by Ashley Erin
“Ava, why are you over there? Join us.” Joe reaches towards me, dropping his hand at the last second.
“Momma, see what Daddy got for me.” Unable to deny Noah, I sit down next to him and watch him unwrap his gift. Noah opens the box and gasps as he sees what is inside. Eyes wide, he sticks his hand in the box and pulls out a Nintendo DS. “Thank you, Daddy!”
Noah jumps out of his seat and onto his father’s lap. Joe looks at me over his shoulder, “I hope that’s an okay gift?”
“It’s a great gift.” Checking in the box, I smile when I see the two games he bought are decently educational. “We better go get our seats.”
Joe nods and takes Noah’s hands. “Are you excited, Noah? We’re going to a dinosaur movie!” The two of them get popcorn and even though having Joe consistently around isn’t easy, seeing the smile on Noah’s face as he finally gets to spend time with his dad makes it all worth it.
Together we head into the movie, Noah sitting between us. I only hope that it’s not confusing for him once I’m no longer coming on the visits.
Two hours later, we are exiting the theater, Noah talking excitedly about his favorite parts. Joe rests his hand on the small of my back as we walk to the car, dropping it when I flinch. It was an unconscious reaction, but that’s where Dax has taken to resting his hand and it doesn’t feel right when Joe does it.
Aside from a few awkward moments, the visit has gone well, and I have to admit, Joe has been impressing me with his commitment to showing he is devoted to being a better father. I just wish he would give up on the hope that we can make things work. Five years ago, this change in attitude would have had me melting into a puddle at his feet. I’m not a scared sixteen-year-old anymore, and my heart is definitely not available. It’s been giving pieces of itself away for over a month now.
Closing the door to my car, I turn to Joe taking a step back from his nearness. “I think that we should up the time you get with him. Let’s do a visit a week for the next month, if they go well, we will add in sleepovers.”
“Done. When are you free for the next one? Do you want to set a day? Maybe Fridays?” He leans against the car and smiles crookedly at me.
“Not Fridays. Let’s do Sundays. With March around the corner, you can plan more things outdoors and when we do sleepovers Mondays are good for me to pick him up in the morning.” Trying to coordinate a second person being so involved in Noah’s life is something I know I need to do, but the idea of him not being at my parents’ house causes me some anxiety.
“Are you going to sleep over the first time too?” Joe’s voice is teasing, but I catch the serious undertone to the question.
“No, I’m not. Joe, I have no issue co-parenting with you, however aside from an amicable, platonic relationship in which we discuss our son, there is nothing else.” Disappointment fills his face before his smirk is back.
“I told you, I’m not giving up. Don’t make any rash decisions.” Before I can stop him, his lips are on my cheek in a brief peck. He steps back and opens my car door. “I will see you next Sunday.”
Shutting my car door, I bang my head against the headrest of my seat. That is going to be exhausting. Closing my eyes, I try to figure out the best way to shut this down for good without damaging the progress we’ve made in regards to Noah. My phone dings with a text; opening my eyes, I fish it out of my purse praying it’s not Joe.
Dax: Why do you look so tired?
Perking up, I look around and almost squeal out loud when I see him, Andie and Kensi parked in the spot across from me. Removing my key from the ignition, I open my door.
“What are you guys doing here?” Leaning on my door, I try to slow my heart as Dax walks over to me.
“The girls wanted to do some shopping, and I tagged along because I was hoping to catch you before you left. Why don’t I ride back with you, Andie can pick me up from your parent’s after they’re done spending money they don’t have.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets and for the first time, I see Dax looking unsettled. He’s putting himself out there, something I know is difficult for him.
“That sounds perfect. Noah will fall asleep as soon as we start driving, so the company would be appreciated.” Waving at the girls, I slip back into my car and glance at Noah. He’s already asleep.
