“Well, it’s not exactly a good start to the big day. I’ll go see if I can do damage control.” Parker traced Amy footsteps. She opened the bedroom door. Amy had her face buried in a pillow.
“Go away,” Amy mumbled through her tears. “I’m just a big whale.”
“You’re not a whale. Maybe a sea lion, but definitely not a whale.”
Amy sat up and threw the pillow at Parker who caught it. “That comparison doesn’t make me feel any better.” She sniffled.
“Come on, cowgirl up. There’s nothing we can do about your big belly.”
“You’re not being very sympathetic,” Amy said.
Steph appeared in the doorway. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I know. I’m just being a silly girl,” Amy said, swinging her legs around on the bed. She tried to get up, but couldn’t. Parker put her hand out and helped lever Amy to her feet. Wisely, no one said anything.
“I hate to be pushy, but we’re on a time schedule here,” Steph said.
“Let me fix my mascara,” Amy said.
“And maybe your hair. Just a tiny bit,” Steph said diplomatically.
***
When they got to the Unitarian church, the same one Rosa and Steph had gotten married in, there were lots of oohs and ahhhs for Amy and lots of back pats for Parker, who was told she was lucky to have such a woman and that she looked very dashing.
Sam was impressed with Parker’s guns. Parker told him he could play with them at the reception. Then Cece piped up that she wanted to play with one too. Both children were dressed as cowboys. Sam even had spurs on his boots. Parker told them they could each have one as long as they didn’t shoot the cake or any adults.
“It’s nice to see girls finally getting to be cowboys,” Steph said.
“I think it has something to do with the Wonder Woman movie,” Parker said.
Tess and Susan came up to talk. “I want you to know that if you weren’t one of my best friends, I would not be wearing this absurd outfit,” Susan said, tugging up the neckline on her saloon girl bridesmaid dress.
“You’re a bridesmaid, it’s mandatory,” Amy said. Rascal sat quietly next to her. He seemed to be taking his responsibility as ring bearer seriously. He allowed gentle pats, but didn’t jump up or drool.
“I know,” Susan said. “I’m just jealous that I don’t get to be a cowboy.” She pointed at Tess, “Like her.”
Tess drew her toy pistol and twirled it around her index finger.
“Impressive,” Parker said. “I shot Amy in the heart earlier.”
“Technically speaking, it was her boob,” Steph corrected.
“That’s no way to talk about the bride,” Rosa said, giving her a swat in the arm.
At that moment, Millie and Bernie walked up.
Millie kissed Amy on the cheek. “You look smashing.” She looked down at Rascal. “Is he all right?”
As if sensing that Millie was upset, he nuzzled her hand. She scratched behind his ears.
“I believe he’s being serious,” Parker said.
“The moment you’ve been waiting for,” Amy said to Bernie.
Bernie bear-hugged her as best she could with Amy’s belly in the way. She backed away. “Oh, my goodness I think I squished her.”
“I hope the baby is a she,” Steph said.
Amy said, “But a boy would be good, too.”
“A girl would be better,” Steph said.
Rosa swatted her again. “Geez, I’m going to have bruises if you keep that up,” Steph said, rubbing her arm.
“Oh, big bad gunslinger,” Rosa said.
“You two look great,” Susan said to Millie and Bernie.
They did, too. Millie wore a green velvet dress, with a high neck and long sleeves. Bernie wore a black suit, a string tie, and shiny, black ankle boots.
After much consultation, Parker and Amy had not insisted that the wedding guests dress in western regalia, but many of them had, including Jeb and Clementine. Sam had been ecstatic about dressing up as a cowboy. Luke had gotten into the spirit as well, dressing up as a saloon girl much to his father’s chagrin. Jeb had muttered something about when was Luke going to outgrow his fascination with dresses—which had begun during the growth of feminism in the town.
The meet and greet would have gone on forever if the wedding march hadn’t started. Edna was the organist. She only knew that one song. Millie had suggested she learn it because it would keep her busy. She’d taken losing Mabel extremely hard.
