by Simon Green
Walter sat at the head of the table, with Melanie seated at his right hand and Diana at his left. The Lord of the Manor, with his Ladies. Sylvia sat next to Diana, and Khan sat next to Melanie. Roger next to Khan, and opposite him, Penny next to Sylvia. I pulled out a chair and sat down next to Penny. She shot me a quick, grateful smile, before going back to not listening to what Roger was saying to her.
I settled myself comfortably, removed the gleaming white napkin from its engraved silver ring, flipped the cloth out and dropped it into my lap. I don’t need napkins; I never drop anything. But it’s all part of fitting in.
The china set out before me was really quite impressive, and I’m not easily impressed. Old pieces, much used, probably going back generations. The layers of cutlery spreading out from my plate didn’t intimidate me in the least. I have travelled through every country in the world, doing good, or something very like it, and learned all their customs. All you had to do here was start at the outside and work your way in, course by course. At least no one at Belcourt Manor was going to object if I ate with my left hand.
The long dining table had obviously been intended to seat a much larger gathering, from the days when the Belcourts were a much larger family. Or perhaps they were just bigger people in those days. Walter’s Christmas gathering didn’t even fill up half the table. The tablecloth was gleaming white samite, with burning candelabra set at regular intervals. The candle-flames burned straight up, not bothered by even a breath of a draught. It was all very calm and dignified, and not a Christmas cracker was in sight. I’ve never cared for such things. I won’t read out stupid jokes, I won’t play with stupid toys, and I absolutely refuse to wear stupid paper hats. It’s not about dignity; it’s about self-respect.
Still no promise of any food, so I looked around the room.
The walls boasted yet more family portraits, more weapons on display, and the odd souvenir or relic from the Belcourt family’s military past. Flags and banners, handwritten proclamations preserved under glass, silver snuffboxes and bejewelled bits and bobs. The loot of history. I made a mental note to steal something small and valuable before I left the house, just on general principles. And without quite seeming to, I looked at everyone seated round the table, and watched their faces as I listened in on their conversations.
Penny sat back in her chair and stared at nothing, toying vaguely with her napkin ring, making vague noises of interest in response to Roger’s desperate attempts to make conversation.
‘Everything’s going to be all right, Penny,’ the young man said earnestly. ‘You’re not to worry. I’ll look after you. I know it must have been a hell of a shock … finding James like that.’ He paused, to look dubiously at me. I made sure I just happened to be looking somewhere else.
Roger sniffed loudly, possibly without even realizing he was doing it, and turned back to Penny. ‘I would never let anything happen to you, Penny. You do know that, don’t you?’
Penny smiled at Roger, giving him her full attention for the first time. ‘Yes; I know that, Roger. I never doubted it. Every now and again I remember what it was I saw in you. A crisis always brings out the best in you. Such a shame it takes so much to make you interesting. Tell me something, Roger …’
‘Of course, darling. Ask me anything.’
‘What’s going on, between you and Alexander? Come on; he’s been hanging around you all weekend, badgering you like a love-struck stalker. What does he want from you?’
Surprisingly, Roger grinned easily. ‘What does he always want? Money, of course. He thinks he can get it out of me. He thinks he can pressure me. He thinks he can get me something I want.’
‘What?’ said Penny.
‘You, of course! But alas, I know better. So, dear old Alex … can sit on it and rotate.’
I left the two young people to smile at each other and switched my attention to Alexander Khan, talking earnestly with Melanie. They were smiling into each other’s eyes and ignoring everyone else.
‘I’m sure you’re right, my dear,’ said Khan. ‘Whatever danger there might have been is quite definitely past. The killer is gone, and we are all perfectly safe. It’s always possible James brought the danger with him, as a result of whatever he was up to. But now the murderer’s got what he wanted, he’s undoubtedly long gone.’
‘Did you know James at all?’ said Melanie. ‘Only sometimes, the way you say his name, I get the distinct impression—’
‘I knew of him,’ Khan said quickly. ‘He had a reputation … in a field I was once involved in. But I never met the man.’
‘Or Ishmael?’ said Melanie.
