Redemption: Darkness Falls

by Ivory Quinn

  It was a surprise to see him in jeans. She was so used to seeing him in smart trousers and shirts that the soft worn denim and cashmere sweater he pulled on made him seem almost like a different person.

  They drove to the church in contemplative silence. Coming down from her adrenaline rush, Noelle was starting to feel uncomfortable about what had happened. Deep inside was a small voice shrieking at her that she was a monster. It didn’t matter that Thomas had asked for it. That wasn’t a sane or normal thing to do. She just couldn’t reconcile her actions with the mental image of him coming everywhere.

  “Don’t dwell on it.” Blue said quietly as they pulled into the car park at the church. “It happened and it’s okay.”

  “That’s the part I’m struggling with.” Climbing out of the car, she pulled her cardigan tighter around her. Despite being late summer, it was a cool night and the breeze was picking up. “It’s not okay. How can what I did be okay?”

  “Giving someone what they need is always okay.” He locked the car and walked around to her side, putting an arm around her shoulders. “You need to leave behind these rigid confines of right and wrong, Red. You have to live by your heart and soul, not your head.”

  “That’s not going to happen overnight, Blue. And don’t call me Red in here. My name’s Noelle.”

  “Of course, sorry.” He squeezed her briefly to let her know he’d remember.

  Jax was waiting at the door for them and he didn’t look happy at the arm that Blue had around her. “How was your day?” He asked Noelle, ignoring the giant standing beside her.

  “Difficult.” Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. Pulling away from Blue’s warmth, she threw herself into Jax’s arms, desperate for the comfort that only he seemed able to give. Blue let her go, exchanging a long look with Jax over her head, full of unspoken words.

  Other churchgoers were arriving and Jax rocked Noelle gently. “We need to go in.” He murmured into her hair. “People are staring.”

  “Okay.” She took a deep breath, standing up straight and trying to get her act together.

  Pastor James was standing just inside the door greeting his flock and his face lit up with a bright smile when Noelle and Jax entered. There was a flicker of confusion when he saw Blue with them, but he smiled and welcomed him also, catching a few brief words before they moved on to find somewhere to sit.

  Noelle was painfully aware of people in the congregation staring at them. They had to make an extraordinary picture – Jax being tall, blond and slim, with his wild child good looks; Blue with his massive build, bronze skin and the hair that gleamed and shimmered like petroleum iridescence; and Noelle, tiny between them.

  They took a seat halfway up the church, trying to ignore the curious onlookers. “Do they always stare like this?” Blue murmured quietly, sliding in next to Noelle.

  “Not usually.” She glanced around uneasily. “Normally I come on my own though.” It had been awkward at first. After the news had broken, there were members of the congregation that had not appreciated her presence. Gabriel had been a member of the church for years and a lot of them were shocked and saddened at the exposure after his suicide, especially since someone at the Police had leaked details of the playroom at his house. Where they couldn’t glean the salacious details from the leaked statements, the tabloids had just made them up. Dragging his name through the mud had done wonders for his global megastar status. The Darkness Falls albums had all rocketed back into the charts. But for Noelle, left behind, it had been an uncomfortable few months.

  Pastor James had made a point of extending the hand of friendship to her and that had settled it slightly, especially when Jax had started coming with her. He and Gabriel had grown up together so he was familiar to a lot of members of the congregation. But now...even in his street clothes Blue was a strikingly handsome and charismatic man. She could see them all looking at her and wondering.

  “Just ignore them.” Jax took her hand and glared at a couple of people, who quickly turned around. “If you need him here, you need him.”

  Grateful for his understanding, she leaned her head against his shoulder. She wasn’t sure if she needed Blue here, but he’d been determined to stay and she trusted his judgement. She didn’t want to have a meltdown in front of all of these people when her actions finally caught up with her.

  There was a bright flash and she flinched, her head jerking up as she tried to see where it was coming from. A teenage girl three rows in front of them was being berated by her parents, but she kept glancing back at Jax with an adoring expression on her face.

