“I’m sorry I haven’t…”
“It’s okay, don’t explain. I could have been any nut; the circus is passing through you know.”
“Oh I know alright.”
“Are you eating alone?”
“Yes, I hope when I step in they don’t shine the spotlight on me and announce party of one across the dining room.”
“Well I would join you if my clients were already eating, but I have been here for almost twenty minutes and they still haven’t exited the car.”
“Are they getting down?”
He laughed heartily. “I suppose it’s possible. I have seen many things that should never be repeated.”
Suddenly the window rolled down and Alice stuck her head out. “Paula? Why isn’t your coat buttoned?”
“Mom? Oh my God what are you doing in there?” Scratch all of the previously horrifying moments I have lived through and put this on the top of the list. “Do you have pants on?”
“Of course I do! Mr. Edwards lost his eye and we can’t find it. There is no way we can have dinner with his socket all puckered in. I was hoping the driver could help.”
Jace turned to me. “So you do have a name! Would you excuse me Paula? I have a very important request to honor.” He pulled a white handkerchief from his jacket pocket and opened the door. “Alright, everyone out.”
Alice stepped onto the pavement first and then grabbed her date’s arm so he wouldn’t trip while exiting the shiny ride. I covered my mouth with my hand to keep from puking all over my shoes once I caught sight of the black hole on Mr. Edwards face.
My mother, always quick to ride my back, instantly lectured me. “Paula! Mind your manners!” Then she turned to her ghastly new friend and spoke. “You remember my daughter?”
Of course all I could think was that the remaining intact eye might break loose at any second, but to appease my mother I extended my hand in his direction. Thankfully, when his arm lifted, there wasn’t a hook peeking out from under his coat sleeve.
Jace reappeared from the back seat holding what appeared to be a white jawbreaker with a painted pupil on it. “Got it!”
“How can someone just lose their eye? Shouldn’t there be Velcro or something to keep it intact?” I tried to hold my tongue but my filter was broken again.
Alice ignored me and held her hands cupped under Mr. Edwards face as he reinserted it, we certainly couldn’t take the chance that it might roll into the sewer drain.
“Will you folks still be enjoying your dinner here, or would you prefer I drive you to a new location?” Jace had couth I had only dreamed of.
They looked at each other, with four eyes this time, and agreed to continue with their night as planned. He closed the door behind them and stepped aside so they could pass.
My mother called over her shoulder, “I will speak to you when I get home young lady!”
As they disappeared behind the glass doors, I prepared to throw out the number of one of the nicest men I had spoken to in sometime. “I’m so sorry about that whole scene and thank you for being so kind.”
“Would you like to get together sometime? I have a mother too you know.” He gave me a gentle jab with his elbow that was attached to a fantastically strong arm and baseball glove sized hand.
“Is yours as bad as mine?”
“Isn’t everyone’s, in a loving yet annoying sort of way?”
“Good point. And yes, I would definitely like to get together. Can I call you? Look…” After several seconds of fumbling with my wallet, I dug out the folded piece of paper he had given to me previously. “Sometimes I am full of shit, but in this case I really did hold onto it.”
“Very cool. You call me when you’re done being grounded.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Will do. But I think I’m going to pass on dinner here tonight, if I go in she’ll insist that I sit with them and I just can’t. Talk about being officially traumatized over that whole disturbing incident. What that man needs to carry is a spare in a marble bag or at least get a patch.”
Jace released a deep chuckle. “I couldn’t agree more. We’ll talk soon cutie.”
“Okay.” I stood staring at him like a star struck fool and then realized what an idiot I looked like before just turning around and walking away; elegant as always.
Upon returning to my truck, I noticed the free end of a paper that was wedged under my wiper blade, flapping in the wind. Was this my penance for all of the tickets I had written? But there weren’t any meters around. Puzzled, I plucked it free and opened it up. Inside there was a quick note written in perfectly neat handwriting with lots of big loops: ‘Gordie wordie, I couldn’t locate you in the restaurant. You aren’t avoiding me are you? Call me. Mary Elizabeth xoxo’
“Oh for Christ sake!”
What the hell was that all about? Either Benny had left town or she finally figured out that sex didn’t buy jewelry. And worse, she thought my uncle still drove the Escalade! I tore it up and let the pieces blow out the window and down the street as I headed home. Hopefully she would think Gordie wordie was no longer interested, but I suspected Mary Elizabeth wasn’t a woman who was used to being told no. But now was not the time for those worries, there was a tub full of hot water and bubbles with my name written all over it back at the house. Tonight I was dreaming of limos and the hot guy that owned them.
11
Mitexi called me at the crack of dawn the next morning. “You awake?”
“Hell no!” I fumbled to turn the alarm clock in my direction. “It’s 5:40!”
“So you’re still sleeping?”
“Well technically I guess I’m not anymore.”
“Okay good, I would have felt bad if I had woken you up.”
See now this is why we could never be a comedian team, because she thinks she is the funny one.
