“Someone has to work in this family. You’re acting like a child.” Her father ran a hand through his head of thick, black hair.
“And you’re acting like this is a trial. Stop lawyering me. I’m your daughter for God’s sake.” She sniffed, determined that she would not cry. “What do I have to do to make you proud of me?” She turned her attention to Bronte. “To make any of you proud of me? All I’ve ever done has been to try to please you. I’ve tried to be everything you wanted. I tried so hard that I forgot that I was supposed to want something too. I didn’t realize that inside of me there was this person who wanted things of her own. I’ve been completely hollowed out by all of this. And I realized that when you strip away everything you’ve made me, there’s practically nothing left. The only thing I have that’s truly mine are my feelings, and you want to take those away from me too. Why can’t I just be enough for you?”
“Stop blaming your sister for your shortcomings.” Her mother resumed her seat. “She’s always looked out for you, been there for you. Even now she’s trying to help you, and you can’t see it. She just wants what’s best for you. You need to be reasonable here. Whatever your feelings are, I’m sure they’ll pass. You want a family, don’t you? To get married? You just need to forget about all this ridiculousness and be practical.”
“Your mother’s right.” Her father loosened the top button of his dress shirt. “We don’t agree with this behaviour of yours, and we expect it to stop immediately.”
“Oh my God, it’s not the eighteenth century. I can still get married or have kids if I want to. Who cares if you disagree with my choices? You’re not me, and who the hell are you to judge my choice of relationship? Look at the two of you. Your marriage is a joke. You’re lucky Bronte and I aren’t complete screw-ups with you two as our example. Everything we’ve done, everything we’ve accomplished, has been no thanks to you. Yeah, Dad, someone had to work around here, but someone was supposed to raise your kids too.”
She turned back to Bronte. “I know you did what you thought was right.” The tears fell this time. “I know you did your best with me, and I’m sorry if I disappointed you. I’m sorry if who I am offends you, but I’m not sorry about how I feel. If you knew her…” Her voice cracked, and she took a moment to compose herself. “If you knew how she made me feel, maybe you’d understand, or maybe you wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter. This is who I am, and if none of you can accept it, then I guess I’m on my own.”
* * *
Harper was in her room, lying on her bed, and listening to music on her headphones. Her parents hadn’t tried to get her for dinner, thank God, and she thought that everyone was asleep. She’d stopped shaking long before she saw the final light in the hallway go off from under her bedroom door. She didn’t care about staying up late, seeing as she didn’t plan to go back to school the following day. She knew that she would have to go back eventually, but if ever a sick day was in order, tomorrow was that day.
When Bronte opened her bedroom door, it startled her. She ripped the earbuds out of her ears and sat up quickly, sitting cross-legged on the bed. “What do you want?”
Bronte closed the door and leaned against it, her arms crossed. “Why are you doing this?”
“Bronte, I’m tired, okay? Just leave me alone.”
“No. Answer me, Harp. Why are you choosing to be this way?”
“You don’t get it. I didn’t choose this.”
“It sure as hell seems like you’re choosing this over everyone you love.”
“You guys aren’t the only people I love anymore.”
“Do you actually think you’re in love with her?”
Harper looked down into her hands. What was the point in lying about any of it now? She met Bronte’s gaze with a confidence that was wavering in her big sister’s presence. “I do. I love her.”
“Why would you choose to love her?”
“What if we don’t have a choice in who we love?”
Bronte tilted her head thoughtfully. She slowly uncrossed her arms and leaned off the door a little. “I want to understand this, but I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong. I keep going over when I could have stopped this.”
“I wouldn’t have wanted you to stop it. Don’t you see? This isn’t a bad thing. All my life, I just wanted to make everybody happy. Now, it’s finally my turn to decide what I want for myself, even if it’s not what you and mom and dad want for me.”
Bronte came forward and took a seat at the edge of Harper’s bed. “That was all pretty insightful for a fifteen-year-old.”
Harper smiled her first genuine smile in weeks. “Well, I’ve had my big sister teaching me things.”
Bronte looked down. “If this is real, then I want to try to understand it. You’re not just my sister, Harp. I always thought of you as my best friend. If your feelings for her are this strong, then maybe…maybe I need to understand them too.”
“What happened to me being disgusting and her being the little pervert who converted me?”
“That’s not fair,” Bronte said reproachfully. “I regret saying that.” She turned away and took a deep breath. “This is hard for me, okay? You know I only want what’s best for you. I know I didn’t handle it well when I found out. We both know that. I was horrible, actually, and I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t told Mom and Dad, but I can’t take that back now.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “The worst part was when I said you weren’t my sister. Of course you’ll always be my sister. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.” She put a hand on Harper’s knee. “I never realized how sad you were. How empty you felt.”
“I’ve just never felt like this was my life.”
