A few of the parishioners nodded, mumbled agreement, and let free a few amens.
“How would we know salvation, if we did not first suffer? How would we know that Jesus entered our hearts, if they were not empty before? Colossians one-fourteen teaches us that it is God in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. It is God alone who purchased our freedom, through our faith in Him. The greatest glory of God is His forgiveness in us, and ours, our faith and thankfulness for all that He provides, including our salvation.”
There were a few more muttered amens before her father continued. “We’re all busy. We lead busy lives. We have families, children, jobs. All things that keep us occupied. Sure, we may remember to say grace at meals, and on Thanksgiving, we thank God for all of our blessings throughout the year, but how often do we forget to give thanks for the greatest gift of all? The gift of salvation. We take for granted that God raised us up with His mighty hand from sin to salvation. That He took us from the cesspools of our sin and gave us everlasting life, for the only way to heaven is through the Eternal. Think of all of the sinners God has reached out to and saved. Think of the robbers, murderers, and con men who He has washed clean of their evil ways, replacing their lust for sinister deeds with the glory of the word of God.
“Leviticus twenty-thirteen teaches us that if a man lies with a man as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. How many of you know a homosexual? I am proud to say that I only knew homosexuals, because through the word, the Almighty came into their lives and cleansed them. Freed them of their sin. Cured them of their unnatural lust and filled them with love.”
Unnatural. The word slid through Sarah’s chest like a knife, cutting deep. She couldn’t breathe. The room was stifling.
“Are you okay?” Tyler whispered beside her. She shook her head and he squeezed her shoulder. “Breathe.”
Somehow, at Tyler’s words, she was able to breathe again, shallowly at first, but she was taking in air. What the hell had just happened to her?
“Adulterers who choose passion over purity…” her father blathered on, but she only heard him in the background. Her head swam with the sensation that had just overtaken her. Unnatural. None of her father’s sermons had ever had such a visceral effect on her. There was something else to it. The thing that caught her breath was the simultaneous vision she’d had of Harper when he’d spoken those words. Words that she’d heard before, but until that moment, they had been as meaningless as a complex equation.
“Are you okay?” Tyler repeated, but she couldn’t look at him. He sounded genuinely concerned, and her distress had been caused by thoughts of his soon-to-be-girlfriend. God, what’s happening to me? She wanted to laugh at the thought of appealing to God here in church about the thoughts she wished she wasn’t having.
She hated that Tyler kissed Harper. It felt like a betrayal. She’d felt so happy when Harper pulled her aside and made her feel special, as if she was the only person at the party who mattered. When Harper put her jacket around her and rubbed her arms for warmth, Sarah had felt it down through to her toes. It was the most amazing and terrifying thing she had ever felt.
“I’m fine,” she whispered, knowing she was anything but.
CHAPTER 7
It was early Sunday afternoon, and Harper woke to her ringtone. She didn’t recognize the number, but it was local.
She picked up. “Hello?”
“Harper? It’s Tyler.”
The excitement in his voice was almost palpable, and her heart sank a little. The resolve she’d created on Friday night to go out with him was failing her. She’d spent Saturday wondering if he would call, half of her hoping that he would so that she could get on with her plan, and the other half immensely relieved not to have to go through with it.
“Hey, how’s it going?” she asked.
“Good, you?”
“Well, thanks.”
“Good,” he repeated. “So, what are you up to today?”
Harper panicked. Was he going to ask her to get together? “I have lots of homework to do. I’ll probably be in all day.” There was a short pause, so she prattled on to fill it. “I have a lot of projects coming up, so I wanted to get started on them. My parents can be really strict about that kind of stuff.” True, her parents expected her to get excellent grades, but when it came to studying and homework, they left her to her own devices. The truth was, they weren’t home often enough to know whether she did her homework or not.
“That sucks. My parents can be pretty strict about some things too. When I’m eighteen, I’m going to do whatever I want.”
“Me too,” Harper said, not really sure what she was agreeing to.
“So, that party was fun.”
“It was.” Both of them were silent for a moment. “Did Sarah have an okay time?”
“I think she did. What do you know about Brent Gardiner? He’s a year older than us, and I saw him talking to her,” he said protectively. Harper empathized with his concern.
“He’s okay. I don’t think they hit it off,” she said, hoping it was true.
“Good.”
“What do you and Sarah usually do on the weekends?” she asked, unable to stop herself from bringing her up again. It was like she just wanted to hear Sarah’s name, and she would say it herself if she had to.
“Well, Sundays we go to church. Just got back, actually. Then I usually meet up with some buddies and play video games or something. Sarah doesn’t go out much. She spends a lot of time in her room drawing and listening to music.”
The image made Harper smile. She relaxed on her back and crossed her legs, getting comfortable on her bed. She flipped her long hair out from under her neck and let it splay around. “What kind of art does she like?”
“She draws a lot of people and things.”
Obviously, Tyler was not an artist. She’d have to push further. “How long has she been drawing for?”
“Her whole life, I guess. She’s really good.”
Harper conjured up the image of a child, a little, blonde Sarah, her hands covered in finger paint. It made her grin. “Is she in one of the art classes at school?”
