by Leaona Luxx
“Warn you? Who the fuck are you? Where is he? Don’t you dare hold out on me another fucking second, One.” Once again, I find myself crying over this man. Why am I allowing him to do this to me? “You know what? Forget it, I don’t want to see him. I’m done. He’s been here and couldn’t even man up enough to come see me.” I storm off toward the door.
“Wait, Thayer, stop. Where are you going?” One chases me around the house as I walk to my truck. Stopping abruptly, I turn on my brother. Hair sticking to the tears running down my face, cheeks red and nose running. I’m visibly shaken.
“Leaving. I’m done loving him, goddamn it. He thinks no more of me than he does a stranger. I gave him my heart, and he gave me heartache. Fuck him. He was supposed to love me forever, One. Me and him. I deserved his love. I needed him.” Before I can wipe away the tears, One has me in his arms.
He holds me until I can’t cry another minute. Then he holds me a little longer. Sitting on his front steps, not a word is spoken until I’m ready. I’m not sure what brought it on, but I knew if I didn’t make a decision I never would. I’d always be waiting on him.
“I’m going to move on, One. For me. It’s not going to be easy,” I say, leaning into his shoulder for support.
“Tay, baby girl, you know I have your back no matter what, but if you still love Hardy this much, do you really think you can move on?” Wrapping his arm around my shoulder, he rubs small circles into it.
Sniffling, I mutter my response. “I don’t know. What I do know is that Hardy doesn’t get to decide anymore. I love him, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be tied to a man who refuses to believe in what we have.”
“I understand, it’s Hardy who doesn’t. He really thinks you’re better off without him.” Squeezing me close to him, he kisses the top of my head. My brother, the Neanderthal. He’s such a good man.
“Maybe, I am.” Shrugging, I pull away. “I’m going home. I love you.” I return his kiss on his cheek.
“Anytime.” He stands as I walk to my truck. Climbing in, I yell to him.
“Thank you!” He winks adding that mischievous grin of his.
One stands on his stoop, hands in pockets watching her leave. She’s so broken, and it’s all because of me. I’ve fucked up in so many ways. I should’ve run to her and begged for her forgiveness. Thayer cried for an hour, and it broke my heart to watch.
Movement from the corner of my eye startles me. I jump before I realize it’s One, standing next to my truck. Rolling down the window, he leans against the door with his arms folded. Taking my sleeve, I wipe away the tears.
“Why don’t you talk to her? She needs you,” he says in a soft voice; my best friend’s heart even hurts over this.
“And say what? ‘I fucked up. I love you.’ I’ve had this same conversation with Chord, there’s nothing more to add. What’s worse, there isn’t anything I can say.” Continuing to dry my face, new tears spring to my eyes.
“I know it’s not easy, but you have to do something. Say something. Not everyone can kill someone to prove their love. Hadlea’s the only badass who can pull it off.” He chuckles as he tries to lighten the mood.
“Yeah, you got that right. But I’d be willing to off that fucker, Walker.” I hit the steering wheel with my fist.
“Why? Because he’s man enough to take care of her?” I wrench my head in his direction as I level him with a glare.
“What the fuck, asshole? I fucked up, I know!” I’m yelling at him while tears fall rapidly.
“Then fucking do something about it before my sister fucks her life up. Goddamn. Do you think you’re the only person who has fucked up? Well, sit back and watch Thayer. She’s about to ruin her life because of you, mother fucker.” One pushes away from my truck but not before punching it.
He’s right. All of this is happening because I can’t man up. Starting my truck, I pull out on the road and begin to drive. My mind racing a million miles an hour. Seeing her shattered, kills me. If it were anyone else, I would hurt them for making her cry. But she’s the one who agreed to marry him. Am I supposed to run and save her?
Driving on autopilot, I’m pulling onto her street before I even realize it. Her truck is in the drive, so is his car. Slowing, I peer in as I coast by. They sit on her steps, her between his legs as she plays with a Collie puppy. Thayer laughs as the puppy attacks her, licking her all over.
