by Susanna Carr
“I felt...” He stopped and gathered all the courage he had. “I felt that if you knew all about me, saw the real me, you would leave.”
“Okay, that’s kind of what you said before. I’m not really sure where this is heading.” She sat down on the sofa. “Is there something you’ve done in your past that I should know about?”
“No.” He crossed his arms tightly. “It’s about the personal stuff I was going through when we were together. You suggested moving in and that—”
“Scared you off, I know.” She leaned back into the sofa and crossed her legs. “You didn’t want to make that kind of commitment.”
“No, you’re wrong. I wanted to make a commitment.” When she had made the suggestion, he wanted to instantly agree before she would have changed her mind. “But I didn’t want to make the mistakes I’d made in the past.”
He saw the hurt and surprise flash in her eyes. She pressed her lips together. “You lived with someone before me?”
“No, I didn’t want to before. I’m not easy to live with. I never have been.” He made a face. That was an understatement. He had chosen not to live with anyone, not even a roommate when he was younger, because he knew they would grow to resent and hate him. He hadn’t been interested in living with a girlfriend until he met Angie.
She made him want things he told himself he couldn’t have. She showed him a world that sounded almost too good to be true. He knew it wouldn’t last. He would ruin it just like he always did.
“I wanted...” He paused and tried again. “I wanted to know where I went wrong before I moved in with you. In the past, I had pushed away the people I love. Like my parents.”
Angie frowned. “So, what did you do?”
“I tracked them down.” It had been incredibly easy. They weren’t trying to hide. Not from the government or the rest of the world. Their goal was simple: they wanted to be rid of him.
“Your parents?” She glanced at the family dinner picture on his wall and then back at him. “How long had it been since you’d seen them?”
“Fifteen years.” He looked at the floor as he remembered that horrible day. He usually tried not to think about it, or relive that sense of absolute rejection and fear. “One day I had returned home from school and they were gone.”
She blinked and leaned forward. “I’m sorry, what?”
“My mom and my stepdad had left me.” He rubbed the back of his neck as he felt the heat flood his skin. “There was no note or any contact information. They had taken all their stuff and took off while I was at school.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I don’t understand.”
“I wasn’t a runaway, Angie,” he said gruffly as he felt the dark emotions welling up inside him. “I was a throwaway. They kicked me out of the family because they didn’t want me. They left and started another life.”
She stared at him. “What did you do? How did you survive?”
“My friends helped me a lot. But there were nights when I had to live on the streets. I kept going to school because it was warm and I could get a meal. It took a while before I got enough jobs and could support myself.”
“Why would your parents leave?”
“My stepfather and I always fought. He was bigger than me and would hit me often. One day he hit me and I hit back hard.” His mouth twisted as he remembered how powerful he had felt. He had believed that his stepfather couldn’t hurt him anymore. How wrong he had been. “The next day my parents were gone.”
“It’s taken you this long to track your mom?”
“No.” He went and sat next to Angie on the sofa. He felt weary and old. Thinking about that time in his life always dragged him down. “I found out her information a long time ago but I didn’t go searching for them. And they definitely weren’t interested in looking for me.”
“They told you that?” she asked, clearly horrified.
“They didn’t have to.” He saw it in their faces when he found them. They asked no questions about him or his life. They just wanted him gone. “But when you talked about moving in, I knew I had to find them and answer some questions.”
“Did they give you any answers?”
“No.” He regretted looking for his mom and stepfather.
Angie was quiet for a few minutes before asking, “Where do they live?”
“Across the country. Virginia.” He shifted as the image of his mom’s new home bloomed in his mind. It was tiny but well-loved. It was a house he would have been grateful to grow up in. “They’re doing better than when I lived with them.”
“I can’t believe your parents didn’t look after you.” Angie curled in closer. She wrapped her arm around his chest. “They messed up. Not you. What mother would do that?”
“My mother never wanted me. I was an accident.” She had ranted about it so many times. How his biological father abandoned them when she got pregnant. How no man wanted her because he was part of the package. How he had better not mess it up with his stepfather. “I was a mistake that changed the course of her life.”
“You’re not a mistake.” Angie leaned her head against his shoulder. “When your parents left you to fend for yourself? That’s a mistake. That’s a crime.”
“I survived.” Barely. There were times when he wanted to give up, but pride kept him going. He had been determined to show his parents that he could take care of himself. He had carried the fantasy that his parents would eventually come crawling back to him begging for forgiveness.
“Why didn’t you tell me when you found them?” Angie asked. “You didn’t need to keep it a secret.”
“All this time I thought they were incapable of loving anyone. But I was wrong. They were incapable of loving me. There was something wrong with me.”
She pressed her hand against his chest. “That’s not true. Don’t ever think that.”
“It is true. I know because when I tracked them down, my mother was still married to my stepfather. They were happy and doing well.” The pain tightened his throat and it hurt to tell the rest of the story. “And they had more children.”
She lifted her head. “No.”
