by Jim Benton
like some kind of executioner, and she made a
big production of sloooowly putting her little
notebook on the table and looking at us over her
glasses.
“I suppose you two know what I have in this
little notebook,” she said in a low, sinister tone
of voice.
“Our dares?” Angeline said.
“Indeed,” Isabella confirmed. It was probably
the first time she had ever used that word. “But
first, a formality. DARE or WORSE DARE?”
she asked.
128
“Dare,” we said in unison.
“Are you sure?” she said. “The Worse Dares
look pretty good to me. I don’t want to give
anything away, but one of them involves a bucket
of fish heads.”
“Dare,” we repeated.
“Very well,” Isabella said as dramatically as
she could. She opened her notebook.
“As different as the two of you are, you might
find it interesting that my careful thinking has led
me to conclude that the very best dare for you both
is the Exact Same Dare.”
Isabella paused as if she was waiting for
thunder.
“Oh, get on with it,” Angeline said.
“Angeline and Jamie, I dare the two of
you to . . .”
129
“. . . say what the best things are about the
other one!” she proclaimed in a booming voice. She
folded her arms, leaned back, and smiled.
“You’re joking, right?” I said, and Angeline
started to snicker.
“NO JOKE. This is it. You have agreed to
this, and this is the dare you must accept. I’ve
given this a lot of careful thought, Angeline. You’re
sweet, but you know that you’ll never be good at
the things Jamie’s good at, and that’s where your
weakness is. I’ve figured you out, Angeline. Your
flaw is jealousy.”
“You’re right,” Angeline said, “I am jealous.”
And she repeated, word-for-word, what she had
said about me yesterday. And then I did the same.
Isabella’s smile turned into a look of
puzzlement, and then anger.
“Why isn’t this just destroying you???” she
demanded.
We told her about the debate, and how Dicky
already gave this exact same challenge. We had
said it all before.
Isabella kicked over her chair and shook her
fist at the sky.
“DICKY!!!!!!”
130
Turns out that Isabella had been trying
dare ideas on Dicky all along during their debate
practice, without ever telling him what they were
really for. Because Dicky doesn’t have a mean bone
in his body, he just happened to like the sound of
this one, because he figured what could ever
possibly be wrong about saying nice things?
I actually felt a little bad for Isabella. She
just wanted to have one more go at a little game
that she had innocently played as a child with
savage and inhuman cruelty.
I almost let her give me another dare, but I
had heard something about fish heads.
131
Sunday 29
Dear Dumb Diary,
I talked to Isabella today. She was so enraged
yesterday that she made Dicky play Dare or Worse
Dare with her.
She had not had much time to prepare, so she
meanly dared him to wear her monkeyvomit hat all
day. And he did.
He even photographed himself wearing it
with some clown makeup on, and posted it on the
Student Awareness Committee blog as the logo.
It got more than 200 likes, way more than
anything any of us had ever posted.
132
It’s weird: When Dicky made us give each
other compliments, it was to be nice, and when
Isabella made us do the same thing, it was to be
mean. The exact same thing could be nice
and mean at the same time.
Like telling somebody that you love the awful
shirt they made you.
Like letting somebody know the tie they’re
wearing is a nightmare.
Like Angeline and me. We’re nice and mean at
the same time.
Like antibiotics and probiotics.
Things just aren’t black and white.
Life is like a monkeyvomit hat, Dumb Diary.
It can be bad one minute, and good the next, but
most often, it’s probably both at the exact same
time, and you won’t always know which is which.
You can bet on that.
Thanks for listening, Dumb Diary,
133
How Do You REALLY Feel?
Jamie, Angeline, and Isabella each have their own
way of seeing the world. Who are you most like?
Answer the questions below to find out — and be
honest!
1.) What’s your favorite season?
a. Summer! I love warm days. And kind of warm
days. And sunshine. And pool parties. And
lemonade. And . . .
b. The deep, dark freeze of winter.
c. Spring, I guess. (Except for the rain. And
the mud.)
2.) When you play Truth or Dare, you usually choose:
a. Truth — I have nothing to hide!
b. Neither — I’m too busy daring everyone else.
c. Dare — I just prepare myself for the worst.
3.) If your mom made you a super-ugly
monkeyvomit shirt, what would you do?
a. Wear it happily — she put a lot of time and
effort into it!
b. Wear it immediately — to play tackle football
in the mud (and hope that it gets completely
destroyed . . . along with my opponent).
c. Wear it only until I’m out of her sight — as
long as no one else can see me.
4.) You hear that the cafeteria is serving up a new
recipe for lunch. What’s your first thought?
a. Ooh, yummy! I can’t wait to try it!
b. I wonder how many people will get food
poisoning.
c. It can’t be worse than all the other gross stuff
they serve . . . can it?
5.) You have the flu. You can’t help thinking:
a. It’s nice to get some extra rest, and chicken
soup is delicious!
b. There must be a way to strengthen the germs
and then pass them to my mean older
brothers.
c. It figures. I’m missing out on so much while
I’m stuck at home!
6.) What’s your favorite food?
a. Anything sweet!
b. Shish kebobs, fondue . . . anything on a sharp
skewer.
c. Pizza. Unless it has mushrooms. Or too many
gross veggies. Or too much cheese.
7.) A friend leaves a box of chocolates in your
locker. What do you do?
a. Run to find her immediately, give her a big
hug, and thank her 20 times.
b. Test each chocolate for poison (you never
know), and then eat them all at once so I
don’t have to share with anyone.
c. Wonder what she did wrong. Why else would
she give me a gift out of the blue? It seems
> suspicious.
8.) Your dad is planning to wear the world’s ugliest
sweater to have his work portrait taken. What do
you do?
a. Pick out something different, and sweetly
suggest that it would look even better than
the sweater.
b. Let him wear it, and cackle every time you see
the photo.
c. Give him a long speech about how hideously
ugly and awful the sweater is, and how he
should be embarrassed to even own it.
Designed By You!
If Dicky Flartsnutt can design an awesome logo, so
can you! Try your hand at drawing something for
these different organizations:
The Student Awareness Committee
Clown-Haters Anonymous
The Society for Protection Against Those Who Are
Effortlessly Beautiful
Glittermaniacs
The Association for the Appreciation of Koala
Fuzziness
Turn the page for a super- secret sneak peek. . . .
Graphic novels by #1
New York Times
bestselling author
Raina Telgemeier
This is the true story of how Raina
severely injured her two front teeth
when she was in the sixth grade,
and the dental drama—on top of boy
confusion, a major earthquake, and
friends who turn out to be not so
friendly—that followed!
Callie is the set designer for her
middle school’s spring musical, and
is determined to create a set worthy
of Broadway.But between the onstage
AND offstage drama that occurs once
the actors are chosen, it’s going to be
a long way until opening night!
About Jim Benton
Jim Benton is not a middle-school girl, but do
not hold that against him. He has managed to
make a living out of being funny, anyway.
He is the creator of many licensed properties,
some for big kids, some for little kids, and some
for grown-ups who, frankly, are probably behaving
like little kids.
You may already know his properties: It’s
Happy Bunny™ or Catwad™, and of course you
already know about Dear Dumb Diary.
He’s created a kids’ TV series, designed
clothing, and written books.
Jim Benton lives in Michigan with his spectac-
ular wife and kids. They do not have a dog, and
they especially do not have a vengeful beagle.
This is his first series for Scholastic.
Jamie Kelly has no idea that Jim Benton, or
you, or anybody is reading her diaries. So, please,
please, please don’t tell her.