But that was a question for another day. Right now, he had two loving, pushy friends to assuage.
Josh cleared his throat. “Mike and I are not as serious as you guys think. There’s a lot we have to learn about each other. Don’t go buying us monogrammed towels until I know who he voted for and how he likes his eggs.”
Monica and Darius stared at him.
Josh looked between them. “What?”
“That was so . . . adult,” Darius said.
“Yeah,” Monica said. “Like, super mature and level-headed. You didn’t make a single dick joke. You’ve changed.”
Josh couldn’t deny that. He’d noticed how much everything he’d been through in the past month had impacted him. And he’d been through a lot. Quitting his job only to have to go crawling back. Trying porn and hating it. Running a webcam channel and discovering he enjoyed it. The STI scare. And yes, being with Mike.
He hoped it wasn’t all going to culminate in him getting his heart broken.
“I know you told me not to, but I think I am gonna go home. I’m beat.”
To his surprise, Monica gave up without a fight. “Okay, papi. Be safe. Tell your boyfriend we say hi.”
He didn’t have the energy to correct her. She handed over his belongings, and he managed to tuck his wallet and phone into the waistband of his pants. His keys he would have to hold. He hugged them both goodbye and then found Chris at the bar. Chris had gotten a round of shots and was in no way interested in leaving, so Josh swung by where A.J. was dancing, instructed him not to leave without making sure the inebriated Chris got home safely, and called for an Uber.
His thoughts swirled as LA melted by his window. As muddled as he felt about some of the turns his life had taken, one thing was clear: Mike made him feel things he hadn’t known were possible.
When he got home, the first thing he did was shimmy out of his pants with the intention of burning them posthaste. But then he checked his phone. His heart leaped up into his throat. He had a text from Mike.
I had a great time, but clubbing isn’t my idea of a proper first date. Give me a chance to do it right? Have dinner with me?
Josh smiled so hard, his face hurt.
I’d love to.
After the night they’d had together, Mike had expected Josh to accept his dinner invitation. He had not, however, expected Josh to send him a flood of kissy-face emojis, along with some disturbingly suggestive fruit and vegetables. Mike was left staring at his phone, perplexed but also grinning.
The date was set for the day after their results would be in. They were going to have dinner, and—with any luck—celebrate their good news together.
Mike had already made an appointment to get tested. He couldn’t wait any longer. If he was negative, that would mean Josh must be too. If he wasn’t—
He stopped that thought short. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about what it would be like if he’d given Josh HIV. Or what it would mean for their relationship.
Josh hadn’t said anything to him about being nervous, but there was no way he wasn’t. If Mike could remove the burden he’d placed on him, he’d do it in a heartbeat. But for now, he was going to go forward with his plans. Woo Josh. Get to know him. And most importantly, tell him the truth.
Before they went on their real first date, Mike had to come clean about his secret identity.
And he knew exactly how he wanted to do it.
That was how he’d come to spend the entire morning trolling Murmur Inc.’s website, waiting for Josh’s channel to come online. He’d abused the refresh button on his keyboard to the point where it now made an ominous clicking sound every time he touched it. He had to have reloaded the list of gay channels a hundred times, with no sign of Bret Monty.
Morning rolled into afternoon. Mike had eaten two full meals sitting at his desk in his loft, his patience growing thinner than spun glass.
“I swear,” he muttered to himself as he hit F5 for the hundred-and-first time, “if his blond ass is hungover and still in bed, I’m gonna lecture him so hard.”
But then, Josh had another job, didn’t he? What if his boss had called him in on his day off? He wasn’t a full-time sex worker like Mike. Or at least, like Mike had been before he’d been benched.
It’d been so long since Mike had done anything else with his life, he sometimes forgot that other people had things like schedules and managers and hours of operation. What would Mike even put on a résumé at this point? He’d worked a glut of part-time jobs when he was in college, but that wouldn’t help him now.
Why was he fretting about this? He wasn’t going to quit porn anytime soon. No matter how much this break from it had made him look at his life. Or how tired he’d realized he was. Or how much he didn’t want to go back—
Uh-oh.
As if sensing his tumultuous thoughts, Josh’s channel appeared at the top of the Live Now list. Mike almost knocked his mouse across the room in his haste to click on it. When prompted, he typed in the pseudonym he’d created for Martin and drummed his fingers on his desk as he waited for the chat room to load. Knowing his luck, someone else would buy a private show with Josh before he ever got a chance.
But as it turned out, luck was on his side. The camera feed loaded, and there was Josh, with mussed hair and faint pillow marks on his cheek.
I fucking knew it.
Without pausing to say hi in the chat box, Mike bought a private show. A new screen popped up with a toggle at the bottom that would allow Mike to turn on his own camera and mic if he wanted to. He left those off as per usual. For now.
Josh appeared in the new window a moment later. He was smiling from ear to ear. “Hey, Martin! I was hoping I’d hear from you today.”
There was a part of Mike that resented how pleased Josh seemed to be to talk to Martin. He was seldom so cheerful with Mike. But, then, Mike was Martin, so in a sense . . .
