by Karina Bliss
Lily massaged away his frown. “Leave Dimity to me.”
Chapter Twenty-four
With the ease of long practice Lily steered Grace’s stroller through the mall shoppers and swooped on a free table in the food court. “Okay,” she said to Dimity. “We both know you’d rather be torn apart by corporate sharks than buy diapers and baby supplies. Let’s hear it.”
Her friend didn’t answer until she’d sanitized their table with a wet wipe from her Gucci clutch. “I haven’t seen you for two days. Can’t I just want to hang out with you?”
Since the band was auditioning tour musicians, something Dimity had been scheduling for weeks with Kayla’s help, the answer was clearly no. For the moment, Lily played along. “Fine. Will you watch Grace or get the drinks?”
“Isn’t there table service?”
The busboy clearing trays nearby looked at Lily, who shrugged. “She doesn’t get out much.”
“Very funny.” Dimity eyed Grace, saw she was sleeping peacefully, and pulled up a chair. “I’ll have a kale smoothie made with almond milk. Organic.”
The busboy sniggered.
“We’re in the real world,” Lily reminded her. “You’ll have the coffee and complimentary muffin combo and like it.”
Lining up to order at the bustling coffee kiosk, she regretted how confidently she’d told Moss that she’d handle her best friend. Until today, Dimity hadn’t been there to handle, decamping to Zander’s mansion before they could talk.
Seth had stopped Lily phoning her. “She’s going to take a couple of days to get her head around it. My advice is to let her.” Like Jared and Kayla, he was warily supportive, if shell-shocked by Moss’s public declaration.
“It’s like hearing a carnivore say they’ve become vegan,” he admitted to Lily before he left with the dog to join Dimity. Which explained her own reaction exactly. She wanted to believe Moss, giddily wanted to believe he loved her, but couldn’t bring herself to turn her back. Her feelings were too new, too overwhelming to make sense of all at once. So she didn’t try. He’d said she could set the pace, so she slowed it right down.
They played it casual—no touches or glances—when the others were around, particularly Maddie, who could ‘out’ them inadvertently. Lily made a point of leaving Moss alone with Grace while she ran errands or shut herself away for a couple of hours and studied.
She’d lost herself in one relationship with a charismatic, strong-willed man; she wasn’t doing it in another. At some level she knew she was hurting him but she couldn’t change how she felt. She had to be careful.
And as he gave her space to process her feelings, she found herself crossing it to touch him, to hug him as he fed Grace, to listen for him coming home. Last night he’d had a late band practice in preparation for today’s auditions and she’d waited up, falling asleep on the couch. Woken as he’d carried her to bed.
“How’s Dimity treating you?” she’d asked when they lay on top of the covers, cooling down after deliciously erotic sex.
“Professionally,” he’d replied cryptically.
“Two coffee muffin combos!” The barista’s holler broke into her thoughts.
“They’re mine, thanks.” She carried the tray to their table where she found Grace still asleep and Dimity frenetically texting. She should be with the band, not worrying that Lily had lost her mind.
“You want to warn me off Moss.” Lily unloaded the tray. “Go ahead.”
“You’re already defensive,” Dimity complained.
Not defensive…conflicted. This was her closest friend and her opinion mattered.
“Please, share your concerns,” she invited. “In fact, let me give you the first one. He’s everything I said I no longer wanted. A complex, creative rock star…likely to become more famous?” She waited.
“They’re going to be huge.”
She’d suspected it; still she experienced a pang of anxiety. Huge meant more pressures.
Dimity must have seen it; she leaned forward. “Even without the sex scandal hanging over your head, being the girlfriend of a rock star is a tough gig. You know how tough.” She sipped her coffee, grimaced, and sipped again. “The constant intrusion of privacy, never going anywhere without being recognized, groupies, grueling tour schedules.”
“You deal with it.” The coffee was bitter, Lily put her cup down. “Kayla deals with it.”
