by Jillian Neal
“I am. Please stop teasing me.”
He hadn’t really intended to tease, but she sure as hell responded. He lifted her right leg and hooked her heel against his ass. “I could take you like this. See, how open you are now. How wet and slick. I could slip right in and make it feel so fucking good, but it wouldn’t be enough,” he growled. “I’d still need more.” He’d always need more, but he couldn’t wait any longer to explain that. He lifted her slightly, brought her left leg around his torso to meet her right and impaled her.
The torture of her jacking him off while making him tell her things he knew he shouldn’t was nothing compared to the moments he forced himself not to move while she adjusted to the invasion of his cock, deeper than anyone had ever been before.
She wiggled in his arms both to seat him further inside of her and to let her body adjust to his girth. He shook with the divine pain of being denied.
“Jamie, please,” she finally begged.
“Don’t wanna hurt you,” he grunted.
“I want you to.” Again, she spoke so softly he was certain he’d misunderstood. His eyes flashed open to take in her burying her face against his neck, trying to hide from her own confession.
“That what you need, baby? Need to feel how rough I was with you with every step you take?”
“Yes,” she squeaked.
“Done.” He gripped her hips, braced her back on the wall, withdrew by mere fractions, slammed himself deeper, and then rode like the cowboy he’d always been. “So fucking beautiful,” he assured her. As he slipped himself out and then pressed back in deeper, “Fucking love watching my cock disappear deep in you,” growled from him like he was far more beast than man. She angled her head so she could watch as well. A delicious little moan escaped her mouth. “You like watching me take what’s mine, angel? Watching me own you?”
“Yes.” The confession tore from her, perforated with shame, he suspected. But she went wild in his arms. She was so slick and his muscles were exhausted from physically helping to move cows out of the trucks that morning. He was scared not to hold her up with both arms, so he improvised.
“Bring your fingers to my mouth,” he urged.
Her brow furrowed for a split second before she complied. Damn, but he loved that. Once she had her fingertips near his lips, he licked their tips and then sucked two into his mouth. “Now, reach between us and tease that sweet little nub. Show me how you like it.”
She made a quick circle of her fingertips between his abs and her clit but didn’t really make contact. “Rub yourself, honey. Like a good girl.”
Her eyes closed and she gave herself over to his instruction. Perfect little filthy angel. She shook with the impending orgasm, a combo if he had any say over it.
He throbbed constantly now. His balls were so high and tight he swore he was choking on them. “You’re right there, sugar,” he grunted. “Let yourself go. Take me with you.”
He pled with whoever was in charge of orgasms in heaven that she’d push through her fear, but he was denied. She tensed. Her jaw locked. And she actively denied herself all while urging him on, “Come in me. Please. I want it to drip out of me again. Like it did this morning.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was too much. She squeezed those internal muscles even tighter against him, locking him down inside of her and he tried. God, he tried to hold it back. Tried so fucking hard he was dizzy, but nothing worked. She was too good. Too tight. Too Charlie. Too much his. And he filled her full with pump after pump, soaking down her walls with hot cum.
When his breath finally returned to him, he gently lowered her back to her feet and held her steady. Disappointment crushed him even though he tried to remember that her climaxing wasn’t supposed to be his goal. Fuck that. He hadn’t gotten her off. And he felt like a failure.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Charlie was thoroughly, deliciously melted. She let her head loll on Jamie’s shoulder and relished every moment of that. She loved that he hadn’t been gentle or worried over her even after seeing all of her scars. No one had ever done that before. She felt deliciously sexy.
“That was amazing,” she remembered to inform him. He tensed his arms around her tighter but didn’t respond. Great. He was still hung up on the orgasm thing. Disappointment tore away a little of the satisfaction she’d experienced. Why did that even have to be a thing? Why couldn’t they just let it feel good, not just good even, completely euphoric? This was why everyone was so hung up on sex. She’d never really understood it before crawling into bed with Jamie the night before. This was why the whole entire town wanted to ride a Holder.
