“Good, you are awake.” she heard him say.
He placed the cup on the small shelf beside her. She saw he was still wearing only the shorts he had on the other time. Tina sat up and rubbed the sleepiness out of her eyes. She lifted the cup to her mouth, breathing the sweet fumes of the beverage in before taking a tentative sip from the cup. The coffee wasn’t scalding hot, Tina drank a bit more.
Toby came into the room also holding a cup of coffee too. She saw sharp outlines of muscles on his chest. His work out every Saturday was not going to waste. His arms were all muscles and his legs looked firm and athletic. Tina cleared her throat and looked up to Toby’s eyes.
“Now tell me what that was about.” she asked.
CHAPTER 12
THAT HUNGRY LOOK
“L
et me say thank you first of all. You helped clean my mess.” Toby said, dropping the cup beside him.
Tina nodded. She waited a bit, expecting him to start talking about what caused the tears a few hours ago. When it was obvious he wasn’t willing to talk, Tina spoke up.
“If you think you won’t give me an explanation for the crying show you must be kidding. I allowed you to cry all over me, I deserve answers.” Tina said, her voice stronger now that she had cleared it with hot coffee.
Toby laughed a little.
“I felt you would be allowing me to keep my secrets.” he said.
“Let them be our secret now.” she replied, refusing to yield to the urge to smile back to his amused look.
“What exactly do you want me to say?” he asked.
Tina stood up and went to sit beside him on the cushioned stool he had beside the bed. Toby drew in a deep breath. Tina could hear the air entering his nostrils. His look had changed; there was a sickly frown on his face now like someone who had seen death. Tina wanted to tell him to stop.
“My father called.” he answered.
He stopped for a while as if Tina would understand that his father calling would bring so much sadness.
“Was this his first time of calling? Or is his situation getting critical?” she thought. So many questions roamed behind her eyes but she was weary that she would ask them and Toby wouldn’t say his reason anymore.
“You remember the day we met?” Toby asked.
He had stood up from the cushioned stool and walked over to the bed. He sat down, facing her.
“Yes, I do.” she replied.
Toby nodded. She saw that he was happy she remembered but he wasn’t happy in the real sense of it. He liked that she remembered, that much was obvious in his reaction. But he wasn’t happy.
“I asked a question that day.” he said, his words coming out slow and clear.
“You said I should tell you what made me choose law as my course of study.” she replied.
“Any striking occurrence, no role model, no encouraging tutor.” he said. He remembered his exact words from that day. Tina remembered it too. She remembered asking him back and seeing his look change. His smile had become a grim frown and an angered stoniness had crept into his eyes. Tina remembered how he didn’t say anything when she had asked, and how she had chosen not to press forward.
“Your dad is the reason why.” she said. It was more a question than a statement.
“Yes.” Toby answered. It was spoken so surreptitiously that Tina didn’t see his mouth move, she wasn’t sure he had said it.
“My dad has been in prison for the past 20 years Tina, ten more years to go.” he said.
He had been looking away before and Tina had been concentrating on his chest, the lack of hair there. She was seeing the drawn-out rising of his defined breasts and the thin skin hugging his muscles down below. She was seeing a powerful man. His arms were huge; two sinewy stretches of skin adjoined to smaller ones that ended in a palm that was as soft as the skin on a newborn. She wondered how two contrasting textures could be on the same appendage.
But now he had looked up. His gaze was boring, it drilled down past the pits her eyes were. Tina felt like he could see her soul like he could see what she was thinking.
“I was born out of wedlock Tina.” he paused after saying that.
“Cliché right? It’s a black American thing, nothing to pity in that.” he continued.
Tina shook her head to say no. Toby’s gaze was on her but she wasn’t sure he had seen her.
“Well, my mom had left me with my dad from birth. She ran away with an up and coming musician. My mom left me with him. So he and my grandma, my dad’s mother were responsible for bringing me up.” he said.
He stood up to go to his cabinet. He opened the lower door and that was when Tina realized it was a small fridge. The bigger upper door opened to the compartment for his clothing and accessories, below was a fridge where he had bottles of water stacked. He picked one and closed the door back. Then he faced her again.
“My life is a typical black American cliché, isn’t it?” he asked.
Tina answered by smiling a weak smile that made her look sad. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know which answer was more insulting, yes or no.
“Well, my father wasn’t educated. So he provided for me by doing odd jobs, his average day had him working shifts in three or four companies.” Toby said.
“But when I clocked two something happened. Just two days to my birthday, a gang of bank robbers was caught by the police and my father was one of them. They had killed three police personnel and a civilian was also dead, caught in the crossfire. They would have been given a medium jail term for breaking and entering and the other lesser charges but now murder was one of them.
My father claimed innocence throughout the trial. He told me many times how he shouted his story to everyone that was willing to hear. Except for his lawyer, he found out many people were willing to hear, few people were willing to do. I read the case transcript myriad times, he took a new lawyer later in the case because the former one was defending all of them on a premise that my dad wouldn’t accept.”