“Well, the big day has finally arrived,” Steph said. “God knows it took long enough.” She quickly stepped back before Rosa could punch her again.
“Oh, hell’s bells. I think Edna’s a bit premature,” Millie said.
“She’s nervous,” Parker said. “She might be putting in a few practice bars.”
“How come you’re not nervous?” Steph asked. “It’s your wedding, after all.”
“Being nervous serves no purpose.”
“You are so frustrating. Can’t you just be normal like other people and have wedding jitters?” Steph said.
As if to accommodate, Parker stuck her hand out, palm down. It was trembling a little.
“Ha! I knew it.”
Rosa tugged at Steph. “Let’s go. It’s starting.” They walked to their seats.
Millie bustled down the aisle and took her seat in the front row as befit the mother of the bride. The rest of them took their appropriate places near the altar—saloon girls on one side, cowboys the other.
Parker lightly kissed Amy. “I’ll meet you down front.”
Amy smiled. “You better.”
Rascal dutifully walked down the aisle next to Parker. By this time, Edna was on her third pass of the wedding march.
“You ready?” Bernie asked, holding out her arm.
“As I’ll ever be.” Amy took Bernie’s arm. They walked down the aisle, past Amy’s many friends, some of whom were already dabbing at their eyes. What a wonderful thing this was, Amy marveled. All these people she’d grown close to, surrounding her and wishing her well. She wanted to cry, but knew she had to hold it together. She didn’t want her mascara to run again and end up looking raccoon-eyed like some character out of a Tim Burton movie.
She was halfway down the aisle when a jolt of pain stopped her in her tracks. A few seconds passed. She smiled at Bernie and shook her head. Must be nerves, she told herself.
She took a few steps and stopped again. She felt wet. Like she had tinkled herself. Panic rose in her throat, threatening to strangle her. She tried to send eye signals to Parker, but Parker only smiled back at her.
I can’t stand up there with a wet dress, Amy thought. Her mind went into overdrive. If I get up there fast, I’ll be standing sideways and no one will see the wet spot. She walked faster, dragging Bernie along with her.
Edna pounded the keys of the piano. To keep pace with Amy, she had to play faster.
Millie leaned over and whispered to Ruth, “She’s just a little anxious.”
Rather than facing the pastor, Amy turned sideways. Parker cocked an eyebrow, but followed her lead and adjusted the angle of her body until she, too, was sideways.
Susan leaned over and discreetly whispered into Amy’s ear, “You’re supposed to stand facing the pastor.”
Amy whispered back out the side of her mouth. “Can’t. I peed myself. Don’t want everyone to see.”
Susan looked alarmed. “Cramps?”
“A little,” Amy whispered back. “I knew better than to eat bacon. It always makes me gassy.”
The wedding march finally stopped after Molly tapped on Edna’s shoulder.
The church went silent.
Suddenly, Amy cried out in pain and doubled over.
Millie stood and shouted, “She’s having the baby!”
No, no, no, this can’t be happening, Amy thought. Her mind raced with the awfulness of the situation. She couldn’t go into labor in front of everyone. Not at h
er own wedding! She’d never live it down. Her baby would never stop hearing about it the rest of her life. Amy leaned into Parker’s strong arms. She didn’t think she could stand on her own.
Susan stared at her watch, counting down the minutes between contractions.
“Perhaps we should postpone the wedding,” Parker said.
Millie was up at the altar in a flash. She took Amy’s other arm, saying, “Oh, sweetie, we need to get you to the maternity ward ASAP,” Millie said.
Amy doubled over as another contraction hit. Parker had to hold her up.
“We can do this another day,” Parker said.
Susan said, “Amy, this is it. We need to get you to the hospital. Now.”
“I’ll go get the car,” Millie said. She ran for the exit.
