* * *
With this resolution, she was dismayed the very next day when a messenger arrived, a mounted courier in the full formal livery of the Duke of Canah. She hurried out to meet her father as he returned from the front door.
“Well, my dear! It seems you have an admirer.”
“What?”
He flourished a paper. Very expensive paper, complete with a seal. “I can see no other reason for this invitation.”
“Who has invited us and where?”
“The duke, my dear. The Duke of Canah. He has invited you to visit his city residence.”
“Me?”
“Well, the invitation is addressed to me, but there is no doubt, the way it is phrased, that you are to be there. My inclusion seems incidental.”
“What does the duke want of me?”
“I was about to ask you the same question.”
“How should I know? I’ve never met him!”
Her father smiled. “But I gather you have more than a passing acquaintance with his son.”
“No doubt about that. I told you, Father. I don’t really want to see him again.”
He winced. “That creates a bit of a problem, dear.”
She felt a sinking in her breast. “Why? Have you already accepted?”
“I don’t see an other choice, Aleria. An invitation to visit the Duke is hardly just a casual suggestion. One needs a very good reason to refuse.”
“And my feelings aren’t good enough reason?”
“Not for me. You don’t have to go, but I do. And since you are obviously the reason for the invitation, I will feel a bit awkward showing up alone.”
She thought furiously. “Is Mother coming?”
“The invitation is not specific on that point, and unfortunately she has an engagement that day. She won’t even be in the city. I’m afraid it’s just the two of us, my dear. Can you handle it?”
She looked at her father; he was deadly serious. She was knowledgeable enough about his concerns to realize that if she didn’t go it could affect his business or his position at court in some way. She also knew that he would never force her.
“I suppose so.”
He regarded her. “Is this going to be a real problem? He knows what you went through. You can plead indisposition.”
She shook her head. “That will just postpone it. I suppose I had better face it now.”
He grinned and slapped her shoulder, “That’s my girl,” but his look was worried as he left.
That week her dreams increased. She woke several times every night, sweating and shaking. She had no appetite, and her hands quivered at the slightest provocation. The Twins were visiting out of the city, but Mito spent almost all her time with Aleria.
“Are you up to this visit?”
“I might not be, Mito, but I don’t see that I have much choice. Sooner or later I have to deal with the situation. Some day I am going to have to meet him again. I’m sure that the reality won’t be half as bad as the dreams, and maybe that will stop the dreams. I don’t know, but I have to try.”
“But are you up to it? What if you have a breakdown?”
She managed to smile. “I got through the real situation without one. I think I should be able to handle the after-effects. You know what I think happened? I let down too soon.”
“Explain.” Mito smoothed her dress and sat, hands folded, looking attentive.
“When I was in real danger I was challenged to survive. That kept me going. The moment I was rescued, I thought it was all over. I let down my guard and relaxed. That’s when the dreams hit me. I think if I had known how it was going to be I wouldn’t have relaxed. I would have kept my guard up. I wouldn’t have got into this ‘poor little me, poor victim,’ attitude. So now I just have to take hold of myself and get back on track, get aggressive again, and I can solve this. It’s a matter of will power.”
Mito shook her head. “If you think so, you’re probably right. After all, when were you ever wrong?”
“All the time, Mito, all the time. It’s just taken me a while to realize it.”
‘What do you mean?”
“I mean that I was so smug, so satisfied at my superiority. I knew I was the best of the class and I thought that qualified me to be a success for the rest of my life. Do you realize what the reality of life is?” She looked at her friend a moment. “Yes, I’m sure you do. More than I do. I’m no more qualified to get along in the real world than a barmaid at a country inn. Considerably less qualified, when I think of what some of those inns are like.”
“But no one expects you to handle that part of the world! No lady should have to go anywhere near a place like that.”
“Why not? Why should we be different from anyone else? Why shouldn’t we be able to deal with the same situations a barmaid has to?”
Mito was speechless.
“See? The only answer you can give is that our class protects us. But what if we get into a situation where our class doesn’t protect us? Do we just fall apart? That’s what I’ve been doing. Well, let me tell you, I’m not going to fall apart like some dainty, pampered lady. I’m going to get through this. You just watch me…what are you laughing at?”
Mito covered her smile. “I’m not laughing at you, Aleria. I’m just happy. This is the first time since you got back that you’ve sounded like the old you. I even think you might beat this problem.”
“Well, I’d better beat it in the next three days or I’m going to make a pretty big fool of myself. Can you imagine the scandal? I’m introduced at the Duke’s palace, I look at his son and immediately run screaming from the room? Not the best politics, I think.”
Mito giggled. “Not likely to guarantee success in the ‘Most Eligible Graduate’ contest.”
“Most Eligible Graduate? Mito! You didn’t!” She stared at her friend in real horror.
“No, of course I didn’t. But there’s no reason someone else wouldn’t have.”
“If anyone has put my name in for that stupid award I am going to start remembering the things I saw on my little misadventure and I’m going to perpetrate some of them!”
“I can just imagine. You know what would be worse than having your name put forward?”
“Having it put forward and losing.”
“And even worse than that?”
“Winning!”
The two girls dissolved in laughter, and when they started to compose Aleria’s acceptance speech they were unable to speak clearly enough to finish.
