by M. R. Joseph
I look up at Mack’s tall, lean figure, and even though it’s dark, his eyes appear prismatic by way of the moonlight. But I hate him, and there’s no way he’s going to look at me and expect I’ll forgive him for being so rotten to me.
“You’re such a smartass, but whatever. Just answer me, Corrine. Why are you sitting out here in the dark, by yourself, crying and drinking? Where’s Will?”
I mumble. “Will went home.”
Mack holds his chin in his hand and looks like he’s thinking deeply. “And why is that?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m not his type.” I leave it at that. I’m not breaking Will’s trust and telling Mack he’s gay. I don’t play that way.
Mack pulls up a lone chair next to me and invites himself to my pity party.
“I could have told you that, Rinny.”
My face flushes and I narrow my eyes at him. Then I think about it.
Mack knew. He knew all along. He’s probably always known. Mack is a vault. Once something is said and asked to remain a secret, that’s exactly how it’s kept. Even if Will didn’t tell him—which I doubt he did—Mack had his suspicions.
“And you let me continue to go out with him and kiss him.” He lets a sound of astonishment out.
“Yep. It was actually kind of fun to watch you two hang all over each other.” I punch him in the arm and stand up.
“I hate you, Mack. I really hate you. How could you let me do that? I couldn’t care less if we weren’t talking. You allowed me to make an ass out of myself. Do you hate me so much that you thought it would be funny to teach me a lesson? Figure stuff out on my own? Well, it’s not funny. It’s hurtful and deceiving.” I quickly get out of my chair and walk away from him. Not knowing where I’m walking to, but I’m walking. I don’t get far before I’m captured by his arms from behind. I struggle, but he’s not letting go. My tears come out in buckets, and the more I try to get out of his hold, the more I cry and the tighter his arms go around me.
“Let go of me, Mack. You made me look like such a fool. I hate you so much. I hate you. I hate you.” As I sob, I become weaker. I feel my body ease up, and I stop fighting and just cry. I continue telling him I hate him.
I feel Mack’s breath on my neck as he rests his chin on my shoulder and he whispers in my ear, “You don’t hate me, Rinny, and I could never hurt you on purpose. I could never be that cruel. I could never hate you. Never, ever.”
I let him hold me from behind. Although the night air is warm from the summer’s heat, I shiver.
“Why, Mack? Why can’t it just be easy?”
“Why can’t what be easy, Rinny?”
“I just want someone to pay attention to me for me. Am I that repulsive that guys either have to drug me to have sex with me or use me to figure out if they like girls? I can’t win.”
Mack lets go and turns me around. I can’t look up at him. I can’t look him in the eye. He knows this but forces my chin upwards anyway so I can look at him.
“Come with me.” Nothing more is said as he takes my hand and leads me across the path of our homes to his house. We go in, walk up the stairs to Mack’s room, and he instructs me to lie down. I do it reluctantly, just thinking that this is something we do anyway. We always lie on each other’s beds and look up at the faded and peeling glow-in-the-dark stars and simply talk.
Mack shuts his door, grabs a box of tissues from his bathroom, and hands the box to me. No lights are on except from the small nightlight coming from the bathroom on the other side of the room. I feel the other side of the bed dip down as Mack lies down next to me. I wipe my nose with a tissue and let out an exhausted sigh.
“We leave in a week,” Mack says in a low tone.
“Yeah. We won’t be doing this again for a long time.”
“True. At least till Thanksgiving.”
“I mean we will, but it won’t be the same, will it?”
I feel him shift on the bed, and I look over at him as he props up on his elbow and rests his head on his hand. He looks at me with a somber smile.
“Nope. For a number of reasons.”
I put down the tissues and take the same position as him.
“What kind of reasons?”
With only inches to spare between the two of us, Mack reaches his hand behind my head and draws my face to his. I have no time to react. Our lips meet softly only for a few seconds, and I pull away just as gently as when his touched mine. Stunned is an understatement.
“Mack? What … what are you doing?”
“I’m kissing you, Corrine. What does it look like I’m doing?”