‘No; that was his father. Daniel. Just one of those strange coincidences, I suppose, that the son of my old colleague should work for Walter’s son. But then, life is full of strange connections. Like us.’
‘Hush,’ said Melanie, still smiling. ‘Not in front of Walter.’
‘He’s not listening.’
‘You can never tell with Walter.’
‘But we will meet, later?’
‘Oh, of course. Later,’ said Melanie. And they went back to smiling into each other’s eyes.
I let my concentration move on, to Diana and Sylvia. Not surprisingly, Sylvia was doing most of the talking. Chattering cheerfully about previous Christmas parties she’d attended, at other great houses. Shamelessly name-dropping minor celebrities, past lovers and important business connections. Diana just nodded, here and there and not always in time, lost in her own memories.
Sylvia finally gave up. ‘Honestly, darling! Here I am, treating you to my very best gossip, and you’re miles away! Whatever is the matter, dear?’
‘My son is dead,’ said Diana. ‘My only child. I never wanted another, until it was far too late.’ She smiled sadly at Sylvia. ‘And so I make do, with my dear young companions. My substitute children. Don’t get too attached to me, dear. I’m a terrible mother.’
And all this time Walter sat alone at the head of his table, lord of all he surveyed; saying nothing, looking at no one. Except, perhaps, at his great family hall. Such a large room, with so few present to enjoy it. Walter was the end of his family history, and he knew it. He had grown old, in an old house. And soon, he wouldn’t even have that. Because he had done well, but not well enough. It’s a hard thing, to know that soon you will have no choice but to sell your family inheritance, for a few last years of comfort.
And then all the conversation broke off abruptly, and everyone looked around as the door slammed open and in came Cook, pushing a large and heavily-laden trolley ahead of her. There was a sudden marvellous smell of hot food, and everyone perked up. Jeeves followed Cook in.
‘Ah, Mrs Bridges!’ said Walter loudly. ‘Dinner, at last!’
‘You’re lucky to have it!’ snapped Cook. A small fierce blonde woman in her late twenties, in a stylized Victorian cook’s outfit, she scowled around the dining table, sparing no one. Her hair was short and spiky, her face red with sweat and exertion, and her gaze was full of an uncomplicated fury. She slammed to a halt, leaning on her trolley while she got her breath back, and looked very much like she would enjoy spitting in the food. Right in front of us.
‘Here’s your dinner!’ she said loudly. ‘On time! And it’s Ms Bridges, thank you very much. Leilah Bridges, and don’t you forget it! I have produced this entire dinner on my own, without any staff or support, under conditions I wouldn’t wish on a deceased dog! That nasty old shit-hole downstairs is the most old-fashioned and inefficient kitchen I have ever had the misfortune to work in. And I’ve been around!’
‘It’s true,’ murmured Jeeves. ‘She has.’
‘So here’s your dinner!’ said Cook. ‘Eat it while it’s hot! I’ll serve the soup, and then I’m out of here. You can help yourselves to the other courses from the trolley, because I’m not coming back. And yes, there is afters. Plum duff, on the bottom shelf. Hope you like your custard thick and lumpy, because that’s how I like it, so that’s how I make it. All right?’<
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No one dared answer. Cook prowled round the table, shoving the trolley in front of her with sudden bursts of ill-tempered strength, ladling generous amounts of soup into bowls and then slamming them down in front of people, most of whom were wise enough to just sit well back in their chairs and let her get on with it. Khan made the mistake of asking what kind of soup it was, and she slammed the bowl down in front of him so hard, the contents actually jumped up into the air for a moment.
Cook fixed Khan with an openly mutinous glare. ‘Can’t you smell it? That is Mulligatawny! Beef curry soup! Get it down you; it’s good for what ails you. Don’t poke at it like that! It’s supposed to have bits in it!’
She finished her rounds, abandoned the trolley and headed straight for the open door. She paused there, to glare back at us one last time. ‘I could have been at home with my family, safe and sound and stuffed full of good food, but no! I am trapped here in this decrepit old dump, with a murderer lurking in the shadows, and all hell breaking loose outside. I’m only here because I was tempted by the money. I should be getting a bonus! I should be getting danger money! Right; I am out of here. I am going straight back to my kitchen, where I want everyone to know I have a really big cleaver and a complete willingness to use it!’
