“I think that being close to you is the most important thing right now,” I said. “And I will take the chance that this experiment has given us to make sure that I can stay by your side.” I took a shuddering breath, reaching down through all the muddled emotions to the love I had for him. “You and I are the only thing that makes sense in all this. We can figure anything out as long as we’re together.”
“As long as we’re together,” he echoed.
When we completed our usual ritual of drawing and injecting the blood that bound us together, I tried not to think of how I’d felt standing over the hunters’ bodies. I could regain control.
I had to.
Chapter Seventeen
The next morning, the Hive was lit up for the festival celebrating the balance of light and darkness. The wildlings skilled with plants had encouraged the moss to grow brighter, and a group of determined decorators had brought in sprawling, leafy vines to hang around the central spiral of the Hive. Soul-lanterns dotted the edges of the chamber. Despite the harsh reality of our situation, the Hive looked enchanting. A distant whine began from the corner as an elderly vampire woman began to tune a stringed instrument. The tone as she carefully plucked the strings was bold but not unpleasant; the wooden construct came to life in her hands.
Had Dorian celebrated Helix in Vanim with Lanzon, Laini, Rhome, Kreya, and his other family? I stole a look at him where he stood near our crowd of humans, answering Roxy's questions about the festival. This day might be affecting him more than I thought. Did he need support in this time?
"It's an old festival, older than any of the records in this place, as far as I know," he said. His gaze found me in the crowd, his eyes beckoning me closer, and I moved toward him. "There is a ceremony, at the end of which as many as possible are meant to feed on several volunteers who have filled themselves to capacity with dark energy beforehand. To be one of these volunteers is considered an honored role in the celebration, as you become a symbol of the suffering necessary for vampires to drain darkness away and bring the light. Then, afterward, there will be more music and folktales and dancing."
Arlonne tossed her head of tight brown curls. "The elders could have let the vampires in the Coalition be those volunteers, since we all drained the hunters dry yesterday, but when I asked, they declined. We're bursting with energy, but they don't want to openly endorse our actions."
“They’re not going to let you share?” I asked, shocked. “After all that talk about their lack of resources?”
“Oh, they expect us to share it, all right,” Arlonne said bitterly. “Pyma has already told us who and how much and when, and it’s not going to be until after the celebration. I think they’re hoping people will pretend not to know where it came from.”
I lagged behind our group, mulling over Arlonne’s words. The elders wanted their Helix celebration, but they wouldn't give Dorian and the others a chance to feed half-starving partygoers. At this point, even if they did decide to change their minds about our actions and accept our offer of asylum in Scotland, I wondered if they would be able to make such a controversial decision public. As Brand and his group of supporters had shown, there were plenty in the Hive with more extreme feelings toward the Coalition and the mixing of castes than those of the elders, who seemed to mostly be acting out of a desire to protect the Hive.
Bright movement from the corner of my eye made me turn as two Hive guards escorted Juneau into the room. Out of his makeshift prison? I felt a spark of delighted surprise at seeing him; it seemed Laini had been able to convince the guards to let him attend. I slunk away from the group to greet him, still unsure around my teammates after yesterday.
To my surprise, the lean-faced vampire guard on the left, who was one of Juneau's usual guards in his fabric prison, grinned at the ruler. “There's no way that's true."
"It is," Juneau squawked in playful protest. His face was freshly scrubbed, his hair combed and arranged in a tidy braid over his shoulder. He faced me, his tone conspiratorial. "Lyra, tell them about my fabulous designs back home. They don't believe that I can make garments that move like fire."
I smirked, noting how well Juneau was getting along with the guards now. He must've broken down their barriers with his incessant but charming chatter. Amazing, how Juneau could put people at ease.
"Juneau can create anything," I said loyally. "He works with a talented team of makers to shape the magic into things you’d never believe were possible."
"But I'm the designer," Juneau assured them. “They’re my ideas.”