I chuckle when the pup laps at her open mouth, essentially kissing Thayer. That’s when I realize, I’ve almost stopped in the road. I speed up, taking the corner too fast. My truck tires squeal as it completes the turn. I’m out of sight by the time I begin to breathe again.
The sandy gravel makes almost no sound as I come to a stop by our bog. Still Creek will always be our place. We planned our lives here, decided on how long before we would marry, and how many kids we would have in the future.
That’s all gone now because I’m an asshole. I’m not sure why they don’t understand I’m no good for her. I was a drug addicted teen with a pregnant, addict wife who died while I was selfishly getting clean. Instead of finding her and taking her with me.
No. No one could make Erica do a damn thing. We were married in name only. For fuck’s sake, I left because I hadn’t seen her in days. We were both having to take drug tests for the state. They had been threatening to take the kid if it was born addicted too. The life we were living wasn’t a life for a baby anyway.
Laying over in my seat, I think about Thayer. The little Collie puppy was so happy to be in her arms. I guess he bought it for her. Damn. I’m a mess. Why do I keep doing this to us? She loves me, and I can’t even stay away from her. I love her so much.
My phone buzzes twice before I can dig it from my pants. Clearing my eyes enough to focus on the screen, I finally see it’s my only friend in the world right now. He has Lulu right now. He keeps her most days; living outta my truck isn’t easy on her.
“Hey, man, sorry. I’ll be over there soon. I just needed a minute, it’s been a rough day,” I say immediately as I answer the call.
“No worries, man. You out at the bog?” He laughs lightly.
“Yeah. It’s our place.” I sigh as I reply to him.
“It still can be, you know that, right?” He’s too young to be insightful.
“I don’t know, man. She found out today that I’m here. She didn’t take it well.” Again with the fucking tears. I wipe them away as fast as possible.
“You know, there’s an engagement party tomorrow night?” he mutters under his breath.
“Where?” I ask, sitting ramrod straight in my seat.
“Our parents’ house, where did you think?” Chuckling again, Chord needs his ass kicked.
“Like I’d be invited.” I laugh with him.
“I need a date.” I shake my head as I full-on smile at his wayward thoughts.
“You asking?” We laugh harder now.
“Yeah, thinking I don’t want to go alone. Besides, you’re sure to liven the place up.” Fucking asshole.
“True that. What…what should I say to her?” I ask, needing help from someone like never before in my life. The silence grows as we sit there.
“Come on over and we’ll figure it out,” he says, trying to console me as best he can.
“You know all hell is gonna break loose, don’t you?”
“Sometimes, Hardy, you have to walk through hell to get to heaven.” The kid’s got a point.
“When did you get so smart?” I ask, trying to lighten the moment.
“When did you become such a dumb ass?” Chord questions flatly.
“I’m on the way over.” Shaking my head, I toss my phone on the seat.
On the road to Chord’s house, I go back to how this all started. I knew it was a lost cause, but she made me believe. Believe we would work. Believe that love could conquer all. Where the hell did it all go wrong?
Chord opens his front door as I pull up. Lulu comes barreling out, all fur and slobbers. Just like the first t
ime meeting Thayer. Knocking her down, Lulu kissed her all over until she laughed. It was the most perfect moment.
“Hey, girl, I’m happy to see you too. Chord.” I nod in his direction.
“Come on in, man. I’ll grab some beer, and we’ll strategize.” Sounds like a plan.
We sit, talking about everything as the football game on the television plays in the background. He asks me time and time again how I plan to win her back. I have no fucking clue. That’s my reply every time. And then he asks the million-dollar question.
“What happened?”
“What do you mean, ‘what happened’? You’re starting to sound like One, you might want to mix it up a little,” I snap at him.
“Dude, we’re trying to help. We may sound like a broken record, but you’re getting nowhere.” Chord leans forward.
“You were there. I didn’t tell her I was married and that my wife was pregnant when she overdosed. Thayer can’t forgive it.” Glaring at his idiotic question.