‘It’s true,’ said Jeeves. ‘She has.’
‘Hold everything,’ I said.
All eyes turned to me. To my surprise, Cook calmed down immediately and studied me with cool, thoughtful eyes.
I nodded at the soup in front of me. ‘It looks fine,’ I said. ‘And it smells delicious. But given that one of us has already been murdered, almost certainly after being drugged … I can’t help wondering how much we can trust whatever is put in front of us.’
Everyone looked at their soup.
I smiled at Cook. ‘No offence to you, Ms Bridges, but anyone could have sneaked down to your kitchen and … interfered with the food. So I have to wonder; do we need a food taster?’
Jeeves moved in beside me, took up my soup spoon, stirred the soup thoroughly, and then raised a spoonful to his mouth. He knocked it back, without a single emotion crossing his face, licked his lips, and then dropped my spoon back into the bowl.
‘Delicious,’ he said.
I picked up the spoon, polished it carefully with my napkin, and then smiled around the table. ‘Well,’ I said. ‘Good enough for me! Bon appétit, everyone.’
Cook said, ‘Hah!’ in a loud and carrying voice, and stomped away. Jeeves went after her, shutting the door quietly but firmly behind them.
‘So,’ said Penny. ‘That’s Cook … Where on earth did you find her, Daddy?’
‘Same place that gave us Jeeves,’ said Walter. ‘Apparently they come as a package … Does anyone want me to say grace?’
He looked hopefully down the table, but he’d left it too late. We’d all had a long hard day, and we were all of us extremely hungry. In fact, most of us had started the soup before he’d finished his first sentence. Nothing stimulates the appetite like an unexpected proximity to death. So we all tucked in. The food was excellent, and everyone gave it their full attention. But even the best food couldn’t stop these people from talking for long; not when they all had so much they wanted to say. After a little surreptitious prompting from Khan, Melanie started the ball rolling.
‘Walter!’
‘Yes, dear?’ he said immediately. ‘Have I forgotten something?’
‘I demand to know why you felt the need to bring an armed bodyguard into our house, masquerading as a butler!’
Walter looked at Khan, who just shrugged. Walter patted Melanie’s hand comfortingly. ‘Just being cautious, my dear. Alex drew my attention to some rather worrying hate mail, aimed at me and the company, so I decided we would all be a lot safer with a professional security expert on hand. I think you’ll all agree; Jeeves has proved a first-class butler …’
‘The Colonel is still dead,’ I said, and Walter had no reply to that. I looked at Khan. ‘So; Alex. As head of the company these days, you must have known about Jeeves all along?’
‘No,’ said Khan. ‘I didn’t. Walter didn’t see fit to inform me.’
He glared at Walter, who met his gaze unflinchingly. ‘I don’t have to tell you everything, Alex. I am still capable of making my own decisions.’
‘Is that why my James is dead?’ Diana said loudly. ‘Was he killed because of these threats to you and your damned company? Are you responsible for our son’s death?’
Walter looked at her, helplessly, and then looked at me. I nodded, took the envelope out of my pocket, removed the letter, and read out the contents to the whole company. And then I passed the letter down the table, so everyone could look at it for themselves. To see I wasn’t exaggerating. So I could look at them, looking at the Colonel’s last words. Because I felt the need to stir things up a little. They were all clearly intrigued by the letter’s contents, but they also seemed equally surprised and equally baffled. The letter went up the table and down the other side, and ended up with Roger, who didn’t want to give it up until he’d had his say. Penny cut him off with a hard look and kept on glaring at him until he reluctantly handed the letter back to me. I put it away again.
‘I think the time for secrets is past,’ said Khan, not looking at anyone in particular. ‘We need to know, we have a right to know, just what the hell is going on here. And exactly what it is you and the Colonel do, Mister Jones, that has brought this … horror, here.’