22. A Visit With the Duke
Aleria slept better the next few nights, determined not to be bothered by the dreams. Every time she awoke she dragged out of bed and ran through one of her fighting drills until she was sweating. Then she would towel off, hop back into bed and drop back to sleep. During the daytime she took the same solution, with training, riding and other physical activity, until she was so tired she would have to sleep, so hungry she wolfed down her food.
By the time the day of reckoning arrived, she was feeling better. She stepped into her father’s carriage with a carefully maintained aggressive anticipation, as if she was going into a competition or examination. Her father, observing her at first with concern, seemed relieved at her attitude.
The duke’s residence in the city was imposing: a palace rather than a mansion. She had been assured that his county seat, out in the North Country, was much more impressive. Apparently it was all made of huge logs: soaring pillars and spreading beams as thick as wine casks, all shining varnish. Looking up at the ranks of gargoyles on the carved stone facade, she wondered.
There were several other carriages in the process of delivering their charges at the foot of the great curving staircase.
“Looks like we aren’t the only guests.”
“I doubt if the duke has time to devote a whole afternoon to just us. This way he can pay off several obligations and make several connections, all at once. Good planning.”
She looked up at her fath
er, thinking how dignified he looked, tall and grey-haired, firm in his stride, strong in his convictions. “Don’t you think he might just want to have some friends in to visit?”
He laughed. “There might possibly be a few of those as well.”
They entered the ornately carved doors, held open by two small liveried boys who were trying hard to stand perfectly still. She winked at one of them and he almost burst trying not to smile.
They were greeted by a major-domo who somehow knew who they were. He invited them through an echoing hallway to a reception room just large enough to handle the group of people sitting or standing around looking comfortable. Aleria searched the faces, relaxed when she recognized no one. A polite throat-clearing at her elbow drew her attention to the fact that the major-domo didn’t seem to be leaving.
“If you don’t mind, Lady anDalmyn…”
“Yes?”
‘His Grace would like to speak to you.” He noticed her glance up at her father. “Alone. If you please, this way.”
“Thank you.” Holding herself in control, she followed the man across the room, aware of everyone’s regard. She hoped she carried it off. At least I didn’t trip on the hem of my gown. This brought a grim smile to her lips as she entered the anteroom, and by the time the duke was rising to greet her, it wasn’t hard to make the smile genuine. Especially since his son was nowhere to be seen. He seated her on a brocade settee, then sat in a comfortable armchair opposite.
“Ah, Lady Aleria. So pleasant to finally meet you.” He sounded like he meant it. “My son speaks well of you, especially your beauty. It is so agreeable to find that he has not exaggerated.”
“Your Grace, I suppose I should be doubly flattered, but I sincerely doubt that your son has ever seen me in any condition to judge my beauty.”
He sized her up for a moment. Had she spoken too sharply? Did he expect her to simper and accept empty compliments?
“I hope his appreciation of beauty extends, as mine does, a bit past a pretty face and a slim figure. Character shows, I always say.”
“In that case, perhaps I am quadruply flattered.”
“A mathematical mind as well! I wonder if Raif discovered that, or am I ahead of him?”
“I don’t recall discussing mathematics with him, your Grace. Am I likely to get the chance today?” There. That should be subtle enough, carried off without a quaver.
“He’ll be around in a while. I wanted to get my own impressions first. You know how young men are when they describe a girl.” He winked at her, and she couldn’t help but like him.
With that decision, her restraints dropped more, and she let the asperity creep into her voice. “And how did he describe me? Besides my questionable beauty, I mean. Better than he seemed to appreciate me at the time, I hope!”
The Duke laughed. “Oh, he was very complimentary. He said you were a stroke of fortune. He had never been fully accepted by the other men, you know, because he didn’t treat the women like they did. Once he had you to help him with his charade, they liked him better. When you wouldn’t dance, they loved it for some reason. I think he was too perfect, and they were glad to see him fail.”
“Too perfect! That sounds like a father talking.”
She liked his laugh. It was friendly and free of restraint. “I suppose it might, but you have to realize who he is, his blood, his upbringing. He is worth twice any man in that rag-tag bunch, in brains, confidence, and training. The one thing he acted poorly was humility, and that made them jealous. They probably couldn’t even figure out why, they just didn’t like him. Very dangerous. So you saved him from that. You also got him away from the camp in time, I gather.”
She felt herself blushing. “It was an easy plan. Especially since escape was rather high on my priorities at the time.”
He slapped his knee. “I suppose it was.” Then his smile disappeared. “It must have been very difficult for you. Raif told me how sorry he was. I hope he told you.”
She grimaced. “Often. I’m just not so sure I always believed him.”
A frown of concern crossed his high brow. “What do you mean?”
Then she realized that she had stepped over the line. “Oh, I didn’t mean anything.” He wasn’t accepting it, and she retreated into maidenly confusion. “I…I just found it so hard, it was all so terrible…”
He was serious now, and his eye held her. “Yes you did. You meant that he took the play-acting too seriously, especially the part about treating you badly. You meant that he might have even enjoyed it.”
She squirmed, but only inside. Outwardly she dropped the act, and held herself still. “I felt that at the time, yes. I have no idea what the reality was. I don’t think I was in any condition to be a proper judge.”
He nodded. “Well spoken. It is important that he knows how you felt. A duke must play many roles, and he must not allow himself to get carried away with any of them. I know my son. Sometimes he does get enthused…” He turned back to her, his gaze holding her again.
“You realize that he will be duke after me.”
She was nonplussed for a moment. “I suppose…”
“Just so you understand.”
