“Oh, babe…” Steph said.
“I couldn’t help it. I tried, I tried so hard,” she said. “I’m happy for them. I really am.”
“Oh, babe,” Steph said again, sitting down on the bed next to Rosa. She took her in her arms. Rosa buried her face in Steph’s neck and cried harder. Steph rocked her, cooing softly.
When Rosa got her emotions back under control, she pulled away and grabbed a handful of tissues. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “I know I shouldn’t go there.” She picked up tiny yellow onesie. They hadn’t known the gender of their unborn child, so they had bought everything in yellow.
Steph looked down at the baby stuff that littered the bed. It was obvious Rosa had tearfully examined everything in the box. It was several years ago that Rosa had miscarried, but it seemed like only yesterday. They hadn’t told anyone she was pregnant because it was their little secret. They had planned on having a big party and making the announcement when Rosa began showing. Steph could still envision the happy faces of her friends. She remembered being thankful they hadn’t told anyone. Rosa was already devastated and the kindness and pity of their friends would’ve only made it worse.
Steph recalled that horrible night. Rosa had awakened her. She was crying in pain, nearly hysterical. The bed sheets were covered in blood and the life of their unborn child. Steph had rushed Rosa to the hospital, but it was too late.
Susan was the only one of their friends who knew about the miscarriage. Steph had called her—the only time in her life that she’d been unable to handle a crisis. She had lost it. She couldn’t even keep it together for Rosa’s sake.
They had come up with the “memory box” as a way of putting the grief somewhere. Rosa had chosen a small cedar chest to store the baby things they had purchased. The items reminded them of the hopes and dreams they’d once had. There was a tiny nightdress and booties, the yellow onesie, a well-worn Dr. Seuss book that had been Rosa’s as a child, a pacifier and a rattle, and a soft baby blanket. There was also a carefully chosen baby book with blank pages to write down all the happy achievements: the first solid food, the first smile, the first word, the first steps—all the firsts that would never happen. Then they had put their sadness in the box, closed the lid, and placed it on the top shelf of the closet.
Steph had wanted them to try again. It wasn’t an option for her to carry. She’d had a full hysterectomy when she was thirty. Not having a period when you were a firefighter was a bonus as far as she was concerned. She’d just been glad the pain of the cysts that surrounded her ovaries was gone. But she would’ve given anything to give Rosa the baby she’d wanted. Rosa decided that she couldn’t go through it again and Susan agreed. Both of them knew that Rosa’s chances of miscarrying again were high.
Steph and Rosa took a trip to Mexico and nursed their broken hearts. When Rosa felt better, they returned. They had so much sick leave both their respective Human Resources departments were glad to have all that vacation time removed from the records. It had turned out to be the right thing to do. Instead of tearing their love apart like so many couples did with the loss of a child, they worked through it together and their love grew stronger. That trip had saved them. Returning home, they had felt cleansed and they’d gotten on with their lives.
But now, Amy and Parker had a baby on the way, and that brought up a lot of feelings for Rosa.
Steph gently wiped Rosa’s face. “It’s okay, babe. We’ll have a little one around here after all. Lord knows, we’ll be lined up for babysitting duty.”
Rosa tried to smile. “It will be nice.” She picked up the baby things and put them back into the box. “I suppose you’re planning the baby shower,” she said.
“Who else?” Steph said. She lifted the small cedar box off the bed and put it back in the closet. “We good?”
“We’re good,” Rosa said. She really did feel better. There was definitely something to be said for having a good cry. “Now, what’s for dinner? I’m starved.”
“It’s a surprise.”
Rosa suddenly grabbed Steph by the shoulders and looked deep into her lover’s eyes. “I love you,” she said, intensely.
“I know you do. Hey, who wouldn’t?” she joked.
Rosa swatted her on the ass and Steph knew they were all right.They would get through this, too.
