by Leaona Luxx
“You’ve been holding out,” I say, slapping my brother on the arm as we watch Walker turn the corner.
“Not in the least, besides, you need to get your shit straight before moving on.” Throwing his arm over my shoulder, he kisses me on the head.
“Chord, my heart’s so shattered, I’ll never be the same. But my eyes aren’t broken,” I joke, jabbing him in the side. We chuckle as we walk to the checkout.
Four months after Hardy, I’m still here. In the same place I was that terrible evening. How can people not recognize the enormity of their actions? The audacity to make life-changing decisions on your behalf as if it will never evolve into a gruesome benign case of masochism is beyond me.
I’ve spent four months, one hundred and twenty-two days, every waking moment, dissecting my every move with him. What I did wrong. How we could have changed things. You know, so when he comes back, we can fix our issues. Because that’s gonna happen.
Goddamn it, I’m such a fool. Mother fucker is going to leave me like this the rest of my life. I’m pissed at myself for allowing it. Yet, I can’t stop it. Maybe the best thing to happen lately is that I’m fucking mad as hell. So I do the most ignorant thing a girl can do… I go on a date.
For the past month, Walker has been ever present. I’m not sure when it happened, but I consider him a friend. When he asks me out, I don’t think twice. He’s a good guy. Handsome and intelligent. His blond hair and blue eyes with that all-American smile makes the gray skies fade. No, never leaving just ebbing.
He’s been a great friend the last few weeks. Making me laugh, putting a Band-Aid on the gaping hole that my soul can’t repair. He’s no Hardy, thank God. Surely my luck isn’t so bad that I’d end up with two.
The turning of the tide happens one evening in late August. Walker shows up at my office with flowers. What the fuck do I do now?
“Hey, gorgeous. I’m thinking…dinner. By the shore. Maybe a walk, nothing heavy. Just us buddies, hanging out. His blue eyes are soft and friendly. A sweet smile on his perfect lips.
Walker is truly a gorgeous man. Strapping even. He’s six-feet-four, maybe six-five. Beach blond hair with eyes as blue as the sky. The sweetest disposition anyone could ask for, easy going—maybe too easy. Built with broad shoulders and swagger befitting a country boy. Yeah, Walker is pure country boy.
Faded, tight jeans with a t-shirt and ball cap pulled down close, as if he’s hunting his prey behind hooded eyes. Lots of women dream about men like him. He looks like a surfing cowboy. His family owns a farm just on the outskirts of Shallotte. But his good looks and fortune don’t end there, Walker is an attorney. A catch by any sense of the phrase. I’m a lucky woman to be spending so much time with him.
Breakups are different for girls. We like to hold on to all the shit that fucked us up and make every man we meet pay for the fucker before them. That’s not me. I prefer revenge. So I opt for happy. It looks good on me. I accept Walker’s date. Not wanting anything more than to forget. I’m over being miserable. I may never love another man the way I did Hardy, but by God, I can try.
After a nice dinner, we take our walk. The beach is quiet, just us and the waves. Vacation season will soon be over, Labor Day looms in the not too distant future. Soon, the leaves will change signaling autumn to arrive. Another season without him.
“What’s on your mind, Thayer?” Walker bumps me with his shoulder.
“Penny for my thoughts? Change. Change is on my mind, Walker. You?” Glancing at him, I’m hoping he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes.
“You. Always you, Thayer. I find I’m spending more and more time thinking about you. I’m really hoping that’s okay with you.” Our pace slows, I feel the shift in the conversation before he even begins to speak.
Walker Pennington wants more. With me.
“What do you want me to say, Walker? That I’m ready? I can’t make promises or say things I don’t mean. It’s not who I am.” I stop to face him, and Walker listens to every word. His hands shoved in his front pockets, shoulders relaxed. He hears me, he may not like it, but he hears me.
“Okay. We’ll start there.” A sheepish grin is plastered on his face. He gets the courage when he finally looks into my eyes, and I see the one thing I don’t want. Love.
“Slowly, Walker.” Ever heard the saying ‘famous last words’? Those were mine.