  “Did she just take a photograph of us?” Blue stared at the girl, his jaw clenching in anger.

  “Just ignore it.” Jax said quietly. “It happens a lot.”

  “But in church?” Blue turned to him. “That’s not cool, Jax, and you know it.”

  “Her parents are dealing with her.” Jax pointed out. “I’m not going to make a scene. It’s not worth it.”

  “He’s right, Blue.” Noelle took his hand and settled it in her lap, wrapping both her hands around it. “If we go over there and kick off it’ll just make it all worse.”

  “And what happens when that picture ends up on the internet and someone recognises me?” Blue demanded. “In certain circles my face is pretty well known.”

  “Blue, I’m Jax Wilding, lead guitarist for Darkness Falls.” Jax grinned, amused despite himself. “I don’t think my reputation can be harmed by hanging out with you. I’m the right hand of the Darkness himself.”

  “And I’m the Jezebel that stole his soul.” Noelle tried to keep the bitterness from her voice. “My reputation has already been about as trashed as it’s going to get, Blue. Seriously, don’t worry about it.” She forced a smile. “It’s not like the world doesn’t already know I’m into kinky sex.”

  “Whatever.” Shaking his head, Blue relaxed into the seat and waited for the service to start.

  Afterwards, Jax took the car up to the rectory while Noelle said goodbye to Blue.

  “I’ll come and get you around ten.” He pulled her into a hug. “I put my number in your phone while you were in the shower. If you drop, call me. Doesn’t matter what time it is.”

  “Thanks.” She hugged him back and watched as he got into his car and drove away.

  “Noelle.”

  Startled, she turned to find Pastor James right behind her. “Father.” She greeted warmly, smiling. “Jax has just taken the car round. I thought I’d walk.”

  “Do you mind if I accompany you?” He smiled. “The church is locked up and I walked here.”

  “Not at all.” They fell into step, side by side. The path to the Rectory was shaded by trees and it was a cool night. Noelle was glad of the fresh air though. Breathing deeply seemed to clear her head a little bit.

  “You don’t seem as buoyant today, if you don’t mind me saying.” Pastor James broke the silence. “You seemed so cheerful yesterday.”

  “This new...counselling I’m doing...it’s intense.” She wasn’t sure how to explain what she was feeling. “It’s one of those situations where you have to really look at yourself under a glaring light and I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”

  “God does not set us trials He thinks we cannot pass.” The pastor took her arm.

  “On some level I want to accept that, but I still doubt my faith every day.” She admitted.

  “As do I.” He shrugged. “It’s natural. In the end, that’s what faith really is – having doubts but believing anyway.”

  “I used to think I was a good person.” Her eyes prickled and she looked up at the leafy branches overhead, willing her tears not to fall. “Now I know I’m not. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with.”

  “Why do you think you aren’t a good person?” He questioned gently and she sucked in a breath through the pain in her chest.

  “I’m so angry all the time. I’m angry at my parents and angry at Gabriel for making me the person that I am. I’m angry
with myself for my weaknesses and stupidity. I’m angry with God. I’m angry at all these people that judge me without knowing a thing about me. I feel like all this rage is bubbling up underneath the surface and it wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so comforting. It makes it hurt less if I wrap it around myself. I want to blame everyone else for what’s happened to me, even though I know I can’t.”

  “Rage is part of the grieving process.” He said evenly. “It’s natural to feel it and it’s natural to want to apportion blame. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you human.”

  “It makes me a bad person when it leads to wickedness.” She shivered. “Father, I hurt someone today because he asked me to and it felt so good to just unleash it for a few moments. If that isn’t evil at work, I don’t know what is.”

  “How can it be evil if he asked you to do it to him?”

  “It’s like taking advantage of someone disabled.” Her voice had risen and she tried to calm it down. “The fact that he asked for it doesn’t make it right.”

