Feeling like a complete idiot, he grabbed the package from her hands, but not before noting the sadness that flicked through her gaze.
She gestured toward the front door. “I...I have some more groceries in the car.”
Jake nodded. “The boys and I will help.”
Holden put the water in the kitchen and instructed the kids to help Jake with the groceries. He brushed past his sister out the back door and into his truck. He rolled down the windows. The air was hot and sticky, but he relished the heat against his face as he drove away.
He didn’t know where he wanted to go. He just needed to leave. Ava had returned to Surprise back in the spring, and Holden had hoped for a chance with her again. Had got his heart all set on love. Jess was getting married. Jake had already tied the knot. Dad and Irene might as well be hitched. Then Holden had found out about the baby, and Dad had had a stroke. Holden punched the seat beside him. A man could take only so much.
He found himself parked outside the physical therapy clinic. He and Ava had fallen in love with each other again starting right there, of all places. He wasn’t lying when he’d told her she was a good therapist. She’d grown up so much since he’d known her eight years ago. Grew up for the better, and he’d found that he loved her all the more.
And yet each time he looked at her now he saw the lie. Not an outright lie, but one of omission. A secret she should have shared. Forgive her, Jake said, as if Holden didn’t know he should forgive her. But knowing what to do and being able to do it were two different things.
He stared out the windshield at the purples and pinks surrounding the setting sun, and remembered their time together watching the movie at the stadium. God, I don’t want to feel this way. I want to forgive her. I just don’t know how.
Chapter 20
By the end of a miserably hot August, Ava’s hope that Holden would someday forgive her waned. With ninety degree and higher temperatures at night, she often woke up in a sweat, which then led to her fretting over Holden’s words to Jake more than a month ago. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you want a relationship with them.
With the words fresh in her mind again in the wee hours of the morning, Ava made her way to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. She settled into the wingback chair in her bedroom and lifted the Bible off the end table. In the past, she’d used her electronic device to read scriptures. Lately, she’d wanted to touch the words on the page and mark her thoughts and questions.
She looked at the verses she’d read the day before. Many people quoted the Romans verse in their times of trouble, but for years she’d fought the words Paul had penned. Closing her eyes, she whispered the passage imprinted on her heart. “‘We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.’”
But how could her baby’s death work good? And what about bad choices? She and Holden had been Christians that night all those years ago. They knew they’d gone against God’s plan for them. Every decision in life resulted in a consequence, good or bad. She mumbled the words again. “‘All things.’”
Because of that night, a child had been formed. Though he hadn’t taken a breath, she’d felt his life within her. Had it not been for her son, she might have pursued her parents’ life, one of caring only for career and getting ahead. And from her baby’s death, she had learned to cling to God for comfort and peace. She’d meet precious baby Holden one day in Glory.
She flipped the pages of the Bible to the front and traced Holden’s name and date of birth and death with her fingertips. Indescribable pain had come from his death, and yet good had indeed come as well.
She opened the table drawer and pulled out the small photo album. She didn’t often look through the pictures Aunt Irene had taken of Holden, because Ava basked in remembering him alive in her womb. Opening to the first page, she studied his perfect face. The nurse had placed a blue cap on his head, covering the exposed brain. His eyes bulged a bit, but his cheeks were chubby, his little mouth perfect and shaped like his daddy’s. In the picture, she held him in her arms, with tears streaking down her cheeks.
Again, her heart broke that she hadn’t told Holden. When the doctor had explained the diagnosis, and that her son would certainly die after birth, if not before, she couldn’t see the benefit of telling him. She hadn’t talked to Holden in months. He didn’t know she was pregnant. Why call him to come see a dead baby?
She traced their child’s small, perfectly formed hands in the picture. She hadn’t realized how good it would be to hold her son. In her eyes, he wasn’t deformed. He was perfect, and he’d left her to live in the arms of Jesus. Somehow holding him had allowed her to release him.
And she’d stolen that opportunity from Holden.
She put the photo album away. The past couldn’t be undone, and consequences did result from all actions. Holden might never be able to forgive her in a way that allowed them to have a relationship again. The thought pained her, but she had to choose to find the good in it.
She stood up and changed into some comfortable, cool clothes, then brushed her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. When she walked into the kitchen, Aunt Irene was pouring a glass of orange juice. Ava glanced at the clock. She hadn’t realized she’d spent so long reading the Bible, praying and looking at pictures.
“You ready to work on the garden?” asked her aunt.
“Absolutely, though I am not sure how you will be able to keep up with all the vegetables you’re planting at Jerry and Holden’s house.”
“I thought you loved to garden.”
Ava took a glass from the cabinet and poured herself some juice. “I do, but I don’t live at their house. Making sure all those vegetables are taken care of will be a chore.”
“Jerry will help. And Holden.”
Ava unwrapped a granola bar. “Holden is busy on the ranch, and Jerry is doing great, but...”
“Are you saying broccoli, cucumbers, cabbage, carrots, snap beans, green onions, spinach and turnips sound like a lot of veggies to keep track of?” Aunt Irene smiled.
Ava lifted her finger. “And don’t forget we planted sweet corn seeds last month.”