Her mind was working again. I’m beginning to see the light. Was that why…? No! She summoned up her courage.
“Your Grace, why did you want to see me?”
“What do you mean?”
He didn’t seem indignant at her temerity, so she forged on. “Why did you call for me? You never knew me before, had no reason for interest. I didn’t save your son’s life, or do anything terribly important. So why did you want to meet me?”
He laughed. “For the usual reasons, of course. If any eligible young lady comes in close contact with my son it is necessary that I investigate. I could hire someone to do it, but I find I get better information myself.”
She caught herself gaping at him, closed her mouth. “Eligible? You mean that you thought he and I…”
He smiled, shrugged. “It does happen, you know. Your mother is of an ancient Exalted family and your father is a man to be reckoned with in the modern world. Should I be speaking with them? Do I have reason?”
She faltered back, then recovered herself and sat straight. “No! No, not at all!”
The duke, in his turn, seemed taken aback. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I thought surely you would realize…”
Aleria took control of herself with difficulty, “I am the one who should apologize, your Grace. I have been so involved in my own worries that I did not consider the obvious. I assure you, any of the other girls my age would have understood immediately.”
“But not you.”
She glanced at him. Is he smiling? “No, your grace. I suppose my mind doesn’t follow those paths yet. I’m too young, I think. There will be plenty of time for that…sort of thing later.”
He was certainly smiling, now. “I must say, that is a refreshing attitude. I thought all you young ladies considered little else other than who you would wed.” He paused a moment, looked at her thoughtfully. “But your reaction was stronger than that. Is there some reason why you would not consider an alliance with my family?”
Aleria’s mouth went dry. This was an important question, and she knew, when it was stated in that fashion, that more than her own future might be at stake here. She took a moment to marshal her thoughts, then spoke more formally.
“Your Grace, I assure you, I have no reason to slight your family. I would be honoured. The problem is…well, completely personal.”
“Aha. So it is my son.”
“I’m…I’m sure he is a marvellous person, brave and honourable, and all that.”
“But he treated you abominably and he might have enjoyed it.”
She was relieved that he understood. “I might eventually be able to understand even that, Your Grace. The problem is, I think, even worse. I still have nightmares, sometimes, and, well…” She stopped, unsure of how to go on.
“Raif i
s in them?”
The gentleness in his voice surprised her, and she looked up at him, catching concern in his eyes. She dropped her own, realized her voice was barely above a whisper, but could not force it louder. “In every one, Your Grace.” It came to her that this was his son she was talking about, and she leaned forward to persuade him. “I know it wasn’t his fault, Your Grace. I just can’t shake them. They keep coming, almost every night, and…and…no matter what I tell myself, he is always there. I can’t think of him without…well…” She did not dare go on.
He nodded. “I understand. You have him tied so closely to your horrible experience that you cannot separate the two.”
There was a moment of silence. Then he sat up straighter, and his voice came more quickly. “That is too bad. I must say, I wish it were otherwise.”
What?
He smiled at her, gestured with an open hand. “Well…you know. If you were one of those other girls, worrying if you passed the test. You would have passed. With colours flying, if you must know. I think you are a very strong-minded young lady, with plenty of pluck. I would have been pleased to consider you as a member of my family, and I hope this unfortunate situation will not keep you from becoming at least a friend. Tell me now. Is the aversion so bad that you cannot bear to see him? To stand in the same room?”
She considered. “I hope not. It is only in my dreams that I am frightened. It is only in my thoughts that it bothers me. In reality, I ought to be able to face him. I probably should, in fact. My father tells me that the best way to fight fears is to meet them face-to-face. It might even do me good.”
He rose to his feet. “He has been waiting in a bit of trepidation, himself, as to what you would say. He is aware of what he owes you and very concerned as to your welfare.”
“Your Grace!” She shot up. “He owes me nothing. He saved my life. More.”
“Of course. Come, my Lady. Let us go and speak to the others. I thought that perhaps it would be easier for you in a group…”
She looked up as she took his arm. This is a very thoughtful man. If I ever thought of choosing a father-in-law, he would do very well. She smiled at the thought of going out shopping for a father-in-law.
“And what thought brings that mischievous smile to your lips?”
She covered her momentary dismay with a larger smile and a coquettish batting of her eyes. “Why, Your Grace! Surely a lady has at least the privacy of her own thoughts.”
A servant opened the door, and the Duke was laughing as they passed into to the crowded salon. “I have definitely been put in my place, my Lady. I do apologize!” His eyes scanned the “few guests”, now twenty at least, who had all turned at their entry. “Aha! Here are some young ladies with whom I am sure you would like to speak.”
To her surprise, he brought her to the Twins, who curtseyed prettily before he bowed and turned away. She clasped their hands, delighted.
“I never expected to find you here. Do you visit the Duke often?”
Hana slapped her hand. “Come on, Aleria. Of course we don’t. Father knows him, of course, but we’ve never been invited before. He probably has some business or other brewing with Father, and he asked us because of you.”
Gita’s eyes sparkled. “How did it go? Are you,” her nose went up in impish snobbery, “deemed acceptable?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on.”
“Of course you know.”
“We know why you’re here.”
“Tell us!”
“Is he nice?”
Aleria was too confused to commit herself. “I think he’s handsome, in an older sort of way.”
“Does Raif look like that?”