“Two girls, not yet teenagers.” It had been a jarring discovery when he met his half sisters. He had been devastated. “My mom and stepfather take good care of them and are very involved parents.”
And if their desertion had been the wound, seeing his parents transform into good parents had been the twist of the knife. It was as if they wanted to start from scratch instead of a do-over. They were able to give those girls a secure and stable home life. Why couldn’t they have done it for him when he needed it the most?
“Oh, my God.” Angie’s eyes held of sheen of tears. “What did your mom say when you found her? Was she ashamed of what she did?”
“No.” By the time he had realized that, he had been numb. “She had to make a decision between my stepfather and me. She picked him and she doesn’t regret it. And she made it very clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
* * *
ANGIE DIDN’T KNOW how long she sat with Cole as they held each other. She wished she could do something to take the pain away. She wanted him to know that he was loved, but she knew he wouldn’t believe her.
She gave him a light punch on his shoulder. “You should have told me.”
He reached up and covered his hand over hers. “It’s difficult to talk about it. My friends’ parents would let me stay for a while but they were suspicious. People looked at me differently when they learned the truth. They wanted to know what horrible thing I did to cause my parents to leave. I was a lot of trouble. I wasn’t an easy child to love.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re still taking the blame for what they did?” What kind of mind games did they play on Cole? The anger boiled inside her. “You should have taken me with you. We had been partners. We were in this together.”
He squeezed her hands. “I didn’t know what I was going to face.”
“So you went alon
e to protect me?” That shouldn’t surprise her. He made decisions, dealt with problems and took actions by himself. “Don’t do that again.”
“Again?” he asked in a teasing tone. “I thought you were done with me.”
“Stop throwing my words back at me,” she said in a grumble. “I can’t believe they left you alone to fend for yourself. That is not acceptable. It’s a good thing I didn’t meet them or I would have kicked their asses.” She glared at Cole when he smiled. “What? This isn’t a laughing matter.”
“I love seeing this side of you. It’s sweet.”
“Sweet?” She didn’t feel sweet. She was enraged and there was nothing she could do about it. She couldn’t shield Cole from the hurt his family had caused him. “You should have told me.”
“It’s not easy to share. I was ashamed. I still feel like there’s something wrong with me. Something...”
Unloveable. She pressed a kiss on his cheek. “You shouldn’t be.”
He looked away. “You don’t know my mom’s side of this.”
She cupped his face and looked into his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I know who you are. I know what kind of man you’ve become. I will always be on your side.” She touched her lips to his. “Thank you for telling me. It explains a couple of things.”
Cole winced. “Like what?”
“Your interest in finding missing persons, the pictures in this office.” His inability to commit, she added silently. He wanted to, but there was no way he would overcome his family’s desertion.
“I don’t like the sound of that,” Cole said.
Angie realized that he was feeling exposed. He was a loner who felt more comfortable in the shadows. She awkwardly patted his shoulder and moved to get up. “I should go now.”
“Stay.” The one word sounded more like a plea than a command. His hands were still on her back but she could easily leave.
She wanted to stay. She loved him—always had, always would—but it wasn’t right. She should get up and go before she got too attached again.
“Please,” he whispered as he brushed his mouth against hers.
She’d stay, Angie decided as she leaned into him and kissed him. She wanted him for one night. She wanted everything and was willing to take the risk. Starting now.
As she kissed him softly, Angie felt an overwhelming need to touch him. Caress his chest and hug him. Hold his hand and take away his pain. She wanted to protect him and show him love. But a part of her knew that kind of slow intimacy would scare off Cole.
Her lips clung to his before Cole pulled way. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected when he opened his eyes. His vulnerability tore at her. She knew he was wary of her. He was unsure of what her kiss meant.
She kissed him again, pouring everything she felt into it. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him. That she wanted to be with him, share the good and the bad. But he wasn’t ready to hear that. He may never be.
Cole moaned and broke off the kiss. “Wait a second,” he said as he held her an arm’s length away. “Just a few minutes ago you thought this was a mistake. That I was a mistake.”
Angie pulled at the front of his shirt and drew him closer. “I was wrong.” She never should have used the word mistake. It brought up bad memories and deep insecurities.
“All of a sudden you’re wrong?” he asked as he lowered her down on the sofa and lay on top of her.
“Because now I understand,” she said as she tilted her hips, cradling Cole against her. She understood what drove him away. Now she knew he had been betrayed by his loved ones.
She also knew he was very private, but now she had a reason why he felt safer alone. She wanted him to know that not only was he safe with her, but she would also protect him and give him strength by being at his side.
Cole slid his hand over her bare leg and pulled off her shoe. He tossed it across the room and the other shoe followed. Angie wrapped her legs tightly around his waist. She held him close as she trailed a string of hard, fast kisses along his throat. She smiled when she felt the rumble of a growl against her mouth.
Cole hiked her skirt up and placed his hand between her legs. He stilled. “Are you completely naked under this dress?” he asked hoarsely.
“Yes,” she said. His touch felt incredible. She wanted more.