“Because we trust our men. When Moss goes on tour, it’s a different woman every night. He was a total man whore when he was with Rage.”
“I remember,” Lily said. She’d also witnessed his kid-in-a-candy-store days, and they hadn’t been pretty. But coming from scarcity herself, she’d understood why he’d been seduced by excess. “He’s not that guy anymore.”
“Don’t be so naive,” Dimity said impatiently. “You were his driver until recently. You saw the places he hangs out at. He had a black eye last month.”
“Hang on.” Lily texted Moss. Can I tell Dimity about your work with runaways? It might help our cause.
His typically Moss response made her smile. If you have to.
But after Dimity’s first astonishment, she shook her head. “That only proves my point about his secretiveness. Why withhold information that would help your friends understand you better?” She poked the chocolate muffin dubiously with a knife. “I admit he’s changed, but is he changing enough, and will it last?”
“Does any relationship offer guarantees?” Lily countered, handing her friend a sachet of butter. These muffins were usually dry. “Maybe I want that intensity, that focus. Maybe I want that passion. He doesn’t give anything away lightly.” She trusted that, more than she’d ever trusted Zander’s living-out-loud honesty. She bit into her apricot muffin, which was surprisingly good.
“Moss will never be an easy man.”
“No,” she conceded between mouthfuls. “But he’s the first to make me feel special without having to change a single thing about myself. I’m enough as I am. You know how that feels—you have it with Seth.”
“That’s different. Seth’s easy to love.” With her fingertip, Dimity dug a chocolate chip from the frosting in her muffin and ate it. “I’m the challenging one in our relationship.”
“Would you have wanted someone to tell him to give up on you?”
“You’re twisting this.”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
“Okay.” Dimity used a teaspoon to scrape the frosting off and eat it. “Let’s say it all works out. There’s no such thing as privacy in the rock world. As soon as you two go public the press will go crazy. Interest in the sex tape, which is dying through lack of oxygen, will take on a second lease of life. Every idiot online will have an opinion on your new looks, your smaller breasts, and call you a groupie because you’re dating another rock star. Do you really want to put yourself through that again?”
“No,” Lily admitted frankly. “Which is why we’re keeping our relationship under wraps for as long as possible.”
“So you do have doubts about whether it will last!”
“I have fears, which I’m trying not to let you stoke into doubts.” She adjusted Grace’s blanket to cover her tiny feet.
“He’s vulnerable now, because of Grace. And you’ve always been a rescuer.”
“Says the pot to the kettle. Grace’s arrival accelerated things for us, but we’ve been fighting an attraction for weeks.”
“Fighting it, because you know it’s bad for you.” Having eaten all the frosting on her muffin, Dimity pushed it away. “Grace has softened Moss, no question, but when he gives her up he’ll default to his usual no-trespassers self.” She looked at Lily, all levity gone. “In fact, he’ll be worse because he’ll be hurting.”
Lily looked at the sleeping baby. “I believe that what he feels for me is real. Will it burn out? Maybe.” She was silent a moment. “For now, all that matters is supporting him and Grace. He’s under enough pressure without me adding to it.”
“Is t
hat a dig at me?”
“It wasn’t, but feel free to take it on board.”
“Okay then, what if—”
“Dimity, stop. Please. And listen. Elizabeth was the first person to ask me what I wanted from my life, really wanted. She talked Jared and Kayla into giving me a nanny job, she forced you and me to become friends.”
“Sure but what does this—”
Lily put a finger to her mouth. “Are we listening?”
Her friend nodded.
“But it was you who found me the nanny job with the Spencer-Flemings when Kayla and the kids left the tour early. You who gave me a tutor to help me pass my GEDs…yes, Zander paid for it, but it was your idea…don’t interrupt. For the past year, you’ve been the tiger mother I needed. You believed in me until I could believe in myself.” She reached out and took Dimity’s hand, smooth and beautifully manicured. For once, her friend didn’t resist.
