‘I don’t know why, but what you said earlier bothered me. That Mother left her car. She never goes anywhere without her car. Especially when she goes somewhere far away.’
I shoved my hands in my pockets and looked down at my feet. So what?
‘So I went downstairs to see if I could find anything in the car.’
My chest was tight. I suddenly felt cold, dark and lonely. I had a hunch that I’d arrived at that very moment I’d been dreading.
‘And I found Auntie’s car next to Mother’s.’
I felt him looking at me. I heard him take in a deep breath and let it out. When did he go to the basement? When did he come back? I hadn’t heard him open the front door. Was it when I was burning the journal on the roof?
‘I thought it was weird that they would both leave their cars in the garage and go somewhere. It’s too strange to be a coincidence, right? But for some reason I didn’t want to follow it up, so I worked on my film, cleaned my room, stuff like that. Then I went into Mother’s room.’
My brain whirred. I could make up some kind of excuse. Auntie had gone to meet someone, and since it was late and they were having drinks, she left the car here. She’d said she’d be back late but she hadn’t come back at all, and whatever she’d done with whoever it was last night wasn’t any of my business.
‘In the cupboard, in one of Mother’s suitcases, I found Auntie’s handbag and shoes. I don’t get it. Why would Auntie’s things be there when she supposedly left yesterday afternoon?’ Hae-jin rubbed his palms on his thighs. ‘I suppose Mother could have gone on a trip without her wallet or car, and Auntie could have left her things and gone home barefoot, and you could have decided for the first time ever to lock Mother’s bedroom door.’ He got up and stood in front of me, his hands shoved in his pockets. His brown eyes looked hard as they stared me down. He was impatient, suspicious, angry, disbelieving, wishing for something else. ‘But no matter what, I couldn’t stop imagining the worst.’
I sensed what would come next. I was screaming in my head, Stop. Stop there. Just shut up.
‘I thought… I thought maybe something had happened in Mother’s bed, because when Auntie called me yesterday, she said she was lying on Mother’s bed because she was tired.’
I wanted to close my eyes. I felt as though I was falling. Why didn’t you wait a little longer? Why couldn’t you have waited until I left? I was making a plan to leave too. That would have been good for both of us. You wouldn’t have had to speak about these things, and I could have left safely, believing that you were still on my side.
‘So I looked under the covers. The rest – well, you explain.’
We stared at each other, not saying a word. He refused to back down, defiant. It felt tense in the room, as though everything could come tumbling down around us.
I felt dizzy. How would I start the story? What should I say? I couldn’t excuse my actions rationally and logically, and I honestly couldn’t decide what my attitude should be. Losing his trust was worse than killing someone.
Hae-jin swallowed. He looked fearful and expectant, as though he was hoping he’d misunderstood everything; that I would say, No, you have it all wrong. I gritted my teeth so I wouldn’t say that. I didn’t want to be a coward.
‘Sit down. It’s a long story.’ My voice was unexpectedly calm and cool.
Hae-jin shook his head, crossing his arms.
‘Two days ago…’ I started.
Hae-jin’s eyes slowly scanned mine as though they were as vast as the solar system.
‘… I woke up smelling blood.’
Hae-jin didn’t say a word in the two hours it took me to tell him everything. He seemed not even to take a breath. He stood like a statue, looking at me so that I couldn’t hide behind lies or rationalisations. But I didn’t even want to make myself look better. I didn’t want to minimise the situation, deceive him, get him to pity me or try to wriggle out of this. I just did my best to clearly explain what had happened over the last few days. I tried not to say what I wanted to say, but only what I had to say. I suppressed the desire to argue, excuse or deny. I couldn’t say I was completely honest, but I was more honest than I had been in a long time. ‘I still feel like I’m living a nightmare,’ I concluded.
