by Mari Carr
“Lauren, I can’t bail on Tris at the last minute like that. He’s got kids.”
“And he had no plans for tonight. He said it was no problem. Said you’d covered for him twice this week so he could go to the twins’ swimming classes. He said he owed you and he was happy to do this.”
Sean was clearly not finished fighting but Lauren’s temper snapped. “I’m making dinner tonight and you’re coming. I’m tired of eating alone! You don’t wanna work things out with Chad, fine, but you better start figuring out a way to fix things with me.”
Sean sighed. “You’re right.” He crossed the room and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. “I’ve been an asshole this week. I’ll come to dinner.”
She reached up and placed her hand against his cheek, hating to see her happy Sean so tired and depressed. She searched her memory, trying to recall ever seeing him like this. He was always so upbeat, positive. The sadness etched on his face was killing her.
A throat clearing at the doorway had both Sean and Lauren turning. She saw Chad fully dressed, his backpack slung over his shoulder. “I’m heading out. Gonna hit the library.” They usually carpooled to campus but this week Chad had found lots of reasons for taking his own car. Lauren hadn’t seen him outside the classes they were both enrolled in.
“Library? Oh, I could use a bit of time there myself.” One down, one to go, Lauren thought. This was the first time both men had been in the same room together since Sunday and the tension was so thick, it was stifling.
“Um, actually, I need to take my own car. I’m checking out a couple apartments near campus today too,” he explained.
“What?” she asked. She could see how much his words were hurting Sean, who turned away from them under the pretense of pouring more coffee in the already full cup.
“I’ve been in the way ever since you guys bought this place. Nothing but a third wheel. I think it’s better if I find my own apartment.”
“So that’s it? That’s how you’re gonna let this play out?” Her voice betrayed her anger, her pain. Chad was running, giving up without even the slightest fight.
“Lauren, please.” Chad’s voice was quiet, the sound one of absolute defeat.
She scrambled for something she could say to change his mind. She grasped at the only straw she had left, knowing it was a weak one at best. “You’re just gonna run away? We made a deal. Three Sundays.”
Chad shrugged. “We only had one more to go. If you two wanna continue the research, go for it. You don’t need me. It’s not like we were very successful with that whole Dom/sub routine. Too much other shit in the way.”
“The deal was all three of us, and we’re just exploring, finding our way.” She glanced over at Sean, desperately wishing he’d say something, anything.
“So I’m breaking the deal,” Chad said.
She started to walk over to him but he raised his hand, stopped her.
She paused mid-step. “Dinner tonight.”
Chad looked puzzled. “What?”
“I’m making a special dinner tonight and I expect you to be here.”
Chad started to shake his head but she wasn’t taking no for an answer. “Think of it as your farewell dinner. We’ve been friends too long to let this end so badly. If friends are all we can be then let’s at least start rebuilding that part of the relationship.”
Her words seemed to reach him. “Just dinner?” he asked.
“Of course.”
Chad shrugged and nodded once. “Fine.” He turned and walked out. Lauren fought the instinct to follow him but this wasn’t her battle. It was Sean’s.
“How long are you pulling this silent routine with him?” she asked.
“Got nothing to say.” Sean’s short response sent her into orbit.
“We opened fucking Pandora’s box, Sean! It’s a little late to close the lid. I would think you’d have a hell of a lot to say.”
Sean walked past her and headed for the living room. She refused to let another lover walk away from her this morning, so she followed him. Sean dropped down on the couch wearily. “You heard him, Lauren. He wants to move out. We tried. We failed. End of story.”
“That’s not what I heard. He’s confused. He thinks he’s a third wheel. You know that’s not true. We need to talk about it.”
“No, Lauren, we need to leave it alone. You’re right. We opened a wound. It’s time to stop pouring salt in it. Time to let it heal.”