Bronte paused and looked out the window before meeting her eyes again. “I can’t help but feel responsible for all of this. I think I’ve taken for granted that you have a mind of your own. I’ve been trying to mould you into this little version of me, and I never once stopped to ask if that’s what you wanted. I did it to protect you, to make sure that you were popular, that no one picked on you, but then when it came down to it, when you actually needed me, I’m the one who picked on you.” She turned away, and Harper was surprised at the tears in her eyes. She hadn’t seen Bronte cry since they were little kids. “I made you feel like who you are isn’t enough. I’ve been trying to make you define yourself by other people. By me. By your friends. By who you dated.” She paused, wiping her eyes.
“I never bothered to tell you that I didn’t like the guys you were picking for me because I didn’t like anyone else either. I just thought if I dated enough of them, I’d start to have the feelings I was supposed to have. But I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything until I met Sarah.”
Bronte nodded, sadly, resolutely. “Yeah.” She forced a laugh. “I can see that. I can see that you actually didn’t need me making your choices for you after all.”
“I know you were just trying to help me. I don’t want you to blame yourself for all of this. I’m the one who let it happen, and I appreciate everything that you just said to me.”
She shook her head. “I let popularity become the most important thing to me. It’s like I created this monster, and then I became its head. That’s not what a big sister is supposed to do. I made you feel like you weren’t enough, Harper. Of course you’re enough, and you’re strong. You’re so strong. It makes me proud.”
Harper’s heart swelled. “Thank you.”
“I should have been there for you.”
“I don’t need anyone anymore. I’m fine on my own.”
Bronte seemed to contemplate that for a moment. “Not even her?”
Harper opened her mouth to argue.
“Listen, I’m glad that you don’t think you need me anymore, but if you think you love her, then it’s okay to want to be with her. Whatever the two of you have, it’s something I certainly haven’t found yet, and it seems like a waste to throw it all away over what other people might think.”
“Try tell
ing her that.”
“What do you mean?”
“You saw her that day in the hall, didn’t you? Where was she when I was being outed in front of the whole school?”
“I…I was kind of distracted actually.”
Harper let out a long sigh, ready to finally share what she’d been holding in for so long. “Sarah thinks I slept with Tyler, which I didn’t, and it doesn’t even matter because she’s too afraid to admit what we are, what we had. She’s ashamed of me, Bronte.” Her eyes filled with tears again. She turned away and wiped furiously at them.
She’d always wanted the best for Sarah. She wanted to bring Sarah out of her shell, wanted her to feel like someone was in her corner, wanted her to feel like she could be anything she wanted, but Sarah had to want those things too. There was only so much she could do if Sarah wasn’t willing to fight for herself. For them.
Bronte pulled her into a hug. “You really love her.” It wasn’t a question.
“What if I don’t want to love her anymore?”
“What if we don’t have a choice in who we love?” Bronte repeated her words, and Harper let out a small laugh through her tears.
“She broke my heart.” Harper pulled out of the hug. “I think…I think there’s a danger in loving someone as much as I love Sarah.”
“Are you willing to go back to the way things were before her?”
“No.” She shook her head. “God, why does it all have to be so complicated?”
“If all of this has taught me anything, I think it’s that it’s only complicated when you’re not true to your feelings.” Bronte reached forward and tucked a piece of Harper’s hair behind her ear. “I learned that from you. You’re my sister. I love you, and I will stand by you no matter what you choose to do with your life. I’m sorry that I made you doubt that, but I mean it. You’re not alone, Harper.” She stood up and went to the door, turning back before she twisted the handle. “Just remember, if we only get one chance at happiness, you have to decide what you’re willing to live with, and what you can live without.”
CHAPTER 26
Sarah took deep breaths. Of all the things she’d ever had to face in her life, this was the most terrifying. She’d been standing outside, just down the block from Harper’s house, waiting for her to get home for over an hour. Harper hadn’t been at school that day, and when she knocked on the door of her house, no one answered, so she’d waited. Harper had to come home eventually.
When Bronte and Harper pulled into the driveway, her heart clenched. This was it. This was where she put everything on the line. The importance of the moment hung heavily around her. Whatever happened now would have a greater impact on her life than anything that had come before.
Harper opened her car door first, and Sarah took one last moment to steady her breathing. By the time she reached the car, Bronte was getting out as well. The sound of the car doors closing seemed so much louder than it ever had before. They began to ascend the stairs before she found her voice.
“Harper?”
Harper turned around slowly, confusion in her eyes. Sarah swallowed. This was it. In her life, there was only this moment.
“Can we talk?”
Harper looked at Bronte, who was examining Sarah with suspicion. After what felt like hours, Bronte nodded, went inside the house, and closed the door behind her. Harper took a tentative step back down the stairs and slowly made her way over to Sarah on the lawn, and Sarah felt the impact of every step deep in her chest.
“Harper.” It felt so good just to say her name. “I know that I don’t deserve it, but will you hear me out?”
Harper looked at her quizzically, and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Okay.”
Harper had changed somewhere deep inside, and although she had those same captivating emerald eyes, a different sea raged behind them from the calm waters she had drowned in months ago.
