“You got it.”
“That’s my girl.”
* * *
Since it was two on one, we ended up seeing Love Sick, and all the way home Shakes couldn’t stop badgering it for being an awful film.
“All that hugging and kissing and crying, man, you’d think it was something on Lifetime.”
“I dunno, I thought it was pretty good,” I said, beaming a wide smile to egg him on further.
“You would,” he said, shoving me playfully.
We walked down 45th and approached my building. I glanced up and saw the living room light on, and wondered for a moment if my father was home. Of course, wondering that made it feel like there was a big ball of lead in my stomach, so I slowed my pace as we made our way to the front door so they could drop me off.
“You need me to come up?” Angie asked, looking concerned.
I thought about it, but figured it would be okay. My parents knew who I was with tonight, and my dad had seen Angie enough times over the summer that I’m pretty sure he knew our friendship wasn’t a ruse for something more. Or at least, I hoped that’s what he thought. I had no reason to believe otherwise, because with all the hateful things he’d screamed at me lately, not a one had anything to do with her.
“I should be okay,” I said.
We hugged goodbye and they saw me on my way. When I got upstairs mom was sitting on the couch watching TV, and wouldn’t meet my cheerful greeting, let alone ask me if I’d had a good time—something she always did when I came back from seeing Angie.
Immediately my nerves became frazzled and the whole atmosphere around me changed. Something was wrong, but what? I didn’t see dad anywhere, but that didn’t mean anything, and I slowly made my way to my room, where I found him sitting on my bed. The lights were off and my window was open, and I watched for a moment as the curtains feathered in the breeze before noticing he had something in his hand.
Already I wanted to cry at just the thought of what he was going to do to me, and when he started to read from the paper my heart lodged in my throat and my breathing became shallow because I knew that he’d just discovered the truth.
“Her hair is like the softest cloud, and on my arm I wear her proud. When she looks at me my heart explodes, and I can see our path laid out on a winding road. The way I feel—”
“Daddy,” I cried, begging for him to stop, but he just stood up and loomed over me, not taking his eyes off the poem that Nicholas had given me over the summer. A poem I thought I’d hidden safely away. Stupid, Sarah. How stupid can you be?
“The way I feel,” he screamed, “is unlike any other, and other girls hadn’t even bother, for this is the era of my one and only. The era of my girl Sarah.”
He looked at me then. I could see the volcano in him erupting behind his eyes, and watched with dreadful tears as he tore the piece of paper to shreds and let the pieces fall to the ground like they were pieces of my broken heart.
I barely had time to react before he cocked his fist and did something he’d never done before, and when I closed my eyes as my father punched me in the face, the only thing I could think about was Nicholas telling me he’d take care of me.
EIGHT
- Nicholas -
I sat on the couch with Helena watching some cartoon show, but my mind was elsewhere. Mom was at work and I was itching to find out how things were going with Sarah and the gang at the movies. It was killing me not being there, and as much as I wanted to blame it all on Mom, I had no one to be angry with except myself. I was the one who lost control and let that guy’s words get the better of me. I should have known something like that would have repercussions, but when he said those things all I could think about was making sure he never said them again.
And now I was suspended for a week and without my girlfriend. Damn, life is cruel.
Helena laughed and I glanced over at her, smiling. As much of a pain in the ass as she could be sometimes, it was moments like that that make me glad I had a little sister.
Who am I kidding though, right? She was only a pain in the ass some of the time. Most days we got a long pretty well, and lately when I saw her, my mind flashed to images of Sarah, and what it might be like to grow old with her and have a kid of our own someday. Crazy, I know, but when it came to her I could easily see myself popping the question sooner rather than later. I didn’t ever want to be without her. Morning, noon, and night, she was all that mattered in my world. Good grades and college, those things were a given if I could keep my head on straight. What mattered most was getting her out of that place she called home and making a good life for the two of us. Some place far away that didn’t remind her of any of that bad shit she’d been through. Hell, I would’ve move to the North Pole if it made her happy.
