“How’re you holding up, Jonas? Can you wait until tomorrow to see the doctor? Claire’s insistence on a wake is making it difficult to slip away.”
“Sure. This medicine will keep me going.” He lifted the glass to his lips and took a long swallow.
I raised mine towards Jonas. “A toast to our father and all he accomplished.”
“You mean he accomplished something besides looking out for number one?”
“It’s a long shot, I know, but people in town seem to have adored him. That must count for something. You know, Jonas, sometimes I think I dreamed all the bad stuff. You know, like we just misunderstood him, and the times he was nice to us were the real Dad...that maybe, we’re the ones with the problem.” It was the first time I’d voiced the uncertainty that had grown stronger as I’d aged and distanced myself from that time. I’d judged my father through child’s eyes. Could we have been wrong or exaggerated his faults? I knew he’d been flawed, but perhaps we’d been too harsh, building up hurts beyond what they were.
Jonas blinked rapidly and lowered himself onto my bed. He ran a trembling hand through his hair in the nervous gesture I knew too well. I immediately regretted upsetting him.
“Let’s not think of it now,” I said quickly and sat down beside him, reaching up and resting my arm on his shoulders. “I love you, little brother,” I said. “We’ll get through this. I won’t leave until things are sorted out.” I could feel him shaking under my arm, and I hugged him tighter.
“I feel like I’m just hanging on, Maja. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s worth it.”
My mother’s gentle voice came back to me in sudden clarity. Is it worth it, Maja? Sometimes, I’m just so tired. Her hands fluttering like white birds. Her blue eyes wet with tears that had slid like pearls down her cheeks. I had known she was ill and I had left her.
“I’ll see you through, Jonas. This time, I’m not going anywhere. You have to hang in for Claire and Gunnar...and me.”
Jonas turned his face toward mine until we were almost touching. His eyes were bruised by dark circles. He was having difficulty focusing, the irises of his eyes vibrating like tuning forks. These signs that a depression was imminent cut into my heart.
“You are wrong, you know, Maj,” he said. “None of it was a dream. The monster we saw was the real Dad. All the rest was just smoke and mirrors. The man everybody knew and loved was one big lie.”
TEN
After the third trip to my room to refill my wineglass, I began to almost enjoy myself. The afternoon light had given way to the dusk of evening before I stopped greeting neighbours and reminiscing about my childhood. It was a reminder that not all memories were bad.
I found Sonja Mattsen sitting on the green couch in the living room and sat down beside her. She’d lived up the road and had been good friends with my mother. She was seventy now and had lived a harder life than most. Two of her children had died— Danny drowned playing in the lake at age five and Tommy was killed in the Gulf War. I wondered where she’d found the strength to carry on.
She patted my arm as she spoke. “You were the prettiest child, Maja Larson, with your long white hair and blue eyes the colour of cornflowers. I worried that the boys wouldn’t leave you alone, you were that pretty. But you never seemed to have any interest. You were a smart one, that’s for sure, and not a speck of vanity.”
I thought I’d outgrown blushing, but I could feel the heat rise up my cheeks. “I never thought of myself that way. When the boys came around, it was to tease me or to hang out with Jonas.”
Sonja’s eyes were kind. “Your dear mother was so proud of you. She’d be bursting her seams to know you were a doctor up in Canada.” She leaned forward, opened her arms and drew me into a hug.
“Thanks, Sonja. It warms me to hear you say that.”
Would my mother be proud of me? I imagined that if she hadn’t died, she’d have visited me in Ottawa in my upper middle class home during the course of my marriage, if I’d cajoled her into the trip. I would have had to use my most persuasive arguments, because she’d hated travelling far from Duved Cove. She’d have politely toured my home and mouthed the appropriate words of approval. She’d even have gone so far as to tell me how lucky I was to have such a fine life, but inside I’d have known that she did not approve of my closetful of clothes and my expensive furnishings. What would have disappointed her most would have been that I was using my talent to make people look younger, but she would never have told me that. She’d just have come up with excuses for not returning to Ottawa, and I would have tried not to let on that I knew the real reason she would not visit again.