Amy furiously shook her head, saying, “I am not having this baby born out of wedlock.” She looked at the pastor. “Can you do a speed wedding?” She grimaced and doubled over again. “Oh, damn it all! I’ve still got two weeks before term.”
“That’s the thing about babies,” Susan said, “They’re not very good at telling time.”
“We have to get married,” Amy pleaded. She groaned and bit her lip in an attempt not to scream out. After the contraction passed, she said, panting, “I’ve got time. Babies don’t come that fast.”
“I researched how long you have after your water breaks. One woman had hers in a record three minutes,” Parker said.
“Is that possible?” Amy asked Susan, truly alarmed by now. She bent over with another contraction.
“Yes. It’s entirely possible,” Susan replied.
“Honey,” the pastor said, “Let’s get you to the hospital. I’ll come with you and we’ll do a speed wedding there.” She added, “If there’s time.”
“Amy, you really don’t want to have the baby here…in front of everyone,” Bernie said.
Most of the people in the church were huddled around. Amy looked at their concerned faces. “Okay.” She looked at the pastor. “You’ll really come to the hospital?”
“I am a woman of the cloth. It’s bad form to lie in my profession.” Her kind, brown eyes and composed manner reassured Amy.
Amy nodded. “Okay. To the hospital.”
“Make way,” Parker ordered. She scooped Amy up in her arms and carried her down the aisle. Amy apologized profusely to the wedding guests as they left. “Sorry. So sorry. Sorry about this. Go ahead and eat the cake. Don’t let it go to waste!”
As they exited the church doors, Millie skidded her orange GTO to a stop right in front of them. “Hurry up! Get in!” Millie shouted over the rumble of the engine. Parker loaded Amy into the front seat. Parker and Bernie leapt in the back.
Chief Bob Ed ran out of the church. “I’ll give you a police escort,” he said. He quickly ran to his car, started the engine, and put the flashing light on the roof.
All the wedding guests ran to their own cars. It looked as if everybody were going to go to the hospital.
Susan leaned into Amy’s window. “I’ll meet you at the hospital. I’ve put in a call to your doctor, but she’s in Kansas City.”
“Can you deliver the baby?” Amy said.
“She’s a doctor. Of course, she can,” Parker said, from the back seat.
“How will I be able to look you in the face again knowing that you’ve seen my vagina?” Amy said.
“I won’t look,” Susan said, “I promise.”
Amy cried out from another contraction.
“Hold on to your hats, we’re blowing this popsicle stand,” Millie shouted. She slammed her foot down on the accelerator.
And with that, they were off and racing toward the hospital with a police escort and fifty cars full of wedding guests following.
***
With Chief Bob Ed’s police escort and Millie’s fast and furious driving, they made it to the hospital in record time. Amy’s contractions were coming fast and hard. Parker ran in and got a wheelchair before the hospital personnel had an opportunity. Bernie helped Amy into the wheelchair while Susan hurried into the hospital.
Parker took her hand. “You can do this,” she said. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” Amy panted. She looked around frantically. “Where’s the pastor?”
“She’ll be here soon,” Parker soothed, then added under her breath, “I hope.”
Ruth, Steph, and Rosa ran up to them. Ruth had left Cece at the church with Tamika. “How’s she doing?” she asked, following Amy’s entourage into the emergency entrance.
“I hope the baby doesn’t come sailing out like a football before the pastor gets here,” Parker said.
“Parker, don’t say that,” Amy said as they passed through the hospital doors.
“The baby will wait until the pastor gets here, I’m sure of it,” Parker recanted.
Amy was wheeled down the hall into a room where Susan was waiting. She was wearing a gown, booties on her feet, and gloves. “I haven’t done this in quite awhile.” She rubbed her gloved hands together in seeming glee.
“You look like a mad scientist when you do that,” Parker said.
“I’m sorry. That was inappropriate of me,” Susan said, seeing Amy’s frightened face.
Ruth and Steph expertly lifted Amy onto the hospital bed. A nurse stuck her head in the door and seeing Steph and Ruth, said, “Looks like you all got this.”