Chapter Three
Steph sat with Susan at The Perk having coffee. The Perk was Fenton’s answer to Starbucks. It was comfortable, hip, and affordable. It hadn’t taken long for Fenton’s middle-class population to discover that deep within each human resided the need for good, strong coffee. Caffeine was the liberal elite’s drug of choice.
Steph wanted to talk to Susan about what had happened the night before with Rosa. She’d seemed fine in the morning, but Steph was concerned about Rosa’s mental state what with the upcoming baby shower and having a friend who glowed with the happiness of being pregnant. Steph didn’t hold a grudge against Parker and Amy, but hitting a home run the very first time, especially at Amy’s age, was a tough pill to swallow. Steph didn’t like herself for even thinking that way. She hoped talking to Susan would help.
They both sipped their respective coffees of choice. Steph had her usual latte with three shots of espresso and Susan had a cappuccino with low-fat milk. Steph watched as Susan daintily used her napkin to dab at the foam on her upper lip.
“I don’t think ordering a cappuccino is a good first date drink,” Steph said.
“Why not?” Susan said. “Do you have something against foam mustaches?”
Steph laughed. Susan cracking a joke was a new thing. Evidently, Tess had been good for Susan.
“Aren’t you glad Carrie no longer works here?” Steph said.
Susan shrugged. “I was never going to let her stand between me and my coffee.”
Two jokes in a row, Steph thought. That was a new record. Her Carrie comment obviously had hit close to home.
Susan had still patronized The Perk despite her ex-fiancée, Carrie, working there. Susan had said it was to prove to herself and everyone else that Carrie no longer held any power over her. Steph knew better, but fortunately, that was water under the bridge. Carrie no longer worked there and her attention was no longer focused on Susan. She had moved on—she was now dating a wealthy divorcee— but not before she had almost broken up Susan and Tess’s relationship.
Susan had kept things from Tess. Like how she had cosigned on a loan so Carrie could start her own business. But they’d gotten through it and now they lived in a house they’d built together. That was their form of a commitment. Susan couldn’t go through another wedding, not after Carrie had literally deserted her at the altar. Building the house together was good enough for both of them.
“How are you and Tess these days?” Steph asked.
“Couldn’t be better,” Susan answered. The genuine smile on her face spoke volumes.
“You two still act like newlyweds,” Steph said, “like you just got married.” Suddenly, Steph gulped, realizing her mistake a beat too late. “I’m sorry, Susan. I didn’t mean to…”
Susan waved it off. “I’m over it. What’s most important is that Tess and I are madly in love. Sometimes, I wonder if I really did love Carrie at all. I feel so much more emotion when it comes to Tess.”
“I think a lot of people are in love with the idea of being in love. They mistake it for the real thing.”
“Waxing philosophical?” Susan said.
“I learned a lot when Rosa got hurt. You’re going along thinking you’ve got life all figured out, then the universe throws you one hell of a curve ball.” Steph shook her head, remembering. “That was tough on us.”
“But love got you through it and that’s what it should do. The highs of infatuation and lust are great, but it’s the companionship and the closeness that true love brings to a relationship that really counts. It’s the glue that keeps a relationship together. Jumping from peak to peak can be exhilarating, but even that can get bori
ng. I think Carrie and I were all about peak jumping. You know, it was a Women’s Studies professor that told me about that. We were all so young that it passed on by, but later I often thought about that. I still remember her name—Terry McGwinn.”
“Prof nailed it,” Steph said. “Sometimes I think a college education is wasted on the young.” She sipped her latte.
“Dr. McGwinn gave us a window into seeing how being gay used to be. There were a quite a few lesbians in the class. Professor McGwinn was one of the only openly gay professors. She used to get mobbed at the end of each class by the students—questions about the stuff we’d read, recommendations for further reading. The university hardly had any Women’s Studies classes. Everyone was so excited to be part of it. On the last day of class, she told us about how she lived in the closet for years and that she used alcohol as a way of self-medicating because she couldn’t cope with being a lesbian. She was too afraid to go to the gay community center and meet other lesbians. Every Thanksgiving for three years, she donated a turkey anonymously. On the fourth one she went and was welcomed into the tribe with open arms. Her parents disowned her, but she’d found her people and made a new family. That story resonated with me, too.”