Sonja stood to leave. She hesitated before saying, “Do you know that Katherine Lingstrom has been staying with her mother since Christmas?”
I was surprised by her words. “I thought Katherine was married and living in Wisconsin?”
Sonja nodded. “She was, but something has gone very wrong with her marriage. She’s had a breakdown of some sort and doesn’t want to see anybody. Her mother was out getting groceries last week, and we had coffee. She’s been very worried. I know that you and Katherine were best friends before you both moved away, so she thought you might want to know.”
“Thanks for telling me, Sonja. I will try to pay her a visit.” I ran a hand across my forehead. “I can’t believe it. Katherine was always so happy when I knew her as a kid.” We hadn’t been as close in our teenage years, but we’d spent our grade school years inseparable.
“People can change a lot, Maja. Life isn’t always as kind as we’d like. Sometimes it damages people beyond repair.”
I spotted Becky and Kevin Wilders standing in the doorway. Becky seemed to light up the room in all of her peacock blue splendour. She’d reapplied her eye makeup and lipstick; the bright colours were garish against her pale skin. Kevin had his arm around her shoulder and seemed to be saying something unpleasant into her ear, judging by the unhappy expression on her face. Curious, I skirted around a group of people until I got to them.
“I’m glad you could make it,” I said, reaching out to shake Kevin’s hand. He hadn’t been able to remove traces of grease and car oil from the creases in his skin. “I thought the service went well.”
“It was lovely. Just lovely,” Becky said, stepping from the circle of Kevin’s arm.
Kevin nodded. “I don’t like funerals as a rule, but this one was okay. Something to drink, Beck?” he asked, taking a step into the room. He looked at her over my head.
“We have wine in the kitchen,” I said.
“Okay. A glass of red. Thanks, Kevin.” Becky took my arm and pulled me into the corner after he’d ambled away. “Have you told anybody about what we discussed?” She hissed the words into my ear.
“No, and nobody’s said anything to me either.”
Her fingers on my arm relaxed. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know about your dad and me. Without coming right out and asking him, I’ve been trying to find out, because if Jonas knew, anyone could have. Lucky for me, Kevin isn’t all that bright when it comes to sex and relationships. He’s always at work in that garage or thinking about being at work. Shit, I could so use a cigarette, but Kevin thinks I’ve quit.”
Was she honest with her husband about anything? “Do you know anything about my father’s partner at the border? Charlie something or other?”
Becky nodded. “Charlie Mallory. He lives in Grand Portage. I was introduced to him once when I met your dad after work. It was when they were getting off night shift. Did you know Charlie is legally deaf? He lost his hearing in his early twenties from having meningitis, of all things. He picked up lip reading really quickly, so he was able to get a government job. The government can’t discriminate, you know. Employment equity and all that.”
“Must be tough being a border guard and not being able to hear.”
“I think Charlie does the office work. Besides, it’s not that busy a crossing at night.”
I saw Kevin standing on the othe
r side of the room with two glasses of wine. He was looking around for us. “Why were you picking up my father after his shift?” I asked. “It’s almost an hour from Duved Cove.”
Becky’s face flashed crimson. “We were going to a motel, actually,” she said. “I’d tell Kevin I was going to the casino with some girlfriends from work and then. . .” She held up a hand and waved. “Oh, here’s Kevin.” The fingers of her other hand bit into my arm. “Don’t forget your promise not to say anything. I’ll owe you big time.”
I didn’t remember promising anything. I also wasn’t convinced Kevin hadn’t found out about her affair, because secrets that involved cheating were as hard to keep in a small town as marriage vows.
Chief Anders made his way through the remaining guests to give me his condolences. I’d wanted to talk to him and was glad for the opportunity. His rheumy grey eyes studied me, and he nodded. “I’m very sorry for your loss. Your dad and I remained friends even after he left the force.” He drank deeply from his wine glass. Then he tilted the glass and looked inside, grimacing.