This was it then. This was where it was going to happen, on Harper’s lawn, out in the open. In the distance, someone’s sprinkler went off, and birds chirped in the tree above them. It was spring, and new life had started to grow. She only hoped the same renaissance could be breathed into them.
“I don’t really know how to start. There’s so much I want to say, and I’m worried that I’ll forget some of it, and other parts I’m scared I won’t be able to say, but I want to. I want to tell you exactly what I’m feeling. You deserve so much more than these words, but right now, they’re all I have to give you.” She took a deep breath. “For so long, I didn’t want anyone to know my secrets. I didn’t think that anyone would understand my feelings for you. At first, I didn’t even understand them, and I let that fear get the better of me.
“When I realized what this was, part of me was afraid of people finding out about me, and the other part was afraid that once people found out, that you’d realize what a mistake you’d made in choosing me. I still can’t believe that someone as amazing as you could fall for me. I thought that you would turn on me when you saw what everyone else saw, and I couldn’t stand the thought of that. I couldn’t stand the thought of you leaving me, so I made it easier on myself, and I told myself that I couldn’t be with you for so many other reasons. I’ve made peace with those reasons now. With my fears.” She thought back to her conversation with Ms Cox, to seeing Harper that day in the hallway at school. “Now I know what it must have been like for you, seeing the way I was treated at school. That day in the hallway with Bronte…” Her voice cracked, but she swallowed it down. “I hated seeing you get hurt like that.”
“You think I care what people at school say?” Harper asked. “What people say can only hurt you if you let it. What hurt me was you not being able to stand there with me. You’re the only one who can hurt me.” Harper took a step toward her, her eyes misty, a mix of conviction and tears. “I loved you, Sarah. I loved you with all I had, and I still lost you.” A few tears fell from the sides of her eyes, and the pain of every word sliced into Sarah’s heart. Harper had loved her. “How could you quit me so quickly? I know you thought I slept with Tyler, but I didn’t. I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone touching me after you.”
“I was so scared, Harper. I was afraid of how much you meant to me. You can’t imagine what it was like for me. I had never really had anything in my life that was mine, and suddenly I had the most amazing thing in the world in my hands. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings. I was so terrified the entire time of it ending. It became a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
“I was so concerned with what other people might say, I wasn’t listening to you, or to myself. I was afraid that, if I admitted how much I cared about you, then you would be taken away from me.” Her own tears spilled over. “I’m so sorry for ruining things. I’m sorry for not being there for you. I’m sorry for listening to lies instead of believing you. I know you were never unfaithful. I’m the one who hurt you, and I’ll be sorry for as long as I live for the things I did, and even more so for the things I didn’t do, that I should have done.” She swallowed. “I should have told you that I loved you. I should have been brave enough to be with you, but I was never as strong as you are. When you stood up to your sister that day, when you stood up to everyone… I didn’t know you were that strong.”
Harper wiped her tears away. “Neither did I.” Her words were accompanied by a sad little smile. “I learned a lot about myself that day. I learned a lot about myself this year. You showed me so many things about myself that I didn’t know, and I’ve learned more since losing you. When everything you think you know gets stripped away, you’re kind of forced to take stock of yourself, and really see what you’re made of.
“Do you remember when we first met, and I told you that I didn’t know who I was? I didn’t, not then, but I do now, and I know what I want. I don’t want to be defined by other people’s opinions and expectations of me. I don’t want to sit by and watch what happened to me happen to anyone else. It’s not right that people should be afraid o
f who they are. That I was afraid to be who I am.” She paused. “We never really talked much about what we were doing, about what we were, and what it all meant. We just kind of let things happen. When things ended between us, I finally admitted to myself what I was. I guess it took us being apart to realize that it wasn’t just you who made me what people were calling me. It’s who I am, and I didn’t want to hide it anymore.
“I’d spent my whole life pretending to be someone else, and it felt good to finally be myself, even if it’s someone people might not like as much. I know that being gay might mean that I’ll have a few more problems in life, but I’m okay with that, because that’s part of who I am, and I wouldn’t change it.”
God, this was the hardest conversation Sarah had ever had. Harper was so strong, and she owed it to her to try to exhibit even half her strength. “I thought I had to hide it. You know the way I was raised, the way my parents are with all their teachings. I didn’t realize at first that what we were doing had a label, or if I did, I didn’t want to admit it. I was afraid of being any more different, any more hated, than I already was.”
“Oh, Sarah.”
“I didn’t really want to put a name on what we had,” she continued. “On what we were, but I knew that other people would, and I couldn’t admit to myself what I was. I was scared to be honest with myself then, but I have been now.”
Harper lifted an eyebrow. “So you’re…”
“Gay?” The corner of Sarah’s lips turned up in a smile. It was the first time she said it out loud, and to her surprise, it felt good. “Of all people, I thought you would know that.”
Harper’s cheeks coloured.
“I know what I am, and I know what I want.”
“And what do you want?” Harper’s voice caught.
“Isn’t it obvious?”
Harper looked away. “Why couldn’t you have realized this before? Why wasn’t I enough for you?”
The Space Between Page 27