She snapped her fingers. “That we did.” She winked. “You might just have to quit your day job and move over there.”
Ava laughed. “First of all, I love my day job. And secondly, I think Holden would have a few things to say about that.”
Aunt Irene shrugged. “I don’t know. I think he’s coming around. It’s just taking him a while. Quite a shock, you know.”
Ava picked at her fingernail. “I was so wrong not to tell him.”
“You can’t change what’s done. You’ve asked for forgiveness.” Her aunt patted her hand. “You can only focus on following God’s will now.”
“I know.” Ava swallowed the last of her juice, then placed the glass in the sink. “We better get over there. The longer we wait, the hotter it’s gonna be.”
Aunt Irene walked down the hall. “Let me get my shoes, and we’ll go.”
Ava opened the door to see the sun just peeking up over the horizon. The sky, a mixture of purples, pinks and yellows, seemed to beckon the city to wake up and enjoy a new day. Ava would dig into the earth, literally, allowing God’s nature to be a balm to her heart and soul. No matter what happened with Holden, she would trust the Lord.
* * *
Holden dreaded the weekends. Saturdays and Sundays meant a lot of time spent with Ava. Irene came to the house every day to help Dad, and his recovery had been incredible. Already, he got around without a walker and talked without problems. He still napped a lot and battled fear that he’d lose the ability to communicate again, but overall, his health was terrific.
Holden set bowls of hot whole-grain cereal on the kitchen table. Dad cut up bananas and placed
the pieces on a saucer while Holden grabbed an orange for himself. They sat at the table, and his dad offered a quick blessing.
“Ava’s planting again today.” Jerry popped a bite of banana in his mouth and chewed.
“I know.” Holden nodded toward his cereal. “As soon as I finish breakfast, I’ll look in on the cattle, check the fences.”
“Gonna avoid the house all day, huh?”
“No. I’ve just got things to do.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
Dad took a bite of cereal. He spent a lot longer chewing his food. He seemed to exaggerate each bite to insure his jaws still worked as they should.
“How are you feeling today, Dad?”
“Good.” A shadow washed across his features. “The physical rehabilitation has been a lot easier than the emotional.”
He held up a bottle of pills. “I never dreamed I’d take medicine for anxiety. Always prided myself on giving my troubles over to God.”
Holden shifted in his chair. He’d been struggling in his quiet moments with the Lord. Every lesson he taught the boys at church and every scripture he read seemed to focus on forgiveness and love.
Love wasn’t the problem. He’d given up trying to overcome the feelings he had for Ava. Each time he saw her, his heart drummed to a disjointed, staccato beat that took his breath away. But his feelings were more than just emotion. He loved her. Wanted the best for her. Yet he couldn’t get past the truth that she hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him about their baby. He felt betrayed by her.
His dad tapped the top of the medicine bottle, drawing Holden from his thoughts. “But God is using this medicine to help me. Pride’s a funny thing.” He chuckled. “I believed my way of thinking was right. Showed faith.” He tapped his chest. “But it was my way. God uses all kinds of things to draw us near. This helps clear my mind so that I can lean on Him.”
The front door opened. Irene walked into the kitchen, then leaned down and pressed a kiss on Dad’s cheek. She grinned at Holden. “How are two of my favorite guys this morning?”
“Good,” said Holden.
“Ava didn’t come with you?” asked Dad. “I thought you had gardening in mind.”
Irene pointed to the yard. “She’s already hard at work. That girl sure loves to garden. Was up well before sunrise.”
“She was?” said Dad.
“She might have had a few other things on her mind. That one’s not been sleeping too good lately.” She patted Dad’s back, then pointed to Holden. “Before you set out to do your chores, I wondered if you’d help me a minute.”
Holden stood. “Of course.”
He followed her into the spare bedroom, where she had him move the dresser and nightstand. They seemed fine where they’d been before, but Irene had been so helpful and kind he decided not to argue. She plopped down on the foot of the bed, then tapped the mattress beside her. “I’d like to talk with you a minute, if you don’t mind.”
Holden’s stomach tightened when he sat down and she pulled a small blue photo album out of the bag. He knew what was inside that book. Part of him wanted to run out of the door. Ava had offered to let him see pictures, but he’d never been able to conjure the courage to ask. He feared what his son would look like, feared what he’d feel when he saw the baby.
She placed her hand on top of the album, then looked at Holden. “Do you know Ava rarely sleeps? Her faith has grown tremendously, but she still hurts that she never told you about your son.”
Holden tried to harden his heart against the words, but the sincerity in Irene’s gaze weakened his resolve. “She’s apologized. I know she meant it.”
“No, Holden. I don’t think you do. She was shocked when she learned of the baby. Soon after, she was told he wouldn’t live, possibly not even take a single breath. She was only eighteen.”
Holden stared at the album in Irene’s grasp. He wanted to see, yet he didn’t.
“In her mind, she couldn’t see the good in calling you after months of being gone, to tell you she was pregnant, and that your baby was going to die.” Irene placed her hand on his shoulder. “She thought she was protecting you.”
Holden opened his mouth to respond, but Irene shook her head. “Then she saw him, and she knew she’d been wrong.”