“It’s a good thing I didn’t know that until now. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate before.” He stroked her and Angie shivered with delight.
She moaned as the anticipation built. Cole always knew just how to tease her, dipping his finger into her wet heat before withdrawing completely. And doing it over and over until she writhed underneath him. “Please, Cole.”
He didn’t follow her request. Instead, Cole slipped off the sofa and placed her feet on the floor. For a moment Angie thought he was ending this before it started. She reached out for him just as he kneeled between her legs. Her stomach tightened with excitement as he splayed her legs and placed his mouth on her sex.
Angie bucked her hips at the first flip of his tongue. She gripped the back of his head, her fingers winding through his hair, as he pleasured her. She wanted to hold on to this moment, but this night was supposed to be for him. She meant to show him love but got caught up in the sensations that only Cole could provide.
“You shouldn’t,” she murmured as she gently lifted her hips. Angie gasped when his tongue touched her clit.
“I want to,” he said against her skin. “Let me.”
She reluctantly let go of his hair. Angie gave a keening cry as he explored her with his mouth and fingertips. The hot need pulled deep in her pelvis, growing stronger.
Her climax came suddenly, pulsing hard through her body. It stole her breath as her skin went hot. Angie tightened her legs against Cole as she clutched his head. She rode out the wicked pleasure before sagging against the sofa.
She was aware of Cole taking off her clothes. She was limp and spent, her mind buzzing, as Cole tugged the snug outfit off of her. Her small breasts swung freely as he discarded the dress. She reached for him, their fingers colliding as they pulled at his shirt.
Their uneven breaths and the rustle of clothing were the only sounds in the room. The rush of blood pounded in her ears as Cole stood before her naked. She slowly licked her lips as she stared.
He was magnificently masculine, from his broad shoulders and wide chest to his powerful thighs and thick penis. Angie’s core clenched as she noticed his arousal. His skin was flushed and his muscles were trembling with barely leashed restraint. Cole was ready to pounce.
He reached for her, his hands firm but urgent, and he laid her down on the floor. She felt the crumpled dress and the soft carpet underneath her spine. Cole was on his knees in front of her, his hands caressing her breasts, resting at her hips. She felt the nervous flutter of excitement as he surged into her.
“Hold on to me,” he said roughly.
She pressed her body against him, acutely aware of their differences. His hard chest ground into her soft breasts. His movements were rushed and urgent while her hands lingered on his heated skin. She moved beneath him, yielding to his demanding thrusts.
Angie curled her arms and legs around Cole. She burrowed her head into his neck as he drove into her. She felt his desperation. The wildness poured through him. Cole let out a hoarse cry as he pulsed in her. He thrust one last time before he sank onto her.
Angie welcomed his weight and his heat. She welcomed him back into her heart. And this time, she wouldn’t let him go.
13
ANGIE WOKE UP with a start. She looked around, her heart pounding. The room was shadowy and quiet. It took her a second to realize that she was in Cole’s office. She was on the sofa with a soft fleece tucked around her.
She noticed her dress was lying still crumpled on the floor next to her heels. Cole’s clothes were gone. “Cole?” she called out. She waited but there was no response.
Slowly sitting up, Angie glanced at the windows. The shades were pu
lled down but she could tell by the shadows that it was wet and gloomy outside. She looked at the clock in the office and saw that it was early morning.
Where was Cole? She glanced at the closed door. It felt wrong waking up alone. She was used to rising in the early morning with him. They took their time getting out of bed, unwilling to break apart.
Don’t think about that. That is in the past, Angie reminded herself. And she wouldn’t read in to Cole’s absence, either. It wasn’t a big deal.
She wiggled into the bandage dress. Great, she thought as she combed her hair with her fingers. She stayed out all night the one time she wears a dress and heels. Now she gets to do the walk of shame.
I’ve done nothing to be ashamed about, Angie thought as she scooped up her shoes. She made love to Cole because she wanted to. She loved him and she wanted to be with him. Last night she felt closer to him than ever before.
Damn. She was still in love with him. She had been prepared to break it off because he wouldn’t let her get close. But last night gave her hope. He opened up and trusted her with his most painful secret.
Angie looked at the framed print of the family dinner and shook her head. She couldn’t imagine what Cole went through. She wanted to take that pain away and carry it for him. But the only thing she could do was offer him understanding and patience.
She wasn’t sure what her next move should be. Angie suspected that Cole would feel awkward with her. He’d revealed something he clearly wasn’t comfortable sharing. Nothing she said to him would make him believe he wasn’t responsible for his parents’ desertion. He’d left her a year ago because he thought it had only been a matter of time before she was going to leave him.
And she almost did last night. He knew it, too. Otherwise he wouldn’t have told her about his past. She knew she had to show him that she wasn’t going to leave. Not now, not when she finally understood why he was so private and why he kept pushing her away. He was waiting for her to see him as too much trouble and break up with him.
She strode into the waiting room barefoot just as she heard the key in the lock. Angie’s heart leaped and she smiled when Cole entered the office carrying two cups of coffee.