“Yeah, but the stuff she does on her own is better. You should see some of her sketchbooks. They’re amazing.”
Harper had the urge to pore over Sarah’s sketchbooks for hours. The few drawings she’d seen the afternoon in the alley made her wish she had flipped through more pages.
“So—” Tyler started to ask a question that was sure not to end in something about his sister.
“Has Sarah always kept to herself?” she interrupted.
Tyler let out a long breath. “Yeah, I mean ever since I can remember. We were separated in school in the second grade. The teachers told my parents it would be better for our social development if we weren’t able to stick together, but that didn’t work out so well for Sarah. My parents are really strict, like really strict, especially when it comes to her. When we were kids, she always tried so hard to do what they said, and I think that might be part of why she’s always been shy. It just got worse as we got older. Maybe it’s cause she’s an artist or something. That’s what my parents think, but she’s just different, I guess.”
For the first time, Harper hung on to every one of Tyler’s words. “That’s sad,” she thought aloud. “Are you guys twins? I mean, you’re the same age and in the same grade, right?”
Tyler laughed. “Nothing gets by you.”
“So, when’s your collective birthday?”
“February fourteenth.”
“Valentine’s Day?” Something about Sarah’s birthday being on Valentine’s Day made her face heat up.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Harper, why do you think people at school don’t like her?” The question was so genuine that the small piece of affection she felt for Tyler grew.
“I like her.” Once the words were out of her mouth, her eyes widened
, and she was glad that they were having this conversation over the phone where he couldn’t see her. “I mean, I think she’s okay,” she said, her face becoming hotter. “I mean, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her.” Get off the phone, a voice in her head commanded her, and she was happy someone was taking control. “Oh, I gotta go. My mom’s calling me. Bye.” She hung up, not caring what Tyler thought of her reaction. She had bigger things to worry about.
“I do not like her,” she said aloud and forced a laugh, trying to brush the whole thing off as some preposterous joke.
“Harper, are you off the phone?”
Harper stilled at Bronte’s voice, hoping her sister hadn’t heard her monologue. “Yeah,” she said back.
Bronte opened the door to her bedroom. “I’m heading to Yorkdale with Mara. Wanna come?”
Shopping always took her mind off things. She would get ready, call the girls, and go shopping. And not think about Sarah all day, she added to her list of to-dos.
* * *
Harper put on her best clothes, curled those irresistibly long twists into her hair, and applied her favourite golden eye shadow. She was confident as she rode to school with Bronte, who talked the whole way about how she was back together with Todd, but she did take a moment to tell Harper how sharp she looked in her new pants and shirt. Her confidence grew when she stepped into homeroom. She waited impatiently as all of the students filled their seats. Tyler entered and looked her up and down appreciatively, which registered as annoying in the back of her mind. When the bell rang, panic set in. It’s okay, she’s just late. When fifteen minutes passed, she grew desperate, and risked getting caught passing notes in the front row when she scribbled one down and passed it to Tyler.
What did you do yesterday? Where is your sister?
He took the note and wrote back when Ms Cox turned again to the whiteboard.
I played ball hockey with some friends and saw a movie. Sarah is sick.
He finished the note off with his phone number. “In case you want to call me next time,” he whispered. She already knew his number from her call display, which she had only saved to her favourites because she wanted to be able to avoid his next call. And because it’s Sarah’s number. She’d learned that Sarah didn’t have Facebook when she’d spent a good hour trying to find her profile the night before. Finally, giving up on finding it on her own, she’d searched Tyler’s name. If she friended him then she’d likely have access to Sarah’s profile as well. She hadn’t been sure if she was going to add her, thinking about what the reaction from her friends would be, but that didn’t stop her from wanting to look. Unfortunately, her efforts had been fruitless. She supposed that their parents didn’t let them have social media accounts either, just like their lack of cell phones. Harper’s parents were strict when it came to her grades, but not with things like going out late or staying out overnight. What would it be like to have parents that cared like that?
All the confidence that she had built up rushed out of her. Despite telling herself that she wasn’t going to think about Sarah anymore, that’s exactly what she had done the entire weekend. Even the outfit she was wearing had been picked with the idea of Sarah appreciating it in mind. When she’d tried it on in the store, she pictured Sarah’s reaction. Why else would she ever choose skintight black leather pants, a loose, grunge band, white T-shirt, and a black, in-style vest that hung loosely over it? She had gone through a lot of effort—and a good chunk of her parents’ credit card balance—to put it together.
Harper tried to seem cheerful, but she felt like an idiot for wasting her new clothes on a day when Sarah wasn’t even going to be there for their three classes together. Was Sarah really sick? Was someone at home taking care of her? Did both of her parents work? She actually knew very little about the girl who had occupied the majority of her thoughts lately. She was supposed to be obsessing over boys and classes. That’s not me, she realized. If she wasn’t just like Bronte and Alexis and the rest of her friends—boy-crazy and dying to get down their pants—then what did that make her?