He stopped talking, broke the seal of the bottle he had picked and drank two huge gulps of water. She saw his Adam’s apple bobbing like a leaf on slow flowing river; it bobbed up and down like there were ripples coming from his mouth to his stomach.
“Was he part of them?” she asked.
“No. He swore to me even today, I have told him I don’t need him to convince me anymore but he claims he has to do it. He has to reassure me because the rest of the world doesn’t believe him.
He was a friend of the four other guys but he wasn’t very close to them. They knew each other because they gathered after work to play a few rounds of draught in front of the pub at the end of their street. He had been going somewhere that day; he was going to one of the factories he worked at. He saw them in a car moving down the road he intended to go and he opened their car and jumped in without telling them. The car had been moving at cruise speed so it was easy to jump in. He said he was in when he noticed something wrong. All except the driver were holding huge guns: shotguns and submachine guns. One of them told him to shut up and look normal. It was then he saw a bag of what he knew was money between the legs of one of them. They had their guns drawn on him, there was only one choice and that was life. He said nothing and they maneuvered their way till they got rid of the car at the other part of the town.”
“Did your father tell you this?” Tina asked him. She had a flabbergasted look on her face as if he had poured icy cold water on her feet.
“Yes. He almost always repeats the entire story to me anytime we talk, one way or another.” he answered.
“He went home, confused as to what to do. He was contemplating going to tell the police when the police broke into our flat. I cannot remember, of course, because I was two, but he says I cried all through till the police came. It was like I could see what was about to happen. He was arrested and charged with the rest, his charges were as numerous as theirs. He was assumed to be a part of their gang. They had been caught on camera where they went to
dispose and burn the car they used. The video was as incriminating. He explained his story but the others did not corroborate. And the police had the story created such that he played an integral role in the planning of the robbery. He was charged, tried and convicted with the rest of them. Two out of them who had shot down the police were given life in prison; New Jersey doesn’t give the death penalty. My dad and the other two were given 30 years.”
He was done; he looked like he was done. His eyes were brilliant. There was a sheen to them, the kind of sheen that developed when one opened her eyes to a high-speed wind. It was the kind of sheen that became tears if gathered for long enough. Tina noticed his voice had caught at the end of the final sentence.
This was why he had chosen to become an attorney.
“I am sorry about your dad.” she said. She didn’t know what else to say. She was confused.
“Don’t be.” he replied. His reply was sharp and immediate more of a retort than a reply. He said it as if he was tired of saying it.
He was on his feet now. He was standing with a stiff pose, facing her like a cat defying the entrance of another into its territory. It was like he was confronting her, daring her to oppose him. The tears had disappeared from his eyes, there was anger there now. And a defiance that she could see was his driving force.
This was what made Toby.
This is what drives him. This is the force behind every answered question, the hunger that eats up the knowledge he accumulates by constant reading. He has to feed, to be the best. He has to look his best, come out as the best, and prove his mettle beyond all reasonable doubt.
“Are you the one who convicted him? Or were you in the police when they refused to investigate properly? Did they do that because it was cliché because another black man found among a gang which had three other black men and just one white was following the stereotype? Were you among the group of men who allowed their friend to lose thirty years of his life?”
Tina didn’t answer, she couldn’t. She was scared. Toby looked like he could take off her head if she answered.
“Answer me!” he shouted. It was a roar that made Tina jump up in fear. She drew farther away from him. When her back hit the wall, she stood up. She was fearful of what he could do; she reminded herself where the door was.
Make a run for it if he does anything violent.
It was as if Toby saw her thoughts.
“You want to make a run for it, don’t you?” he said. His voice had become an agonizing whine. It held pain now, raw pain.
She shook her head.
“I don’t want to make a run.” she lied. Her voice was strange to her. It was thin and shaky, an auditory image of her state of mind.
“You can, I never meant to touch you.” he said.
“Every angry black man is cruel.” he said, his voice was strong but filled with pain. ‘Isn’t that your belief too?”
“I am not willing to add to the demographic of white women assaulted by angry black men. You can go, I never expected you to understand anyway. You are white, just like the rest of them.” he said. His voice dripped with hatred and a lack of patience. He sounded like he was tired of the typing, tired of the way other whites looked at him.
Tina realized her error. Toby wasn’t angry at her for being white. He was angry at her because she was reacting the way he expected every white person to when they were witnessing deep pain or anger from someone with darker skin.
She took two steps to him. The first one was tentative. Her toes twitched from the naked foot like tentacles, feeling the air around to report any negative sensation. The second was bolder.
When he saw her walk towards her, he crumbled into the wall. He looked like he had lost the control of his feet and guided himself on to the bed. Tina walked with more confidence now. Her steps were still slow and measured but there was no hesitation in them anymore, no fear. She sat beside him when she got to the bed and placed her head on his neck. She could feel the warm torrent of his breath running through her hair. She could see the apple that had finally stopped bobbing.