Irene opened the book, and Holden bit his bottom lip as he looked down at his son in Ava’s arms. Irene placed the book in his hands, then walked out of the bedroom and shut the door. Holden sat there and devoured each page. With his little blue cap on his head, the child looked like a perfect, alive baby.
Holden flipped through the pages and stopped at one of Ava holding their son. Her profile showed tears streaming down her cheek as she touched their child’s lips with her finger. Beneath the picture she’d written, “Daddy’s mouth.”
Holden’s heart broke, and the Holy Spirit slipped in a peace he couldn’t explain or comprehend. He’d forgiven her.
Chapter 21
Ava sat down at the table for the now-weekly Sunday dinner with her cousins and Holden’s family. For the last month Holden had sat beside Traci and Carl, but to her surprise, he took a seat beside her today. He pointed to the salad on his plate. “Looks delicious.”
“Thanks.” Ava’s cheeks warmed, as that was the first time he’d spoken to her without a reason in two months.
The families passed around the food, then Jerry prayed over their meal. For the first time, Matt had brought a girlfriend, a petite brunette named April. He smiled at her constantly, and she blushed with each word he spoke to her. Despite the crowded room, Mitch and Ellie whispered and giggled intimately, and Ava wondered how long it would be before her older cousins announced engagements. Traci and Carl and Sara and Daryl bantered back and forth about the baby, then sports, then the baby.
“Ha!” Sara crowed at something Traci had said. “At least Dad’s name is still up for grabs.”
Traci bobbed her head. “Maybe we’ll just name our little girl Jerry. The name can go both ways.”
Sara pointed at her sister. “No. The agreement is the first grandson will be named after Dad. You can’t go changing the rules just because you’re having a girl.”
Traci huffed as she folded her hands over her bulging belly. “You sound like you’re not happy to have a niece.”
Sara leaned over and rubbed Traci’s belly. “Don’t you listen to Mama, little girl. You know Aunt Sara will be your favorite.” She sat up. “But you know, now Daryl and I will most likely have the first boy.”
“Wait a minute,” Daryl said. “No babies yet.”
Sara shrugged. “At least we know Holden’s not having the first grandson. Doesn’t even have a girlfriend.”
Everyone stopped talking at Sara’s words. Keeping her gaze down, Ava picked up her glass and took a slow drink of tea. She then took a bite of grilled salmon, praying the families would start talking again.
She hadn’t known the Whitaker children had made a deal to name the firstborn grandson after Jerry. She’d named her son after Holden. Her baby could have been Jerry’s namesake, and yet she was glad he shared his own father’s name.
When Daryl asked Mitch what he thought about the Surprise Saguaros upcoming baseball season, Ava breathed a sigh of relief.
“So, how have you been, Ava?” Holden whispered beside her.
She looked down at her plate. Each night she prayed Holden would forgive her and talk to her again, but guilt welled inside her at the question. “I’m fine.”
“Thanks for working on the garden. It looks great.”
“You’re welcome. I just hate that it will mean more work for you, since I’ll be at the clinic during the week.”
He waved a hand. “It’s worth the extra work. Dad needs the fresh veggies.”
She glanced at him, and he smiled at her. The sincerity in his gaze sen
t a shiver through her, and her heartbeat quickened. She cleared her throat. “How have you been?”
He pursed his lips. “Thinking. Praying.”
Ava opened her mouth to apologize again, just as Jerry and Aunt Irene stood up at the end of the table. Jerry looped his arm around her aunt’s. He was continuing to recover well from the stroke, and though he wasn’t working on the ranch, he’d been able to fix odds and ends in the house and do some small jobs in the barn.
He lifted his free hand now. “Irene and I have an announcement to make.”
Sara grabbed Daryl’s hand, while Carl wrapped his arm around Traci’s back. Pleasure laced the expressions of both families, as they assumed the two were about to announce an upcoming wedding. They were blessed that both families appeared eager for the union.
Jerry nodded to her aunt. “You go ahead and tell them.”
Aunt Irene smiled as she dipped her chin and lifted her shoulders like a young teenager telling her family about her new boyfriend. “Jerry and I are getting married.”
Cheers of joy and clapping sounded around the table, and Holden whistled in approval.
Jerry lifted his hand again. “Next Saturday.”
Silence fell over the room. Sara shook her head, then leaned closer. “What?”
Aunt Irene giggled. “We’re getting married on Saturday.”
Traci frowned as she rubbed her belly. “No wedding? Well, okay. We thought...”
“No. We’re having a wedding,” said Aunt Irene.
Ava furrowed her brows. How did her aunt plan to pull this off? There would be so much to do.
“Phoebe’s already agreed to fix food. I already ordered a cake.” She motioned around the room. “’Course, it’ll only be us—” she tapped her lips “—and maybe a few friends, since we’re going to have the wedding here.”
Holden pointed to the table. “Here? We’re having it here?”
“Sure,” said Jerry. “You and I will get the place ready. Clear out the living room furniture. Fix up a few decorations.” He kissed Aunt Irene’s cheek. “She’ll tell us what she wants.”
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