Amy had one contraction, followed quickly by another. “Where’s the pastor?” Amy yelled.
“You won’t be needing last rites,” the nurse said. “It only feels like you’re dying.”
“It’s not that,” Steph said. “She wants to get married before the baby is born.”
“A little late for that,” the nurse said.
“No, it’s not!” Amy said adamantly.
“Okay, sweetie,” the nurse said. “The rest of you should clear out. It’s a bit crowded in here.”
“You all right with that?” Steph asked.
“Yes, it’s bad enough that Susan is seeing all my junk. I’ve got Parker.”
Steph pointed a warning finger at Parker, ordering, “Don’t faint.”
“Like I’d do that,” Parker said.
“Actually people do it all the time,” Ruth said.
Her friends wished her luck and left. Amy put her feet in the stirrups and felt more vulnerable than she had ever felt before.
Susan moved between Amy’s legs and examined her. “It won’t be long. Nice even breaths, Amy. I’ll tell you when to push.”
“I’m not pushing until the pastor gets here. I want to be married first,” Amy growled.
“Amy,” Parker said. She stroked her forehead. “It’s all going to be all right.”
“You won’t be saying that when we have a bastard for a child.” She groaned.
“Lots of children are born out of wedlock. It doesn’t make them any less,” Parker said.
“Until they’re teenagers and do the math,” Amy said. “How are we supposed to tell our child not to get pregnant before she’s married?”
At that moment, the pastor flew into the room. She was red-faced and breathing hard. “I’m so sorry. I got stuck in traffic, if you can believe that, in Fenton of all places. It was mostly wedding guests trying to get out of the parking lot.”
“We should’ve had you ride with Chief Bob Ed,” Parker said.
Amy screamed out in pain.
“Let’s get this party started,” the pastor said. She pulled a book out of her robe pocket, opened it, and began the marriage vows.
Parker interrupted, “Wait! Rascal had the rings. We can’t get married without rings.”
Amy screamed, “I don’t give a flying fuck about the rings! Just say the damn words.”
The pastor skipped all the extraneous parts of the ceremony and went straight to the essentials, “Do you Parker, take Amy, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish her, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, until death do
you part?”
“I do.” Parker kissed Amy’s trembling hand.
“And Amy do you take Parker to be your lawfully wedded wife…”
Amy cut her off, shouting, “I do.” Her words were followed by a scream of pain.
Susan lifted a squalling, red, wrinkled, beautiful baby from between Amy’s legs. “It’s a girl!” Susan’s eyes glistened as she handed the baby to the nurse to clean up before mommy and baby met face-to-face.
“What does she look like?” Amy asked, tugging on Parker’s sleeve.
“Wrinkled and red, but I’m sure she’ll fill out,” Parker said, staring down at the baby in the nurse’s arms.
“They all look like that, Parker,” Susan admonished. “The birth canal is not a roomy place.”
Then the pastor said the words that Amy and Parker had been waiting to hear for over a year, “I now pronounce you married. You may now kiss each other.”
Parker leaned over and pressed her lips to Amy’s. “I love you,” Parker said.
“I love you, too,” Amy said, relief and joy coloring her voice.
The nurse handed the baby to Parker. The look of love on Parker’s face made Amy want to weep. Parker gently placed the baby girl in Amy’s arms.
“We have a baby,” Parker said, her voice full of awe.
“I know what to name her,” Amy said.
“What?” Parker asked.
“Clara. Her name is Clara Mabel.”
Parker nodded. Her eyes filled with tears. “Perfect. A perfect name.”
Susan said, “I better go tell the others.” She left the room.
As the the baby nuzzled her breast, Amy heard whooping and cries of joy coming from the waiting room. She looked adoringly at her daughter, and whispered, “Oh, Clara, you’re going to have a wonderful life, full of so much love.”
“Yes, she is,” Parker said. She leaned down and wrapped her wife and child in her arms.
The End
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