She laughed, louder than she should, then realized that many faces were turned her way. To hell with it. She tossed her head and laughed again, then dropped her voice to a polite level.
“Come on, you two, slow down. I can’t answer both of you at once. We just had a nice chat. He wanted to meet the girl who had such an adventure with his son. After I assured him that I had no “intentions,” we got along famously.”
“You told him what?”
“I told him the truth, Hana. You know I have trouble being in the same room as young Lord Canah. I doubt if I’m going to marry him.”
“Where is he, anyway? I thought he was going to be here.”
She had a sudden thrill of fear, which she crushed. “I think he’ll be here any moment.” She pushed her fear away and scanned the room. To her relief, there was no sign of him.
“What does he look like?”
She looked at her friends in surprise. “You don’t know?”
“We don’t exactly move in his social circle. What is he like?”
“Well, he’s tall, but he’s got a bit of a stoop. He has black hair, and a long, shaggy moustache. A loud laugh, sort of bossy. Big hands, I don’t know. Sort of like that.”
She saw the concern in their eyes. “You’re upset about this, aren’t you?”
She looked down at her hands, clamped them together to stop the shaking. “I suppose so. It will be the first time I’ve met him since…you know…and then, with all the dreams…I guess I am a bit scared.”
Two sets of hands gripped hers.
“Don’t worry.”
“We won’t let him near you!”
“We’ll repel him with our combined ferocity!”
“Our lance-like wit will pierce him.”
“Our rapier glances will drive him from the field.”
“Who is that?”
She repressed a start and made herself turn casually. A tall, blonde young man stood in the doorway, looking uncertain. She turned away, shrugged, then turned back. There was something familiar about his eyes…
The young man glanced around again, then strode to the duke, who greeted him affably. She could not hear what was said, but the duke turned him by the shoulder and pointed in their direction. As he started towards her she was struck by a sudden panic and her knees weakened. Her friends, one on either side, stared as well.
“Is that him?”
“I thought he was dark?”
“Stooped?”
“Is he handsome!”
The force of her hands clutching theirs persuaded them.
“Don’t worry, Aleria. We’ll protect you!”
“Here he comes. Get ready, Gita, this is going to be rough.”
Aleria shook her hands free. “Don’t be silly, you two. This is going to be fine.” She shot them warning glances. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
They returned her looks, and she could see a glance full of secret communication flash between the two. Then all she was aware of was the fierce, light-blue eyes approaching.
“Aleria, so good to see you again. I hope you are well?” There was a brief pause. He looks as uncomfortable as I feel. “…please introduce me to your friends.”
She somehow kept her voice steady as she made the introductions. They curtseyed and chatted something about the fact that they were twins but didn’t look alike, giving her time to recover her balance. This was in some ways more surprising than she had feared. The old, ferocious, image she was prepared to handle. The handsome, uncertain young man, coming so quickly after such a pleasant meeting with his father, had completely thrown her. She realized that the twins were carrying the brunt of the amenities and tried to toss in her own comments, she knew not what. Soon the conversation ran down and he bowed, took her hand a moment and returned to his father. For a long while they stood, silent, until they realized they were staring and turned away, the Twins giggling to each other.
She had nothing to say, and they mercifully left her alone. That was one thing about the Twins; they were good friends. After a while, they let out a collective sigh.
“Thank you, girls. I admit I was thrown for a moment. He was nothing like I remembered.”
Hana shook her head. “We were ready to protect you.”
Gi
ta grinned. “Ready to fight tooth and nail. We had no idea we would have to back you with small talk.”
Aleria smiled as well. “Neither did I. Thanks for filling in.”
“Oh, it was worth it.”
“For certain. Imagine, finally seeing Aleria with nothing to say.”
“The only problem is, we can’t tell anyone.”
Hana considered. “I suppose that would be taking unfair advantage.”
“Plus Father would have us shot at sunrise.”
They all laughed, but Aleria was relieved that these two could draw the line where fun stopped and family loyalties took precedence. They liked gossip as much as the other girls, but no breath of what happened at the palace of the Duke of Canah would escape their lips. Fortunately, that included her own discomfiture.
The talk turned to safer topics and they scanned the room for anyone they recognized.
23. A New Partner
Soon “Tea in the Garden,” was announced, and they all filed out into the sunlight. It was an impressive spread: white tablecloths and silver dishes backed by immaculate, dark-green hedges. Cushions were spread on the grass in the shade of towering oak trees, with lounges and chairs for the more dignified guests. The three girls allowed the servants to bring their plates to a nook somewhat removed from the rest. They giggled again when extra cushions had to be found.
“Now, why would this little hideaway have only cushions for two?”
“For obvious reasons, my dear sister.”
Aleria looked around. “I don’t see any courting couples. I wonder if it was left for anyone in particular?”
Then she realized that they were both looking at her as if she were stupid.
“Oh, no. I don’t think….”
Hana shrugged. “His Grace doesn’t seem like the kind of man to leave anything to chance.”
“You don’t think he thought…”
“I don’t think he thought anything specific. I think he just prepares for anything, sort of as a habit.”
“Sort of as a way of life. I bet he’s the kind of person who thinks ahead all the time.”
“Well, he thought wrong this time.” Aleria plopped down on a cushion.
“Looks like it.”
“Really!”
“We’re agreeing with you!”
“I saw that look!”
“What look?”
She gave up in mock disgust, and they laughed at her, then concentrated on the excellent food.
