by Dana Nussio
She couldn’t look away as more of them passed by her, their posture rigid, their expressions somber. When finally there was a break in the line of heads, her gaze shifted to it and slid lower. At the center of the group, Shane looked devastatingly handsome in his dress uniform, his hat perched on his head. He sat straighter in his chair today than she’d ever seen him as he joined the others to honor his friend’s service.
They all continued on to the grave site, none appearing to notice her as she climbed out of the car and joined them, remaining at the back of the crowd. The police chaplain used a microphone, but from where she stood, it was still difficult to hear.
The service was short, just a few comments, a few scriptures, and then it was over. As a bugler performed a haunting rendition of “Taps” at the back of the crowd, Natalie searched for Shane’s face among the mourners, but the crowd was too dense.
But as everyone returned to their cars, several stragglers remained, lining up to file past the casket one last time. She finally located Shane near the back of the line, waiting for his turn to pay his respects. Only when it was his turn, Shane looked ahead as if judging whether the narrow aisle between the casket and the guest chairs would be wide enough for his chair. But then, instead of rolling past, he locked his wheels, moved aside the foot plates and stood.
Natalie’s breath caught, but she took a few steps forward to get a better look. The officer behind Shane handed him a cane and stood close behind him for support, but Shane did all the work. Gripping that cane handle so tightly his arm shook, he took several small steps along the length of his casket. He paused to splay his hand on the top and then continued another few steps to the opposite side of the tent. Two officers there helped him back into his chair.
Her throat thick with emotion and her eyes filling, Natalie smiled over Shane’s accomplishment. He’d told her that he hoped his friend would be healthy enough to attend his commendation ceremony, and he’d hoped to walk across that stage under his own power. Life had disagreed with his plans, though, so he’d taken this walk for his friend’s sake. And his own.
She was already brushing tears away as she hurried back to her car. Coming to see him here hadn’t been such a great idea after all. He didn’t deserve to have her ambush him at such a private moment.
She was halfway to her car when Shane called her name. She turned back to find him rolling up behind her. He stopped when she turned to face him.
“Why are you here?”
She’d expected him to be mad that she’d tracked him down, but he just looked drained, his face ruddy, his eyes red and swollen.
Natalie shook her head. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Shane. I didn’t know...” She paused and shrugged. “I shouldn’t have come today.”
He glanced over his shoulder to the officers who’d helped him back to his chair. One of them pointed to let him know where they would be. Shane nodded and turned back to her.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have. But you still haven’t told me why you did.”
“I wanted to say I’m sorry. For so many things. But you wouldn’t give me a chance.”
“In my defense, I have been a little busy.” He gestured toward the scene where his friend’s body had just been laid to rest.
“I didn’t even give you the chance to tell me about Kent.”
He smiled this time, even if it was a sad one. “I guess you didn’t. But I didn’t exactly answer your voice mails or texts, either.”
“Oh, you noticed that.”
“I wasn’t ready.” He licked his lips. “Maybe I’m still not ready.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly cold. He might never forgive her for the things she’d said, but she still owed him an apology.
“I just need to say a few things and I’ll go.” She waited for his nod before continuing. “I’m sorry for all the things I said to you.”
“You were just worried and upset.”
“That’s no excuse.”
“I guess not.” He shrugged and then considered for a few seconds. “Even if some of the things you said were right?”
Natalie shook her head. “It was cruel and unprofessional for me to call you a coward over your recovery.”
“I’m sorry, too. We both said a lot of cruel things. Things we didn’t mean.”
She rolled her lips. “I wish I could take back everything I said.”
“Everything?”
She drew her brows together. “What?”
“I’m asking if you want to take back everything you said.”
At once she understood what he was asking. She might have called him a coward, but she’d also said she loved him. Her heart squeezed with the memory that he’d said it, too. That he’d appeared to mean it as much as she had. She would never take those words back. She would carry them with her forever in her heart.
“You didn’t answer me.”
The pain in her chest squeezed tighter. She couldn’t answer him. Not now. Not when the pain in her heart was still so raw. She chose to answer some of the questions he hadn’t asked instead. Something she hoped would show her love, even if she could no longer say those words aloud.
“I’m sure you made both your parents and your mentor proud through the man you’ve become,” she said simply.
Shane’s gaze narrowed, but he didn’t point out that she hadn’t answered the question.
She gestured toward his uniform with its navy jacket, lighter blue pants with a darker stripe and the silver tie knotted at his neck. His bright silver badge reflected the light, even on this gray day. It was the first time she’d seen him in uniform and the first time she could appreciate the significance of it.
“You should be proud as well of the honorable life you...have chosen.”