Dax gets in my car and turns down the music, checking on Noah he turns back to me and smiles. “He sure is a cute kid. A year ago, the idea of being around kids was not something I even considered. Now, honestly, I think having to consider my actions and words more carefully is making me better. All of you are making me better.”
“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. Like I’ve told you before, we all have things in our past that we’re not proud of.” I look at him out of the corner of my eye as I turn onto the highway. We are locked in a car together for two and a half hours. We’ve jumped into something that neither of us knows what it is, and I don’t have the luxury to be flighty in my relationships, especially when Noah is already attached, and he doesn’t know what’s going on.
“Ava, you may not think the same if you knew.” Dax looks out the window, his jaw clenched so tight mine is experiencing sympathy pains.
“You’re infuriating! Didn’t you give Andie a lecture for basically saying the same thing? What about the fact that you could learn things about me that may change the way you view me? Isn’t the whole point of getting to know each other to decide whether whatever this is will work? We’ve jumped in pretty quickly, so let’s skip over the bullshit lovey dovey crap and dig right in.” Inhaling, I try to calm the pounding of my heart. This is a two-way street. I have an idea of what kind of shit Dax used to get into, I googled the Vipers and it was eye-opening, but will he be able to accept me for my past mistake?
“You’re right; we’re not taking a normal route into a relationship. I don’t open up easily, I’m not proud of my past, and it’s not something I want to share with most people.” Dax looks at me, intensity radiating off him. It’s overwhelming. “I don’t think I’m good enough for you. I don’t know if I ever will be, but I can try.”
“That’s all anyone can ever ask. And isn’t it up to me to decide whether you’re ‘good enough’ for me?” Inhaling deeply, I find a side road and pull off. Unbuckling my seat belt, I turn towards Dax. “The night I got pregnant, Joe walked in on me having sex with his best friend. We’d had a fight the day before and said a lot of terrible things to each other and I was trying to get back at him.”
Closing my eyes, I’m flooded with shame at how vindictive I was. “I had been holding out on Joe and then gave it up to his best friend, knowing the likelihood we would get caught was high. He stormed out of the room and started drinking. I found him alone later, and we started fighting. Then we started kissing. One thing led to another and well the result is sleeping in the back seat.” Turning my head towards him, I let the pain I’m feeling seep out into my words. “I told him not to worry about a condom. I made the choice that got us into this. The thing is, I won’t regret it. I cannot regret anything that led to Noah. What I do regret is the person I was when he was conceived. Joe didn’t believe that Noah was his because there could have been a chance it wasn’t. No one knows this. I’m so ashamed that I would use sex as a weapon like that.”
Fidgeting with my parking brake, I stare at my lap. Fingers brush against my jaw as Dax gently tilts my head towards his, his lips meeting mine briefly. “No one expects you to regret Noah, and if they do, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Besides, I don’t know of any fifteen-year-old that isn’t vindictive or manipulative. Your choices have molded who you are and who you are is pretty damn great.”
“Remind yourself of that when you’re giving yourself a hard time.” Gripping the sides of his head, I pull his forehead down to mine. “Your turn.”
He nods, forehead scrunching as he leans against the door and watches me shift into gear. I’m assuming it will be easier for him to talk if I have to watch the road instea
d of him.
“I need to ease into this. You will have to give me time to tell you everything and I’m not going to sugarcoat anything. Some of it will have to wait until we’re alone.” He reaches down and clasps my hand in his. Dax’s grip is firm, but it’s manageable.
“I joined a gang, the Vipers, when I was fifteen. At least I think I was fifteen, I spent a lot of time under the influence of drugs until I was seventeen. I was not a nice person, there was a lot of anger, and I let people use it for their own gain.” He tries to turn away from me, but I grip his hand tighter and pull it into my lap.
“Don’t.” He looks at me, his thoughts elsewhere. “Don’t shut down.”
