by Dara Nelson
He nodded his head, “Memories of loved ones are very powerful, maybe I felt that when I coupled with you.”
“Yes, they are,” I said.
The limo slowed and pulled in to the courtyard. Bahiti was waiting for us. She pulled the back door open. “Welcome home.”
“Thanks, Bahiti. It’s nice to be home.”
“For a while,” Carlos grumbled under his breath.
I turned and looked at him, “For a while, then I’ll be gone for a bit and then I’ll be back.”
Carlos grimaced a bit, then looked at me and nodded. I gently kissed his cheek as we all walked inside.
“You guys probably have things to check on at work, right? It’s been a while since you’ve been here,” I said.
They both stared at me like I was the stupidest person on the face of the planet. “What?” I said.
“You don’t really think we’re worried about work right now, do you? We’ve got good people running things here. Derek and Taylor are fine. The place is running fine. Besides, you’re safety is our only concern now, Sarah. It’s the only thing we’re capable of focusing on,” Matt said, with Carlos nodding next to him.
“But I need to begin studying with Bahiti, now. I need to learn my hieroglyphics. You don’t want to do that do you? Wouldn’t it be boring for you guys?”
“Boring, maybe. But it might help us to help you. And that makes it important.”
“Okay. Suit yourselves. Truthfully? It’ll make it less boring for me if you’re there. So, thank you, guys.”
I looped my arms through theirs and we headed down the hall to Bahiti’s office.
“Welcome,” she said, “Please, come in. Have a seat. I’m afraid I don’t have enough books for everyone to have one.”
“That’s okay. We can share,” Matt said as he leaned closer to me.
“Matthew. You can stay as long as you don’t distract Sarah. This is extremely important. This could mean life or death for her. She has to concentrate,” Bahiti scolded.
She began the first of many lessons. Long days that stretched into even longer nights. I spent every waking moment with her learning Egyptian hieroglyphics or with Aquila learning Latin. Nothing could have stopped her from teaching, and nothing could have stopped me from learning, except for Matt. He quietly knocked on the door and poked his head in one day. “May I come in?” He had been so kind and patient these last few weeks, and I had been so distracted, that I had completely forgotten his job and the unpleasant task he had been dealing with. “Honey? I’m so sorry to interrupt, but I’ve tried everything. I’m out of ideas. I can’t get through to her. I could really use your help, Sarah.”
I stared at him for a moment, trying for the life of me to figure out what the hell he was talking about, “Get through to her?” I said then I gasped and jumped out of my chair, “Oh my God, Maria! I completely forgot she was here! Of course, sweetheart. What can I do to help?”
“I think, I think she needs to see you. She needs to confront you to get this anger out of her system. Then she needs to see you and Carlos together, see how happy you two are. See how happy the three of us are.”
I instinctively swallowed hard then slowly nodded my head. My hand was shaking as I reached for his. He comforted me as best as he could as we walked down the hall. As we rounded the corner, Carlos came out of the interrogation room rubbing his jaw. “She packs a mean right hook,” he said when he saw us. “No luck, man. I’m sorry. I tried, but all she wants to do is tear me apart.”
I stopped about two feet in front of the door. Matt turned around and looked at me, “Sarah?”
I was just staring at the door, I couldn’t tear my eyes from it. My heart was racing. I was scared shitless. Carlos placed his hand on my cheek and gently turned my head, forcing my eyes from the door to his face, “Sarah? You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to go in there.”
“Yes I do, Carlos. This was my fault, and I have to try to fix it. It’s just, it’s just that I don’t know if I can this time, and that scares the hell out of me.”
I took a deep breath and took the last step to the door. My hand rested on the doorknob, but I couldn’t make it turn it. I lowered my head and squeezed my eyes shut. “I have to do this,” I whispered to myself.
“Sarah,” Matt began, but I held my hand up.
“No. It’s okay guys. I’ll be fine.”
“Do you want us to come in with you?” Carlos said.
“Not yet. I’ll let you know when it’s time for you to come in.”