Natalie hated that her voice broke on what should have been an innocuous comment. She turned and stalked away, running from impotent feelings and dashed hopes. It was she who’d wanted to come here. Now she would be the first to walk away, taking her broken heart with her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
TWO MONTHS LATER, Natalie took her seat in the high school auditorium, where Shane’s commendation ceremony was about to begin. The event had been rescheduled a second time, perhaps to allow Shane to be further along in his recovery, but it was finally about to begin.
At least she wasn’t the only nervous one, she decided as her mother sat next to her in the wheelchair section, gripping handfuls of her long skirt in her lap. It was hard enough for Natalie to not get her hopes up tonight without having to worry that her mother would be disappointed if Shane’s invitation had only been a polite one.
The memory of when they’d first received it still made her smile. Natalie had planned a pity party when her mother had announced that Shane had invited her, only to discover that both of their names were on the envelope.
“Aren’t the flowers nice?” Elaine gushed as they glanced around the auditorium, taking in the decorations and the table covered with framed certificates.
“Everything’s beautiful.”
But Natalie wasn’t really looking. At least not at those things. She couldn’t pull her gaze off the five rows of uniformed state troopers in their seats up front.
She didn’t want to dampen her mother’s enthusiasm, though. Elaine looked healthier than she had in months, her cheeks a pretty pink and even the sores from her shingles healing up nicely under her skirt and long sweater. Maybe their new living situation, with Natalie in her own apartment and her mother living on her own with full-time support, had been good for the both of them.
“I’m glad we could come to this together,” Natalie said.
As soon as her mother started scanning the room again, Natalie did some looking around of her own. Where was he? Even though the officers weren’t wearing their hat
s, it still wasn’t easy to single out Shane. She couldn’t even figure out where they would park his chair.
Was he even there? Could there have been a downturn in his health? Of course not. She was leaping to conclusions faster than a person on that stage could dive into the orchestra pit below. He’d looked just fine each time she’d seen him working with Deborah at the clinic lately, although she couldn’t be certain since they hadn’t actually spoken. In fact, he’d been so hyperfocused at each of his sessions that she’d never even caught him watching her. She’d done enough looking for both of them.
Elaine was straining her neck searching for Shane.
“Do you think he’ll stop by and speak to us before it starts?”
“I’m not sure.” Well, she’d hoped so, but as the minutes ticked away, she had her doubts. Could all of her anticipation have been for nothing? She’d thought this would be a perfect time to tell him about all the changes she’d made in her life, that she’d actually claimed her life, so she couldn’t help feeling disappointed that she might not get the chance.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer called into the microphone, “we’d like to welcome you to this year’s Michigan State Police awards ceremony. Each of the individuals we will recognize today exemplifies all of the qualities of our state police value statement.
“In the MSP, we have—” He paused, waiting for dozens of other voices to join him in repeating, “A proud tradition of service through excellence, integrity and courtesy.”
Hearty applause followed the opening remarks and continued as the announcer introduced each officer and read the story of his or her heroism. Natalie felt guilty for only half listening to the stories of honor and bravery, but she couldn’t focus. Not when she still hadn’t seen Shane.
“Now I would like to introduce one of our brothers, who reached out to a domestic-abuse victim at great risk to his personal safety. Let’s welcome Shane Warner.”
Natalie glanced from one side of the stage to the other, expecting Shane to roll out from one of them. Instead, not one but two men stood up from the front row. Still using a cane to walk but looking stronger than he had even two weeks earlier, Shane crossed to the stage’s side stairs. As he passed, fellow officers came to their feet to cheer him on. The other officer, whom Natalie now recognized as Vinnie, helped Shane as he climbed the steps, but the rest he did for himself.
“Thanks so much, everyone,” Shane said when he reached the lectern, gripping the sides for balance. “Your support has meant so much to me.”
Unlike the other officers being recognized, Shane told his own story, the details giving Natalie gooseflesh just as they had the first time he’d shared it with her.
“And I owe my life to this guy,” he said, indicating Vinnie with a wide sweep of his hand. “You’ll hear about him next, but first, I wanted to let you know that there’s an upside to getting shot.”
The crowd laughed and then quieted to hear the rest of his story. Natalie leaned forward in her seat and listened even more closely.
“I never knew this, but getting shot really helps with the ladies,” he continued. “It’s not what you’re thinking. My injury allowed me to meet a special lady. I counted on her to help me walk again, but she has done so much more. She has taught me to forgive myself. Helped me see that I am worthy of forgiveness. And I couldn’t be more grateful. So thank you, Natalie Keaton.”
Natalie’s hand moved to her chest. She couldn’t believe it. Maybe he’d forgiven her after all. Like she’d forgiven him.
“Stand up, Natalie,” her mother said.
She shook her head, confused. But then she glanced at the stage, where Shane lifted a hand in her direction. The crowd applauded until, embarrassed, she stood. After a few seconds, she sank back into her seat.
Finally, one of the superior officers crossed the stage and presented Shane with his award. Applause broke out for the hero this time, the one who deserved it. Shane slowly returned to his seat, and others were honored, Vinnie and a few more, all who’d performed heroic acts in the service of others.