She shook her head. “No. If we let it heal this way, we’re gonna end up with a big fat ugly scar. Remaining quiet is a mistake. You two have already let too much time pass without talking. You both need to sit down, say what’s in your heart and—”
“Goddamn it!” Sean yelled. “I’m not in the mood for any of your psychoanalysis bullshit. We took a chance and ended up waking something that was better left asleep. It didn’t work, so we’re moving on!”
“No.” She walked over to stand in front of him. “No, we’re not. You’re not closing your eyes to this anymore, Sean. You’re in love with him. Tell him that. Say it with words.”
“The subject is closed.” He reached over to the end of the couch for the remote and she sighed. He’d shut down. She’d been with him long enough to know no amount of talking would draw him back out.
“Fine.” She sat down on the far end of the couch and tried to put her thoughts into some sort of order that made sense while Sean flipped mindlessly through the channels. They sat in silence for nearly half an hour, Lauren’s feelings running the gamut from anger to sadness to confusion.
Finally, Sean’s voice broke through the disquieting thoughts. “I’m sorry.”
She looked over at him, saw the pain lingering in his eyes, and her heart broke a little. “You don’t owe me an apology, Sean.”
He closed his eyes for a moment before looking at her once more. “I do. I really do. I didn’t let these Sundays play out in my mind before I jumped in. Typical impulsive instincts took over. I thought I could brazen my way through the whole thing—taking everything I wanted without considering your feelings or Chad’s.”
She scooted closer, wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him toward her. She kissed him lightly on the lips. “I love your dominant side. Love the way you take control and let me just feel, just experience. I know we’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg, but I was sort of hoping the three of us could try some more. Tomorrow’s Sunday.”
“You heard Chad. The Sundays are over.”
She closed her eyes, willed away the tears threatening to spill. The stress of the week had been too much and she was so tired.
“I love you,” he whispered.
She smiled, blinking against the tears forming on her lashes. “I love you too.”
Sean kissed her again, gently at first, but soon it grew hotter, more passionate. When they broke apart, she looked into his eyes and saw the love and adoration she’d always known, always felt from him.
“I’ve always loved you. We can make this work, Lauren. I know we can. We’re great together. The two of us were made for—”
“The two of us?”
Sean closed his eyes and sighed. “Lauren, I—”
She pressed her fingers against his lips. “Talk to him. Please. That’s all I’m asking for. One conversation. No holds barred.”
Sean grasped her wrist and pulled her hand away. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Yes, you do. Tell him how you feel.”
He scowled. “How I feel? Brilliant, Lauren. He fucking knows.”
“How does he know? Have you said it? Have you told him you love him? Told him you want to be with him?”
“He fucking wants to be as far away from me as possible. I disgust him.”
Lauren thought about the kiss Chad and Sean had shared on Sunday. For the briefest of moments, Chad had responded. And, though he’d pulled away, she could see the truth. Even if Sean couldn’t. “No, you don’t.”
He stared at her, refusing to re
ply.
She smiled sadly. “I never pegged you for a quitter.”
His jaw set, his lips pressed firmly closed.
Fine, she thought. She could give anyone a run for their money on stubbornness. “If you give up on this, Sean…things will change. Everything will change. You know that, right?”
He rubbed his eyes and she struggled to swallow over the lump in her throat as she saw the pain, the confusion in his face. “Please just let this go, Lauren.”
“You said yourself this would never work without Chad. We’ve been living a half-life for the past two years. Without Chad, we—”
Sean interrupted her. “We can make it work, Lauren. I know we can.”
She rose slowly. Though it killed her to speak the words, she forced them into the open. “I’m sorry, Sean. Looks like tonight will be a farewell dinner in more ways than one.”
* * * * *
Dinner was a quiet, awkward affair. Sean had intended to bail, to scarf down a sandwich alone in the living room, but Lauren had different plans. She’d made vegetable lasagna, Chad’s favorite dinner, and a pan of homemade chocolate chip cookies, Sean’s favorite dessert. Clearly she was banking on the old “food is the way to a man’s heart” saying. He hated to disappoint her, but he wasn’t falling for it. Not even a chocolate chip cookie was forcing him into a conversation with Chad. That boat had sailed. Twice.