September and October come and go quickly, all in thanks to Walker Pennington. He’s one of the kindest men you ever want to meet. Our relationship makes all the progressions of a normal couple. His patience is unwavering, even in the midst of my begrudging ways.
A rainy, fall day keeps us inside watching movies and reading books, snuggled on my couch. Walker leans in for a kiss, which he gets. But then, it’s suddenly more. His eyes smolder with want, making my breath catch in my throat.
His interpretation wasn’t my intent. I’m afraid of what this will mean, if I kiss him. If I sleep with him. I’m not ready. I can’t. He thinks I’m ready though. I allow him to think it. Going as far as I can without hurting him. Or so I thought. When I push him away, the hurt registered in his eyes is the same I see in mine every day.
“Thayer, I’ve tried to give you time. Giving you space and understanding, but I love you. I can’t hide it; I want a future with you. He’s not coming back, but I’m here, and I love you.” Walker hovers above my mouth before placing his lips to mine. He stands, walking toward the door.
“Walker, I’m sorry. Just give me a few more days. Please?” I jump from the couch to follow him. He turns to me.
“A few more days, Thayer. But you need to decide.” Wrapping myself around him, I hold tight to the only thing I’ve had to save me all these months.
Once Walker leaves, I sit in a pile on the floor, crying. I hate myself because I’m not crying for Walker. I’m crying for Hardy. I never imagined I’d be so easy to leave. To forget. He hasn’t even been in touch with anyone. It’s like he’s died. Gone forever.
For the first time in my life, I contemplate suicide. Thinking that leaving this place is my best option. I’m devastated. Unmoving. I can’t live another minute without him. His soul is mine, and if he’s gone, I no longer want to live. I can’t love another man, not the way I love him.
How do I get beyond this loss? This emptiness nothing else fills? How can he be out there and not want to be with me? I need him so much. How can he survive without me?
Just as I fall to the floor with nothing left in my soul, I hear a faint voice. One of love. Lea stands above me, looking as if someone has died. In a way they have; me. She joins me on the floor, not to pep talk me or to make me move. No, my best friend swaddles me in her arms and holds me. Lea sheds every tear that I do. Every crack my heart suffers in this moment, Lea feels with me. Showing me I’m not alone.
I’m not sure how long we sit there, in a puddle of tears and hurt. At some point, she began rocking me. Consoling me in the same way One soothes her. Humming a sweet lullaby I’ve heard her sing to the twins. My heart isn’t repairable, she knows this. So she sits with me until I can move.
I walk to the bathroom to wash my face. I can hear her in the kitchen, I’m sure she’s cooking. Finally, on the phone with One. That woman’s intuition is as good as our mother’s. Just as I think this, I hear a knock at the door. Peeping around the corner, I see my angel standing there. I run into her arms, beginning the process all over again.
Around one a.m., we all three lay in my bed. No words, just being there together, three women who have suffered lost love in three very different ways. Though different, the pain feels the same for all of us. Mom breaks the silence somewhere around two a.m.
“You know, girls, you both bring me so much joy. I’m proud to be your mother. Such strong young women.” She hugs me tighter as she squeezes Lea’s hand.
“Strong? Mom have you already forgotten what you found this evening?” I question her and her sight.
“No, baby, I haven’t. Have you forgotten wha
t Lea has endured?” Her words stun me, of course I haven’t.
“No. Never. You two are the strong ones,” I reply with conviction.
“Not so, Thayer,” says Lea. “Elise had no choice but to move on from her love for Malone’s father. Death, although not easy, is final. My life wasn’t about losing love; until Malone, I had never known it. You sweetie, have known it. Held it closely and lost it. Choosing to move on is entirely different from what we were handed. You have to grieve and then decide if you can move on.” She squeezes my hand.
“How can you love two people? Is there any way? I don’t want to lose Walker, but I’ll never love him the way I love Hardy. If only I knew for certain he’d never come back. If only I knew the whole story, if Hardy would just talk to me.” Tears fall fresh from my eyes.
“Well, baby. I know for a fact you can love two people. Sometimes, it’s a greater love. Sometimes, it’s equal to that love. Do you want to move on, Thayer?” My mother is ever patient.