When everyone had eaten, the party was invited to walk in the garden. Since the duke had a reputation for the quality of his walks and the talent of his gardeners, they all accepted with alacrity. Soon the girls were lost in the paths, admiring the sculptured shrubs, the huge trees, and the geometrical symmetry of the beds. As they strolled, Gita nudged Aleria. She looked ahead and realized that someone was walking towards them. Someone tall, blond, and broad-shouldered.
“What do you want us to do?”
“Shall we turn down this path?”
“Shall we ignore him?”
“Don’t be silly, you two. Just act normally.”
They grinned at her. “Easily said, girl.”
“Don’t…” and then he was too close for more talk.
He strolled up to them, appearing casual. “Are you enjoying the walk, ladies?”
The twins again filled in again, enthusing about the garden, and Aleria found it easier to join in. After a moment Raif paused, cleared his throat, and seemed about to speak. Hana nudged Gita, and without seeming to move, they faded back a step.
“I was wondering…uh…Aleria, if your friends wouldn’t mind, I mean…” He bowed to them.
The twins looked at her. She knew they would stay if she needed them. Suppressing a shiver, she nodded, although her smile felt tight. “Of course. If they don’t mind?”
After a careful look at her face, they curtseyed and made their way down a side path, looking back over their shoulders as they left. There was a long pause.
“Is this difficult for you?”
She looked up at him. He seemed concerned. “A bit.”
“I know. I’ve been told. The dreams?”
She could only nod.
“I just wanted to thank you. I didn’t get the chance when we were rescued.”
“I know. Your report.”
“Yes. I had to give it. You really helped me, you know.”
‘Your father told me.”
“Do you understand how?”
“I think so.”
“Good.”
“I…”
“Yes?”
“I want to thank you, too. I know you saved me. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. These dreams, I mean, I don’t have any control over them. They just happen.”
“I know. I have them, too.”
“You?”
“What did you think?”
She looked up at him, noted the lines around his mouth. “I suppose. And am I in them?”
“Sometimes.”
“Do you get to beat me up in your dreams, too?”
The lines around his mouth tightened. “No. Not me.”
“What do you mean?”
His face softened. “There are some things I don’t think you want to know, Aleria.”
“Why not?”
“Because you don’t. Trust me.”
His eyes became hard again, and she shrugged. “All right. I don’t want to know.” She glanced up for his response, but it wasn’t what she had expected. “I don’t! I believe you.”
“Good. I don’t like killing people, you know.”
She had a moment’s sympathy for him, then all the terror rushed back on her. The greenery closed in on her, and her head spun. She saw his hand reaching for her arm, and she jumped away. He retreated, watching her.
She stood for a moment, clamping an icy control over her emotions. This was no way to act. This was her host, the man who had saved her life. Manners, Aleria. Manners. In a while her breathing calmed, and she could again hear the birds, feel the wind lifting her hair.
“If you don’t mind, I think we’d best not talk about that sort of thing.”
“No, no, quite right. I didn’t want to frighten you. I just…I wanted to thank you.”
“Yes.”
“I think we should go back now.”
“Yes.” She looked around. “Which way is back?”
“This way.” He was about to offer his arm, then hesitated.
Steeling herself, she laid her hand on his arm. He walked stiffly at her side a few paces, then turned her onto a wider path. To her relief, she could see white linen through the hedge ahead.
As they walked something in her head looked down at the two of them. This is just stupid. She glanced up at him, staring straight ahead, his arm and shoulder rigid. She took her hand away, pushed his arm down to his side.
“This is silly. We don’t have to be all formal. Only cowards hide behind that sort of thing. We have a problem. It’s no one’s fault, and it’s up to us to solve it.”
He nodded with relief, looked down at her. It gave her a lift, realizing that he was waiting for her instructions.
“I need to talk to you face to face. I need to see you in non-threatening situations. I’ve been told that is the best way to get rid of the dreams. I’m glad you shaved. I hated that moustache!”
He brushed his lip, grinned for just a moment. “So did I. Always getting in my food.”
“And some of the food often stayed.”
“You’re joking!”
“I am not. You used to have bits sticking to it, hanging there.”
“Ugh! I must have looked awful. I know my teeth were terrible, and sometimes I couldn’t stand the taste of my own mouth. Can you imagine two months without a toothbrush? I guess it was worth it. Obviously it worked.”
“You were not pretty. Definitely not pretty at all. I like you much better blond.”
“Why, thank you. I don’t know how
women stand it. Always worrying the new growth will start to show!”
She was able to laugh a bit at that. Then they were at the front, and everyone was gathering to take their leave.
He bowed over her hand. “Thank you for being so understanding.”
She curtseyed a bit deeper than custom required. “Thank you for the same.”
“If we meet again…?”
“I would be pleased.”
“Be honest.”
She considered. “It seems our fathers have business together. Do not avoid me, should the opportunity arise. It has been good for me to meet you again.”
“You don’t need to say it was a pleasure. I wish you freedom from dreams.”
Why does he have to say the right thing first? “I wish you the same.”
“I think my father would like to say good-bye.” He bowed over her hand, led her to his father, and faded away. When she had finished with the duke, his son was nowhere to be seen.
Back at the carriages, the twins were full of a plan for their fathers to ride in one so they could be together for the trip home, but she refused to throw her weight behind it.
“I’m sorry, girls. This has been a hard afternoon. Besides, I’m sure Father wants to speak to me.”