  “If he knew what he was asking, with the full knowledge of what was about to happen, and he was of sound mind to make that judgement call, I don’t see that it’s evil.” He disagreed mildly. “You always judge yourself so harshly, Noelle. I wish you could see in yourself what the rest of us see in you.”

  “I spoke with Jax.” She blurted out, his words leading her thoughts down a different path. “I didn’t know he was in love with me. I feel so stupid and selfish. And guilty. It feels like only yesterday that we found out Gabriel was gone.”

  “The thing about death is that it reminds us of the value of life.” He patted her arm. “Losing Gabriel was a terrible and painful thing, but it put a lot of things in perspective. We have so much to be grateful for and life is just too short to waste it by not grabbing at the opportunities that come our way. I know that you loved Gabriel and that what you had between you was, at times, dark and destructive, but try and think about it logically. If he was watching you from heaven right now, what do you think he would say to you about Jaxon?”

  “That he’s a good man.” The tears spilled over. “That I shouldn’t spend the rest of my life alone and grieving. He would tell me that just because love wasn’t enough to fix us, doesn’t mean it’s not enough to make what Jax and I have work.” She wiped her eyes. “And then he’d get all possessive and moody because he can’t cope with another man touching what’s his.”

  The priest snorted with laughter. “That’s true. He did everything with intensity.”

  “I look back at it now and it was closer to obsession than love.” She confessed. “It was intense, especially in the early days. He just totally overwhelmed me with his need to be absorbed into every facet of my life. He drove me crazy just so he’d be on my mind all day.”

  “In the end you had his heart.” He squeezed her arm. “And really that’s all you can ask for.”

  Chapter thirteen

  Noelle was awoken the next morning by Jax dragging up the back of the vest top she was sleeping in. “What the fuck is this, Noelle?” He demanded, totally freaking out.

  “Wasswot?” She mumbled sleepily.

  “These bruises! What the hell?”

  “Oh that.” She relaxed, ready to drift off again. “It was a wall.” A smile touched her lips as she closed her eyes. “The wall came off worst.”

  “A wall? I don’t...Are those finger marks?” He yanked the duvet down and stared at her hips, where Blue’s hands had gripped her so tightly there were bruises on her skin.

  “I don’t know.” Coming all the way awake, she blinked up at him. “Why are you so angry?”

  “Why am I angry?!” He surged up onto his knees. “Why the fuck do you think I’m angry? Did you sleep with him? Did you let him fuck you up against a wall?”

  “It wasn’t like that.” She rubbed her eyes and pushed up to lean against the headboard.

  “Then tell me what it was like, because right now I’m feeling pretty fucking hurt and confused.” He rocked back on his knees. “How could you do that, Noelle? How could you ask me to wait for you and then go and put out for a complete stranger?”

  “Because...” She started to answer and then stopped to take a breath. “I had a million and one reasons why it had to happen that way. Do you really want to hear them, or are you just going to go mad at me?”

  “Right now I really don’t know.” He answered honestly. “I’m going to go and calm down for a bit.” He pushed off the bed and stormed out of the room, every line of his body screaming betrayal and rage.

  Feeling about two inches tall and miserable with guilt, Noelle got up too and dragged herself into the shower. When she emerged, he still wasn’t back and she checked outside. He’d taken the car and gone for a drive somewhere to clear his head. At a loss as to how to fix it, she did the only thing she could think of and set about making them a full breakfast with pancakes, eggs, bacon and sausages.

  It was more than an hour before she finally heard the car pull up outside and she set out the plates as she waited for him to come in. When he walked in, it was clear he’d been crying and she dropped everything that she was doing and rushed to him, throwing herself into his arms.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Jax.”

  “I know. But you did. It really fucking hurts, but I’m ready to listen.” He squeezed her briefly and then went to sit at the breakfast bar. Thrown off balance, it took her a couple of moments to regain her composure enough to serve the breakfast and then they sat in silence for a while, both trying to decide what to say.