“What? Why?” I sit up a bit with my back against his headboard.
“Rinny, when a guy wants to kiss you, you don’t ask why, you just let him.”
I shake my head, because for one, why does Mack want to kiss me? And two … why does Mack want to kiss me?
I laugh right at him. “But it’s you wanting to kiss me, Mack. What the hell has gotten into you? Are you drunk? You shouldn’t kiss me. You have Veronica, and I’m sure she’d be less than thrilled if she knew you just kissed me.”
He pulls me down by my legs and rolls me onto my back, lying on top of me.
Looking so intently into my eyes, he brushes stray hairs away from my forehead.
“I don’t give a shit what she thinks, or what she knows. We’re done; it’s over. I’m fine. I don’t care.”
So finally he’s come to his senses.
“I want to be the one, Rinny. Let me be the one.”
He can’t be serious. He can’t mean what I think he means. Not him. He can’t want this with me.
“Mack, you don’t want that, and I don’t want your pity. Don’t make me feel any worse than I already do. Please, Mack, not you.” I swallow my words along with the threatening tears.
Mack doesn’t give me a chance to answer because in an instant, his lips are on me, and his tongue is coaxing my lips to part. Internally, I’m in a battle with my conscience whether or not this is a good idea. This is Mack. Mack is kissing me. His hands are wrapped around my hair. I can smell his breath and the scent of his skin and feel the warmth of his breath on my face.
“Nothing about this is pity, Corrine. Nothing. It’s just about us. Right here, right now. Nothing about this will change us.”
As Mack adjusts himself on top of my body, he maneuvers my knees out to the sides so he fits so perfectly between my legs. Hooking his hands and forearms under my arms, he holds the sides of my face. Looking at me as serious as a heart attack, my nerves begin to get the best of me. My focus is off as I feel between my legs what I should have been feeling from Will tonight but instead the hardness of Mack is felt between my shorts and no, he’s not taking pity on me. He wants this. He wants this for me and for him.
“Let me be the one, Rinny.” His voice so soft and gentle only someone as close as I am to his mouth right now could audibly hear him. “No one knows you better than I do.” My heart palpates and I can feel my palms start to sweat. My hands are on Mack’s shoulders, and I can feel tingles in my toes and in my belly—an unfamiliar flutter.
“This is sex, Rinny. This is between you and me. That’s all this is. Let me be the first because I never want you to forget that it was me.”
How am I supposed to say no to that? How can I when I feel so safe in this moment with Mack? Everything about him is familiar, warm, and comfortable. He’d never hurt me. He wants to do this so I feel safe. He has to know that no matter what I’ll always feel safe with him.
I shut my eyes so tightly I see flashes of white. Hoping that the tighter I keep them closed somehow something in my brain will tell me what to do next. It never comes so I decide with reckless abandonment.
“I would never forget you were the first, Mack. I couldn’t but if you don’t kiss me again, I think I’ll back out and I’m afraid I’d regret that forever. We won’t let it change us, but be the one I’ll always remember.”
And with the third
time since we were almost twelve, Mack Cooper’s lips are on mine, and I open up to him not only with my mouth but with the thoughts of where we are about to go and what we are about to do. Mack’s tongue tangles with mine in a slow, methodical way. Not the typical teenage, sloppy make out session type kissing. This is what I think it’s supposed to be like. I always envisioned when a man and a woman are about to do it, it’s romantic, and gentle, and loving. As Mack kisses me and holds me like he is, I realize it’s pretty close to that. I wouldn’t expect anything less from.
Mack’s lips are soft and so are his hands. I feel lighter than air and my mind is so clear but I’m so dizzy all at the same time.
“Rinny, lift up your shirt and take it off and I’m going to take off mine. Take your bra off too.” I giggle and Mack looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“What the hell is so funny?” I cover my mouth with my hand and stifle my laugh even more until he removes it from me.
“This, Mack. What are we doing? You just told me to take off my bra. Who says that?”
