“Look, I realize what I did was wrong—”
“Wrong? After years of working here, you quit out of nowhere! No two weeks’ notice, no warning, no phone call. You dumped the Globe through text message. I think you owe us both an apology.” She gestured to the coffee shop around them.
Josh had come in at four o’clock on a Sunday for a reason. He knew it was their least-busy time, and he didn’t want an audience for this conversation. “Sana, I—”
“That wasn’t wrong. That was selfish, and immature, and irresponsible, and—”
“Okay!” Josh threw his hands up in a defensive gesture. “I get it. I’m the scum of the Earth. I should be tarred and feathered and made to walk through the streets while a weird nun rings a bell and shouts ‘Shame!’ behind me. I’m sorry.”
Sana leveled him with a look that could boil water.
“I mean it! From the bottom of my heart, I apologize.” He exhaled, looking down at his shoes. “I made a mistake. A big one. I hope you can forgive me.” He peeked up.
Sana was studying him with her impenetrable brown eyes. After a moment, she pursed her lips and made a rude noise. “You know, if you’d asked for your job back before you’d asked for forgiveness, I would have kicked you out.”
“How do you know I want my job back? Maybe I’m just doing the right thing.”
“Oh puh-lease. You think I’m buying this whole contrite act?” She swished a hand at him. “I’ve known you for years. You may be a loudmouth, but you avoid confrontation whenever possible. You would never have come all the way down here if you didn’t need something.”
Josh pouted. “That was harsh. I’m wounded.”
“Allow me to make it up to you.” She hopped off the counter, walked around it, and riffled through a bottom cabinet. After a moment, she extracted one of the Globe’s blue aprons and tossed it to him. “You can start tomorrow. As far as I’m concerned, you’re a brand-new employee, so you have no seniority and no rank. Oh, and you’re working a double shift.”
Josh groaned, but at her sharp look, he swallowed it. “You may not believe me, Sana, but . . . thank you.” He was about to head for the exit when Sana called after him.
“Hey.”
He looked over his shoulder. “What?”
“Why’d you do it? Quit.” She was leaning on the counter, head tilted to the side like a curious cat. “I came up with a handful of theories, but none of them seemed quite right.”
Josh chewed on his bottom lip. “I can’t talk about it here.”
In lieu of a response, Sana took a long, pointed survey of the empty room.
“Yeah, I know, but someone could walk in.”
“Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to tell me?”
Josh hesitated. Was he that transparent? It was nothing against Sana. He’d spent enough time rehashing what’d happened without doing it in front of someone else, and to be honest, as cool and fair as Sana was, she wasn’t his friend. They had a working relationship, on a good day.
She saw his hesitation and fixed him with a meaningful look. “Dude, there’s something up with you. I can feel it. If nothing else, I need to know you didn’t get mixed up in anything bad before I invite you back to work here.”
Josh sighed. He supposed he owed her that much for giving him his job back. Plus, when their former coworker had come out as a porn star, Sana had been vocal in her support. Out of everyone he could talk to about this, she was his best bet.
“Fine.” He walked back over and set the apron she’d given him down on the counter. “It’s kind of a long story.”
Sana rested her elbows on the counter and cupped her chin. “Spill.”
It was like letting the air out of a tire. The story flowed out of him in a continuous stream. He told her everything, from the moment he’d started researching local porn companies to filming his debut. He spared no detail. Hell, he probably told her things she didn’t want to know, like how hot he was for Mike and how disappointed he’d been by their lackluster sexual encounter.
If she were in any way disturbed, however, she didn’t let it show. She listened without interruption until he was finished. After, he was shocked by how empty he felt, but in a good way. It was like the past few weeks had been building up in his chest, fighting to get out, and now the pressure had been released.
He ended his confession with, “I haven’t heard from Mike since. I don’t have his number, so I can’t call him. I also haven’t heard from Colette, but that’s kind of a relief.” He inhaled and exhaled. “If that’s what porn is like with someone I’m attracted to, I can’t imagine what it’d be like with someone I’m not. I don’t think I can do it again.”