She could remember having crushes on boys in elementary school, but she had run away from them in the schoolyard, and always opted to hang out with Bronte and her older, female friends. Bronte’s friends were so cool and pretty, and she loved the attention that they lavished on her as Bronte’s adorable little sister. She would follow them around, trying to emulate the way they acted and dressed, wanting to impress them in any way she could. That was normal though. Lots of girls idolized older girls.
Unbidden, she remembered a sleepover in the fourth grade. She had stayed at her friend Joanne’s house for her birthday party, and when they all went to bed, Joanne’s sixteen-year-old sister came around and kissed all of the girls goodnight. When Joanne’s sister kissed her forehead, the place her lips had touched burned for long after. She couldn’t even remember her name now, but she remembered having the thought that she would never wash her forehead again. She hadn’t thought anything of the incident at the time, or of the way it had made her feel, but something about it made more sense to her now than any of Bronte’s advice about boys and blowjobs. Tyler’s lips would never be able to do that to her.
“I wish I didn’t have to take Sarah’s homework to her after school. Some of the guys are going to play a game of pick-up,” Tyler said.
Harper’s body buzzed at the opportunity. “I can bring Sarah her homework.” Class was over. Apparently, she’d spent it daydreaming. “I mean, I have more classes with her. We have biology and law together too. If you tell me her other classes, I can stop by and get her work from her teachers.”
“You’d do that for me?” Tyler’s smile was huge, and a knot of guilt tied itself in her stomach, but it wasn’t nearly large enough to overwhelm the slightly frightening knowledge that she would do anything that day to see Sarah. Harper nodded, and Tyler gave her a hug. “Thanks so much. You’re the best.” He gave her an extra squeeze before releasing her.
* * *
Harper sprinted from class to class, gathering up Sarah’s assignments. Tyler had given her his address and suggested a shortcut to save a few minutes, and she practically ran out of her last class, unable to contain her excitement any longer.
“Hey, aren’t we going to have a smoke?” Alexis asked Harper as she rushed by her.
“Oh.” Harper’s shoulders fell. She hadn’t even noticed her. “Yeah, I guess.”
Alexis pulled two cigarettes out of her pocket and lit them both then handed one to Harper. “What are you up to now? Want to go to Yorkdale?”
“I think my parents are going to freak enough when they get my credit card bill,” she said, avoiding Alexis’ first question. She had found Bronte at lunch and told her that she’d gotten stuck taking homework to someone since they had some of the same classes together. When Bronte offered to give her a ride, she said she had to explain some of the assignments to her, and that it might be awhile. That was kind of true. They’d been given a mock courtroom assignment in law, and without Sarah there to choose a partner, Harper had brazenly told the teacher that she would work with her. Aside from garnering a few sidelong looks, this made for the perfect excuse to linger a little longer than just dropping her homework off in case Sarah tried to dismiss her quickly.
“We don’t have to buy anything,” Alexis said. She handed out two more cigarettes when Melissa and Jen joined them.
“I have to go work on an assignment today with a partner anyway.” Harper took a long drag of her cigarette, trying to make it disappear faster.
“Who’s your partner?”
“Sarah Jamieson,” she said levelly through a stream of smoke, and tried to gauge their reactions.
“That sucks.” Alexis laughed.
Harper narrowed her eyes. “She’s not that bad.”
“If you say so,” Alexis said without conviction.
Fucking right. Harper was their leader, and they were unlikely to argue with her over something relatively trivi
al.
“Where are you working on it? If you go to her house, you’ll probably get to see Tyyyyler.” Alexis nudged her, as if she now understood why Harper didn’t seem disappointed in being Sarah’s partner.
Harper allowed herself to grin, letting them think it meant whatever they wanted it to. “Well, gotta go.” She dropped her half-smoked cigarette, and ground it soundly with her boot into the sidewalk.
She used the ten-minute walk to Sarah’s house to try to calm her nerves. She had started to sweat in anticipation, so she slowed even further, hoping it was the exercise that had her heart beating faster. She liberally spritzed herself with strawberry body spray, and popped a piece of peppermint gum into her mouth.
She knocked, and a middle-aged woman appeared. She was shorter than Sarah, but had the same blonde hair and blue eyes. Almost. “Yes?”
“Hi, I’m Harper. I have Sarah’s homework.” She held up her bag as if it were a piece of evidence. “We have a group project to do,” she added. She didn’t want Sarah’s mother to take the work and shoo her out.
“Come in.” She moved aside for Harper to enter. The woman closed the door behind her, and stared at Harper’s feet until she got the hint that she should take her boots off, which she wasn’t thrilled about as they completed her outfit.
“Sarah is upstairs in her room. It’s the one on the right. Why don’t you head up and I’ll bring you girls a snack in a little bit?”
“Thank you, Mrs Jamieson.”
She nodded. “Go on, I’ll be up in a minute. Oh, and tell her to take her medicine. She’s been fighting me on it all day.”
Harper walked up the stairs, but once she was standing outside Sarah’s bedroom door, she froze. What was she doing? Sarah never really seemed all that happy to see her. Why should this time be any different? Her hands were sweating, and she wanted to run away, but Sarah’s mom knew that she was there. She’d even supplied her name to the woman. Harper bit her bottom lip apprehensively and knocked lightly on the door.
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