“It’s hard not to fall back on the coping mechanisms I’ve been taught. It’s easy to tell other people not to do things; it’s more difficult to tell yourself the same thing.” Squeezing my hand, he looks straight out the window, jaw working as he struggles to voice the words he needs to. “If something I tell you causes you to look at me differently, I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve spent the better part of a year being told no one will accept me so I should just come back to those that do. I’ve been told it so much, I believe it.”
“Have you killed anyone?” I say it jokingly, but we both know I’m serious.
“No.” His voice is low, controlled.
My shoulders lose the tension I was holding. I hate myself for allowing that doubt to fill my head. He feels my reaction, and I can sense him closing off a bit. Clutching his hand, I try to take away the damage that question caused. “I know that, even if my brain questioned it, in my heart I had no doubt.” As I say the words, I know they’re true and he can tell they are too.
Lifting my hand, he kisses the palm before releasing it.
My hand feels empty without hers, but I can’t be touching her when I tell her what I need to. The words that will ultimately change how she sees me. Checking the back seat, I’m both relieved, and disappointed Noah is still asleep. I have no excuses. “I’ve never killed anyone before, but I’ve beaten someone to the point of hospitalization. All for the sake of a small debt they hadn’t paid to someone else. I was a tool, a merciless tool.”
Silence surrounds us as she drives, her eyes focused on the road ahead. Looking at the clock, I’m shocked to see we’ve been driving for over two hours. Counting the minutes she doesn’t say anything, I feel dread slowly fill my body.
Different outcomes fill my head.
She’s terrified.
She’s disgusted.
She’s realizing she’s too good for someone like me.
She accepts it.
The last one is almost the worst because it means I would have allowed Ivan to manipulate me one last time, allowed him to make me believe that someone as wonderful as Ava would never see past my transgressions and accept me wholly.
It’s been ten minutes since anyone has said anything. I feel myself locking up, prepared for the worst. She takes the exit towards her parents’ house, turning into their driveway way too soon.
As soon as the vehicle is parked, I’m outside trying to breathe when it feels like a fist is crushing my lungs.
Ava’s car door shuts quietly, her footsteps crunching on the gravel until she stops in front of me. Closing my eyes, I can’t look her in the eyes as she tells me how disgusting I am.
Gentle hands cup my face. “You need to forgive yourself. Someone saw a person who was damaged. Saw someone who needed a role model, a strong figure in his life and took advantage of that. Are you responsible for the decisions of your past? Absolutely. That doesn’t mean it’s unforgivable.”
“You are either the most understanding person I will ever meet, or you are in denial of what I admitted to you.” Opening my eyes, I search her face for any trace her words don’t match what she is feeling inside.
“I understand you perfectly. I also know you are not that person any more. Do I have any doubt you will do whatever is necessary to protect those you love, no. I only have one question.” Her thumbs make soft circles down my neck to my shoulders, easing some of the tension I’ve been carrying since I told her part of my past. There is so much more to say, but I’m not going to pile it on all at once.
“Anything.”
“Is there any part of you, any part in the slightest, that misses it and is tempted to go back?” Ava looks at me steadily, the strong woman she is shining through.
“None at all.” It’s not even an option, not if I want to finally be someone worthy of her and definitely not if I want to stay out of prison.
Her responding smile is brilliant, relief flooding through me as she steps into my arms.
“Promise?”
“I swear. I’m never going back.”
“Okay then.” Ava tilts her head up, pulling me down into a fierce kiss.
It’s shocking how difficult it was to force those words out, but seeing how accepting she is I want her to know all of me. I don’t want her to have any question about who I am and I want the same from her. The want, the need, to know everything about her is growing. This woman has the capacity to become more to me than I ever thought possible.
“I think it’s time I finally take you out on a first date.”
She chuckles and nods, turning to open the rear car door and lifts Noah from his seat. Leaning down, I take him from her arms. Ava smiles gratefully, her expression soft as she grabs the rest of their things from the car.
Together we walk into her parents’ house, and I tuck him into his bed as she goes to let her mom know we’re going out.