Hae-jin’s eyes changed every moment; they were burning, then cold, then dark. I stopped talking. I didn’t want to keep explaining myself or ask for his understanding or bring up our friendship. The silence between us continued for a long time, thick and impenetrable. It made me feel suffocated. It was a harsh, terrifying silence, the kind where all you can do is wait for it to pass. Despair began to seep into me. I’d hoped that he would stand by my side no matter what anyone else said, no matter what I did. I kept waiting. He had to say something. Even if it was something like: Okay, or: You piece of shit, I wish you were dead. Then I could leave and go on my way.
He walked past me and stopped in front of the sliding doors to the roof deck.
Even though I knew there was no use pleading with him, I reached out and grabbed his elbow. ‘Can’t you look later? After I leave?’
He shook me off. Or rather, he shuddered. He glanced back at me, his eyes revealing his disgust clearly. A chill descended over my body, and my arms and legs stiffened. Hae-jin opened the door. My stomach dropped as he stepped outside. I had the urge to dash out of the room. What are you waiting for? I thought. Just leave.
‘Stay right there,’ ordered Hae-jin, his voice trembling.
Outside, darkness had fallen. He walked quickly across the roof deck and paused in front of the rubber bin. He snatched off the lid, almost angrily. The gasp he let out reached my ears. The lid fell out of his hand and clattered to the ground.
I thought of Auntie sitting in the bin. Her cheek would be on her knees, and her eyes would be closed, as though she were sleeping; I’d pressed those eyelids down so that her judgemental stare would never look at anyone again.
Hae-jin turned away, looking pale. He hesitated, afraid to check on the next thing. I wanted to yell, Stop! If he hadn’t gone straight to the pergola, I might have run out to block his way and ask whether he really had to do this.
He pushed the tabletop open. I thought back to the morning I’d found Mother’s body in the living room, that moment of shock when my feet seemed to slip out from under me, when everything turned dark and I couldn’t move. I remembered how I’d spent all that time kneeling beside her, waiting for a light to turn on inside my dark head so that I would be able to do something, anything. Hae-jin seemed to be going through each of those moments in a similar sequence; maybe he was hearing his own screams exploding inside his head, thinking it all had to be a bad dream.
He stood in front of the table under the pergola, shuddering as though he were standing on top of a truck hurtling at full speed. I could read his devastation even though his back was facing me and I was watching from inside my room. I didn’t move, still perched on my desk. I couldn’t do anything but wait, though it made me feel as though I couldn’t breathe. I had tried my best but I was free-falling into hell. And at the very bottom was a small boy who above all else wanted to be understood, whining futilely, But you’re on my side, right?
By the time he turned round to face me, my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I didn’t know why I was sitting there looking at him so desperately. What, specifically, was I waiting for?
He stepped back into my room and closed the sliding door behind him. His eyes were not focused on anything and he didn’t look dazed or angry. He certainly didn’t appear to be sad. I’m sure he didn’t know what to do, but shouldn’t he say something to the person he had just ordered to stay put?
‘I’m going to leave now,’ I announced.
Hae-jin finally looked at me in shock. ‘You’re going to leave?’ His jaw tensed and I imagined him thinking, Who says you can, and where do you think you’re going to go?
‘Look after yourself, Hae-jin.’ I stuck my hand out.
His gaze went
down to my hand and came up to my face again. I could hear him breathing loudly. His eyes seemed to be getting wider and his face was turning red. I remembered seeing eyes like this before, not Hae-jin’s, but Mother’s, two nights ago. You… You, Yu-jin… You don’t deserve to live.
I lowered my eyes and nodded to indicate that I understood. Mother had been Hae-jin’s saviour, someone who’d welcomed him after he’d become an orphan and loved him for the last ten years. After two days of confusion, he’d finally seen the corpse of the woman he considered his mother. Of course he was shocked. I got that it would be hard for him to understand me at this moment.
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Let’s not do this. I’m just —’
His fist slammed into the side of my face, with all his weight behind it. I heard a loud bang inside my ear and my chin was jerked to the side. I staggered.
‘Look after yourself?’ He punched me in the chest. I felt as though my ribs were collapsing. A groan erupted from my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I hugged my chest and bent forward. A sharp, heavy pain radiated up the side of my body and my back. ‘Look after yourself?’ Hae-jin’s voice was brimming with rage.