“Did she have a partner?” Steph asked.
“She did—another professor. They seemed happy. We saw them sometimes at community picnics and other lesbian events.”
Steph looked over Susan’s shoulder and saw her fellow firefighter, Ruth. She was hard to miss. Ruth was six feet tall, had short raven-colored hair and lovely green eyes. She was a good-looking woman and unattached. She was a single mother to an eight-year-old daughter. Her partner had decided she didn’t want to be a mommy and had left them. Ruth moved to Fenton and she and her daughter, Cece, both fit in perfectly.
Ruth was talking to Tamika. Tamika was the manager of The Perk. She was a pretty black woman, almost as tall as Ruth, with dreadlocks that she always wore pinned up. Steph watched the two women with a discerning eye. Tamika laughed and Ruth reached out, lightly touching Tamika on the arm. If Steph wasn’t mistaken, they seemed to be flirting.
Susan turned to see what Steph was looking at. “I see Ruth in here a lot,” Susan said. She sipped her coffee. They both watched them.
“I think they’re flirting,” Steph said.
“I hope they’re both single.”
“As a matter of fact, they are,” Steph said.
“Don’t even think about it,” Susan said.
“Why not?”
Steph’s matchmaking skills were legendary—at least in her own mind. “Did I or did I not get Amy and Parker together?”
“You did. Those two were meant for each other so I contend it would’ve happened anyway.”
“Maybe,” Steph conceded. “If they’d ever gotten around to it.”
“They do have a tendency to put things off.” Susan finished her cappuccino.
“What about you and Tess? Now, that was a struggle. I had to do some pushing,” Steph said, raising an eyebrow and flattening her lips. She was right and they both knew it.
“All right, I’ll give you that one. We did need a push.”
“Push, hell. You had to be dragged into going out for a coffee date.”
“Which is another reason I like this place. It has sentimental value,” Susan said, then added as an aside, “If you discount the Carrie thing.”
“Hey there,” Ruth said, approaching their table. “Long time, no see.”
“Yeah, like a whole twelve hours,” Steph said.
“It just seems like forever,” Ruth said. “Hello, Susan. How have you been? I haven’t seen you in ages.”
“I’ve been keeping busy at the hospital,” Susan said.
Steph couldn’t stop herself from blurting, “I didn’t know that you and Tamika were friendly.”
“Oh yeah, well… the coffee is always great and Tamika works the day shift. We talk,” Ruth said. She avoided Steph’s gaze. “What’d you all have planned for today?” she asked, changing the subject.
“Just the usual stuff. Say, I’m planning a baby shower for Amy and Parker, maybe you could bring Tamika.”
Ruth’s fair complexion turned beet red.
“Steph!” Susan admonished.
“What? We’ll have lots of food which requires lots of people to eat it. That’s all I’m saying,” Steph said.
“Yeah, right” Ruth said. “I know what you’re up to, Steph. Tamika and I are not those kinds of friends. Gotta go. I’ve got my own usual stuff to do.”
Ruth quickly walked away before more could be said to embarrass her further.
“Just think about it,” Steph called to Ruth’s back as she walked out the door.
“She’s not going to do it,” Susan said. “That’s a big step to take and she doesn’t look like she’s ready.”
Steph shrugged. “Then I’ll invite Tamika. They may not show up together, but that doesn’t mean they can’t leave together.”
“You’re incorrigible.” Susan tapped the table top with her fingernails. “Now back to the business at hand. What’s up with Rosa? You said you were worried about her?”
Steph told her about last night with Rosa and the memory box.
“It’s a natural thing to feel sad,” Susan said. “Our little group hasn’t had anything like this before. It’s bound to stir up memories for Rosa. You all will be babysitting before you know it, and she’ll get to spend time with the baby.”