“He has all the time he wants when he gets you home.”
“No, he hasn’t. There will be all sorts of business to take his attention. This is a good time for us to talk things out.”
The duke was escorting their fathers to the carriages, a sign of respect that did not go unnoticed.
As her father approached, she could see he was hesitant. “I know you girls would like to ride together, but…”
“It’s already settled, Father.” She led him to their carriage. “You have me all to yourself for the ride.”
He smiled down at her as she allowed him to hand her in. “All right. You seem to be full of surprises today.” He seated himself with her, gave her a sidelong glance. “And not only for me.”
She pondered this while they waved their good-byes and set out down the long gravel drive towards the street.
“So who did I surprise, and was it pleasant?”
“I think you could say His Grace was pleasantly surprised. He said he found you a ‘forthright young lady’. I think that was a compliment.”
She grinned up at him. “He seems to be the kind of man to like straight talk.”
He chuckled. “So I gather your little interview went well.”
“As well as could be expected, I suppose.”
“By which you mean?”
“You surely had it figured out that he was checking me over as a potential daughter-in-law.”
“It could hardly have escaped me.”
She smiled ruefully. “Well, I guess I’m not quite so smart. I figured it out quickly enough, though.”
“But I gather we aren’t making any wedding announcements soon.”
“Father! It’s not something I want to be teased about! I have just got to the stage where I can speak to Raif without shaking. In fact, I had an attack of fright once, just because he mentioned killing people.”
“That was rather stupid of him.”
“Well, I guess he learned something, then.”
“Other than that, are you glad you came?”
“Oh, yes. It was good for me. I like the Duke.”
“Do you?”
“Yes. He talks straight, and he isn’t afraid to have you talk straight back to him.”
Her father raised his eyebrows. “I don’t know many people who would say that. Or who would dare to try to find out.”
“Oh. Did I overdo it? He seemed to like me. He even said so!”
“Oh, yes, he liked you. He told me that, too.”
“Good.” She was getting tired of this. “Did he like you?”
“Pardon?”
She grinned. She had hit a soft spot, she could tell. “Come on, Father. His Grace didn’t invite twenty people just for an excuse to meet me. You and the Twins’ father had a lot of time to chat with him. What was he sizing you up for?”
“Very good, Aleria. The Duke and I have similar…political concerns. If you don’t mind, it’s a bit sensitive, so I won’t tell you the details.
“But I wouldn’t be telling you anything new if I mentioned that this rebellion has shaken the King’s confidence a great deal. We know, thanks to Raif’s report and your story, that it didn’t have the support of the general population. Still, it is worrisome.”
“That and the rifles.”
“Yes, the fact that they found guns matters very much. So we have to take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
“What kind of steps?”
“You have had your Strategy and Statesmanship lessons. You did rather well in those, as I remember. What do you think?”
“I wonder about the men in the rebellion. There were Slathe’s nasty lot, of course, but there were all those other ones. Raif says many of them were not really bad men. We have to find out why so many men are unpleasant, angry, and have no better way to support themselves. Then we fix it. Then we have nobody left to rebel.”
Her father nodded. “Sounds good. So how do we go about fixing it?”
“Father, I’m just turned eighteen. I just passed my Quest, and as we are all agreed, it was a farce. I have no idea what to do. I don’t have any information to make up an idea, even if I wanted to.”
“That’s very good.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have put your finger on the problem. We don’t have enough information. Something is wrong in the Northwest and in Shaeldit, maybe in the whole kingdom, and we don’t know what. Oh, we have some idea, of course. There have been major changes in the agriculture system over the past fifty years. Easing the bans on Mechanicals in farming and lumbering was very successful in making our exports more competitive. The new techniques need less labourers, and so there are men who need to change occupations, and that is very hard for them.”
“And the ones who are stupidest and the worst workers find it hardest to change.”
“We need to find out more about that sort of people. We have access to all sorts of information, but we need to do a better job of analysing it.”
“That sounds good.” She thought about that for a moment. “But what do you and Duke anCanah have to do with it?”
“Nothing. But Raif does. He’s going to be involved in running the new system.”
“I don’t know how he’ll enjoy that. He didn’t like spying.”
“He doesn’t have to spy. He only has to collect and analyse the information gathered by the gatherers. His experience over the last few months is invaluable.”
“And what does this have to do with us?”
“Ah. Well, I suppose you would have to know.” He leaned closer and spoke softly in spite of the rattling of the carriage. “Some of our wagons will be used for passing reports. We have regular routes in that area, as you know, and soon we will have more.”
She nodded, putting it all together. Then a thought struck her. She turned slowly and looked at her father. “I feel like I’m being tested again. First the Duke, now you. Just what is going on?”
“Very good, daughter. Would you like to help?”
“Of course.” She shuddered. “As long as I don’t have to go out into the forest with them.”
He reached an arm around her, pulled her close. “Aleria, you have no idea how I feel, every time I think of you, out there with those beasts of men. No matter what you think of him, I thank Raif every time that picture enters my head.”
She clung to him for a moment, relishing the safe feeling. “I know, Father. I was so stupid.”
“No, not stupid. You had no idea that a revolt would happen. No one did. Let us just be glad you survived.”
After a moment she sat up. “So what do you want me to do?”
“Nothing complicated or dangerous. The information comes in on our wagons a
nd has to be delivered to Raif. We assume that if there is any conspiracy they have spies in the capital. So we want you to make the deliveries. You are now socially connected to the Canah family. You just include Raif in your circle. That is, if it isn’t too difficult for you.”