He soaped his hands and began to massage her back. Okay, he was clearly some kind of gift to her from God for being a good person all of her life or at least trying to be. Despite how insanely good it felt when he rubbed her shoulders, she lifted her head. “I thought you were going to be okay with the orgasm thing.” She wanted him to feel as good as she did.
“Trying. Not necessarily succeeding,” he sighed. He added more soap and took advantage of the slight distance she’d put between them to wash away the seed he’d left behind from between her legs.
Shock robbed her of breath when he slipped his hands to the scars and lovingly washed those as well. She still wasn’t certain how to react to someone lovingly touching her breasts, but she fought the panic and allowed it. “Do you still put lotion on this?” he asked with a great deal of caution. She managed a nod. “Do you have it with you?” Another nod. “Then I want to do that too. Gonna fucking prove to you that I think you’re goddamn gorgeous. Every square inch of you is perfect.”
It didn’t take a genius to figure out that he thought her inability to orgasm was tied up in those scars. Maybe it was. But there was so much more to it. She had no idea how to explain that though. She couldn’t even explain it to herself.
Besides, she was still woozy and satisfied from the best sex she’d ever had, so words were difficult to produce just then. When the water turned cold, Jamie shut it off, guided her out into the steamy bathroom, and wrapped her up in a thick towel. It was such a shame that they couldn’t just stay on Camden Ranch forever. Then they’d never have to face everyone back home. She could just go on ignoring Ed and her father and all of her problems. Spending every waking moment with Jamie and then falling asleep in his arms at night sounded like an ideal life to her.
And that thought paralyzed her. She’d never ever thought that about Ed. She’d spent most of her time trying to figure out how not to be around him. What she’d just described sounded a whole lot like a marriage and love. But falling in love with Jamie was stupid and dangerous. What if she lost him? She couldn’t lose anything else in her life. She’d never survive. She knew.
“Where’d your mind go?” he whispered as he rubbed another towel over his impressive biceps.
“Nowhere,” she lied. Nowhere good, anyway.
After their shower and trying to avoid the awkwardness that hung between them like a physical presence, they decided they were hungry. At least that gave them something else to talk about.
Jamie despised the barriers that formed between them as soon as she realized he was disappointed in their shower session. He wanted to fix it, but he didn’t know how. He sucked at keeping things from her. Pretending that he wasn’t confused and frustrated that he couldn’t do to her what she did to him sucked.
Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, he remembered Dec telling him that he was gonna have to be patient. That blew. There was a problem, and he wanted to fix it now. Thinking of his conversation with Dec, Jamie cleared his throat and tossed his napkin on his plate. Casserole had been delicious, but he wanted to get down to business. “Can I talk to you about something?”
She lifted her head from her plate. “Of course.”
He tried to gather courage. Damage control was going to be necessary. Surely, if he could convince her that Dec’s ideas would be helpful, she wouldn’t be too pissed. She’d probably even be thankfu
l that he took initiative. Women liked that shit, right?
“One of the Camden daughters is married to a…uh…psychologist or maybe it’s a psychiatrist. I don’t really know the difference.”
“O…kay.” She narrowed her eyes, and Jamie considered bailing out now.
He sped up the next words. “And I think Holly, that’s the Camden married to the doctor, is one too.”
Charlie gave him a single, cautious nod.
“And they sort of specialize in sex therapy. So, Dec, the doctor, was up helping us with the wreck. And Colt got involved and, anyway, I ended up…kinda talking with him. A little bit.”
The napkin she’d had braced in her hand dropped to her plate like a rock. Her jaw cocked to the side for a moment before, “Talked to him about what?” She emphasized the what with enough force that Jamie swore he felt the blow from the other side of the table.
He faltered. “Uh…well…I mean.”