Watching Noah curl into his pillow, arm wrapping around a stuffed koala bear, the enormity of what I’m getting involved with really clicks. Instead of feeling overwhelmed or scared, I’m shocked to find I feel excited.
This scenario seemed out of reach for me. No one would ever think I was deserving of this, but as Ava slips her hand into mine, I realize that I’ve found someone who sees past everything else and sees me. For the first time, I feel content.
Grabbing my phone to text Andie that Ava is going to bring me home, I pause as I see a message from Robert. Crap, I forgot it’s time for my quarterly meeting with him. One more thing to explain to Ava.
Dax opens the door for me, my stomach tied in knots as we walk into the intimate restaurant together for our first official date. The low lighting creates soft shadows throughout the small dining area. There are no tables, just intimate booths providing privacy to the diners.
“I know dinner seems kind of cliché, but I thought we should do something normal for our first date . . . Since we skipped over this step.” Dax’s hand rests on the small of my back, heat spreading through my body to the point I can’t even hear what the hostess is saying as she leads us to a quiet corner.
“This is perfect.” I’m finally able to speak as we sit down, thighs touching under the tablecloth.
Silently, we look at the menus. My knee starts moving as the silence grows. I can see the twitch of Dax’s lips as he feels it. He knows I start babbling when no one talks for a while, and it’s worse tonight because I’m nervous. I’m positive he waits for me to burst with embarrassing chatter on purpose.
Ridiculous seeing as we’ve seen each other naked, yet I know myself, and I know that us being on an actual date makes this officially real. That means the fact that I’m falling in love with him is something I need to address. Not only with him, but also with my family and with Joe.
It seems completely ridiculous to use that word so quickly, but there is not a single thing about him that I don’t love.
Dax reaches under the table, engulfing my hand in his and squeezing. The nerves settle, and even though I still want to break the silence, it’s simply because I want to talk to him. I want to hear what he is thinking about, I want to learn everything about him.
“I don’t even know what your favorite color is.” He lays his menu down. I haven’t even really seen what’s on it as I set mine down as well.
“It’s orange
. The orange that takes over the trees in the fall.” His answer is perfect. I don’t know how picking a favorite color can have a right or wrong answer, but his is the right one.
“That’s funny, mine is the color of new leaves in the spring. That vibrant green.” I see the server making her way towards us, so I quickly scan the menu.
“Hi, I’m Tammy. What can I get started for you this evening?” She eyes Dax appreciatively, blushing when she sees me watching her.
He looks at me to go first. “May I please have an iced tea to drink and I would like the lemon chicken with a Caesar salad and the garlic mashed potatoes.”
She jots down my order quickly and turns to Dax. I can’t blame her for wanting to look at him, and surprisingly, I’m not jealous at all. I know he notices that she is eyeing him appreciatively, Dax sees everything, but he doesn’t pay any attention to it as he looks at her. “That sounds perfect, I will have the same.” He hands her our menus, smiling politely before turning to face me. “How old were you when you started painting?”
“I was six. It’s something Mom and I did together. She loves arts and crafts, even to this day our house is decorated with homemade decorations every holiday. She is addicted to Pinterest and trying out anything she has time for.” It’s hard not to feel guilty talking about how wonderful my parents are when I know that Dax and Andie had such a tough upbringing. I’ve met Char, I think she is wonderful . . . now.
Andie told me not that long ago that when she took Lucas to Calmar to visit her mom she found antidepressants in her bathroom. Remembering the relief she had that her mom had finally gotten herself some help, I couldn’t help feel angry that she didn’t try harder when her children were younger. Then again, I can’t imagine being in their mom’s position either.
“Before we realized what kind of person my dad is, we used to do family fishing days. We would find an obscure lake somewhere. Dad would help me fish. Mom and Andie would play cards or build a fort. Thinking back on those days, I wonder how we ended up where we did.”