He shoveled in mouthful after mouthful, his plate nearly empty when she kicked him under the table. He looked up to find her scowling at him.
“Slow down, Sean, or you’ll choke.” The hidden message in her tone of voice said she’d choke him if the lasagna didn’t.
Chad kept his head down, his face impassive, and Sean felt his temper spark. Asshole never felt a fucking emotion. Only Chad could sit there, calm as you please, while every nerve in Sean’s body was on red alert. His head was pounding, his stomach rumbling. His leg was bouncing a mile a minute under the table, betraying his nervousness.
He scooped up the last bite and put his fork down, the metal clanging louder on the plate than he’d intended. “I’m heading out.”
“No,” Lauren said.
Sean narrowed his eyes. He was treading a fine line here. While he didn’t want to do anything to hurt his relationship with her, he couldn’t stay in this room. It was clear Chad wasn’t having a problem with bailing on them, so why should he stick around to hash out a bunch of shit that was better left unsaid? “Lauren—”
When she looked at him, he saw the tears in her eyes and he felt like a world-class shithead. Obviously dinner hadn’t just been hard for him.
“Please don’t leave things like this. You and Chad need to talk. You’ve been friends too long and you owe it to each other to hear what needs to be said.”
Chad looked at him and then at Lauren. “I think this may be one of those instances when time and distance heals, Lauren. Sean and I are fine. We’ve had disagreements in the past and they always just sort of worked themselves out. This too shall pass.”
Lauren nodded. “Is that right? Tell him your topic for the project in Human Sexuality class, Chad.”
Chad shot her a dirty look, but she didn’t give his friend a chance to refuse. “Tell him.”
“It’s a stupid project. I told you. I’m Googling the fucking thing, making up a bunch of shit and moving on.”
Sean’s curiosity was piqued. “What’s your topic? You never said.”
Chad looked away when he spoke, a sure sign he didn’t want to say more. “It’s nothing.”
“Tell him,” Lauren demanded. “Tell him or I will.”
“Seriously, man,” Sean prodded. “What did you get? Sadomasochism, transvestites, foot fetishes?”
Chad shook his head then his gaze landed on Sean’s and held. “Homosexuality.”
“Homosexuality?”
Chad laughed mirthlessly. “Gotta love the irony in that, right?”
Sean felt frozen in place, his body and mind numb. Lauren had set them up good. She was forcing the issue. Refusing to let him escape his feelings. “Irony?” he asked stupidly.
Lauren rose and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” Sean asked.
“Riley invited me to go to the movies. I’m just a third wheel here.” Sean saw Chad wince as she repeated his sentiment from this morning.
“No, you’re not,” Chad said.
Lauren turned and smiled sadly. “Settle this. Figure it out. Make it right so I can come home. So we can all come home.”
Sean watched her leave, wondering how everything could have gotten so convoluted and fucked up. As the front door slammed, he looked at Chad.
“She doesn’t get it,” Chad said. “It’s like I said. We’re cool. Right?”
Sean stared at him in disbelief.
“Fuck,” Chad said, walking toward the living room. Sean could tell his friend wanted to leave, but he knew the look on Lauren’s face just before she left was stopping both of them. Neither of them would hurt her by walking out and avoiding this conversation. Sean felt as if he owed it to her to try. Apparently Chad did too. He followed Chad to the living room.
“What the fuck does she expect us to do?” Chad asked. “Shake hands, say all’s forgiven?”
Chad clenched his fists and Sean wondered if he’d throw another punch. He was feeling the same need himself, the desire to hurt someone as much as he was hurting. He took a step closer, his move antagonistic. A fight actually might go a lot further than words.