‘Damn right!’ said Roger.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, trying to sound like I was. ‘I could tell you, but then I’d have to nuke the house from orbit, just to be sure. You could say, I was the Colonel’s Jeeves. I solved problems for him. Protecting those who needed protecting from bad things, and putting the hard word on people who deserved it. Except, unlike Jeeves, I don’t carry a gun. Never have. Don’t believe in them. Now, I hate to rain on everyone’s parade, but I can’t let you hide behind a false sense of security any longer.’
I explained to them why the Colonel simply couldn’t have been killed where Penny and I found him. That the lack of blood made it clear it was a body dump. And that the murderer was almost certainly sitting right there at the table, hiding in plain sight, hoping to go unnoticed till the storm passed and they could make their escape.
‘Only, that isn’t going to happen,’ I said. ‘Because I will find the killer first.’
‘And put the hard word on him?’ said Penny.
‘He killed my Colonel,’ I said. And something in my voice made everyone at the table shiver, just for a moment.
‘Why didn’t you tell us all this before?’ said Khan.
‘Because you weren’t ready to hear it,’ I said.
People were looking back and forth around the table, staring into familiar faces, looking for something out of place. They all seemed to accept my logic, even if none of them were happy about it. Here and there, hands moved a little closer to the knives by their plates, as though feeling the need for something like a weapon. Everyone was eyeing up everyone else and wondering if they could take them. Or outrun them.
‘So,’ I said, and everyone’s eyes snapped back to me. I did my best to smile reassuringly. ‘It’s time to establish who has an alibi. See if we can rule anyone out. Where were you all, when the Colonel was murdered?’
‘But … we don’t know when James was killed, do we?’ said Melanie.
I looked at Walter. ‘You said the Colonel arrived here very late, last night. Can you remember what time it was when he finally retired to his room?’
‘Half-past two in the a.m.,’ said Walter, very firmly. ‘I remember, because James pointed out how long we’d been talking, and we both laughed. We would have gone on, but we were both tired out. If I’d known it was the last time I would ever talk with him … Anyway, I escorted him upstairs. I’d put him back in his old room; the Tiger Lily.’
‘We only have your word for it that that’s the right time,’ said Roger, bullishly.<
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‘Really, Roger!’ said Penny. ‘You can’t call Daddy a liar to his face! I won’t have it!’
‘Assume, for the moment, that Walter’s memory is correct,’ I said. ‘That means the Colonel had to be murdered some time after two thirty a.m., and before four thirty p.m., when Penny and I found the body. Which is a hell of a gap, complicated by the frozen state of the body. He had to have been there for some time before we found him, to have frozen so solidly. Everyone; think hard. Do any of you remember anyone here going missing, during that period? As in, unaccounted for? Not being where you would expect them to be?’
I looked up and down the table, where everyone was busy looking at everyone else. They would all have liked to accuse someone, either to pay off some old score, or just to make themselves feel better … but none of them felt justified in pointing the finger, just yet.
‘I was with Walter,’ Melanie said finally.
‘And I was with Sylvia,’ said Diana.
‘I’ve spent most of the day talking business with Walter, or Roger,’ said Khan.
‘And Roger’s been hanging around me pretty much non-stop,’ said Penny.
She didn’t sound particularly happy about that. Roger started to bristle, remembered where he was, and subsided again.
‘We have to be realistic,’ Walter said heavily. ‘Any one of us could have slipped away, for perfectly justifiable reasons … Disappeared for a while, without anyone noticing or thinking twice about it. How could we know what was going to be significant and what wasn’t? It’s a big house, and we’ve all been coming and going. None of us has an alibi that’s worth a damn.’
‘We’ve locked the killer inside the house with us,’ said Khan. And no one had anything else to say, after that.
I wished the Colonel was there. He was always so much better at this sort of thing than I ever was.
For want of anything better to do, we all started eating again. Course after course. Partly to keep us occupied; mainly because no one wanted to go anywhere. There might be a killer in the room, but there was still safety in numbers. We ate everything on the trolley, including the plum duff and custard, which was actually quite tasty, and drank a lot of tea and coffee. We talked of various things, in brittle artificial tones, looking for hidden meanings in everyone’s words. Circling around the subject no one wanted to discuss, but which we couldn’t stop thinking about. I was still thinking hard and getting nowhere, when Melanie suddenly stood up.