She thought about it. The idea of doing something useful thrilled her. “No, it isn’t too difficult. In fact, it sounds interesting. How will I get the deliveries? I suppose I’m going to have to take more of an interest in the business, aren’t I?”
“I suppose you are. I had thought I would just hand the packages to you, but it would be better if you received them yourself. There may be verbal messages as well, and you could pass them on directly to Raif. Yes, I like that idea.”
“So do I, even if it has nothing to do with spying. I have always wanted to get involved, but I didn’t know whether you and Mother would approve.”
“Well, I suppose we will have to now, won’t we?”
She sat up a bit, her breath coming quicker as she looked ahead out the carriage window. “Yes, you will.”
24. The Arts of Battle
“It is good of you to help me with this equipment order, Aleria.”
She shuffled the catalogues. “This is interesting. I have never seen so many implements of warfare and mayhem in one place. This one,” she hefted a tome with an engraving of a beautifully crafted sustained-shot rifle on the cover, “is full of guns. All the most modern and up-to-date Mechanical weapons. I never knew there were so many kinds in the world. People certainly must like killing each other out there.”
He reached over and removed the catalogue from her hand. “You are here to help with the equipment order for the Ladies’ Academy Gymnasium, not have your young mind corrupted.”
“And also because I have an ulterior motive.” She picked up the next catalogue, one that showed gymnasium paraphernalia. She pretended to be leafing through it, but she glanced over to see the Battle Arts Master looking at her.
“Now, how did I already know that?”
She grinned. “I was hoping you might think it was to bask in the wisdom of the Master.”
“But the real reason…?”
She closed the book. “I was hoping to talk about how to solve my problem.”
“The dreams.”
“Yes.”
“We have already discussed this when you returned from the rebellion, Aleria. Nightmares are a normal way for your mind to cope with a horrible experience, and they should fade with time.”
“That’s just it. They haven’t. It’s been weeks, now, and I think they’re getting worse.”
“I see.”
“And I need a way to deal with them. You know me. I have to be moving. I need a plan of action.”
“I don’t see how I can help you, Aleria.” Ogima’s smooth brow showed wrinkles.
“You’re the only one who can.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re the only one who understands. You deal in these matters: fear and bravery and mental strength.” Aleria found it impossible to sit, so she rose and paced around his office as she spoke. “I’m not doing too well, Master Ogima. I thought I could handle fear, but I can’t. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?” she found a smile for him, “that the girl who did all those daring things back in school is the one who’s afraid now.”
“What form does this fear take?”
“It’s at night, usually. I’ll be lying there, not sleeping, thinking of nothing in particular, and then a thought will just slip in, and…” she stopped speaking and turned away to look out the office window at the school lawns, soft and even in the early summer sunshine.
He waited.
She turned back. “I haven’t told anyone this.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. Oh, I told them I had nightmares. But not this. They all have their own problems, real problems. They don’t need to be bothered with my imaginary ones.”
“Fear is an imaginary problem.”
She spun to face him. “What?”
He nodded. “Fear is in the imagination. Fear comes from imagining a situation that might cause pain. Those who have no fear have no idea of the connection between their actions and resulting pain. Those who fear too much imagine too much pain, where there is no pain.”
“That’s right! I can lie there in my bed in my father’s house, and my imagination takes me back to that inn, and I think what would have happened if Raif hadn’t found me. And I can’t stop thinking about it…I just want to fall to pieces…I feel like I’m going to break down and scream, or cry, and I know it’s all so stupid!”
“Not so stupid.”
“I’m glad you think so.”
“I do. Fear is a natural, positive response. You can be trained to fear, just as you can be trained to control fear.”
She thought while she paced. “So the experiences I had during the rebellion taught me to fear.”
“Quite correctly, you must admit.”
“But now I have to re-train myself not to fear. How do I do that?
He shrugged. “I am not certain…”
“What?” She paced towards him. “You mean you have dumped all this smarmy philosophy on me, and you don’t even have a solution?”
He smiled and shook his head. “Lady Aleria, you never change, do you?”
She frowned and allowed her voice to rise. “You can’t duck by changing the subject. And don’t call me ‘Lady Aleria’ in that fake-formal tone. That’s just hiding.”
His hands came up in a helpless gesture. “All right, Aleria. Let us do some thinking. In the middle of the night, when you have one of these episodes, what do you do? Does anything work to calm you down, make you feel better?”
“Yes. If I work myself to exhaustion, then I sleep. Usually I do training exercises.”
“Logical. You feel helpless, then you do something that prepares you to act. Then you do not feel helpless anymore. You have found your solution already. The one that soldiers use when going into battle.”
“And what is that?”
“Persuade yourself that, when the thing you fear happens, you can handle it.”
“Well, that’s pretty stupid. How can anybody run into a battle, truly believing that he’s not going to get hurt?” She sat, picking up the catalogue again, riffling the pages.
The old man smiled. “Intelligence obviously has little to do with it. We make ourselves believe what we need to believe. Do you recall, once, saying that if a mercenary soldier attacked you, you would not have the power to defend yourself?”
Her cheeks went hot. “Were you listening to that?”
One side of his mouth lifted. “You do not have a soft voice. Do you still believe it?”
She nodded ruefully.
“Is that because you are just a girl, and weak?”