“Thanks. He seemed to have a lot of friends. Sorry about the wine. Claire isn’t much of a drinker, and she picked something she must have remembered from high school days.”
Chief Anders smiled. He was a trim man with wide shoulders. He’d been famous as a lightweight wrestler in his younger days. “Not that there was any underage drinking when you were a teenager,” he said.
“No, no. That would have been against the law.” I rolled my eyes and smiled.
“Well, your crowd never got into much trouble, so no charges pending.” He paused and looked around. “You’re right. Your father did know a lot of people.”
“Well, one of those people killed him,” I said. “Have you any leads yet?”
Chief Anders shook his head. A lock of white hair fell into his eyes, and he brushed it aside. “Investigations take time, and as you know, we’ve been short-staffed. I have my best man Tobias working on the case, with David Keating helping out when he’s not on regular patrol. They both send their sympathies, by the way.”
It didn’t seem like enough people working a murder case, but I kept that thought to myself. “I’ve always wondered why my father left the force. What happened exactly?”
“Old history, Maja. It had to do with some complaints we had about evidence going missing. It was strictly mismanagement, but I had to allow an external investigator to come in and go through the books and whatnot. Your father was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’d been tasked with looking after what we’d confiscated and couldn’t explain where it went. There was nothing conclusive against him, but he agreed it would be better to leave rather than drag the force through something messy. Luckily, the position at the border came up around the same time, and he accepted.”
“But if he was innocent, wouldn’t he have stayed and tried to clear his name? It wasn’t like my father to roll over.”
“I suppose in normal circumstances. Your mother was having a difficult time, as I recall, and your father wanted more regular hours. You’d left for school, and he wanted to be around the house more.”
That could have held a kernel of truth. However, my father had never been all that concerned about my mother’s health, except when it came to keeping up appearances in the community. He might have wanted to appear the self-sacrificing husband, especially if it got him out of a sticky situation.
“I hear you’re retiring soon.”
His face relaxed. “Ah yes. My wife and I will be moving somewhere warmer. I think we’ve done enough service in the North.”
“When is your last day?”
“A month tomorrow.” He smiled at me. “It was nice seeing you again, Maja. I just wish it had been under better circumstances. I’ll see you before you leave, although I’m sure you’ll be flying out soon.”
“I’ve decided to stay a few more days.”
“Oh?” His shaggy eyebrows rose. “Well, then I’m sure we’ll be in contact. I’ve told Tobias to keep me informed about the case and to let me know if anything develops. We’ll be reporting to your family as soon as we have anything to share.”
“Thank you. We’re anxious to find out what happened, as you can imagine.” I made myself hold his gaze. I would not give him any reason to suspect that I intended to find out what happened to my father before Tobias did. He wouldn’t know that I’d resolved to stay until I was satisfied that Jonas would never be found guilty of the crime.
Gunnar happily packed an overnight bag after receiving an invitation from a friend for a sleepover. This was the most animated I’d seen him since I arrived, and the sight of his smile was nothing short of uplifting. As soon as he left, Claire disappeared upstairs on unsteady legs to fall into bed. She wasn’t used to drinking but appeared to have developed a taste for cheap wine. Jonas met me at the bottom of the stairs and gave me a hug. I inhaled the Scotch on his breath as he said good night.
“Don’t worry. I’ll lock up,” I said.
“See you tomorrow then.” He started slowly up the stairs. “Thank Christ that’s over.”
I took off my shoes, which were pinching my feet, and circled the living room, blowing out candles and picking up empty glasses as I went. I checked that the front door was locked and turned off the lights with my elbow. I carried all I could hold into the kitchen and put the glasses into the dishwasher. The kitchen counters were littered with half-eaten food trays, more glasses and wine bottles. The mess could wait until morning. I lacked the wherewithal to clean it up, since I’d also had my fair share to drink. I turned out the kitchen lights and retraced my step down the hallway to my bedroom at the back of the house.