“Is there a reason you called or was this just for fun?”
“What’s on the agenda today? I want to come; I don’t care where we are going. Even if you have to get bullions pulled off your toes, I’m with you.”
“Bunions.”
“So you do have them! I always wondered why you never wear flip flops in the summer.”
“No, they are called bunions!”
“Well there is no reason to get sensitive about it; I’m not making fun of you or anything.”
I decided to skip right past that portion of the conversation. “I do have at least one very important follow up to handle. Is Phillip taking the baby?”
Her voice dropped into a heavy whisper. “Enola is back early!”
“What happened?”
“She claims she got food poisoning so when the ship docked in St. Thomas, she caught a flight home.”
“Oh no, Phillip isn’t going to blame this on me is he?”
She started snorting. “He’s got other things on his mind. Enola never called to let us know she had cut the trip short so when she made her grand entrance though the front door last night, we got totally busted doing it on the couch!”
“Get out of here!” This might have topped the glass eye incident.
“The worst part is we were so caught up in the moment that the distraction caused Phillip to get stuck, if you know what I mean, so neither of us could run for cover. Enola had to get a pot of cold water from the kitchen to set us free!”
I wanted to speak but my fit of laughter kept me from saying anything. Now peeing was a different story, if I didn’t go now I was sure to wet myself.
She continued on. “She said words I’ve never even heard before and then told me that she was taking Istas with her to light candles in the morning. Together they will pray that we are cleansed of our dirty ways!”
“Do you want to pick me up? Uncle Gordie’s ex-mistress left a note on my windshield last night when I was at Macaroni’s, she thinks he still owns it. I am worried she might try to scratch my eyes out of she sees me driving it.”
“What were you doing there?”
“I just wante
d to get something to eat because Alice had gone on a date and wasn’t making supper.”
“Alice went on a date?”
“I guess so, but then it turned into a complete fiasco, including a missing eyeball.”
“Have I been out of the loop for that long?”
“I’ll explain later. Pick me up in an hour.”
“Gotcha!”
Frantically I pilfered through my dresser drawer to gather a pair of clean undies and socks so that I could hop in the shower. I wanted to get out of my house as badly as Mitexi did hers. Not only was there a lecture over the incident with Mr. Edwards headed my way, but I knew for a fact that Alice hadn’t overlooked the part where I was in full conversation with her limo driver when she rolled down the window for assistance.
Alice always says that my version of quiet is only applicable for a house full of deaf people, so my goal was to try extra hard to prove her wrong today. After yanking on clean jeans and my favorite wooly sweater, I pulled my hair into a neat ponytail and tip toed downstairs. I leaned into the coat closet and grabbed my boots from the smallest end of the line and then focused my attention to the hanging rainbow above me and selected my yellow Northern Face jacket.
But I wasn’t quick enough. Sergeant mommy was leaning against the kitchen counter, coffee in hand, with a smirk on her face.
“Now normally, I would be ready to remind you of your manners where my good friend’s temporarily missing fake organ was concerned. However, I noticed that you were very engrossed in a seemingly normal conversation with that nice young man who drove us around last night.”
“And?” I shifted my weight between feet nervously.
“Does the doctor know about this?”
“Dr. Tom? He is my client mom, not my boyfriend. Anyway, after meeting with him to discuss his case I can assure you that those are not the seeds you want sowed inside me. You’ve got to take my word on this one.”
She had a completely blank expression. I hated that. I would rather be cut with papers on the skin between my fingers or take on the torturous task of sticking fresh cloves in hundreds of oranges before the next holiday party, then to have her be unpredictable.
“What kind of money does a limo driver make? I mean we tipped him well, but you can’t build a future on that!”
“He owns the limo.” I felt dominant revealing that hidden fact. “He’s looking for a new driver now, but didn’t want to lose business during his search so he’s been taking out clients himself. That is where I had originally met him, in the meter maid office, he was paying off tickets.”
“Are you telling me he saw you in that uniform?”
“Well…not exactly.” Oh boy, I didn’t see this one coming. “Anyhow, that is not important, in fact, he approached me last night.”
“Really? You wouldn’t be lying to me would you Paula? Your biological clock is ticking and I’m worried I’m running out of time!”
“You’re running out of time?”
“Yes! You know what happens to grandmothers that are over a certain age? The kids pick on them and put popcorn in their perms when they are facing the wrong way!”
“How much coffee have you had?”
“This is a very serious matter!”
“Alright, well he asked me to call him and I promise I will, okay?”
She eased up a little. “He is quite handsome, don’t you agree?”
“I do…and polite.”
“Well I’m guessing you are heading out early on official business?”
“Yup, Mitexi is picking me up.”
“Enola is back? I thought she wasn’t due until the beginning of next week?”
“Something about not feeling well, she flew in early.”
“That poor dear, I will make her a pan of wild apple cornbread for you to drop off later.”
“You can give it to Mitexi when she brings me home.” I was not getting in the middle of that.