“No! It has nothing to do with being female. It’s because I’m weak!”
He shook his head. “It has little to do with physical strength.”
“What?”
“Of all the young men and women in your class, there are few, even the strongest of the boys, who would have the will to follow through to the end. It is the mental strength you need. The physical is merely an advantage.”
She thought a moment. “You said a few. Who?”
He shot her a quick, calculating glance. “In a situation where you had decided that it was absolutely necessary to kill? Two or three of the boys who come from military families. Perhaps Gita. Your little friend Mito, of course.”
“Mito! She couldn’t kill anyone. She’s sweet. She’s romantic. She’s…”
“Mito has spent her life doing what she has to. Given the necessity, she will continue to conduct herself the same way. With her, the difficulty would be in persuading her that it was necessary.”
“Why?”
“Because she has been forced by circumstances to do what she would rather not. She will always be very sure that the situation is unavoidable before s
he acts.
“What about me?”
“Yes. What about you?”
She shook her head. “I saw too much of the reality. I don’t ever want to be put in that situation, because I don’t think I could act.”
“Too weak?”
“I suppose so.” She sat, head in hands. “So here I am. Stuck in the poor, weak, victim role. That’s why I have these dreams, I suppose.”
She turned the pages idly, but then something caught her eye. “Say, look at these.”
“What?”
She showed him. “Look at the cost of these practice swords. There are never enough swords for the whole class. At this price, we could afford twenty new ones!”
“He glanced down, shook his head. “Not possible.”
“Why not?”
“At that price, they are certain to be mass-made in a Mechanical factory. Students at the Academy train only with hand-made weapons.”
“These aren’t weapons. They’re just practice swords!”
“Nonetheless. The Board of Governors would not approve the purchase. No sense in even trying.”
“But that’s…”
His cautioning finger stopped her. “Perhaps it is. But you have not yet completed your time at this Academy, and what you were about to say could be interpreted as unpatriotic, seditious, and by some people, even blasphemous.”
“All right. I won’t borrow any new trouble until I’ve solved the last batch.” She frowned. “But do you think all these policies are doing any good? Here I sit in the Ladies’ Academy, being protected from Mechanically made practice swords from Domaland, but my mind has been scarred far more deeply by the actions of the people of my own country.”
He did not answer, merely turned the page for her. “The approved training weapons are on the next page. What is the price this year?”
She spun the catalogue on the desk so he could read. “Taking the rest of our list into account, we have 45 Crowns left. That means we can afford only five new swords. And for that price, we could buy exactly 20 of the cheap ones.”
“Quick arithmetic.” He wrote the numbers down.
She felt the need to get up and move again. “Master Ogima, what can I do? I hate being weak and helpless and afraid,”
“Strengthen yourself.”
“Small chance…wait a minute.” She stopped her pacing and stared at him. “Are you trying to be obscure? Am I supposed to be reading something else into this?”
He slanted his head. “Not all our thoughts need be obscure. Sometimes the outcome of the simplest plan becomes hidden by variables beyond our control.”
“Then let’s make a simple plan, at least. What can I do?”
“I am not certain you can do it. I’m not sure you should even try.”
“Now you’re playing games with me. Tell me I can’t do it, so I will?”
He stood, staring down at her. “I would not play games on a matter so serious. This would be very difficult, and not something a girl of your class ever does. You would have to train like a soldier. You would have to become a proficient fighter: barehand, sword, dagger, any other weapon you chose. You would have to both strike blows and endure them until you are unafraid of either. You would have to train hard and often, to strengthen your body and your mind to the point where you truly believed that you could put up a fight against another soldier. If you believed that, your fear would probably subside.”
She frowned.
“Think of it as a story.”
“What story?”
“What happened to you was a story that might have had a bad ending. Now you lie awake and tell the story over again and put the same bad ending on it. Thus you train yourself to fear.”
“So I have to tell myself a story with a better ending.”
“Yes, but it must be the same story, and you must believe that the new ending could be true.”
“Like the soldier who persuades himself, against logic, that he isn’t the one who will get hit.”
“Exactly. And it will make it easier to believe the story if your logic tells you that you are a good enough fighter to make the ending happen.”
“I see.”
“But it would, as I say, take a great deal of time and effort, and it would change you.”
“Change me? Of course it would. But that’s what I want.”
He shook his head. “Once you consider the use of violence to solve your problems, there is no going back. Brute force will be one of your options for the rest of your life.”
She was still for a moment, staring at him as the realization dawned. “You’re going to let me do this, aren’t you? You’re going to help me.”
He smiled. “What, set you up, then disappoint you and have you yell at me again? I do not think I am up to that twice in one day.”
She jumped up and threw her arms around him. “Oh, thank you, thank you, Master Ogima.”
He returned the embrace awkwardly, patting her shoulder. She stepped back, then realized that he was blushing.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”
He shook his head, smiled. “No, no, that is quite all right. However,” and he fixed her with the cold stare she was used to from practice, “this is not something you try for a while to see if it is fun. This is a commitment to a serious project for a great length of time. I will not waste my time!”
“No, I understand.”
He nodded. “You must think on this. There is no hurry.”
“Right. I will think on it. Tonight.” She grinned. “When do we start?”
He shook his head. “Tomorrow, I suppose.”
“I’ll be here. I’ll be ready.”
“I sincerely doubt it.”
Out of Mischief: World of Change Book 1 Page 9