I managed to look up at him. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t make any noise. The third punch caught me in the throat. Sourness spurted up into my mouth. The world twirled below my feet. I fell over.
Hae-jin launched himself on top of me. ‘Is that really what you’re going to say to me, you bastard?’
Punches poured in from all directions. My left cheek, right cheek, eyes, nose, lips, chin. The punches were frenzied and fearless. My eyes swelled instantly. I couldn’t see anything. Warm blood covered my whole face. My teeth felt loose. I let go. I lay down and didn’t resist or defend myself. I gave myself over, letting him hit me as much as he wanted to. My thoughts slowed as he punched. My anxiety subsided. Everything was fucked up, but I felt strangely relieved. It almost felt like penance after a difficult confession.
‘How can you say that to me, you bastard?’ He grabbed me by the front of my shirt and shook me violently. My ears buzzed. I was dizzy. His face became faint and formless. I realised he was crying. His mouth was twisted, his eyes were red, and he was letting out guttural sobs. ‘Why did you do this? What made you do it? What are you going to do, you fucking piece of shit?’
I gritted my teeth. Hae-jin had been a brother to me. The one who had given me the freedom to be who I was. The only one.
He was sobbing harder, ‘Your life… you…’ He threw me aside and collapsed.
I was the one who was pummelled, but he was the one who was spent. He lay on his back, his limbs askew. I closed my eyes. Listening to him, I thought about his question: What are you going to do? I wanted to believe that these sobs, which were more wretched than when his grandfather died, were for me.
I swallowed the blood that had pooled in my mouth. The smell of it filled the air. My heart began to tick. It was dark outside. The snow was getting heavier, and delicate flakes were sticking to the sliding door, but it was quiet except for Hae-jin’s weeping. We both lay there and soon Hae-jin grew still.
The living room clock broke the long silence. Once, twice… six times.
Hae-jin sat up. ‘Get up. I have something to say.’
I raised myself. Blood covered the floor.
Hae-jin got up and handed me some tissues. His hair was drenched in sweat, like he had just run a marathon. I was soaked in blood. It wasn’t fair, but that was okay. This was fine. I obediently took the tissues and shoved them against my nostrils.
‘I’m going to give you two hours,’ Hae-jin said.
I looked at him with shock.
‘Have a shower, get a grip on yourself, and come downstairs by eight.’
I faced him. What did he mean, get a grip on myself? What was he planning?
‘I want you to tell the police.’
My ears rang, just the way they had when the pebble hit me sixteen years ago, as if my head had been smashed in.
‘That’s the only way,’ Hae-jin said.
I looked at him. His eyes were still teary. Weren’t those tears for me? Wasn’t he wailing for me? Didn’t he beat me up because he was so frustrated with me? Or had I misunderstood?
‘That’s the only way we can sort this out.’
What was he going to do? How could we possibly sort it out? Find a lawyer? Beg for a reduced sentence by confessing? Would he send me packages until I died of old age in prison?
‘You’ll get caught if you run.’
I knew that. Of course I knew that. But I wanted to forge my own path. ‘All I need is for you to do nothing,’ I tried. ‘If you could look the other way, just for one day…’
‘If you leave, I’m going to call the police.’ Hae-jin’s voice grew cold.
I tried to get up.
‘You can’t sneak out, either,’ he warned. ‘I’ll be by the front door and the dog will start barking if you go out through the roof.’ He held out his hand. ‘Give me the razor.’
Laughter almost escaped. Why did he want the razor? Was he afraid I’d cut his throat? There were tons of things I could cut his throat with: the saw on the roof, Mother’s beloved chef’s knives hanging in the kitchen. I could break his neck with my bare hands if I wanted to. Did he think this was easy because I’d let him hit me a few times? I threw the tissues across the room and wiped the stream of blood with the back of my hand. I opened the drawer and held out the razor. I sensed him hesitating.
‘Two hours. I’m not waiting more than that.’ His voice was low and steely. This was a new side to him, but it wasn’t unfamiliar; it was just as if Hae-jin were possessed by Mother.