She turned and pulled a plate from the microwave. Knowing I would never succeed in winning the breakfast battle, I took my seat at the table. Today’s feature was a Belgian waffle with a blueberry smile, whipped cream hair and a grape for an eye on one side and a hole cut out in place of the other.
“Mr. Edwards?”
“Yes, I plan on seeing him again, so use this as practice so that you can maintain yourself in a less dramatic way next time.”
“And now you want me to eat it?”
“Consider this your punishment.”
I sighed and dug in. This was an experience that I was sure to need counseling over in my 40s.
12
Shortly after I disconnected with Dr. Tom to let him know we were paying an emergency house visit since it was Saturday, Mitexi pulled up and I climbed in. I had a severe case of passenger seat driver syndrome, but having the shit scared out of me would definitely set the right tone for the meeting we were heading to. Being fired up would let him know he’d better take me seriously. I just hoped that I didn’t make him cry, which would be nothing compared to what Mitexi could unleash, so she was assigned as note taker again.
“So tell me about the eyeball?”
“Alice called to say she had a date with this guy from church who has a fake eye so I decided to treat myself to dinner at Macaroni’s and come to find out they were in the back of the limo looking for it while I was chatting with the driver.”
“Were they doing it?”
“Not to the best of my knowledge; but thanks for forcing me to revisit it for a second time.”
“Wait you were talking to the limo driver?”
“Yes, I can’t believe I forgot to tell you! The day I was robbed…” We both squeaked out a giggle. “I met this guy Jace who gave me his phone number and I kept it but never called. Things suddenly got really busy. And he is way hotter than this 90 degree heat you have on in here.”
“Alice will never go for that. You’re better off just letting me birth you the spawn of a lawyer, it is really your only option.”
“But there is a twist! He’s the owner and was just covering for the night.”
“I wish you had met him before my wedding, those freakin’ things are expensive!”
“No shit! Take this right!”
Mitexi cut the wheel hard and we sailed across both rows of traffic on my right and skidded until we reached the flashing yellow light at the bottom of the ramp.
“Now where?”
I tightened my seat belt. “Straight through the intersection just ahead and then bear left at the fork.”
She tore away, leaving a small rubber strip behind us. “Is it much further?”
“Remind me again of how many sets of tires you go through each year?”
“Got me, I told you, that’s Phillip’s job to worry about.”
The Kirby house was located on the outskirts of town, a small housing development named Hillside. These were the types of houses that the Carrington’s would have purchased if it was around when Mitexi and I were younger, but luckily they weren’t or we never would have met.
21136 Buckingham was tucked away behind of a forest of pine trees. The long drive was lined with lampposts and turned into a loop just outside the front entrance of the house. Its deep chocolate trim blended nicely with the wooded setting. But it was built to look larger than it really was, with oversized garages and jetting peaks. What made it really unique and not necessarily in a good way, were the lion statues that sat on either side of the front stairs.
Unable to control herself, Mitexi took in the landscape. “Could that be any tackier? No wonder the house is hidden behind trees.”
“You are the note taker remember? No observing out loud.”
“Well I’m just saying…”
We pulled close to the edge of the yard and parked next to a snowman without a head. I felt for Zach, who probably missed his dog horribly and perhaps was the angry executioner to Frosty.
Our host opened the front door and welcomed us into his ‘humble abode�
�. We passed through a paneled foyer, topped by an enormous chandelier that swayed as we walked under it, until we reached a family room that boasted an enormous fireplace as a backdrop to the white leather sectional that was situated carefully around the cheetah rug that graced shiny hardwood floors. Matching animal print pillows dotted the couch and complimented the sheer gold curtains that covered the enormous floor to ceiling windows. The only thing missing was Sigmund and Roy.
“Nice place.” Mitexi couldn’t go unheard for long. “I see where you came up with statue idea out front.”
Dr. Tom lit up. “Thank you! I’ve really put a lot of effort into this home.” Instantly his mood turned somber and he looked at me directly. “Were you able to locate Triangle?”
“Actually yes and you weren’t kidding! That dog has some crazy talent!”
Without effort he crossed his legs like I’ve never been able to do and covered his mouth with that hairless fist. “Well then he must be okay?”
“Well ya know, we didn’t talk but I did get up close and was able to pat him. He looked healthy but my suspicions are that he would rather be at home.”
“So what happens now?”
“Listen, I’m going to cut right to the chase. I obtained some information that makes you directly responsible for putting Triangle in the center of this mess.”
At first his face was stunned but quickly changed to take on a standard defensive expression.
Mitexi was all over that. “Don’t even bother lying. I don’t like liars.” She stared him down like he was her next meal.
I softened the tone. “So what is the deal? You have a gambling problem or something? Why couldn’t you pay off your debt to that creepy circus man?”
Then came the tears. “It’s not what you think!” He reached for a tissue out of an iridescent box decorated with rhinestones from the side table. “Remember Seth?”
“The good looking gentleman from the picture you gave me?” Hell ya I remembered Seth!
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