Helena, perhaps sensing how distracted I was, slapped me on the knee and told me to cheer up, so I stuck my tongue out at her, and before I knew it we were collapsed in a mess of arms and tickling fingers on the couch, making each other laugh.
Then out of nowhere she asked, “Do you love her?”
Talk about a reality check. When your ten-year-old sister asks you if you love someone, it’s kind of like a slap in the face. The funny things is, I didn’t even have to think twice about it.
“Sarah? Yeah I love her.”
She pinched her face up in mock disgust, and I grabbed for her nose. “Don’t worry,” I said. “One day someone will love you too.”
“Eww, I don’t think so.”
I ruffled her long dark hair and reached for my soda on the coffee table.
“But I like Sarah,” Helena said.
“You do?”
She nodded. “Yeah, she’s cool. It’s like, she gets me, you know?”
“Get’s you? You’re ten, what’s there to get?”
“Stuff. You wouldn’t understand. It’s a girl thing.”
“Oh,” I replied, rolling my eyes.
A commercial came on TV so I asked Helena if she’d like some popcorn, which she said she definitely would, adding, “You should beat up people more often, I kind of like having you around as my slave.”
“Slave, huh? I’ll show you slave!”
I picked her up by the ankles and lifted her into the air, bopping her head on the soft cushions of the couch. She squealed and laughed, begging me to put her down. I hadn’t planned on it any time soon, but when a frantic knocking erupted at the door, I got a sinking feeling in my chest that made me drop my sister and run to answer it.
I threw open the door and standing there was Angie and Shakes, looking like death warmed over. Angie had been crying and her eyes were all red and puffy, and Shakes had this look on his face like…well, like I’d never seen before.
The color drained from my cheeks and my mouth went bone dry. So much so that I had a hard time asking, “What happened?” and it came out hoarse.
Angie stumbled past me and into the apartment, starting to sob. When she saw Helena looking at her, she quickly spun around and tried to compose herself as best she could. Shakes followed her in and I shut the door behind them.
“It’s Sarah,” she said, her voice a trembling mess of nerves. “We dropped her off at her apartment after the movie and everything was fine, but before we could even get off her block we started hearing yelling. Shakes and I made our way back there and heard her dad, he was beating on her, and…” She trailed off in an incoherent mixture of more tears and heavy sobs that sent her chest heaving high into he air. I’d never seen her this upset before, ever, and it was all I could do to stop from grabbing her so she’d finish.
I couldn’t take it. My pulse was racing and it felt like there was a tornado in my stomach. I looked to Shakes for answers and he took off his ball cap and shook his head. “It’s bad, Nicky. She’s in the hospital. We saw them take her away in an ambulance.”
The strength drained from my legs and I leaned against the wall, sliding slowly to the floor as the tears began to fall. I remembered my sister was there and tried
to keep it together, but when it comes to Sarah I have no filter, and even the weight of having to look after Helena while mom was at work wasn’t enough to stop me from losing it.
Angie crouched down and took my head, drawing me close. I clung to her for dear life, bawling into her arm as my sister came over with a severely worried look on her face. “What is it?” she asked. “Did something happen to Mom?”
“No, honey,” Shakes said, taking her by the hand and leading her back into the living room. He knew that Helena and Sarah got along well, so I prayed that he’d break the news gently to her.
“Where is she?” I asked Angie. “Please tell me she’s okay.”
“She’s at St. Vincent’s. I got a chance to ask one of the ambulance driver’s where they were taking her before they sped off. I don’t think her father saw me, or if he did he didn’t pay me no mind. When they wheeled Sarah by I couldn’t see much, just that her eyes looked real swollen and she was bleeding from the nose.”