"Sure." The lean-faced guard turned to me. "We're sticking to the sides of the room. There are probably many people who won't be happy about his presence, but… he’s done a lot of work crafting clothes and uniforms for everyone here."
The Hive elders watched cautiously from their side of the room, but I shrugged. If he wasn't explicitly banned, then there was nothing they could say, and there was a surprising number of partygoers across all castes who noted his arrival with friendly faces. Against all odds, Juneau was slowly starting to gain favor, especially with those in the Coalition who didn’t know him previously.
I studied the central spiral of the Hive, briefly wondering what Gate Maker was doing. I’d invited him to come along, but he snapped at me irritably that he had no interest in watching a bunch of vampires celebrate something he didn’t care about.
"If everyone could please make way for the performers, the ceremony is about to begin," Mox said, her sonorous voice echoing through the central spiral.
Everyone gathered at the edges of the room, leaving plenty of space around a table dressed in deep purple and amber drapes, the vampires’ representation of darkness and light.
Mandola began to narrate in a language I didn’t know, but Dorian whispered to me that it was ancient vampiric. Mox stepped aside as two vampires entered the room. These vampires wore amber robes that flickered like the souls in the sky, the same amber color as the drapes. Each carried a white stone and a black stone that they began to strike together to light an array of candles on the table. As they did, two vampires in purple followed them, snuffing out every other candle, which the amber-robed vampires would then relight, the pattern of flames and smoke creating an intricate dance. The light forged ahead, but the darkness chased. By the end, half the candles remained aglow while the rest released curls of aromatic smoke from the herbs placed into the wax.
Even though I couldn’t understand the words of the ceremony, I followed the dancing lights. The rising smoke turned luminescent as it filled the room, and the lichen on the walls crackled audibly, reacting to something in the smoke. Everything in the room glowed stronger and fiercer than ever, and my breath caught at the unexpected beauty. It was clear that the ceremony had been thrown together—the movements of the dancers were rough, and the candles were little more than stubs—but they had still managed to create a magical spectacle. The other vampires watched closely, many weeping openly.
Juneau caught me admiring the colorful fabrics on the vampires and leaned close to whisper, "That was me. A couple of makers and I worked with some old tattered garments." He beamed. "The elder with the gangly limbs said not to tell, though, so keep it a secret."
I nodded but found myself frowning. Not very fair of them, to deny credit where it’s due.
As the smoke faded into nothing and the rest of the candles were snuffed out to preserve them, the ceremony wrapped up. The vampire woman with the stringed instrument was joined by a drummer playing several large wooden hoops covered in pale gray skin and a young woman tapping a ring of brass bells in her hand.
The dancing began. Our human group checked with the wildlings to see if the dark green drinks being served were okay for us humans. They said we would be fine, Gren handing me a glass with a smile. I tasted the concoction. It bubbled lightly on my tongue with a bittersweet taste.
"To Zach," I offered, raising my glass with a flutter of nerves. “My poor brother got shot with a gauntlet a da
y before his big day. What a way to celebrate.”
If there was still any lingering tension, Zach didn’t let on, grinning in response to my toast as our group raised our cups.
"Not how I’d expected to spend my twenty-fourth birthday," he admitted wryly.
Gina smiled at me, and I smiled back, relieved. Their avoidance of me lessened as the party wore on, and slowly, slowly, I began to try and relax. I studied the subtle politics of the room as Coalition vampires went to mingle with the Hive. Zach downed his glass of green drink and hopped into the mingling, but I hung back. Tonight, I preferred watching, since I lacked trust in handling my temper right now.
I stifled a chuckle as I watched Echen throw his gangly arms around on the dance floor, looking adorable as he thrashed beside a woman, a non-Coalition vampire. My eyes found Reshi, who began an elegant dance all her own. Nobody had a hope of cutting in, although I saw some makers who cast her longing looks. My grin grew as I watched Kane and Roxy on the edge of the dance floor, moving stiffly to the strange beat.
