded and pulled her in to an embrace that simultaneously comforted her and broke her heart.
Will this be the last time?
Everything between them was punctuated with that thought—the last kiss and ‘I love you.’ She knew from the look in Alex’s eyes that the same thought plagued him.
***
Later that night, Katherine awoke with a start and sat up in bed, her heart racing and sweat dripping down her face.
A nurse rushed into the room. “Mrs. Estrella, are you okay?”
“Bad dream,” she said, gasping for breath. “I need to see him. I know it would break the rules, but I need to see him.”
&nbs
p; The nurse’s face fell. “Ma’am, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“I need to see him!”
The women sighed. “All right, but it will have to be quick, really quick.”
As the nurse wheeled her down the half-darkened halls, the quiet of the place struck a chord in her. The muffled wails of newborns were replaced by the wrenching sobs of mourning families. The cardiac unit was the quietest. The whir and blips of the machines in the partially darkened rooms seemed so ominous and sad to her.
Alex was asleep. The rise and fall of his chest brought her more comfort than she would care to admit.
The nurse kneeled down to look her in the eye, and whispered, “It was just a dream. He’s very much alive.”
Katherine put her hands on the chair wheels and scooted into the room. She watched his hand twitch involuntarily, his forehead smoothed out by sleep. He looked so peaceful. If not for the rise and fall of his chest, she imagined that this is what he would look like dead. She reached out to touch his hand, startling him awake.
“Huh!” When he rolled over and saw her, he smiled in confusion. “Katherine?”
“I had a bad dream,” she said.
He reached a hand out for her.
She went to him and fell into his comforting embrace. “Tell me again.”
He kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Katherine.”
She nestled against him. “I love you too, Alex.”
“I know,” he said, his voice cracking.
“I don’t want to lose you.” She lifted her head off his chest and kissed his tear-stained lips.
He cupped the back of her head in his hand as he deepened the kiss. When he pulled back, he slid his hand down to her bump and said, “I love you both so much.”
The nurse, who had been waiting patiently, cleared her throat.
Katherine and Alex exchanged smiles, and he winked. “Uh-oh, we’re in trouble.”
“See? I told you that you were trouble,” she said.
“Only the best kind,” he said, reminding her.
She bent over and kissed him one last time, making his heart monitor blip. “Go back to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He lay back down with a ghost of a smile on his lips.
***
“Here are the clothes you asked for.” Betty handed Katherine a duffle bag.
“Thanks, Betty.” She took the bag and went into the bathroom to get dressed.
The pants were snug but she was able to hide the opened top button with her long FBI academy sweatshirt. Through the bathroom door she heard Betty humming to herself.
“When is the surgery?” Betty asked.
Katherine opened the door and stepped out. “In an hour.”
The nurse came in with the discharge paperwork and a wheelchair to take her to the cardiac wing.
Once she had finished up the paperwork, she and Betty went straight to Alex’s room.
He was sitting up in bed fidgeting as usual. The news was on.
“Later this month, Katherine Mitchel and her ex-husband, Charles MacAvoy, will take the stand. It is currently unknown what kind of deal he struck with the prosecution. A representative with the Attorney General’s Office stated earlier today that he is being held under house arrest in an undisclosed safe house. We also received word that the prosecution has a surprise witness scheduled for the end of January. Back to you, Tom.”
When Alex saw Katherine and Betty, he shut off the TV and smiled at her. “Did I have a really awesome dream last night or did you really sneak down here?”
Katherine sat down on the edge of the bed and kissed him.
He slipped his hand underneath her shirt and cupped her belly, and when she pulled away, his green eyes twinkled.
A nurse cleared her throat as she entered the room. “We’re gonna take you a little early, Mr. Estrella. The OR time got bumped in your favor. The sooner we get you in, the sooner you can get back to kissing that wife of yours.” She winked and gave him a shot through his IV port. “This will make you feel all kinds of good.”
Alex laughed and squeezed Katherine’s hand. “Nothing can make me feel as good as my wife does.”
“Ooh... listen to you. Hang on to this one, honey.” The nurse tapped Katherine’s shoulder.
“I’m trying to.”
“All right, shug, I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.”
Alex smiled up at Katherine and kissed her hand. He didn’t seem to have heard a word the nurse said. “Just lie here with me until they come back, okay?”
Betty walked over and kissed Alex on the cheek. “I’m going to go raid the snack machines. I’ll be in the waiting room, Kat, honey.”
“Alone at last,” she whispered.