He gave himself a little shake and typed, Hey, Bret. You look tired. Rough night?
“No, last night was great. It’s this morning that isn’t agreeing with me. I definitely stayed out too late, but it was worth it. I had a blast.”
That made Mike smile. Oh? Were you out partying?
“Nah, I think I had half a beer. It was more the company I was with that made it fun.” Josh looked off into empty space, and his smile warmed. Mike could almost see Josh replaying bits of their night together in his head. Mike’s pulse couldn’t decide if it wanted to race or skip.
He typed, Were you with that guy you told me about? The one you like?
“Yeah, and it was . . . amazing.” Josh blinked and refocused on the camera. “But you don’t want to hear about that.”
Mike had never typed so fast in his life. No, go on. I’m nosy.
Josh laughed. “Well, if you insist. It’s funny, I never would have pictured myself with someone like him, but he’s checking boxes I didn’t know I had. Funny, smart, sexy as hell. The whole package. And I dunno what it is, but I feel safe with him, you know? Like, I can tell that every time he does something, it’s to protect me. I know that sounds odd, but it’s true. I can’t imagine him ever doing something to hurt me.”
Well, fuck. Josh’s words, sweet as they were, reminded Mike what he was here to do. And how creepy it was that he was having a conversation with Josh about himself while pretending to be a client. Mentally, he added that to the list of things he needed to apologize for.
He took a breath and wrote, There’s something I need to tell you.
“Are you cheating on me with another cam star?” Josh winked.
No, it’s much worse than that, I’m afraid.
Josh sobered instantly. “Did I do something wrong? Is it because I was talking about other guys?”
No, it’s not you. You’ve been great. This is on me. I don’t really know how to tell you, so I’m going to show you. I’m going to turn on my webcam.
Josh’s fine eyebrows shot up. “You never turn on your cam. I gotta admit, I’m curiou
s to see what you look like.”
You already have.
And with that, Mike hit the toggle that activated his webcam. A second, smaller screen came to life next to the big one that showed Josh’s feed. It took a second to load, but when it did, the look on Josh’s face would have been comical had the situation been any less serious.
For a full ten seconds, Josh stared at him, eyes wide, jaw slack. Mike remained silent. There was nothing he could say right now that would make this any easier, and he wanted to give Josh time to process. Though the silence made his ears ring worse than the speakers from the club last night.
Finally, Josh wet his lips. “Mike.”
Mike waved. “Hi, Josh.”
“You’re Martin.”
It wasn’t a question, but Mike answered anyway. “Yes.”
“You’ve been Martin this whole time?”
“Yes, I have.”
Josh was silent for another interminable moment. Then he asked the question Mike had been dreading. “Why?”
“At first, it was to help you. I felt bad for putting you out of work and being so hot and cold toward you. I paid for some private shows to get you and your channel off the ground. Of course, that meant we had all that time to fill. We couldn’t have sex, because that would be a huge ethical violation, so—”
“So you spent it talking to me,” Josh finished. “Getting to know me.”
“Yes.” Mike drew a sharp breath. “I know I shouldn’t have pretended to be someone else, even if I had good intentions. It was still a lie. But for the record, everything I said about myself as Martin was true. I only changed my name.”
Josh didn’t speak, so Mike continued. “It seems so silly now. This was before I knew I had feelings for you. I didn’t think for a moment we were going to end up here. And after we filmed together, I thought I’d be the last person you’d want to talk to. But I saw you giving out personal information, and I had to say something. Plus, it was such an easy, no-pressure way to get to know you. You opened up to Martin, and I got sucked into it.” He paused. “Are you angry?”
“I don’t know what I feel. I think I’m still processing.” Josh studied him through the webcam. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Well, it’s not like I was being subtle about it in the first place. I picked another m name, for Christ’s sake, and my username has the word ‘ginger’ in it, along with my birth year. I was kinda expecting you to figure out it was me. I wanted to come clean last night, but I thought you’d prefer a grand reveal.” He gestured around himself. “And so, here I am.”
To his surprise, Josh gave him a small smile. “What in the world made you think I’m smart enough to figure something like that out?”
“Hey.” Mike frowned. “You’re plenty smart. You don’t want to admit it, for some reason, and lord knows you have no control over what comes out of your mouth—”
“Are you trying to get me to forgive you or break up with you?”
Mike’s heart stilled in his chest. “‘Break up’?”
Josh’s expression turned grave. “Yeah, break up. I know we’re not technically dating, but this right here”—he waved a hand at Mike—“is the sort of big lie that ends relationships before they begin.”
Mike swallowed, throat tight. “You are angry. I was waiting for that.”
“Wouldn’t you be? Mike, it’s not just that you lied to me. You kept lying to me. And then you talked about yourself to me as if you were someone else. You got me to tell you things I might not have told you otherwise. I think I have every right to feel however I want to feel about this.”
Mike was silent for a long moment. He dropped his gaze to his keyboard. “I think you do too.”
Josh made an exasperated sound. “I need some time to think about this. It’s a lot to process, and I don’t want to say anything rash out of anger.” He paused. “But as of right now, our date is off. When I’ve come to some sort of decision, I’ll let you know.”