When the ceremony ended, Natalie knew she should wait, should give Shane the extra time to come to her, but she couldn’t sit there any longer. She’d waited this long, had taken the time to focus on getting her own life in order, on doing the things that would make him proud and make her proud of herself. Now she couldn’t wait another minute to be near him. And to take a chance.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” she told her mother.
She hurried down the aisle toward the stage. Shane met her before she’d made it halfway. Others stepped around them, some with open curiosity, but Natalie barely noticed. She was with Shane. Finally.
He smiled at her, and she couldn’t help smiling back. Her heart pounded so fast she thought it would beat out of her chest. She couldn’t get ahead of herself. She didn’t even know what he had to say yet.
With one hand resting heavily on his cane, Shane lifted his other to wave. “Hi.”
“Hi.” She cleared her throat and shoved her hands in the pockets of the new spring skirt she’d worn just for him. “My mom and I wanted to thank you for the invitation. This was great.”
“Glad you could come.”
“I’ve had so many things to tell you,” she said, the words rushing from her mouth. “I have my own place now. Mom’s doing great on her own. With support. She goes to activities at the senior center on Tuesdays. And I started playing again. On an old upright piano. Everything’s good, and I owe it all to you.”
When she’d finally run out of words, she looked to him and waited.
“I’m glad you’re doing so well.”
Polite. Civil. But no more than that. Had she expected too much? Had he just been extending an olive branch and she’d expected an engagement ring? The words he’d said on stage suggested more than that, but maybe she’d just heard what she wanted to hear. So she braced herself for whatever he said next, praying that it wouldn’t be goodbye.
“I’ve missed you.”
Her breath caught. Had she heard him right? Did this mean what she thought it meant?
“And I really want to hear all of the things you’re telling me, but right now... I just really want to kiss you.”
She blinked. He’d surprised her again, but she recovered faster this time.
“Then I guess you’ll have to do what you need to do.”
He took two steps forward and dipped his head to capture her lips in a kiss filled with passion and promise and, quite possibly, love. As she tilted her head back to fully accept his kiss, she realized with a jolt that it was the first time he’d held her in his arms while both of them were standing. It should have seemed odd, particularly since he was the first man who’d had to bend his head to kiss her, and the badge on his crisp dress uniform pressed into her collarbone as he did it, but this was Shane. He was the man she’d told herself she shouldn’t want, and he’d turned out to be the only one she couldn’t live without.
“I’m in love with you,” he breathed next to her ear before returning his lips to hers.
Her hands had slipped around his neck, her fingers brushing over the newly short-trimmed hair at his nape, when loud applause exploded. They jerked back quickly to find a baker’s dozen officers in dress uniforms gathered around them, cheering. Natalie’s cheeks burned, but nothing could stop her from grinning.
“And you thought a measly commendation would be the best gift you got today,” Vinnie called out, and everyone laughed.
“If one of those comes with a commendation, I’d better get out there and save somebody,” someone else piped in.
On one side, the circle of fans split, and Elaine rolled closer.
“Looks like I missed a good show,” she said, smiling.
“Well, hello, sweetheart.” Shane stepped closer to Elaine and
bent to drop a kiss on her cheek.
Natalie crossed to her mother, as well. “Mom, I was just telling Shane about my apartment and the piano.”
“And I didn’t have the heart to tell her I already knew about all of it,” Shane said from beside her.
At Natalie’s sidelong glance, Shane explained, “I’ve been receiving updates.”
Her gaze shot back to her mother. “You’ve been in contact with Shane all this time?”
Elaine gave an apologetic grin. “It would have been a shame to lose contact with my friend.”
Natalie turned back to Shane. “You knew all of that, and you still waited until now...?”
“We both needed time to figure our own stuff out.”
Natalie nodded. She couldn’t disagree with that.
Shane gestured toward the other officers and then the woman Natalie recognized as the wife of his late friend Kent.
“I need to thank some people for coming, okay?”
“We’ll be here,” Natalie told him and then moved to crouch next to her mother.
If she’d thought her mother had appeared healthy and happy before, now she looked downright giddy.
“You’ve got one of the good ones,” Elaine said as she pressed her cheek to her daughter’s. “And so does he.”
Natalie kissed Elaine’s cheek. Who would have thought that in order to help her mother learn to live again, she’d needed to finally begin living her own life? And open her heart to a man who just happened to adore them both.
She sneaked a peek at him now and caught him staring. As they exchanged a secret smile, her skin warmed under his steady gaze. Her heart was full. They hadn’t made any commitments yet, but the promise was there in his eyes.
She wasn’t in a rush, either. This most amazing, heroic man loved her, so her life was already nearly perfect. As she watched him, knowing the love shining in his eyes was reflected in hers, she was certain that their lives would only get better.