Alex’s hands slipped underneath her shirt and his mouth sought hers out. “God, you feel good.”
She broke their kiss and met his eyes, which were looking sleepy. “Close your eyes.”
He nestled back down onto the bed and closed his eyes, and she ran her fingers through his thick wavy hair, making him sigh. “I love you,” he said.
When the nurse and orderly walked in a few minutes later to get him, he had already fallen asleep. She kissed him one last time and got up from the bed.
***
The small waiting room made her feel claustrophobic. Much to her credit, Betty tried everything to distract her, but Katherine only half listened as her new friend planned out a baby shower.
Minutes turned into hours, and the conversation lulled.
Katherine dozed off in the reclining chairs. She awoke at one point to Betty knitting booties for the baby.
Four hours into the surgery, she awoke again when Betty asked the nurses’ station for an update. No new information.
Two hours later, the double doors opened and Alex’s doctor stepped out into the waiting room.
Katherine stood up with her hand on her belly. When she saw the look on his face, her breath caught in her throat.
“Mrs. Estrella, I’m sorry. We did everything we could. His heart just wasn’t strong enough.”
Her knees gave out, but Betty was there to catch her and hold her up. Katherine felt numb. She had no tears left to cry. All she could think about was that last kiss and ‘I love you.’
***
Holy Cross Hospital, Psychiatric Ward
Just outside Richmond, Virginia
January 6, 2009
Noon
~~~
Doc sat at the window in the recreation room, looking out at the grounds through the mesh metal grating that covered the window. It was one of those rare, quiet afternoons in the hospital psych ward. One of the orderlies was going around delivering mail, and she was surprised when he handed her an envelope covered in a familiar small print scrawl.
Alex wrote me a letter?
She wanted to toss it aside, like she had all the other ploys by family and friends to be let in, but this was Alex. Somehow that made it all different.
She took the letter, sat in the chair by the window, and carefully opened the envelope.
~~~
Dear Doc,
I was thinking about that ugly box you had in Iraq, the one with the peeling yellow flowers, the one you kept all your letters from home in. You were always a sucker for handwritten notes, so I thought I might reach you through this letter. I need your help.
I need to tell you about my best friend, Elliana. She tried to take her own life, and when she failed in her attempt, she wrote me and everyone else who loved her out of her life. I’m so angry with her, Doc.
I’m not angry at her for that, though, because I know what it feels like when that seems like the only way out. I’m angry for what she did afterwards. She didn’t trust me to be the kind of friend she had always been to me.
Did you hear that I was shot? Yes, again! This time it nicked my heart. I’ve had several procedures but my heart doesn’t seem to be up for the fight. I want to live, Doc. I want to make things right with Elliana b
efore it’s too late.
What do I do, Doc? How do I reach her? How do I let her know how much I love her and miss her? How do I tell her that I want her to know my wife, and to be a part of this new life with me? I know that maybe this is selfish, but I don’t want her to miss another moment.
And I don’t want to miss another moment of her life. I want to show her that I can be the rock she has always been to me.
But I worry that I may not have all the time I need for that.
Call me, if you can. Let me know what you think. Or you can call to yell at me. Just call me, please.
Love always,
Alex
~~~
Doc wiped away the tears that had begun to fall down her cheeks. With great care, she folded the letter back up, opened her closet, pulled out the battered flower box, and put the letter inside.
She took a deep breath and walked back into the commons area to the payphone. Only a place like this would have a payphone.
The quarters slid inside the slot with a clink, and a dial tone rang in her ear while she dialed a number that she would know by heart for the rest of her life. Her heart raced as she listened to each ring, and it sank as the call went to voicemail. She left him a message, a long one that would fill up his mailbox memory space.
His letter had made her think that maybe it was time she checked herself out. She made a plan to talk to her therapist about it on Monday, and to tell Christopher when he came on Tuesday.
Alex’s letter had changed something inside of her. Suddenly a switch had been flipped and she began to see the shards of hope shining through the cracks—the few spots where she wasn’t quite broken. She remembered what he said when he had tried to take his life, so long ago, and she took comfort in those words now.
***
After talking it over with her therapist, she realized that she needed to leave Christopher if she wanted to get better. Being around him was too hard for her. As part of her discharge, she agreed to a strict outpatient treatment plan that included medication, extensive individual therapy, and support groups.
That Tuesday afternoon, she waited for Christopher’s visit with anticipation, excited to tell him that she was ready to leave the hospital. But the moment he walked into the common room, she knew... and the excitement fell away.