“What, Jamie? What did you talk to him about?” Fury scalded every word. Rage ignited in her all-telling eyes.
A harsh swallow did nothing to bring the right words to his mind. He produced some odd sounds but none of them were actually words.
“Tell me,” she shot.
“Okay, okay. Jesus. Calm down.”
She leapt up from the table and headed his way. Definitely not the right thing to say. He held up his hands in surrender. “I just thought maybe he could give me some ideas on how to help you.”
And with those asinine words, she ignited like a fuse dropped in pure gasoline. “I cannot believe you. What is wrong with you?” She shoved him with enough force that his chair scooted back from the table.
Before he could react and stop her, she stomped toward the door.
“Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it’d piss you off so bad. He did it in a way you probably wouldn’t mind if you’d just listen.”
He continued to dig his own grave. She spun back. “How dare you discuss anything about us with anyone at all? Did it ever occur to you that maybe there’s nothing wrong with me? And if there is, that it’s mine to deal with. I’m the one who has to live with everything that came out of that fire. The emotional pain and the physical and no one, not even you, can live it for me. So stop trying!” she seethed. “Did it ever even enter your stupid brain that maybe I don’t want to give anything else of myself away? Especially to you. Because if this doesn’t work, I’m going to need every piece of myself to be mine so I can put myself back together all over again. But no. None of that ever occurred to you. You just want to ‘fix’ me.” She made liberal use of finger quotes. “If I’m broken, then that’s my problem! You have done a lot of stupid things in your life, Jamie Holder, but this takes the cake.” She flung open the door and he was by her side in the next split second.
“I’m sorry,” he tried.
She rolled her eyes from the front step. “No you’re not. You’re just sorry you pissed me off. You don’t feel bad for what you did at all.” She rushed out into the front yard. He took off after her, and she broke into a run. “Do not follow me!” were her last shouted words.
He watched her disappear across the flatlands surrounding them. The weight of her words bore down on him until he landed on his ass on the porch steps. Regret and guilt and a thousand other unnamed but destructive emotions took turns pummeling him. God, how could he have been so stupid?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Charlie had no idea how far she’d traveled. The adrenaline-fueled rage had kept her moving far and fast. She’d run until she was out of breath and the stitch in her side demanded that she slow. Worried that she’d need her inhaler, which she hadn’t grabbed in her escape, she’d walked slowly from there on. Eventually, the fiery anger subsided just enough to leave the smoke of shame in its wake.
How could he have done that without even thinking to ask her first? Did it never even enter his mind that it would be horrifically embarrassing? Every time she thought of what else he might’ve told a complete stranger about her and then what might’ve come out of his fat mouth to his cousin, she dumped more fuel on the blaze.
She could count on one hand the number of fights they’d ever had. Jamie was the one person who just always got her. Or he had been, at least. Clearly, he’d been saving up for the past twenty years.
Shaking her head at that, she picked up pace again. Nothing soothed her. Not the low bellows of cattle in the distance. Not the gradually sinking sun. Not the crunch of gravel under her shoes that marked her progress along the path.
Eventually, she stumbled upon a large house nestled against the few trees on the ranch. A small smile tugged at her lips, but she refused it. The home was perfect—large porches lined the sides and multiple chimneys stood proudly on either side. She was thankful there was no smoke coming from either. It was a warm night, so surely they wouldn’t be lighting those. It was the kind of house that looked like nothing bad could ever happen inside of it.
Instinctively, she walked closer until she heard voices coming through the screen door. She wondered which of the Camden houses it was. There seemed to be several people inside.
Before she had a chance to escape, Mr. and Mrs. Camden stepped out on the porch. They exchanged a quick, concerned glance before they both offered her kind smiles. Jessie headed Charlie’s direction. “Are you all right, sweetheart? You look madder than a freshly baptized cat.”
A warm flush creeped up Charlie’s neck. “I’m fine.”