“I am sorry because I care about you Toby. Now I have a glimpse into what makes you up. I have a small understanding of what drives you to be who you are, why you will leave a long time before each class to be ahead of others. Now I understand why you read every day after class no matter how long the class took and how tired we are.”
He seemed pacified with what she said but she wasn’t ready for what came next.
“He has been diagnosed with cancer, osteosarcoma.” he said.
For the first time, his voice was without feeling. Tina wasn’t sure but it sounded like he had resigned himself to the fate of his father. She was sure she was not hearing his tone right because everything Toby stood for was against resigning oneself to life.
She raised her head till her eyes faced his eyes, his nose touched hers and their mouths were one tongue flick away.
“When did you find out?” she asked, her voice a bare whisper.
“He just told me. He was having constant aches and other cancer symptoms. The state will fund his chemotherapy. I just want him out of there. I have already lost his best twenty years and now life wants to take him away completely.”
“No, No.” he shouted despite Tina being so close to him.
Tina put her hands around his neck and pulled him closer till their lips touched. She didn’t know what to do to calm him down. But he was not done speaking although now she saw his eyes had a fire now.
The same look his eyes had when he looked at me through that mirror at my apartment, a different kind of hunger.
“You have been my break away from the pure agony my life is. That is why I stay in your room for so long, I am scared of going back to the realities of my convict father and the only mother I had falling ill every time now. She is going to die soon, my grandma and there’s nothing I can do but watch.” he said.
“You can tell me everything. Speak all your anger, tell me your fears and describe your pain.” she said. “Or show me.”
She added the last statement as a soft-spoken caveat. His eyes lit up when he heard that and he searched her green eyes. She was sure he saw the blemish in them, those brown edges.
She felt his breath on her before she saw him. His mouth met hers in a crushing union. He was strong and insistent as if to make her understand his heart more through the marriage of their mouth. She felt herself grow warm, all fear lost. This was what he wanted when he had stared at her in the mirror. This was what she had wanted when she told him to show her. He was showing her and it was threatening to override her control.
His hand swept up her body till it got to the valley under her neck. She traced all the sinews and muscles she had been looking at with her fingers, trying to draw a map. She was attempting to create a mental image her fingers wouldn’t forget. She went downwards. Her hands teetering at the boundary and she felt his body tense. He was waiting. He wanted to see if she would take the plunge. She did. She felt his waking form past the band that held the only piece of clothing to him.
Tina said nothing when he used his left hand to ease off the short sports top off her till it got to her neck. Tina helped it the rest of the way. She removed that restricting apparel too, the one that caged her hand and prevented free roaming when she moved her hand down him. She did tense at last, a shiver that passed through her when his hand got south of her. One hand was more adventurous, getting beyond the fabric clasped to her waist, one finger flickering in and out. Then she eased up because she was ready. She was ready now.
He looked at her eyes, asking if she wanted the fabric removed and the love making completed. Her eyes told him yes. He asked again.
”Are you sure?”
Tina wanted to say yes. She wanted to shout it so everyone in the university heard. She just nodded her head. His eyes lit up.
His hands were fast and they were both matching in a few seconds. Tina felt like it should never end.
CHAPTER
13
LOVE AND SCHOOL
T
ina remembered finding it difficult explaining the exact feelings she had for Toby to Charlie when he called as he always did that Friday. He asked her about her relationship life, he had always been teasing her about her lack of a boyfriend since their final year in high school. Now she was in college he claimed to be aware she and David had huge crushes on it each.
“It was like an elephant in a room with a ceiling 2 feet away, how does one miss that?” he said.
Tina laughed really hard when he first said it, more from her imagination of how a full-grown elephant was to squeeze into such a small room. Then she wasn’t sure the feelings between David and her were so apparent.
“Then how come Maxine dated him for so long?” she asked.
“You ever ask yourself why Maxine broke up with him before he left. What is the main reason?” she heard him say over the phone.
When Tina thought over it, she couldn’t come to a cogent reason. She claimed he wrote those notes but there had never been any proof. And she remembered David telling her Maxine accosted him a lot with accusations of something between David and her.
“You were seeing things.” she replied Charlie, reluctant to lose that argument to him.
When she told Charlie she was dating someone now. Charlie screamed.
“Tina has finally grown up.” he said. “You have joined the big boys, it’s a pity we can’t contact David.”
Yes, it was.
She remembered his shout and playful jest when she told him Toby was black.
“I am going to tell Ronda. You wanted your relationship to be like ours” he teased.
“Black and white uhn.” he said.
Tina laughed at his playful tease. She did want their relationship to be like Charlie and Ronda’s. They didn’t fight and stood with each other every time. She remembered seeing Ronda remove onions from Charlie’s snack and wished Toby would grow to understand her like that. She hoped he would notice she preferred a close private niche instead of being popular which he was. That she didn’t like cooking. She wished he grew to know her every desire just like she was trying to learn his.
After All This Time: What She Wished Page 8