Sana nodded. “So, you’re going to be a—what was the term you used? A ‘shooting star’?”
“Yeah, I guess. Porn is nothing like what I thought it would be.”
“Did you get paid for the one movie you made?”
“Yeah. A fuck-ton. I mean—” He whistled. “Really, a lot of money. But even that didn’t make me want to go back. So, here I am.”
“Well, I don’t think I need to tell you how thoughtless it was of you to quit your day job before you had a solid backup plan.” She shrugged. “But if it helps, you still have a place here.”
“Thanks.” He looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry for what I did. I don’t always make the best choices.”
“Yeah, that’s for damn sure.” Sana leaned a hip against the counter. “So, what are you going to tell Colette?”
“I dunno. Nothing?”
The glare she leveled him with was nuclear. “Joshua Maurice Clemmons—”
“Er, my middle name is Allen.”
“—if you think you can up and quit on another boss without a word, there will be hell to pay. Either you give her proper notice, or so help me, I will fire you.”
“But porn isn’t like other jobs. It’s not on a regular schedule. You either get booked or you don’t. It’s not like I can give two weeks’ notice. Besides, Colette hasn’t called me. I kinda got the impression she was as disinterested in me as I was in filming again.”
“I don’t care. You go down there if you have to and tell her upfront that you’ve decided not to continue.”
“It sounds easy when you say it, but you haven’t met Colette. She’s scary beyond all reason.”
Sana pinched the bridge of her nose. “Buddy. Pal. My guy. Get your head out of your ass and learn to own up to your decisions. There’s no shame in telling her it’s not a good fit. As a fellow boss, I promise you she’d rather you didn’t waste her time.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I mean, what’s she gonna do? Fire me? I’ll go down there later today.” Josh’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He’d barely glanced at the screen before he gasped.
“What is it?”
“I don’t recognize this number.” What if it’s Mike? Josh’s heart thudded against his ribs.
Sana glared at him. “Oh wow, let me call the press!”
“It could be Mike, though.”
“Not to be a pessimist or anything, but that’s a bit of a reach. It’s probably someone calling to say you won a free cruise that you never signed up for.”
“Well, I won’t know unless I—”
It went to voice mail.
Josh cursed. “I waited too long.”
“So, call it back.”
“Yeah.” His finger hovered over the Call button. “Should I? What if it actually is him? Do I want to talk to him?”
“Buddy.” Exasperation radiated from Sana in waves. “I dunno if you can hear yourself when you talk about him, but it’s clear you like this guy. After a week of you pining and waiting for his call, you might have gotten your wish. Of course you should call him back.”
“But he told me our relationship can’t be anything more than professional, and I decided to quit. That means we’re not coworkers anymore.” Josh bit his lip. “He might reject me again.”
“Like
you tried to say before, you won’t know unless you try. Find out if it’s even him. You might be freaking out over nothing.”
He nodded and hit the Call button. It only rang once before a deep voice answered. “Hey, is this Josh?”
That’s Mike all right.
Josh’s eyes darted over to Sana. She mouthed a question to him, and he nodded his head.
“Hello?” Mike sounded impatient. “Are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here.” Josh cleared his throat. “Sorry about that. I’m, uh, at work.”
“You’re at Murmur Inc.? Can we meet up?”
He wants to see me. Josh’s heart swelled like a hot-air balloon. “No, sorry. I’m at my other job.”
“I thought you quit.”
“I . . . changed my mind.”
“Ah, okay. I guess we’ll have to do this over the phone, then.”
Josh blinked. “Do what? Actually, hold on a sec.” Sana was waving at him. He pulled the phone from his ear. “What?”
“A customer walked in.” She pointed at the door, where two women had in fact entered. “You’re gonna have to talk somewhere else. But come back when you’re done. I want to know everything.”