“I am. Don’t be goofy. Just do it.” I shake my head no. Mack grabs the hem of my shirt and lifts it over my head with no forewarning. I’m in my bra—feeling so exposed I cover my chest with my arms. Mack’s not having it. He takes my arms down, places them at my sides, and hooks his fingers under the straps of my bra—sliding them down over my arms. Gingerly, he reaches behind and unhooks my bra. I feel the material spill from my skin, and swallow hard as Mack stares. His eyes are blank. Unreadable.
I roll my eyes at him. “I know I’m not super-boobs like Veronica so don’t make me feel like a flat-chested thirteen-year-old, either.”
When I look back to him his expression has changed. His head drifts back stiffly, then a tentative smile appears on his face.
“I think you’re beautiful, Corrine. You’ve grown into a beautiful woman. You’re not a girl anymore.” I feel heat rise up in my cheeks as his hands go to my breasts and as soon as contact is made, gooseflesh raises up on my skin, and my head falls back slightly.
Mack’s breath is uneven and I hear an inaudible sound come out of his mouth. I’m so afraid to look up at him but I have to. I have to see if touching me is affecting him the way his touch is affecting me. Just a quick glance and his eyes say it all; know it all. It is. His eyes say it all. Our eyes meeting say it all.
Crushing my lips to his, we fall backwards onto the mattress, in a snap our hands are going everywhere, reaching for more clothes to get rid of, and before I know it all that’s between Mack and me right now is flesh. Flesh and bone. Skin contacting with skin. Air from our lungs and heat radiating off our bodies. We are on our knees now holding each other and looking at each other for different responses. Whether verbal or physical.
This is happening. I’m naked with Mack. Mack is going to make love to me. He’s taking my virginity. I’m losing it to Mack, and I think I’m losing my mind as well. He let’s go of me, stretches his lean body over and reaches into his bedside table drawer and pulls out a shiny, foil wrapper. My head falls into my hands, and I bite my lip.
“Jesus, Mack. This is so crazy.”
He takes my hand away from my face, and I watch him rip the foil from the condom wrapper and place it on himself. I watch in astonishment and wonder. I feel a little pervy because I haven’t seen Mack’s penis since we were like six I think when he whipped it out and peed on the beach.
Standing at attention, I squint with one eye looking at it, and Mack smiles and puts his hands out towards it.
“Not sure about how crazy it is. You tell me.”
I laugh. “Nuts, this is nuts. You’re nuts. And then there are your nuts.”
Mack shakes his head. “Smartass.”
He pushes me gently on my chest—urging me to lie back. I do so and he nestles himself between my legs once again. This is the part where I’m about to lose my shit because it’s going to happen.
It.
I begin to hyperventilate, and I’m getting even dizzier. I shut my eyes so tight I can see flashes of light behind my eyelids. Then I feel his hands on my face.
“Open your eyes, Rinny. Open them. Look at me. Look at my eyes.”
As if his voice has magical superpowers, I open them and look at the warmth of them, and I can’t go back to shutting them. I erase my nervousness or Mack’s eyes have taken that away.
“Listen to what I’m going to tell you, Rinny. I’m going to put it in you now. A little at a time. It may hurt at first, but I need you to tell me if it does ‘cause I’ll stop. Immediately, I’ll stop.”
I nod because that’s all I can do.
He touches his lips to mine and then eases back to look at me again.
“You ready?”
“I think so. Go slow, Mack. Please. Please don’t hurt me.”
He brushes a strand of hair from my face and winks and smiles gracefully. “Never, Rinny. Never.”
And just like Mack said, it hurts for a few seconds. He stops when I tense up, then I urge him to continue. He does until I feel full, and my eyes go wide when I realize all of him is inside me. All of Mack is in my body. We’re connected.
He moves so slowly—like a bird soaring in the sky, like water through a brook. He takes his time and the more he moves in me, the better it begins to feel. His face is buried in the crook of my neck. I feel the strength in his upper arms, and he pushes inside me and I raise my hips up slightly to meet each of his tender thrusts.
“Oh God, Corrine. Oh God.”
He stills and mumbles into my skin. “Are you okay? Want me to stop?”