Lily squeezed it. “Which makes it really hard for me to go against your advice and tell you that I’m giving Moss a chance. I don’t know if we’ll make this work, but I trust his intentions enough to try.”
She went to release Dimity’s hand; her friend tightened her grip. “I only have one more thing to say and then I’m done.”
“Okay.”
“You love the little girl sleeping in that stroller. When he gives Grace up, that’ll hurt.”
“Terribly,” she said simply, “but it’s Moss’s decision. It has to be.”
“Will you be able to forgive him?”
“My forgiveness isn’t the issue. The big unknown is, will he be able to forgive himself?”
* * *
In a break between auditions for backing singers and second guitar, Moss steeled himself and phoned the adoption agency with his short list, asking them to schedule meetings with three potential families.
Then, before he lost his nerve, he phoned Lily to tell her. She’d told him she’d respect his decision, but—as he’d just discovered—some things were easier said than done.
“Do what you have to do.” Her voice echoed; she was in the car. “I’ll support you.”
“Thank you.” He hesitated. “Does that mean Dimity didn’t convince you I’m a bad bet?”
“We decided—” Her reply was cut off by a weird barking.
“Is that the dog choking?”
Seth looked up from the other end of the couch, where he was writing notes on their last candidate. “What’s wrong with my baby?”
Lily laughed softy in Moss’s ear. “That’s Rocco. Woof is his new favorite word.”
Moss gave the drummer a thumbs-up and he returned to his work.
“Grace and I just collected him from nursery school so Kayla can help out with band business.”
“Yeah, not sure if I approve of that. Hang on.” Lowering his cell, he called to Jared, who was standing at the other end of the studio where their instruments were set up, re-tuning his bass. “Can I trust your little thug near Grace?”
“I object to that. My son’s only territorial when his mom’s around.” A devil’s grin flashed across his soulful face. “Otherwise he’s a gentleman like his daddy.”
“Uh-huh.” Moss returned to his call. “Don’t let that thug near my—near Grace.” Soon she’d be someone else’s daughter. He needed to remember that.
Last night, he’d woken in a cold sweat. Would she remember he’d given her away? Careful not to wake Lily, he’d crept out of bed and searched for the answer on the web. No, she was too young to remember anything about him. And that was good, he’d thought. Really good. He hadn’t gotten back to sleep for hours.
“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Lily promised. “See you later.”
“Can’t wait.”
He sat a few moments after pocketing his cell, missing them both.
“So, you’re moving ahead with adoption,” Seth commented, not looking up from his notes. “I really thought Lily would change your mind, especially now you’re together.”
“I can’t take that for granted. She might wise up after all.” She never did tell him what happened with Dimity. And even if she doesn’t wise up, I’m still the weak link.
“Fuck!” Seth startled him by throwing down his notes, which scattered over the hardwood floor. “I can’t stand this.”
“Seth,” Jared called in a warning tone, putting down his bass.
The drummer ignored him. “How can you be so cool about giving away your daughter?”
“You think I’m not conflicted?” As soon as the words left his mouth, Moss regretted them. Suddenly, his bandmates were sitting either side of him, penning him between them.
“The very fact that you’re trying to put your emotions aside shows you’re capable of being a good father,” Jared said earnestly. “I had no idea how to parent when Maddie was born. Neither did Kayla. You learn by doing the job. And when you think you’ve cracked the code, they grow and you have to start all over again.”
Seth was looking at him intently. “What exactly do you feel for Grace?”
He shifted, uncomfortable. “A sense of responsibility, a drive to do right by her, pity, sadness…” This was torture. “I don’t see any point in analyzing my feelings for Grace because it doesn’t change the fact that my duty is to give her the best life I can…a normal family.”
“I come from a ‘normal’ family,” Seth said, drawing air quotes. “Trust me, even the best are dysfunctional.”