"Turn," Bryce bellowed with a deep laugh. He spun Arlonne around as she grinned, fangs flashing in a happy smile. They managed to work around her missing limb and Bryce's arm in a sling.
My smile faded as my bubbly sensation of happiness began to sink like an anchor. As much as I wanted to enjoy it, this situation felt wrong for me. If I stepped forward, I was sure that I would touch an invisible barrier separating me from the others, even Dorian. I leaned against the wall, abandoning my drink. The pulse of pain from my earlier headache returned behind my eyes.
Dorian wandered over to me. He looked handsome in his cloak, which he had cleaned as best he could before the festivities.
"Everything okay?" he asked, tucking me under his arm as he watched the dancing continue.
As much as I didn’t want to put a damper on his enjoyment, I settled on the truth. "I don't feel well. I can't get in the mood."
His eyes softened, and he squeezed me tight. I enjoyed the pleasant shudder it sent through me.
"I'm glad you're here with me," he murmured into my hair, which was, for once, loose and falling past my shoulders.
I rested my head against his chest, not caring if anyone saw. The tension from the battle was gone, and we watched everyone enjoy themselves.
But my thoughts were traitorous. They refused to let me sink into Dorian's touch or the joy in the room. Instead, my mind went to those who weren't here. Carwin, Detra, Rhome, and Kreya were still healing. Rhome and his family had been devastated. Would they ever be able to celebrate again?
Dorian stared out into the crowd, oblivious to the dark thoughts swirling inside me. He softly started to recount how he and his family used to celebrate this holiday. I wanted his voice to soften my heart and calm my anxiety, but even as I hugged him, my skin turned numb.
"I should go rest for a few minutes," I whispered hoarsely. The stress wasn't good for me; I needed time alone. "I'll be back in a bit."
The unnatural worry dragged down my spine, pricking me with a million needling thoughts of dread. If I’d been home in Chicago, I would have gone down to the gym to work this feeling out on a treadmill. I wasn’t sure what I could do in the Hive.
"Okay," Dorian muttered, stiffening a little, as he was caught off guard by my sudden withdrawal. “I’ll come and check in on you in a bit to see how you’re doing.”
“Sure.” I left before I made it even worse. Why was I being such a wet blanket? I sighed wearily as I made my way through the hallways.
My headache continued to pulse as I made my way out of the central spiral. Sike waved at me as I passed him talking to a few wildlings. Groups and couples gathered in the halls near the main chamber, but people thinned out as I walked farther into the Hive. I needed a corner where I could shut my eyes and clear my mind. I rubbed the bridge of my nose as I peeked down a few passageways but nixed them, as the spots were on the main path. Finally, I noticed a side passageway that promised privacy and darkness. Perfect.
I turned the corner and froze when I spotted Roxy and Kane.
They were kissing.
Chapter Eighteen
I should have immediately backed away, but it's not every day that you find two of your teammates wrapped tongue to tonsils. Call it shock, but my feet refused to budge.
Roxy's red hair tangled with Kane's dark locks as he picked her up, pressing her firmly against the wall. Her legs came up to wrap around his waist, and Kane let out a guttural grunt that was a mix of pleasure and frustration, like something he would do when they sparred.
I stared. Kane and Roxy? Their barbed flirting had been obvious, but I hadn’t considered they’d take it a step further during our intense mission. Then the moment in the nursery area came back to me, Kane's soft look at Roxy, and all at once it was very clear they had actual feelings for one another.
But… wait…
They weren’t wincing or passing out or showing any sign of pain, despite their proximity. Burning frustration began to bubble to life in my stomach, rushing through my veins. This wasn't possible. It wasn't fair.
You're being ridiculous. You need to leave.
I wanted to listen to the wise voice, but I wasn’t quick enough. All it took was a shaky breath for Kane’s elevated hearing to notice my presence.
Kane and Roxy leapt apart. There was a flash of startled vulnerability in Roxy’s face before she turned away, adjusting her shirt and her hair.