I forced my hand to squeeze the doorknob and turn it. I tried not to react when I saw her, but I’m sure there was some semblance of shock on my face. I couldn’t help it. This was not the Maria I knew. Her stringy, unwashed hair hung in her face. Her black eyes glared at me. The stench from her unwashed body penetrated my nostrils.
“Hello, Maria,” I whispered as I tried desperately to not gag.
“Sarah,” she hissed, exaggerating the ‘S’ “How’re you and Matthew?” she growled, grinning a horribly evil grin. Her surprised look told me that she didn’t expect the answer I gave her:
“We’re doing better than ever. Thank you for asking.”
“What? You mean, he doesn’t know?” She screamed then she jumped up from her chair and ran to the glass. She banged on the one-way glass a few times, “He’s in there, right? He’s listening?” She said as she turned and looked at me. Her evil grin returned when I nodded. She turned back to the glass, “She’s fucking Carlos, you know. She’s a lying, cheating bitch and you should have thrown her out a long time ago.”
The doorknob turned, and I heard Maria gasp as Carlos stepped into the room. He didn’t see her though, because his eyes were locked only on mine as he whispered, “Please don’t speak to my wife like that, Maria.”
“Your, your w, w, wife? You mean, you and Matt got a divorce?”
Matt’s voice crumbled her world as he too stepped into the room and came to my other side, “Absolutely not. I love my wife more and more every day.”
Their hands were clasped tightly in mine as we waited. Her reaction began to play out in slow motion, first on her face, as the anger flowed out and was replaced with total devastation. She wobbled slightly, then collapsed onto the floor as she began wailing, “Noooooooooo!!”
Suddenly she began clawing at her face. I ran to her and grabbed her hands, “Maria, don’t. I’m so sorry we hurt you. We really didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“You’re lying,” she hissed at me.
“No, I’m not. Look, I’m a young vampire. I’m still human in so many ways. Do you really think that I could have ever believed that being married to two men could work? Really? Why would I? What basis do I have for comparison? Nothing. It’s just not done. But, for me, for us, somehow it does work. I’m still not exactly sure how, but it does. We’re happy. We’re at peace. It truly feels that this is somehow our destiny. Like this happened for a reason. What that reason is, I’m not exactly sure yet, but I’ll know it when I see it. I’m sure of that.”
She raised her eyes and looked at Carlos, “Did you ever love me?” she whispered.
He knelt down and took her hand in his, “Of course I did, Maria. It’s just that this connection I have with Sarah, this connection I’ve felt since the first time I saw her, it became too much to ignore any longer. You helped me avoid it for a while, and you helped me learn to love someone besides myself, but then this thing with Sarah became too powerful. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. But that didn’t have anything to do with something you did or didn’t do. Like she said, it was our destiny. And don’t let her sell herself short, she’s the one who makes this work. Every day she helps me to know, without a doubt, that I’m in the right place, that I’m with who I’m supposed to be with, and that I’m loved.”
She looked back at me, “Do you know how many women he’s been with? How can you possibly trust him?”
I smiled at her, “Of course I know. And I only need to
trust that he loves me, and he does wholeheartedly. The rest is up to him.”
Suddenly, Maria’s face looked terrified, “Oh my God, what have I done? I told a reporter about you. About us. About what we are. About this place. What am I going to do? How can I possibly fix this? Where am I going to go?” she gasped.
“We will help you fix this, Maria. And you can go wherever you want to go. You can even stay here, if you’d like to.”
“You, you’d let me stay here? After everything I’ve done? You’d do that?”
“Of course I would. I’d like you to stay here. You can have your old job back in the clinic. We can use the help there, since I’ll be gone for a while,” I said.
“Where are you going?” she whispered.
I smiled and patted the back of her hand, “That’s for another time. First, how about we get you a room, some new clothes and a shower?” Does that sound good?”
She slowly nodded. I took her hand, helped her up and we slowly headed down the hall.
. Maria recovered in her room and, she helped right the wrong she had done with the reporter, finally convincing her that she was mentally unstable and that was why she thought she was a vampire and that she was getting help at the mental treatment facility that she was living in (our home), and she began working at the clinic again as I returned to my studies. Day and night, night and day, I studied. I buried myself in it, because it was easier to keep my fear and anxiety at bay if I did. At least for a while….