“Yeah, I was there, but that’s not what made her walk away.” What the hell is he talking about?
“Then what did? Because from my place on the floor where she left me, she left me for those reasons.” Leaning forward, I set my elbows on my knees to listen. If he’s willing to help, I’m willing to listen.
“Whether you choose to believe it or not, we love you, Hardy. We all met that day at Thayer’s office because we had been worried sick over you. Why can’t you understand that we love you? No matter your past, your mistakes or even your misgivings.” Chord’s words carry conviction. His voice shaking as he delivers each word. Damn. “You’re family. With or without you being with Thayer. I prefer it be with her, though.”
“From your lips to God’s ears. So what happened?” Repeating his words, I sit in silence.
“Hardy, it was never because of your past. There’s no way she wouldn’t still love you if that was so. Think about it.” Grabbing my keys before I can protest, he says, “I’m going to pull your truck into my garage. Don’t want the whole family flipping shit on me for harboring a fugitive.”
Looking around, I see a blanket and pillow on the end of the couch where Lulu lays. Chord had already planned on me staying the night. He’s as good a person as his siblings. Thayer. Thinking of her brings the tears again. How the hell will I ever fix this? When Chord comes back in from moving my truck, I quickly wipe my eyes.
“Chord, thanks, man,” I say, pointing toward the bedding. He nods and starts through to his bedroom. Pausing, he turns to me.
“Hardy, she loves you. Think about how you would feel if Thayer didn’t believe you loved her. Or if she would’ve ever had doubts you believed in your love for each other.” He smiles.
“I would’ve never chanced losing One for anyone else. I believed in her, just not me. I had no clue she would hold on to me the way she has. She must believe I’m worth the fight.” I grind my palm into my eyes to dissipate the waterfall that’s sprung from them today.
I wake the next morning, gather my things. and quietly leave. I’m not sure where to go or even what to do at this point.
Wandering around my parents’ home, I try to busy myself with final details. Walker and I will be celebrating our engagement as we prepare for our wedding next week. Checking on the caterers, looking over the floral arrangements. Anything to keep from thinking about the event itself.
I’m nervous for some reason, like butterflies in my stomach. It’s been a year since I’ve felt this way. An expectancy of something to come, something so wonderful my heart can’t contain it. Closing my eyes, I picture Hardy. Startling me enough to snap my eyes open. Damn, why does that keep happening?
Meandering through the house, I find my mother in the study, sitting at her desk writing something on stationery. She touches a tissue to her face as she studies the paper in front of her. Whatever she’s writing must be heartwarming, she smiles sweetly with every pass of her pen.
I begin to cry, thinking of my parents’ relationship. My mom wasn’t the easiest to love. She had been married before to One’s father. He was killed when my brother was only a few months old, she was devastated. When she met my father, she was heartbroken.
He once told me, he didn’t think he would ever win her heart, that it was lost forever. But when she finally opened it to him, her love made him complete. Never an easy road but one they walked hand in hand, facing whatever came at them.
I’ve never thought of Walker when I imagine being old and gray, walking hand in hand with the love of my life. It has always been Hardy. His eyes are the ones I dream of. His kiss is what I need. His heart is what I want. His body against mine is all I desire.
My mother looks up to find me standing in the doorway.
“Come here, sweetie. Let’s talk.” She waves me over to the couch next to the window. It’s raining today. The leaves have fallen so quickly this year; the rain will probably take the rest of what’s left on the branches.
“What would you like to talk about, Mom?” Conjuring my strength, I walk over and sit. We watch the red, yellow, and orange show in front of us. After a few minutes of calm, she breaks the silence.
“How are you?” Refusing to look at her, I lean into the touch of her stroking my hair for the longest time before she breaks the silence again.
“Thayer, I would hope you know, you can call anything off at any time. You don’t have to go through with this.” She surprises me with her thoughts.
“Why wouldn’t I go through with this?” Moving to sit across from her.