A deep, guttural moan escaped me that I tried to hide in her arm. Sarah—my Sarah—lying in a hospital bed alone and afraid, all because of her father. I couldn’t leave her like that. I had to go to her, and damn anybody that would try and stop me.
“C’mon,” I said, hauling myself to my feet. “We gotta go.”
“But Nicky, what about your sister?”
I stumbled over to Helena, who had tears in her eyes at the news of Sarah’s tragedy. I hated that she was hurting, but I was in no shape to console her myself.
“Shakes,” I asked. “Will you stay with her until my mom gets off work, then tell her where we are. Don’t tell her what happened yet, just say that Sarah was in an accident.”
“Yeah, sure. You got it, Nicky. Me and Helena, we’ll eat popcorn or something, watch some TV. Right brat?”
I could tell he was trying to please her, but like me, she was inconsolable for the moment.
“You gonna tell your mom the truth?” Angie asked.
I sighed and rubbed my eyes, looking all over for my jacket. “I don’t know. Probably. I mean, there’s no hiding it now, right? C’mon.”
I headed for the door, jacket be damned. It wouldn’t do anything to warm me anyway, because running all through my body were chills like I’d never experienced. A dull numbness that left me feeling empty, with the phrase please be okay, running through my mind over and over. It just wouldn’t stop, and when we got out of the apartment and down to the street, Angie laced her arm through mine, begging the same thing.
* * *
She wasn’t okay. I stood there, a zombie, looking through the window at the girl I loved connected to a mess of tubes and wires. Both her eyes were swollen shut and she had a broken arm which the doctor’s had put in a cast. She was breathing on her own though, a good sign, and I was told that they’d stopped whatever internal bleeding she had and were now keeping her under close observation. She’d be there for a few days.
I couldn’t do anything but stare. Sarah was unrecognizable; her face a canvas of blue and black. Beside me, Angie stood sobbing into a tissue. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. All that kept running through my mind was that first day I’d pulled her out of her apartment and took her to the roof with Shakes. I’ll take care of you, I’d said.
I’ll take care of you.
I’ll take care of you.
I’ll take care of you.
Yeah, that worked out real well. The girl I was supposed to take care of was laid up in a hospital bed. I hadn’t been there to save her; to stop the madness that was her father.
Her father.
My fists clenched tightly together at the thought of him. He’d done this. For whatever stupid reason he’d concocted in his head, he’d beaten the shit out of his little girl and this was the result. Her mother was out in the waiting room, sitting pensively with a rosary in her hand, but him? He was nowhere to be found.
I’d heard the doctors and nurses mumbling something about a fall down the stairs, and though I got the impression that neither of them believed that, I also got the feeling that they weren’t going to do anything about it. The very least they could do is report him for suspected child abuse, but with Sarah’s mom so insistent and convincing that it had been an accident, their hands were tied. There was nothing to back up their suspicions. This was the first time she’d ever been in the hospital, and there was no history of violence in her medical records. So rather than go with their gut, they’d rather believe the mother and pass off all the responsibility that came with the burden of doing what’s right.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a nurse approaching. She wasn’t going to stop, but I wheeled around and asked as politely as I could if I could go in and see Sarah. She took one look at me, at the pain in my eyes and the desperation in my heart—I just had to touch her—and nodded solemnly.
Angie hugged me. Told me she’d be right here when I got back. I thanked her and went into Sarah’s room.
She looked so tiny under the blankets. Her small frame almost skeletal. I pulled a chair over beside her bed and sat down, reaching my fingers out to hers. When I touched them, when I felt the warmth of her body so close, I bowed my head and cried silently to myself.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I wasn’t there. I couldn’t help you. I failed, Sarah. I failed.”
I leaned into the bed, resting my forehead on the mattress beside her broken arm. This girl was my everything. My whole life. Now she couldn’t even hear me. She was doped up on a cocktail of painkillers and antibiotics to bring down the swelling, and there was nothing I could do but just sit there, helplessly looking on and hoping that she managed to pull through without any lasting physical effects.