Chapter Nine
I quietly slipped out the back door, jumped up and over the wall and headed up the mountain. I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going or why, but I had to get out of there. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t handle the looks of sympathy, the pain in their eyes. It wasn’t their fault, this was me. This is how I deal with trauma in my life. I shut down. I stop talking. I pull away. It’s what I’ve always done. I can handle trauma in other people’s lives. That’s when I shine. When they need help, I’m at my best. When I need help, I’m at my worst. I can’t handle others feeling like they need to help me. It just doesn’t feel right to me. I’m supposed to help others, not the other way around. It feels wrong and unnatural to me. And so I shut down. I bottle it up inside. And I avoid those in my life who know my troubles and who might try to help me. I can’t help it. That’s how I’m wired. That’s who I am. So I walked up the hill and it didn’t take me long before I knew where I was headed. Waterfalls have always brought me comfort and joy. When I got to my destination, I sat at the edge of the pool, dangled my feet in the hot springs, closed my eyes and listened to the roar of the waterfall as I tried to think. Carlos was right. I knew he was, but that didn’t make this any easier. We had to leave for Egypt in three days, and he said the smart thing to do was to go hunting until we left. Get me completely sated, over-full even, before I was locked in that damn tomb, because who knows how long I would be locked in there and the more blood that I had in me, the better chance that I had to survive.
‘Sarah?’ Carlos’ voice broke my concentration. I kept my eyes squeezed shut because I didn’t want him to see where I was. I wasn’t ready for that yet, not by a long shot. ‘I went for a walk, hun. I’ll be back in a few minutes,’ I thought as calmly as I possibly could. In my heart I was thinking: please don’t find me yet. I’m not ready for that. I’ll break. I’ll crumble. I’ll fall apart. I can’t do that. I have to be strong for you, for both of you. There was silence for a few seconds, during which I assumed Carlos was talking to Matt. I was right. Matt popped into my head a few seconds later, ‘Sarah, honey. Please tell us where you are.’
He was trying so hard, but I could sense the panic that he was trying to hold back. Shit. But I need more time, guys. I’m not ready. I’m so not ready to see you yet. I took a few deeps breaths to try to calm myself. ‘I’m at the hot springs, by the waterfall.’
I heard the crunching of the leaves behind me a moment later. I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath, muttering, “I’m not ready, please, I’m not ready,” over and over.
They came and quietly sat next to me, Matt on my left side, Carlos on my right.
“Sarah,” Matt began.
“Don’t,” I whispered immediately, I had to stop him.
“Don’t? Don’t what? Don’t speak?”
I nodded my head, “Yes.”
“Sarah, what’s going on? This isn’t like you. Why don’t you want me to talk?”
“Because, if you talk then you’ll want me to talk, and I can’t do that, not right now. I just can’t.”
“Honey,” Carlos began, “this isn’t you. Communicating is something you do better than anyone I’ve ever known. Why can’t you talk right now?”
I could feel the dam in my chest beginning to crack and crumble. I started shaking my head, I tried to will that dam to repair itself, but when the first sob escaped my lips, I knew I was fighting a lost cause. “Because, because, because I can’t handle not being the strong one. I can’t handle not being the one who has to fix things. I can’t handle being the one who needs help. I can’t handle feeling vulnerable. But I can’t be strong anymore. I’m exhausted. I’m scared shitless right now and I don’t want you guys to see that. I don’t want you to feel like you have to make me feel better. I have to make you feel better. That’s who I am. That’s how I survive. I try to fix everyone around me. But when I need fixing? When I need help? I can’t handle it. So, I shut down. I internalize everything. I pull away from loved ones. Because I don’t want them to feel pressured. I don’t want them to feel like they have to help me. I just can’t handle it. I can’t be a burden on you. I just can’t.”
Carlos glared at me for a few seconds, “Are you fucking serious?” he snapped.
“Carlos,” Matt said.