“You’re in love with a man who’s not your fiancé, why are you even considering going through with this wedding?” Looking stern, her mouth furrows with worry.
“Because he wants me. He loves me.” Wrapping my arms around myself, I break down. “Hardy doesn’t want me.” Searching her eyes, I see something. Hope?
“He loves you so much, he left to give you an opportunity to see if someone else was better for you.” Leaning forward, she moves my hair from my face.
“What does that even mean?” I try to dry my face with my shirt sleeve.
“Did you know Cal left me? Walked away.” Her eyes become glassy with unshed tears as her mouth droops.
“No. What? When?” I’m practically speechless.
“Malone was two. Your father had tried everything to get me to understand he was here for the long haul. He was here to stay. In my world, Thayer, people didn’t stay. Raised by my aunt, trash no one wanted. When Griffin came into my life, he helped give me self-worth. No, I should’ve never built my self-esteem on a relationship, but it’s all I knew. He loved me through all the pain, fixing things in me that had been torn down for years. Losing him rocked me to my core. I held your brother close, he was all I had, or so I thought.
“When your dad came along, I felt so worthless. Forgotten. I was a great person, but no one saw that. Griffin’s family loved Malone, not me. Cal loved me. He loved me so much, he looked over my love for Griffin. A year into our marriage, Cal walked out. Telling me even his love would never be enough to find a place in my heart. It was so filled with Griffin, I was afraid I’d forget him. It was important to remember him for Malone. But I didn’t see it was at the expense of Cal.
“You see, Thayer. Cal told me I was going to ruin all we had by not letting him in. You already don’t allow Walker in, sweetie. Do you honestly think he’ll wait a lifetime for you to open your heart?” She lays her hands on mine.
“It’s time someone loves me. Puts me first. I’ve waited all this time to find a great love, and what the fuck did it get me? Brokenhearted. I’m done. Walker’s a good man, and I can only hope to love him the way he loves me.” Jumping from the chair, I run out of the room and up the stairs. Locking myself in my old bedroom.
A few hours later, my mom knocks at my door, letting me know we’re an hour and a half from the party. I run a bath to take a long soak. Rob Thomas sings to me, telling me how my heart has ended up in pieces.
I pile my dark hair on top of my head, with pieces framing my face. I slip the cobalt blue, swift dress over my head and slip into my silver pumps. Diamond studs adorn my ears. Around my neck, a simple silver necklace with a flower hangs from it.
My hand on the door, I pause to rub the flower to remind myself what I’m walking away from. If he can do it, so can I. I stand at the top of the stairs, watching the room buzz. Walker looks amazing in his silver tux and matching tie. He works the room like a pro.
I smile at my future husband, knowing he’ll always do what is right. He’ll always put me first, always be forthright. Honest with no hidden life or agenda. Just willing to love me. I start down the stairs, garnering attention as I descend.
Walker meets me at the bottom, taking my hand as he begins to make introductions. Helping me to work the room just like him. His hand on the small of my back, leading me. He proudly displays me and this rock he’s provided me.
Once in a while, he tucks my hair away from my face, telling me I need to showcase the goods, not hide them. Smiling brightly, he winks, giving me the go ahead to greet my guests now that I’ve met his. The evening is off to a great start; I’ve never been happier.
One and Lea arrive with all the children in tow. Walker rolls his eyes at the twins, but it’s really not that kind of party. After greeting them, One takes Wren and Harlyn upstairs. I have yet to see Chord, I’m not even sure who he’s bringing.
Searching the main room for him, Walker gets my attention, motioning me forward. I’m by his side quickly as he introduces me once again to a work colleague. “May I introduce you to Thayer Hamilton. Thayer, my friend, Chet Norwood.” We shake hands as he looks me up and down, giving me the creeps. “Thayer, why don’t you excuse yourself to the restroom, so you can do something with your hair?”
“There’s nothing wrong with it, Walker. It’s the style I chose,” I say, smiling sickly sweet.