His unthinking ignorance struck a nerve. “Seth, you can’t imagine what my youth was like, and I’m not giving you nightmares by telling you. Trust me, if you don’t have family you don’t have backup. Protection.”
“You have us,” Jared argued, “and Grace will have our kids as her cousins, the band family as her uncles and aunts.”
“Grace needs more security than that. If you all disappeared tomorrow, could I alone be enough for her?” Answering his own question, he shook his head.
“I’ll adopt her,” Seth said desperately.
“No, buddy, you can’t.” Touched beyond measure, Moss squeezed his bandmate’s shoulder to soften the blow. “We both know Dimity isn’t ready for kids. And, Jared, before you suggest it, you and Kayla can’t have her either. I’m not that brave that I can watch her being raised by someone else. The only way is a clean break.”
“Fuck,” said Seth, but softly, his expression one of raw compassion.
Moss looked at his hands. “Yeah.”
“At least we understand your motives now,” said Jared.
“For the record,” Moss circumvented a pity party. “I don’t buy into that bullshit that no one can love a child as much as its biological parents. People who have adopted babies love them as their own—maybe more—because they’ve struggled so damn hard to get them.”
“You guys better not be having a band meeting without me,” Dimity called. Thank God, the cavalry. She breezed in and started dispensing sushi rolls.
“Honey B, you know the way to a man’s heart,” said Seth, who clearly sensed Moss’s desperation to change the subject.
Moss half expected Dimity to bypass him; since she’d discovered him in bed with Lily her professional approach had definitely been ‘see no evil.’ But she handed him a clear carton that held his favorite—spicy tuna.
“Thanks. How did your talk with Lily go?” He wasn’t really worried until she gave him a death stare. And then he was terrified.
“You’re in,” she conceded begrudgingly. “Don’t fuck it up.”
Thank you, Jesus. “I’ll do my best not to.”
“You’ll do better than that.”
“How ’bout I get everyone sodas?” Seth headed toward the fridge in the corner of the room. “Don’t kill each other while I’m gone.”
“I’ll come with you.” Jared followed him.
This was getting ridiculous. “You think I don’t know I’m not the man she deserves?” Moss demanded. “That I don’t feel the pressure to become one?”
“An
gsting is a start I suppose.” She sighed. “It’s not that I don’t care about you, idiot. But I care about her more.”
“I know that, you’re a good friend to her.”
“And I could be a good friend to you, if you let me. We all could.”
“Yeah, I’ve already had this conversation with Seth. I won’t let any of you adopt Grace.”
She gaped at him. “What?”
Shit. “It was a spur-of-the-moment offer, don’t panic. He wouldn’t commit to anything without your buy-in.”
She looked toward Seth, who was passing Jared sodas, and blurted, “I shouldn’t marry him.”
Hell, what have I stirred up? Alarmed, Moss seized her arm and propelled her outside where the next musician, at least a half hour early for his audition, leaned against the wall with a guitar. “Here.” Handing the guy his sushi box, he pushed him inside. “Go make friends with your prospective employers.” Slamming the door on his startled face, he sat Dimity down on the studio steps. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I thought I could get over my fear of babies.” His cool-under-pressure manager was all but wringing her hands. “But I still can’t go closer than three feet to Grace, even when she’s smiling at me.”
“Grace hasn’t smiled yet.” He’d tried to coax one out of her last night with no success. Moss realized he’d lost focus. He sat on the step beside her. “Seth wants a life with you more than he wants children.”
“Now, but in a few years…”
“He’ll feel exactly the same way. So if you don’t want kids—”
“I do—eventually—but I’m terrified that I’ll do something wrong, hurt them, drop them…shit, I don’t know.” She made an impatient gesture. “God, I’m as much of a fuck-up as you are.”
“Let’s not make this a competition,” he suggested dryly.
“I can’t talk about this.” Agitated, she stood and opened the door. “Just let me solve it and don’t tell Seth.” She went inside, only to stick her head around the door a few seconds later. “Or Lily.”