Why would he ask such a thing?
Even though I’m shaking slightly from nerves and my heart pangs against my chest, there’s no way he’s stopping.
“No, keep going. I’m fine. Kiss me, Mack. Kiss me.” He does and I roll my hips, and he grinds into them into a circular motion. There’s nothing but kisses and a sheen of sweat between our bodies, and I feel like I’m that bird flying up so high in the sky. The spot where I always go to when I’m alone starts to pulsate, and I buck my hips up in one swift move as Mack continues to pull all the stops out before I’m crying out his name and spinning into oblivion. He kisses me to silence me, and I cry into his mouth as the relentless coiling in my belly rolls over and over again. Then I feel him tense up and shake, making the same sounds as I am. All the while looking into each other’s eyes. I’m a thousand feet in the air. Drifting there. The bird that was just ascending into the sky is coming down.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Until I reach the earth once again do I come to the awareness that yes, I just lost my virginity to my best friend in the entire world. And despite what Mack Cooper says, what just happened between us will change us because what he just gave to me forever changed me and now there’s zero doubt in my mind—I’m in love with him, and he’ll never know it.
CORRINE ~ PRESENT DAY
Today is just another day where nothing changes except for the pain. I sit in my room in front of my computer, and edit the photos I took a few weeks ago. I look at the ones I took of Haven playing basketball with my dad in the driveway. I sat inside on the porch to avoid the heat because I just can’t take it. They had no idea I was shooting them. I captured Haven making a basket and my dad high-fiving her. I find at another one I took of mom and Jocelyn sitting on the Adirondack chairs, drinking iced tea and cheering on Haven. Jocelyn doesn’t smile too often, like me, so this was a rarity that I snagged such a moment. It was an almost perfect day when the fall leaves were on the ground, but the humidity of the extended summer hung in the air. Our girl was with us. Smiling like her daddy. Happy to be with her family; happy to be a child. Being a child doesn’t include burdens or worriment. I wish I were that carefree. I’m not now. Will I ever be?
The sun shines on my sweet girl’s face in such a way that makes her look even more angelic. Puberty doesn’t seem to be affecting her too much. She doesn’t have any pimples or
anything. Her other grandmother refuses to buy her a training bra so when it was our turn again, I didn’t care. Joce and I took her to the store for one. She needs one. It’s so plain to see, and I would never want her to feel self-conscious about herself or anyone else making her feel that way.
The phone rings and I jump. Of course I do. It’s an undesirable feeling to have not knowing if the conversation will be in your favor or not.
“Hello?”
“Corrine?”
Lizzie. I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Hey there.” The sound of my voice is less than enthusiastic, even if I don’t mean it to sound that way.
Lizzie is always the one besides Mack that doesn’t put up with my shit or let me slip into the darkness of my pain.
“Whelp, sorry, sister, it’s not someone from the New York lottery telling you that you’ve won a billion bucks.”
I smile to myself.
“Hey, sorry. Just haven’t heard much lately so every time the phone rings …”
She cuts me off, “Yeah, I figured. How’s Haven? Pain in the ass Grandmother still filling her head with all that Carrie mother-type, religious shit?”
“Not that she says. Only that she takes her to some preteen abstinence class on the weeks she has her. Not like the kid is going to have sex now. She just got her period a few weeks ago for God’s sake. I told her about the birds and the bees.”
“Yeah, she’s whacked. Drilling that shit into her head. Let her be a goddamn kid.”
As soon as Haven got her period and Grace found out, it’s as though she felt she already sinned and she needs saving. She needs to be rescued from womanhood. She won’t be promiscuous. She won’t be a whore like her mother, and she won’t be a drug addict. Maybe Grace thinks since she couldn’t save Veronica, she can start by prematurely saving Haven. But as long as I breathe, that child will only need to be saved if she’s in need of a breath.
“And how are you feeling? Taking care of yourself, or is Mae doing it all for you?”
“I am. Doing everything I’m supposed to do like a good girl.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that. Listen, I’ll be around visiting my parents next week so can I pick you up for lunch. Just you and me?”