Mike flinched but nodded. “That’s fair. Take all the time you need.”
There was no response. Mike glanced up.
Josh had signed out of their private show. His channel was gone as well, meaning he’d gone offline entirely. The website prompted him to leave a tip, but he exited out of the window. It wasn’t appropriate to give Josh money anymore; it could be construed as bribery.
Now that Josh was gone, the full force of Mike’s emotions swept through him, making it difficult to breathe. Remorse, panic, and embarrassment warred within him until fear swooped in and stole the show.
He didn’t want to lose Josh. Not like this. Not ever.
To his surprise, his eyes stung, as if he were about to cry. Jesus. He hadn’t cried since he was a kid. He blinked until it went away, though it did nothing to change how he felt.
For a long time, Mike stared at his computer screen. He hit the refresh button again on impulse, but Josh’s channel didn’t pop back up. Not that Mike had honestly expected it to.
Two more days. If they had made it two more days, they could have had their date. But no, that wouldn’t have helped anything. Mike still would have had to confess, and Josh would still have been angry. Rightly so.
Mike understood why he’d done what he’d done, but as he stared in the face of the consequences, it was hard to not wish he could do it over. He’d go back to the audition, and from the moment Josh entered his life, he’d never let him go.
Sighing, Mike climbed to his feet. He couldn’t torture himself like this. It could be days before Josh contacted him—if he ever did.
That was a horrifying thought. If Mike had fucked this up forever, he’d never forgive himself. A fresh gush of panic slithered through him and coiled in his gut.
He needed a distraction, or he was going to work himself into a froth. But what could he do? He still couldn’t work. His address book contained nothing but porn stars who wouldn’t want to see him right now. TV or reading wouldn’t hold his attention for long, social media would be agony, and he could only clean and work out so many hours a day.
It occurred to Mike, as if through a fog, that his life was pretty damn empty. He lived alone in an apartment that was too big for him, paid for by a job he was no longer passionate about, and he’d potentially lost the one person in over a year who’d made him feel . . . awake.
And every single one of these things, he’d brought on himself.
How had he not noticed before how lonely he was?
“This is what happens when you live with your head up your own ass,” Mike muttered to himself. “You miss what’s right in front of you. And, apparently, you start talking to yourself.”
He turned to his computer with the intention of shutting it down. Instead, he hit Refresh one more time.
Josh’s channel popped up right at the top of the list. Mike stared at it, wondering if he’d somehow conjured it there by sheer force of will.
That was ridiculous, though. Josh was probably finishing out his shift. They might be fighting, but Josh still had to work.
The desire to see him was potent, but there was no way in hell Mike could go in his channel. That would be a huge violation of the space Josh had asked for. Mike went to close out of Murmur Inc.’s website entirely. Before he could, his phone—which he’d placed on its usual spot on his desk—lit up.
He glanced at it. His breath caught in his throat. He had a text from Josh.
He snatched his phone up so quickly he half expected to send it flying into the wall.
Come back into my channel and buy a private show.
Mike stared at the message, reading it over and over, convinced he was misunderstanding it. His first thought was that it had to be some sort of mistake. Josh had sent this earlier, and due to a bad connection or something, it’d only gotten delivered now. But hadn’t Josh been asleep earlier? And why would he have asked Mike to buy a show from him? He hadn’t known that Mike was Martin and that he’d been visiting his channel. It didn’t make any sens
e.
Mike hit Reply with the intent of getting some answers, only to drown in the deluge of things he wanted to say. Why was Josh talking to him already? Why did he want Mike to come back into the channel? What the hell was going on?
A paranoid part of Mike wondered if this was some kind of test, but what would be the point? Regardless, Josh wasn’t the sort to play games. He’d never been anything but straight with Mike.
Well, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words.
Mike put his phone back down, retook his seat, and entered Josh’s cam channel. No matter how wrong it felt, Josh had asked him to, and he didn’t want to piss him off further by ignoring his requests.
As soon as the feed loaded, he saw Josh eagerly scanning the left side of his screen, which Mike knew from experience was where the list of users in the channel was.
“Ah, gingersnap93,” he said. His eyes nipped up to the camera, and he seemed to look right at Mike. “Just who I was waiting for.”
Well, that clinched it. Josh had really asked him to come back. Pushing aside his trepidations, Mike bought a private show. This time, he set it so that his mic and cam would turn on right away.
When the new screen appeared, he blurted out the first of his many questions. “Josh, why did you ask me back here?”
“Because you’re a shitty tipper.” Josh had switched positions so he was leaning back against the headboard, laptop balanced on his knees. “Zero percent? Seriously? A lot of us cam stars live on tips, you know. Twenty percent is the new fifteen.”
Mike stared at him in disbelief. “Dude, if this is some kind of joke, it’s not funny.”
“Not at all. I take my tips very seriously.” Josh seemed to sober somewhat, however. “Sorry for the back and forth. I wanted to talk to you, but I had to finish out my shift. I thought I’d kill two birds.”
“You can’t be serious. You want to talk already? It’s been like five minutes.”
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