“That’s just it,” Steph said, lowering her voice as two older women sat down at the table next to them. “Won’t that bring up all that sadness again? Make it worse?”
“Maybe in the beginning, but being around a baby might help too. It’s been four years since the miscarriage. Rosa’s a strong woman. Bringing down the box may have been the true beginning of the healing. You handled it well, but there’s still stuff deep down in Rosa’s psyche. And it needs to be processed.”
“So it’s like a facing-your-fear kind of thing?”
“In a way, yes. It can’t be avoided unless Rosa ignores the baby and that’s not going to happen. This baby will be raised by a village. Rosa will be an important part of that village.”
“I hope you’re right,” Steph said. She sipped her latte.
“I have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“Are you going to tell the others about the miscarriage?”
“I don’t think so,” Steph said.
“Good.”
“Why do you say that?” Steph asked. She finished off her latte in one great swallow.
“Because it would put a dark cloud over the whole thing and Amy’s joy at being pregnant will have an element of guilt. Since you decided back then that you wanted to spare your friends the pain of knowing what happened, why bring it up now?”
“True. I’ve always felt guilty for not telling Parker. She would never have told a soul, but Rosa didn’t want to tell anybody. I had to respect her wishes.”
“I think you made the right choice. Rosa hates to be pitied. If everyone knew about the miscarriage, they’d pity her and it might keep Amy and Parker away. We wouldn’t want that.”
“No, we wouldn’t.”
“Rosa is lucky to have you,” Susan said.
“That’s what I keep telling her,” Steph said with a laugh. At that moment, she turned her attention to Tamika who was wiping down a nearby table. “Hey, Tamika! How do you feel about baby showers?”
Chapter Four
They were supposed to be getting ready for the barbeque at Steph and Rosa’s, but instead they were naked. Parker traced her finger along the curve of Amy’s hip. She kissed her ardently. Amy nibbled at Parker’s ear, eliciting a moan. Amy cupped her hand around Parker’s breast and gave her nipple a gentle squeeze. Parker slid her hand down Amy’s tummy and slipped between her legs, stroking the silky softness of Amy’s inner thighs.
“We’re going to be late for the dinner,” Amy said.
“Not my fault,” P
arker said, running her fingertip across Amy’s sweet spot.
“Yes, it is.”
“And why is that?”
“Because you got in the shower with me and that turned into foreplay,” Amy teased. “Which led to this.” She gasped as Parker slipped a finger inside her.
“You didn’t try very hard to stop me,” Parker said.
“Because I am weak. And I can’t resist you,” Amy said. “But I am going to tell Steph it was all your fault.” She kissed Parker deeply while her hips moved in sync with Parker’s slow thrusts. Then she reached for Parker, finding her warm and receptive, and sliding her own fingers inside that warmth. They moved together with the ease of lovers who knew each other’s bodies so well their lovemaking was instinctual, each knowing and anticipating what the other craved.
“I want us to come together,” Parker said. They moved against each other faster, their hearts beating in unison, until at last there was no holding back and they came with soft moans of pleasure.
“Mission accomplished,” Amy said, rolling onto her back and breathing hard.
“Well done, Ms. Warner.”
“After we’re married, we better still have rocking sex.” She leaned up on her elbow and stared down at Parker. “I don’t want to become a casualty of no lovemaking just because we’re legal. I want us to stay just like this.”
“The baby’s going to change things. But I promise you we will be good friends, good lovers, and good parents. Besides, think of the date nights we can have. We’ll have babysitters fighting for slots.”
“True,” Amy said, kissing Parker’s forehead. “I love you so much.”
“I love you more than I ever thought possible and it just keeps growing. Can you feel it?”
“I think I can, right here,” Amy said pointing to her heart.
“Can you feel the baby, too?”
Amy shook her head. “I don’t think so. Not yet. I feel the same, like nothing has changed, but everything’s changed at the same time. It’s weird.”
Cross Your Heart Page 3