  “Why didn’t you come to me?” He asked eventually and she sighed.

  “At first it was because I didn’t know I needed to and then Cal made me realise that you loved me. I couldn’t do it to you, Jax. I couldn’t ask you to sleep with me just to banish my fears.”

  “Why not?” He looked devastated.

  “Because I’m so messed up.” She admitted. “You’re such a decent and good person...I’m not worthy of you. I’m not sure I’ll ever be worthy of you, however hard I try. I couldn’t give you false hope when I didn’t have anything to offer you.”

  “Why would you even think that’s your decision?” He stared at her, breakfast forgotten. “Noelle, I love you even with your flaws. It’s not about offerings or about measuring worth. I don’t love you for any of those things. I just love you for you.”

  “I didn’t know that then. It was before we talked. And I was so ashamed...” she hung her head. “I was so sure I was going to completely freak out and that I’d burden you with all my issues. You’ve seen me through so much, Jax. I thought it would break your heart if you tried to make love to me and I totally lost it. I had nothing to lose with Blue. I could just walk away. But with you I had everything to lose. I can’t lose you, Jax. You’re the only thing in my life worth having right now. I was too scared to risk it.”

  “After everything we’ve been through, how could you not trust me to deal with it?” He rubbed his chest as though it physically hurt. “Noelle, of all the people in your life I should have been the one to take you through that.”

  “I don’t want you to see me as weak any more!” She blurted out. “I wasn’t thinking straight. I know now that you’d have seen me through it. I trust you with my life. I just...I was so confused and frightened and I didn’t think it was fair to you.”

  “And the wall?” He asked. “I know those bruises weren’t there before yesterday, Noelle. I’d have seen them.”

  “Yesterday Blue took me into the dungeon and let me loose.” She swallowed a sudden bout of nausea that rose at the memory. “I did terrible things, Jax. Terrible things.” She pushed her plate away as the tears began to fall. “I couldn’t control myself. It was like I let all of my darkness out of the box in my head and I wasn’t even myself any more. I tried to calm down, I tried to let it out, but I couldn’t. And I couldn’t bear to bring the filth home to you. I couldn’t bear to taint anything in this home with w
hat I did. I couldn’t bear for you to see me like that, high on the pain and the buzz of hearing someone scream. It was the only way that he could bring me down.”

  “Noelle, this...this need to control is a part of you now.” His voice was agonised with grief. “You’ve got to stop torturing yourself with it. You’ve got to stop assuming that I’ll judge you for the things you do. I knew when I brought you here and told you that I love you that there was a darkness in you. It’s not a taint and it’s already here.” He got up and started pacing around. “Gabriel was the closest thing I had to a brother for almost fifteen years. How could you think that I wouldn’t understand your needs?”

  “I know you understand them. I just didn’t want you to see them because I hate them. I hate that I have to do it. And I love you too much to let you see me like that.”

  “You love me?” He seemed stunned by the revelation.

  “Yes I love you. And that’s why I can’t do this to you.” Wiping her face with already wet hands, she got up to leave.

  “Where are you going?” He demanded, following her into the hallway and catching her arm.

  “I’m going back to my house.” Her chest heaved and shuddered with sobs. “You deserve better. I can’t keep doing this to you.”

  “No, you can’t. But running away isn’t the answer.” He pulled her to him and folded his arms around her. “Running away is never the answer. And I’m pretty damn sure I should get a say in this.”

  “I don’t understand why you still want me.” She pushed futilely at his chest. “I’m just a mess, Jax. I’m a nothing.”

  “Because I love you, damn it!” He roared, startling her into stillness. “I love you and I’m not going to let you walk away just because you don’t know your own worth. You can’t just vote out of my life without giving me a chance to keep my promise. I said I would try and fix you Noelle and I’m trying so damn hard, but you’re fighting me every step of the way.”