I don’t know how long I was sitting there for, but when I finally blinked the last of my tears away and sat up with a heavy heart, I looked back over my shoulder to see my mother standing next to Angie. Her heart was breaking, I could see it in her eyes. Join the club, Ma.
I got up, telling Sarah I’d be back for her, and left the room. Mom immediately grabbed me and pulled me into her, holding me close. I cried some more into her shoulder while Angie rubbed my back. Bless them for doing all they could to console me, but what I really needed them to do was pray for Sarah.
“What happened?” Mom asked after a while.
“Not here,” I told her.
Angie stayed with Sarah, and Mom and I walked down the hall a ways to find the small, hospital chapel empty. We walked through the door into a quiet, dimly lit room with beige carpet and ten folding chairs set up for people to pray. Up at the altar there was a wooden cross hanging on the wall, lit by a spotlight from above. To the right were several candles available for people to light in offering to their loved ones. Each of us quietly lit a candle for Sarah and then I collapsed exhausted into one of the chairs. Mom rested her hand on my shoulder, expectantly waiting for me to say something.
I told her everything. Everything from the day I’d first gone to Sarah’s apartment right up until Angie and Shakes knocked on the door with news of what happened tonight. She sat there, horrified, her hand placed over her mouth as she gasped with each story of every beating. Her eyes swelled with tears but I didn’t stop. I spoke and spoke through my own choked sobs, letting it all out, and when I was done it felt like I’d just gone twelve rounds in a boxing ring.
“My God,” mom said, crossing herself. “Nicky, why didn’t you say anything?”
I shook my head. “She told me not to, Ma. I had to respect that. She said if anything happened, if the cops or whomever showed up at her door, there was no telling what her father would do. I didn’t want to cause her anymore harm, you know?”
She understood. She didn’t like it, but she understood. I hated that I’d kept the truth from her for so long, and she must have seen that in my face because she got up and held me close once more, telling me that none of this was my fault.
“We gotta tell someone, Nicky,” she whispered.
I pulled away in
a panic. “No, Ma. Please. We can’t. You saw what he did to her, if anybody finds out who knows what could happen.”
“But she could wind up dead.”
“That’s exactly my point. I don’t want that, Ma. I don’t want her to die.” Just the thought of losing her for good caused me to lose it again, and I held my mother as tight as I could.
She was right, of course. Something had to be done, but it couldn’t be any one of us to do it. Not me, not Ma, Shakes, or Angie. It had to be Sarah. She was the only person who could save herself at this point.
“Just let me talk to her, okay? When she’s better,” I told Mom.
She smoothed out my hair and kissed me on the cheek. “You got it.”
I stayed with Sarah for the rest of the night, and while that normally wasn’t something that was allowed, the nurses let it slide just this once for me. I fell asleep in the chair beside her bed, and when dawn broke and the early morning sun beamed in through the window blinds to awaken me, I thought it had all been a bad dream. Like maybe none of it happened. But when I got my wits about me and looked around, she was still there, still asleep, and still in pain.
I held her hand and looked into her swollen-shut eyes, and for the first time said, “I love you.” Making a promise to myself that I’d never let her go another day without hearing that.
NINE
- Sarah -
Two days later I opened my eyes for the first time and saw Nicholas sitting by the edge of the bed. His head drooped, like he was asleep, so I just stared at him, wondering if he’d been there the entire time. The thought of him never leaving my side made my heart swell up and I started to cry, my fingers twitching and reaching for his. He stirred, hearing me, and when he saw me looking at him he rushed to my side and clutched my hand, squeezing it ever so softly.
I’ll never forget the first words out of his mouth. They were the words we’d both been feeling for so long but never had the courage to say. They rolled off his lips like the sweetest music, and though I’d just opened my eyes and saw him, I couldn’t help but close them again just to soak in the sound of his voice.
Saint Nicholas Page 6