‘You mean this?’ I asked helplessly.
‘I do.’ He was serious. He put the razor in his pocket and left my room, his heavy footsteps disappearing downstairs.
My legs gave way and I crumpled to the floor. I leant against my desk. Confess? I didn’t even want to consider it. But I gave up the option of fleeing overseas. It would be hard to sneak out of this neighbourhood, let alone through the airport. Hae-jin, true to his word, would call the police the moment I disappeared. It wasn’t that I’d thought it impossible that he would react this way, but it confused me now that he had. I would consider confessing if that made my life easier, but there was no point if it all ended the same way whether I confessed or was caught.
If there was anything to consider, it was the weight of guilt; not mine, but Hae-jin’s: his guilt that all this had happened without him being able to stop it, his guilt about Mother’s death. I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was trying to deal with it by forcing me to confess. Maybe he’d been seized by a foolish sense of duty or ethics. Or maybe he was so angry at what I’d done that he couldn’t just let me be. I realised that any sympathy he felt towards me would have disappeared as soon as he’d seen Mother and Auntie’s bodies.
In the end, I had to decide: Hae-jin or me? The answer was obvious, but it wasn’t an easy choice. Of course it wasn’t, given my feelings towards Hae-jin. If I got rid of my feelings, it would be as easy as deciding which pair of shoes to put on. The problem was that I wasn’t deciding between different shoes. Hae-jin was purely and wholly an emotional consideration for me. No matter which option I chose, I knew I would regret it until the day I died. I was trapped.
Time trickled by. The clock passed 6.30 and headed to 7. I yanked myself out of the thoughts swimming under the surface of my consciousness. I needed to make a decision.
I stood up. I stopped debating what I should do. A complete picture drew itself in my head, as though it had been planned by my subconscious all along. The only variable I needed to keep in mind was the patrol car that circled the neighbourhood regularly.
First I picked out the stuff I needed to throw away – Mother’s mobile phone and credit card, the pearl earring and my roof key. I put on latex gloves and rubbed the fingerprints off each item with a tissue. Next I grabbed the Private Lesson jacket from the wardrobe and pushed them al
l into the pockets. I took that outside and shoved it into the pergola table. I grabbed a towel and wiped the fingerprints from the outside tap and the bin, then tossed the towel and gloves in the barbecue and set them on fire.
When I got back to my room, the clock indicated 7.47. I had to hurry. I took out two 50,000-won bills I’d hidden in my bookcase for emergencies, along with Mother’s car key. I pulled on loose jogging bottoms and a checked shirt, though I didn’t fasten the buttons around the wrists. I heard the doorbell ring downstairs. I paused. I heard Hae-jin’s footsteps going to the front door, then heard the door open. My mobile began to ring. I answered. ‘Come downstairs,’ Hae-jin said quietly.
Hae-jin was leaning against Mother’s door, his arms crossed, watching me descend the stairs. Only when I got to the bottom step did I realise that there were two other people in the flat – the two detectives who had visited yesterday, sitting side by side on the couch. I paused awkwardly, one foot on the last step and the other on the ground. In my head I was searching for the quickest escape route; I could run upstairs, slip out the roof door… but there might be twice as many policemen outside, surrounding the block.
Panic began to spread in my stomach. I was dizzy. I hadn’t ever imagined this scenario. I would be handcuffed and dragged out in front of everyone before I’d had a chance to work something out. I looked at Hae-jin from under my swollen eyelids. How could he have done this to me? After promising he’d wait. It wasn’t even eight yet.
Hae-jin glanced at the island, as though to tell me to go there. The two detectives stared at me and then at Hae-jin. Probably because I had been beaten to within an inch of my life. It must have looked even more gruesome because I hadn’t washed the blood off yet. It was obvious who must have done it, unless I’d gone crazy and tried to beat myself up. I was embarrassed. If I turned and ran away now, I would be a wimp and a coward. And when I inevitably got caught, I would be a wimp and a coward and an idiot who didn’t even know how to flee.
The Good Son Page 23