“Fine.” Josh stuck his tongue out at her as he walked out the side door and into the balmy heat of a late Los Angeles afternoon. “Sorry again, Mike. I’m here now.”
There was a pause. “Are you somewhere we can talk? You said you’re at work, and I dunno if that will, uh, work.”
Huh. Mike seemed flustered. That was a first. “Why, Mikey, I’ve never heard you sound so rattled.”
Mike scoffed. “We talked about this, Joshie. Remember?”
“Fair enough. Yeah, I’m somewhere we can talk.” The side door let out onto a little street off the main intersection. Josh leaned against the red brick, which was so sunbaked he heard his skin sizzle. He yelped and shoved away from it. “What’s up? You miss me already?”
There was another pause. “Yeah, actually. If I’m being honest.”
Josh was speechless. He’d meant that as a joke. He scrambled for something to say and came up empty.
Mike continued before he could recover. “That’s not why I’m calling, though. I have some bad news. Colette was going to alert you, but I wanted to deliver it myself.”
That didn’t sound good. Josh’s heart broke into a gallop. “What is it?”
“One of the perils of the sex industry, I’m afraid.” There was a static sound, like maybe Mike had exhaled against his speaker. “What I’m about to say isn’t easy. Please let me finish before you react, okay?”
“Mike, you’re starting to freak me out. What is it?”
Another puff of air. “You know I’m a crossover, right? I perform with both men and women? And straight porn seldom involves condoms?”
“I guess.” Josh brushed a bead of sweat off his brow. “I mean, I think I remember all that from orientation. Why?”
“A porn star announced she’s HIV positive, and through six degrees of separation, I might be as well. Which means you need to get tested.”
Mike kept talking, but Josh couldn’t hear him. His ears filled with ringing, as if he’d walked from a loud room into a silent one. The sweat forming on his brow chilled despite the heat, and what felt like a year passed between his heartbeats.
“Josh. Josh? Are you still there?”
His mouth formed an affirmation, but no sound came out. He had to take several breaths before he could croak, “Yeah. I’m here.”
“Like I said, try not to freak out. Your chances of having it are infinitesimal. They’re even lower than mine, and mine are miniscule. I think if I for sure had it, you’d still only have a one to two percent chance, and I could very well be negative. And if you do have it, you’re gonna be fine. I promise. Okay?”
Josh couldn’t think of words. He made some sort of grunting sound, and then his lungs failed him. It seemed that was enough to satisfy Mike, because he kept talking in the manner of a babbling brook. Words and words and words, all jumbling around in Josh’s brain. Mike explained that he needed to get tested in two weeks, and then again in three months, but all Josh could think was, Someone has to be in that one to two percent. Someone has to be the one who gets fucked by probability. How do the people who work in this industry live with this kind of stress?
He hadn’t made it through a single film without running into a cornucopia of trouble. How did sex workers do this for years, like Mike had? Josh was starting to understand why the average shelf life of a porn star was three months. Or why some became shooting stars.
He checked back into the conversation in time for Mike to say, “I’m sorry to say you won’t be able to work for two weeks. Colette won’t risk booking you until she knows your status one way or another. Go down to Murmur Inc. as soon as you can and discuss your options with her.”
“Oh no.” Josh’s tone was deadpan. “I can’t film again for two weeks? Tragic.”
“Is that sarcasm? I was expecting you to be devastated. You seemed so determined to make it in this biz.”
“Yeah, well, I dunno if porn is for me after all. Like I told you before, I had no idea how complicated it was, and that was before all the politics.”
Mike was silent for a moment. “I’m both relieved and disappointed.”
“Disappointed in me?”
“No, not at all. I had a feeling from the start that porn wasn’t gonna be good for you. I’m glad you figured it out before you’d gotten in too deep. Though I’m sure this STI scare is plenty deep for you.”
“I’m legitimately trying not to think about it.” He hesitated. “Why are you disappointed?”
Another long silence. “Because this means I won’t get another chance with you.”