“Honey, I’ve raised a lot of children, a whole lot of grandchildren, and enough animals to have filled the Ark a hundred dozen times. I know mad when I see it. You’re a lot of things but you ain’t fine.”
It was such a maternal thing to say, Charlie felt bad for lying. “I…just got mad at Jamie. He’s a…” she tried to think of what he was exactly. Something between a dumb jerk and an infuriating asshole.
“Man,” Jessie provided for her.
That, at least, made her chuckle. “Yes. That.”
“And they all seem to be our burden to bear. It’s not fair but it’s the way it is. Come on inside. I just made some of my fresh salsa. Food’s good for figuring things out.”
“Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not sure I have much to figure out. I’m just not speaking to him.”
Jessie nodded her head and continued leading Charlie toward her home. “If you’re not speaking to him, then come talk to me. We can make some bread for breakfast tomorrow. Kneading’s good for the soul. Frustration always needs somewhere to go. Might as well be there.” As she passed her husband who was making his way down the porch steps, she gave him a knowing grin.
“I’m heading down there,” he assured her.
Charlie said a quick prayer that he wasn’t going to try to get through to Jamie. God only knew what Jamie might tell Ev Camden. She shuddered at the thought. How could something that felt so natural have turned out so badly? She should never have climbed into bed with him the night before. The thing that hurt so badly she could barely breathe was that it had been the first time in her whole life where she’d felt like she was right where she belonged.
The tense set of her shoulders eased as soon as she stepped into the ranch house kitchen. It hadn’t been updated since the early nineties, but as far as she was concerned it was perfect. Warm and inviting and worn in all the right places. Nothing looked like it shouldn’t be touched and enjoyed.
Two women who looked strikingly similar were seated at the table. They both offered her grins that were identical to Jessie’s. She gestured to them. “These are my girls, Natalie and Holly. Their better halves are hashing something out about one of Natalie and Aaron’s foster kids, down at Dec’s office, so I’m making them hang out with me until they get back.”
Natalie chuckled. “We love hanging out with you, Mama.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Charlie replied automatically. The name Holly ricocheted through her head and the shame sharpened its claws and took swipes through her belly. Holly was
the therapist Jamie had mentioned. Charlie’s only prayer was that her husband hadn’t had time to fill her in on everything that had come out of Jamie’s mouth.
“You’re the runaway bride, right?” Holly beamed at her, like they were suddenly the best of friends.
Charlie took a slight step back. How did the day before feel like it had been a month ago? “Yeah. I guess I am.”
“Good for you,” Holly nodded. “I like a woman who knows what she wants and what she doesn’t.”
“It would’ve been better if I’d figured out what I didn’t want a little earlier.”
The three Camden women all laughed. Holly waved that off. “Nah, you went out in style. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we all need to make a statement.” She certainly didn’t act like her husband had said anything about Charlie, but maybe she was just good at covering.
Despite her adamant resistance, Charlie kind of liked Holly. Dangit. This staying mad thing wasn’t going to get easier if she ended up confessing anything to her new acquaintances.
“Charlie’s getaway ride is being a man,” Jessie told her daughters.
They both nodded in solidarity. “Idiots. They can’t seem to help themselves,” Holly said.
“I don’t think he meant to be so stupid,” spilled from Charlie’s lips before she could stop it. Great. Now she was defending him, but Jamie was so much more than a getaway ride to her. He was…everything.
“Most of ‘em don’t mean to,” Jessie assured her, “they just can’t stop themselves before they do something dumber than a pile of manure.”
Jamie had paced the length of that tiny cottage until the walls were officially closing in. Then he’d gone outside to walk the yard. He had to fix this. He just didn’t know how. He’d figured she’d be a little pissed that he talked to Dec, but that she’d at least hear him out. Girl was almost always sensible, but sometimes she showed off all of her red-headed stubborn. When it wasn’t directed at him, he thought it was sexy as sin. But when it was, it took him out at the knees.