“Why were you spying on us?" Kane asked hotly, shooting me a furious, embarrassed look.
At his hostility, my shame at being caught watching quickly morphed into defensive outrage. You’re the one in the middle of a hallway.
"I wasn't spying," I insisted. "I stumbled across you guys in a public place." My voice sounded tight even to me.
"Public? It's a hidden corner of a dark hallway," Kane shot back. “You don’t just stumble across a place like this.”
On some level, I knew that I should immediately apologize and walk away, because I had been in the wrong to stay even more than a second, but even as I fought it, the anger rose and crushed everything in its path. They were being stupid, messing about with a curse that had nearly killed me multiple times.
"Maybe it’s a good thing I did," I replied fiercely. "Have you two even considered how irresponsible and reckless you’re being right now? Tensions are already high with the Hive vampires about inter-species mixing. And did you forget that the first time Dorian and I kissed my heart stopped? I was in the hospital for three damn days, and you think that here, on another plane of existence, is the perfect time to make a move on your feelings for each other? We don't need any more curse-related issues right now."
A maelstrom of emotions raced across Roxy’s face: vulnerability, fear, shame, shock, and annoyance, but her expression became stonier until she scoffed loudly. "Really, Lyra? Are you freakin' kidding me? You dragged us through months of your little vampire soap opera, and now you have the nerve to tell me when and where I get to kiss someone? It's not like you and Dorian were ever discreet." She snapped her mouth shut, simmering with rage.
My anger fed off hers, inflamed further by her casual dismissal of the struggle I’d endured for so many painful months. I’d spent so long fighting for something that she was just taking for granted.
"Dorian and I always made sure that everyone was taken care of before ourselves. The mission always came first." Memories of lonely nights came flooding back, how we’d had to steal every precious moment. All my old feelings about Roxy and our complicated history rose up. The years spent in a power struggle, her resentment when I had been promoted to first lieutenant before her, how she had initially refused to believe me when I told her about the Bureau’s planned genocide of the vampires.
Roxy let out a hollow laugh. "Oh yes, you two were always so measured and responsible and careful. You’ve never acted on impulse or had an unexpected feeling in your life, have you? Not the perfect Lyra Sloane. You and Dorian definitely don’t sne
ak off every night to one of the other storerooms for your own nocturnal trysts, which is strange considering how concerned you suddenly are about what the Hive vampires think of inter-species relationships.” She gestured between her and Kane. “Are you under the impression that we’re both complete idiots? Seriously? Do you ever get tired of being on that high horse?"
Normally, I would have been able to ignore her insulting tone, but now it slipped under my skin like splinters. I wanted to punch her.
"This situation is completely different," I shot back, gritting my teeth. "I'm not shoving my tongue down Dorian's throat while we hold on to the scraps of our shaky partnership with our only allies in the Immortal Plane." I glared at them both. “You should have asked Dorian or me about this before you jumped in. What if you’d both gone unconscious and no one had found you for hours?”
“Well, it’s such a public setting I doubt that would have happened,” Kane drawled cuttingly. He shook his head, throwing up his hands in angry dismissal. "Forget it. This was a bad idea." He turned on his heel and walked away down the corridor.
Roxy's mouth dropped, and for a moment, genuine hurt and disappointment flashed behind her tough composure. A sharp needle of shame punctured my anger as it struck me that I had ruined what should have been a special moment between the two of them. Why hadn’t I just walked away and talked to them later?
Roxy whirled on me, glowering. "What the hell is wrong with you? Get the stick out of your ass and chill the hell out. It was a kiss. Maybe you're just jealous that you can't handle the curse as well as I can." She took several steps after Kane, but then turned on her heel and gave me a look of hurt shrouded in anger. “I’d have thought you of all people wouldn’t make an issue of this. I defended you when you shot the two prisoners, and you still don’t respect me enough to let me explore this with Kane without judging.” She sneered in disgust. “I knew you had your faults, but I never took you for a hypocrite.”
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