Chad took a step closer too, though his face was still impassive. Sean felt the need to provoke some sort of response from his annoyingly stoic friend.
Sean looked at him, his voice louder than he’d intended. “Can we please stop ignoring the elephant in the corner of the room?”
Chad looked around the room exaggeratedly. “I don’t see any elephant.” His voice was belligerent, angry, taunting.
“Bullshit!” Sean yelled. “That’s fucking bullshit, Chad, and you know it.”
Chad’s eyes narrowed. “You know what? You’re right. We’ve been living with this monkey on our backs since senior year in high school. Maybe it’s time to hash out all the ancient history.”
Sean moved closer, until he could feel Chad’s hot breath in his face. They were practically nose to nose, each of them daring the other to take the first swing.
“You kissed me,” Chad said, his words accusing.
Sean nodded. “You kissed me back.”
Chad shook his head, tried to deny it, but his eyes betrayed the truth. “I’m in love with Lauren.”
“So am I.” Sean watched Chad process his quick response. “How I feel about her has nothing to do with my feelings for you.”
“What are you looking for, Sean? What do you think is going to happen in this little threesome scenario? What’s your goal?”
“I want to share Lauren with you and I want to share you with her.” Sean took a step away, his anger fading, quickly replaced by the anguish that had dogged his heels all week.
Sean walked to the couch. Sank down onto the cushions. “I fucked up again. You would think after high school I would have gotten the message.”
He closed his eyes. It was easier than looking at his best friend since childhood, easier than remembering…
They’d stayed after to help their PE teacher put away some equipment. By the time they’d returned to the locker room to change out of their shorts and T-shirts and back into their street clothes, they were the only students left. The last bell for the day had rung nearly twenty minutes earlier, but as they both drove to school, catching a bus wasn’t an issue.
They were wrestling around the way guys do. Playful punches, trash talk about who kicked whose ass on the basketball court. Chad had simply reached behind Sean, reached for the jeans that were hanging in his locker. The movement had left them in close proximity, but they were best friends, buds, the personal space between them had shrunk over the years as their friendsh
ip had grown.
Sean leaned forward and kissed him on the jaw, just below Chad’s lips. Just a quick, brushing glance.
For a second, Chad had been stunned. He’d stood motionless, his face so close Sean could smell the Gatorade he’d drunk on his breath. Sean stood there—his emotions a perfect mixture of hope and fear.
They studied each other for a moment, the briefest of seconds, and then Chad acted on pure instinct.
He raised his fist and punched. Hit him in the face with more force than Sean had ever felt in his life.
Sean’s reaction wasn’t defensive. He knew that. When he returned the punch, it wasn’t delivered as a means of protection. Anger was fueling it. And then all hell broke loose. It had taken two PE teachers to pull them apart. After which, they’d sat in the principal’s office waiting for the standard calls home to their parents.
The entire time Sean waited, all he could think about was the kiss. He had kissed Chad. And Chad had hit him.
He and Chad didn’t speak to each other for days after the incident. Then, one day, they just started talking. Started hanging out like they always did and life went on. Neither of them ever mentioned the fight again…or the kiss.
Until now.
“Sean…” Chad started, but his voice faltered.
“Forget it. Let’s fall back and punt. Do the usual. Just ignore it and it goes away. If you don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist, right?”
“You’re not gay.”
Sean laughed mirthlessly. “Of course I am. Jesus, Chad. All these years you’ve been my best friend? Look at me. Take off the fucking blinders and look at me.”
Chad swallowed heavily. “I’m not gay.”
Sean leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees. He held Chad’s gaze, refusing to look away. “Are you sure?”
Chad reacted to the question like he’d just been shot. He staggered over to the recliner and sat heavily. Sean expected an instant denial, so Chad’s sudden silence surprised him. Was he actually considering the question? Sean’s mind drifted to the kiss they’d shared last week. Chad had moved toward him—not the other way around. And for the briefest of moments, his lips had been soft, inviting.