“Maybe. I need to do something first. I also need to talk to Walker. Damn him. Damn Hardy to hell. I pray he’s as broken as I am,” I cry, giving in to the flood of tears after the damn breaks once again.
“I’m sure he is, Thayer. I, for one, know what loving someone you walk away from feels like. It’s a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But Hardy, of course.” Lea chuckles, making us all cry-giggle. Girls get that.
Lea waits with me until after Mom leaves. I need her help with something. It’s hard enough keeping things from my mom, but this has to be just between us. I want to find Hardy. Lea has the connections.
“Are you sure? You’re positive you want to do this?” Lea searches my eyes for any uncertainty.
“I’m positive. I need to know. All of it, Lea. Not just his whereabouts but the entire story with Erica.” I exhale with my last word.
“Okay. Let’s call Kipton.” Lea presses the number into her phone, so it begins. Ellis Kipton is the private detective Lea used to help find One’s stalker. Although, Lea figured it out first. Woman’s got mad skills.
“Hi, Kipton. It’s Hadlea Woods. I have a job for you. Can I forward you the information?” Lea puts the phone on speaker.
“Hi, Mrs. Woods. Of course, I’ll get someone right on it. Background?” Kipton is straight into business mode.
“Hardison Casey Turner. Twenty-nine. Known family, Erica, his wife. I need his whereabouts and any information on Erica you can dig up. Hardy married her when he was seventeen, in Charleston, South Carolina,” Lea states. I tend to forget she’s so business minded.
“Hardy? Mr. Woods right-hand man, Hardy?” Kipton questions.
“Yes. And Kipton, for now, this goes through my account. I’ll tell my husband later.” Lea shuts down his thoughts.
“Alright, send me over what you have.” They end the call.
“Promise me, you’ll use this only for the good. Okay?” Lea asks as she walks to the door.
“Yes, promise. Now, go home. Maybe you’ll get to see my brother before he leaves for work. I’m going to talk to Walker.” Lea smiles sweetly and with a wink, she’s gone.
I straighten my face, putting on my cutest jeans and tee with a ball hat. Stopping for coffee on my way over, I’m sitting on his front porch when he comes out for his morning paper. He’s looking hot as fuck this morning. Don’t get me wrong, country boy in tight jeans with swagger is damn nice. But Walker Pennington in a navy vest and fitted slacks with a crisp white dress shirt is fucking nicer. Damn.
He walks over to me, squatting beside me to pick up his cup of java. Blowing the steam off, he side-eyes me. Waiting. Calm and cool, he waits for me to speak. I’m hard headed as hell; this boy will never learn. He chuckles when I say nothing, shaking his head slightly.
“Good morning,” he says before his next swallow.
“Mornin’,” I quip.
“What brings you by, Thayer?” He sets his cup down to grab his paper. He’s not as cool as Hardy, but he’s got game.
“You. I won’t make you any promises, but I’ll try, Walker. You deserve it.” His mouth hangs as he contemplates my words.
“Okay. Let’s try. I love you, Thayer. I’ll do my best to never hurt you.” Gazing into those Carolina blue eyes, I believe him. If there’s one thing about Walker that isn’t like Hardy, he’ll always be honest with me. He’ll believe in our love, whatever it may be. He’s safe.
“Well, okay. Breakfast?” Standing with him, he pulls me into a kiss. Soft, sweet. Safe.
After breakfast, we each head for our workplaces. I look like hell but what the fuck ever. Maybe I should tell him the real reason. No, probably not a good idea.
After some filing and a few call-in orders, the troublesome duo walks through my door. My brothers are great, but I’ll be damned if they’re going to badger me over all of this shit. Especially the fact that I still love Hardy. I’m hoping the information I shared with Walker this morning will help smooth the road.
“Hey, Tay.” Chord kisses me on the cheek before sitting down.
“Hey, sweetie. How are you?” One stands diplomatically watchful.
“Good morning. I’m good. Honestly, I’m thankful for the women in my life. Have I ever told you how amazing your wife is, One? I love her.” I wink at him.
“Damn straight she is. Helluva lucky man,” Chord chimes in.
“She makes my fucking blood boil. Fuck, I love her.” One winks back as we all laugh. I’ve missed them. One takes his phone from his pocket and begins to text.