For the second time in ten minutes, Josh’s heart skipped a beat. “You want to film with me again? I thought I was a bratty newbie.”
“Oh, you are. Make no mistake. But . . .” More static. “I feel terrible about the way your first time went down.”
Josh shrugged to himself. “You weren’t the one who ordered us to have sex, or who called cut before I got to come. That was Colette.”
“Yeah, but I shouldn’t have brushed you off afterwards. Part of the reason I called was so I could apologize for the way I treated you. I’m sorry. I was a complete jerk.”
Josh sucked in a breath. “Yeah, you were.”
Mike laughed. “Way to sugarcoat it.”
“Well, it’s the truth.”
“Why don’t you let me make it up to you?”
Josh bit his lip. “I won’t lie, I have no desire to film with you again. The whole performing-in-front-of-people thing isn’t my kink.”
“I wasn’t talking about filming again. I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”
“Then what did you have in mind?”
“I was thinking we could hang out some time. Like you wanted.”
“As coworkers?”
“As friends.”
Another bead of sweat rolled down Josh’s face. He needed to get out of the heat soon. “I didn’t think you wanted to be friends.”
“I was wrong.” Mike laughed, breathy and low. “Though, I must admit, the idea of being just friends with you isn’t all that appealing.”
Josh’s breath caught in his throat.
Before he could recover, Mike continued. “If nothing else, then in two weeks, when we get our good news, we should go out and celebrate. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. My treat.”
Josh started to say yes, but then a thought occurred to him. He might be asking me out because he feels bad. I don’t want to go on a pity date. Plus, he blew me off before. I bet he thinks I’ll jump at the chance to go out with him. Maybe I should let him sweat a little.
“I’ll think about it.” And with that, Josh hung up the phone. He could imagine the stunned silence that must be radiating from Mike. Maybe he was staring at his phone, slack-jawed with disbelief. Serves him right.
Josh
headed back inside, breathing a sigh of relief when the air-conditioning hit him like an ice bath. He found Sana more or less where he’d left her, but now there was a customer at the counter. He waited, jiggling with impatience, while the man ordered a nonfat soy milk latte. By the time Sana made it and sent the customer on his way, Josh was ready to burst.
“All right—” she waved him up to the counter “—tell me what happened. Can I expect a Save the Date in the mail?”
“Not anytime soon, no.”
For the second time that day, Josh poured his soul out to Sana.
When he was finished, she walked around the counter and threw her arms around him. Josh was almost too stunned to hug her back. Sana wasn’t an affectionate boss. Her reaction made it harder for him to pretend like everything was okay.
After a moment, she pulled back. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, Joshua. I know I said you’re working a double tomorrow, but if you need to take some time off, I understand.”
He shrugged. “What good will that do? I’ll still have two long weeks ahead of me before I can get tested. After that, I’ll have to go back again in three months. Working will keep my mind off things.”
“Any way I can convince you to take some time off?”
“Thank you, but no. And thanks again for giving me my job back. And for all your support.” God, he could only imagine how long the next fourteen days were going to be.
She patted him on the shoulder. “Get out of here. Go take a walk or get some ice cream or something. Try not to stress.”
He shook his head. “I’m gonna go talk to Colette. Tell her I’m not coming back. I’m hoping she’ll go easy on me. Maybe she’ll have some advice.”
“Good idea. Oh, and Joshua?”
“Yeah?”
“You can call me if you need to.”
To Josh’s embarrassment, his eyes prickled with tears. He gave her an awkward, one-armed hug and then scurried out the front door as if he could outrace his feelings.
He made it all the way to the bus stop before a tear slid down his cheek. Thank God there was no one around. He wiped it away with his T-shirt and took a deep breath. Over and over again in his head he repeated, It’s gonna be okay. He kept it up all the way to his stop and through the ten-minute walk to Murmur Inc. He didn’t stop until he’d climbed up the stairs to the third floor, where he hoped he’d find Colette.
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