“No, Matt. She’s being ridiculous and she needs to know that. God, Sarah. Give us a little more credit than that. Ever since you came into our lives, you’ve been helping us. Fixing us, fixing every fucking person around you. You have more than earned the right to fucking chill out and let someone help you for a change. It would be so fucking awesome to feel needed by you. For us to feel that you needed our help for a change? That would be fan-fucking-tastic. It’s about damn time too. You’re scared? You have the right to be scared. We’re scared too, but we’re not going to be locked in that tomb with that damn woman, that thing. We’re not facing death here. So we can deal with our fears. Our fears are much easier to face if we can help you with yours. So, fall apart. Let it go. Don’t hold it in any more. Don’t be brave. Don’t act strong. Let us feel like we’re doing something to help for fuck’s sake. God, that would be so much better for us.”
My mouth hung open as I stared at him. Could I do that? Could I let someone help me for a change? Did I know how? I looked to Matt, back to Carlos, then back to Matt again, “I’m not sure I know how.” I whispered.
Matt beamed his awesome smile at me, and that’s when I felt the damn shatter completely. He held his arms open and I began sobbing as my head lay down in his lap. “That’s a great start, honey,” Matt whispered into my ear, “Let it out. Let it all out. Show your fear. It’s okay to let us know you’re afraid.”
“But, but, but I have to be brave for you. You’re going to be all alone when I’m in there. I need to help you prepare for that.”
“No, you don’t, Sarah. Matt and I will have each other to rely on when you’re in there. We will be fine. You don’t have to do shit right now, except let us take care of you. That will make us stronger. It will help us deal with it better when you’re gone if we knew we were able to take care of you and make you feel better before you went in there. It’s the best thing you could do for us,” Carlos said as he stroked my arm.
“Me falling apart is the best thing I can do for you?” I gasped between sobs.
“Absolutely,” Matt said.
“O, o, okay,” I managed to choke out before the sobs overwhelmed me.
I stayed like that for at least an hour, with t
he two of them comforting me the entire time. They soothed me, they consoled me, they loved me.
As the last remaining hiccups slowly eked their way out of me, I knew I had to ask for help on something else. But this was something that I was worried might cause a fight or some issues with them. This one I was nervous about. But I had to do it.
“I need your help with something else too, guys.”
“Anything, Sarah,” Carlos said.
I sat up and clasped their hands in mine. “Promise me you won’t get mad?”
“Mad? Why on earth would we get mad at something that you needed our help with?” Matt said.
“Just promise me, okay?”
“Okay, Sarah. We promise.” They said.
“I’ve been thinking about what Carlos said, about me needing to be at full strength when we get there. I think he’s right. I think we should go hunting. But I need you to do something for me first before we go. I’m hoping that it will make hunting less traumatic and less embarrassing for me.”
“Anything,” Matt said, but I heard Carlos chuckle quietly. He knew. Of course he would already know.
“Sex,” I said.
“Sex?” Matt whispered. “You mean here? Right now?”
“I mean for the next twenty-four hours, nothing but sex, twenty-four hours of sex. I’m hoping that by doing that, I won’t have any ‘episodes’ when we’re hunting.”
“Oh, ummm, okay.” Matt whispered.
I started shaking my head, “Shit. This is too weird. I’m such a freak. Never mind. Please forget that I asked.” I said, trying to back-peddle. But Carlos calmed me instantly. He saw my panic and knew what he had to do. He had to take control here. He stood up, pulled me to my feet and pulled me into his arms, giving me an amazingly passionate kiss. When he finally pulled back, he whispered into my ear, “I’ll be waiting for you in our room, naked and ready to go,” then he turned and flew down the mountain toward home. I stared after him for a few seconds, wanting to go after him, afraid to see the look on Matt’s face, ashamed that I had even asked in the first place, but a small splash behind me startled me enough to turn around. Matt had shed his clothes and was waiting for me in the hot springs, with his arms stretched out, and nothing but a smile and a look of complete love on his face. “I’m so sorry I had to ask for this,” I said as I stepped out of my clothes and stepped into his soothing embrace. He tilted my chin and forced me to look into his eyes, “Sarah Pearl Delgado, don’t ever apologize for who you are. You have nothing to apologize for, nothing at all.”