“Who you texting?” Chord and I share a giggle.
“That badass wife of mine. May need to run home at lunch.” We burst into laughter. “Seriously, how are you, sis?” One joins us sitting around my desk.
“I’m surviving. I still love him, guys. I don’t know what to say. I did talk to Walker this morning, though, and told him I would try more with him. He’s a great man and deserves more than I’ve given so far.” I shrug through my last words.
“What about what you deserve?” One questions as he studies me.
“What if Walker is more of an asshole than Hardy?” Chord murmurs.
“Why would you even say such a thing? From the minute we bumped into him, you’ve acted weird. So spill.” I’ve had enough of his innuendos.
“He’s always been an asshole. I’m just saying, be careful. Yes, I want you happy, but at what price? Trading one asshole for another isn’t the best scenario.” Chord’s face is red as he huffs his words at us. I look to One with raised eyebrows.
“Why? Why is he an asshole, Chord?” I ask in earnest.
“He’s spoiled, and he doesn’t lose graciously. Walker needs a dose of humility, that’s all I’m saying. It’ll be my luck you’ll marry the little shit.” Chord kicks my desk leg.
“You’ve been dating a while; do you love him?” One’s words cut the deepest. What should I say? The truth. I tell them the truth.
“I could love him; I mean I do love him. No, it’s not like Hardy. And no, I haven’t slept with Walker.” They both squeeze their eyes shut and groan. “I love Hardy.”
“I love him too, Tay.?” He pauses before adding, “Lea told me. I’m not sure it’s a great idea, but you’re a grown woman, as my wife not so gently reminded me this morning.” He grimaces at the memory.
“I love him. That’s not going to change anytime soon. What the fuck do you want me to say? It’s different for girls. We fall to pieces and pick up when and how we can.” I knock away the tears that run down my face, and One closes his eyes.
“Well, whatever you choose, I’m here. I hope you find Hardy, if nothing more than for closure.” One sighs heavily as if his heart is breaking.
“We’d better get moving, especially if One is going home at lunch to grovel.” Chord punches him in the arm.
“One’s going home to try to make another baby or two, that’s what One’s going home to do.” One punches Chord in the arm, hard, but the surprised looks on our faces isn’t over the punch.
“Damn, One. God didn’t mean for you and Lea to be the only two to populate the earth.” I burst into laughter for the second time since my brothers entered my office.
“It’s five kids, people. Okay, it’s eight including the girls, so what’s a few more? Besides, I do enjoy my woman pregnant.” Chord and I make gagging noises. But in all honesty, I’m so happy. I don’t know how they’re going to do it with the twins being only eight months old, but if two people can, it’s them.
My brothers hug me before they leave, and I get back to work. I rarely go out on site anymore. My business has flourished, and I have a great crew to handle the labor. I’m making great money, and I’m in the early stages of planning to decorate different businesses for the holidays. I’m not sure if I’ll put up a tree or not, I bought it as a surprise for Hardy. He hadn’t had one since he was seven.
Closing up shop, I run home to change clothes and meet Walker for some kind of business get-together. He told me the other day they have quite a few in Charleston throughout the holidays. The smaller ones he holds downtown. Walker was pre-law at Clemson and graduated from UNC with his degree.
The dinner passed slowly; I’d rather have been home watching a movie. On the way home, Walker tries his hand at our future, talking about kids and marriage. Knowing where it was going, I just broke it open.
“Walker, I’d prefer to wait to have sex. It’s not an easy choice, but it’s mine. I want to marry the man I have sex with.” After saying it, I realize he thinks I mean I’m still a virgin. I know it’s terrible of me, but I allow him to believe it. It makes this whole thing easier.
“I respect your decision, Thayer. Being a man, I’m not thrilled with it, but I’ll damn well respect it.” Walker looks everywhere but at me. He’s pissed, I can tell; his jaw is ticking.
“Thank you. So as you know it’s not about him,” I remark off handedly.
He sees me to my door. Standing there in the crisp fall air, our lips meet. Soft, pliable kisses. Not forced or rough. Easy, sweet. It’s different, that’s all. Just a different way of doing things. Walker stands with his head against mine for several minutes, he shakes it slightly.