I dropped my clothes onto the floor, stepping out of my skirt and pulling my black cashmere sweater over my head. I unrolled my pantyhose and tossed them in the direction of the 86 chair. They spreadeagled on the floor like a pair of splayed legs. I plopped onto my back on the bed in my slip and stretched my hands over my head. I should have been tired, but instead I felt wide awake and restless. I’d had enough to drink to dull any pain I’d been feeling. I spotted my cellphone on the night stand and rolled on my side to reach for it. Sam should still be up, and I hadn’t spoken to him for a few days. It would be good to hear his voice.
He answered on the second ring. “Maja? I wondered when I’d hear from you. I’ve tried calling, but your phone’s been off.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve just been preoccupied with everything going on, and I forgot to bring it around with me.”
“So, have you had the funeral yet?”
“Today. It went well as funerals go. Lots of people to see Dad off. Claire and Jonas weren’t speaking to each other, and Gunnar was as sullen as a pre-teen can be, but we soldiered on.”
“So you’ll be flying out tomorrow? I can pick you up if your plane arrives after six. I’m tied up in meetings until then.”
“No. That is, I’m going to stay on a bit. Jonas seems to be heading into another depression, and I’d like to be here.”
“I thought we agreed you’d be back right after the funeral.” Sam’s voice stayed warm, but a familiar edge had crept in.
“I know, but it’s important that I be here for a bit.”
“What about your patients? You’re already backed up.”
“They’ll keep. I’ve phoned the office and cancelled for the following week. Doctor Rajah is picking up the urgent cases.” Not that there were many. Good god—a few more wrinkles before I could get them under the knife. It wasn’t exactly life or death. I felt myself getting discouraged. “How are you doing?” I asked to change the subject.
“Okay. We’re close to sealing that deal I went to New York for. It should be a nice commission. I thought I’d take you somewhere warm for a vacation next week. How does Bermuda sound? A little sun, sand and sleeping in?” His voice was light and cajoling.
“Hmmm. I really have to finish up here, Sam. Then there is the matter of patients I’ve been putting off.�
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“Yeah, well, I’ll check into some hotel packages and see what we can swing. It would be good for you to have a holiday.”
When Sam got an idea into his head, there was no shaking it. I’d given him something to obsess about. He’d plot out his campaign to get me to Bermuda and would begin with sneak attacks. I knew his methods. “Gotta go, hon,” I said. “It’s been a long day.”
“Yes. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
We both hung up, and I closed my eyes. He was probably already searching the internet for travel sites. Why was the idea of going to Bermuda getting under my skin? Was it too much Scotch...or not enough? And why did I have the feeling that the trip south was more for his benefit than mine?
ELEVEN
I got up and brushed my teeth then changed into a white silk nightgown before pulling back the covers and climbing into bed. After I turned off the bedside lamp, I noticed the moonlight streaming in through the window and catching me square in the face. If I didn’t get up to close the blind, I’d be wakened too early by the rising sun. I climbed reluctantly out of bed and crossed to the window. The hardwood floor was cool on my feet, and I shivered under my light nightgown. Just as I reached up for the blind cord, a pebble clattered against the glass, making me jump back in fright. A second one followed, and I felt a stirring in my chest. This was a signal from long ago that I had never expected to hear again. I unlocked the window and lifted it open a few inches. A cold blast of air made the curtains billow on either side of me.
“Who’s there?” I called quietly, even though I knew.
“It’s me, Maja.” Billy’s voice came out of the darkness.
“I’ll meet you at the back door,” I said.
I almost had an out of body experience—seeming to float through the bedroom and down the hallway to the kitchen. Would Billy and I have the same connection as when we were teenagers, or would this be a dream I should never have kept? Would he find me old and be disappointed in the woman I had become? But I was old—forty and counting. There was no way I was the same girl he remembered...and he would not be the same boy either. I wanted to see him, but I was afraid. Conflicting emotions rose in me as I made that quick journey to the back door. When I finally unlocked it and swung it open, I was a bundle of apprehension, convincing myself not to expect anything much.
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