“Hey. It’s me. I know you don’t want to talk to me. And you have good reason not to. I just… I’d like to say I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for everything, Katie. You deserve better. I hope Emily is doing all right. Call me if you want. Or don’t. It’s all right.”
The automated voice of my voicemail service asked if I wanted to delete the message. I considered it but ended up saving it. The phone told me the message would be saved for seven days. I replayed it. And then I replayed it again.
I let out a shaky breath and inhaled deeply through my nose. Just like every other day this week, I was going to cry.
I crumbled and covered my face with my hands.
Why was this so hard? I hadn’t even known him that long. We hadn’t told each other we loved each other. We hadn’t gone all in. Why did it feel like I was losing a part of myself?
I wiped at my tears and shook my head at myself. “Get a grip, Katie. You’re tougher than this. Come on.”
He’d sounded so heartbroken on the phone. Like he’d been kicked in the gut over and over and was finally admitting defeat. Maybe he was accepting that we were over.
I raked my fingers through my hair, picked up the phone, and called my mom.
“Hi, sweetheart,” she said, her sunny voice filling the line. “How are you?”
“Mom?”
“What’s wrong?” she asked. Mother’s intuition. From one word, she could sense that something was wrong.
“I just… Can I come over?”
“Of course. I just made cookies. Come on by.”
“I’ll see you in twenty,” I said, and then I hung up the phone.
I hadn’t had the impulse to run to my mother for comfort in a long, long time. Normally, I wanted to hide and keep all my feelings bottled up. Talking about them didn’t usually make me feel better, especially talking about it with my mom. Emily was different. I couldn’t explain it. Not better, just different.
I grabbed my purse and my car keys and hurried outside. I got in the car, cranked the stereo, and drove straight to my mom’s house.
I parked in the driveway and walked up to the porch. Poe was curled up in his usual chair. “Hey, kitty,” I said as I scratched him behind the ears. He meowed at me and arched his back, pushing his backside into the air as if demanding I pay attention to that part inside of his ears. I smiled and obliged. He started purring up a storm.
My mom opened the front door. “I thought I heard your car,” she said. She was smiling at me. It was that considerate, worried, motherly smile she wore when she knew something was wrong. “I’m going to pour myself a glass of milk. Would you like one?”
“Sure,” I said as Poe stood up and ran his chin along the side of my hand.
“I’ll be right out,” my mom said.
I sat down in the chair that wasn’t occupied by a purring feline. I wasn’t allowed to sit alone for long. Poe hopped up into my lap and curled himself up on my legs. He would look up at me any time I stopped petting him, his pupils big and wide, and would only lower his head when I went back to stroking his back.
“You are such a diva,” I told the amber-eyed black cat.
He purred louder, and I chuckled.
Then my mother came back outside with a tray in her hands. She set it on the small table between the two chairs, and I leaned over to peer down at the cookies on the plate. Chocolate chip. My favorite. Simple but delicious.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Of course. They taste better with company anyway.”
I gave Poe a tap on the backside to get him to move along. He meowed once and hopped to the ground where he settled under my mother’s chair.
I enjoyed my first two cookies in silence. My mother ate hers without speaking, too. It was like an unspoken agreement between the two of us. If something was bothering me, she wouldn’t pry for information. She would wait until I was ready to open up. I liked that a lot about our relationship. There was never pressure or expectation. She was eternally patient.
I supposed that might be one of the reasons why she stayed with my jerk of a father all those years.
“I have a dilemma, Mom.”
“It sounds like boy troubles to me.”
“It is,” I said.
She smiled knowingly but didn’t say anything. She took a bite out of her third cookie and washed it down with a sip of milk. “Well, you and I both know I’m no expert when it comes to men. Quite the opposite really. But I’m here to listen and offer advice—if you want it, of course.”
I nodded. Where did I even start? I hadn’t even told my mother I was seeing someone. I licked my lips. “Can I ask you a question first, Mom?”
“Of course, sweetheart. Whatever you need.”
“How did you stay with dad for so long? And why? I’ve never been able to wrap my mind around how you could stand by such a violent person for so long.”
She blinked and looked at her feet. Then she got a hold of herself and sighed. “I made a lot of mistakes in my life, Katie. But that has been, by far, the worst one. I stayed with him because I didn’t think another man could ever love me. And for me, it was easier to stay with someone I was scared of, who hurt me, and who posed a threat to my own child than it was to simply be alone. And now, here I am. Alone.”
“You’re not alone, Mom.”
Her smile was sad. “It’s different. I know I have you. I know I’m not truly alone. And I have learned over the years that this is better than how things were when your father was alive. Bless his soul.”
“If you could go back, would you do things differently?”
She nodded. “Certainly. Not for me, though. For you. When I was caught up in the midst of it, when things were really bad, all I could see was that I was protecting you from him. He never hurt you, thank God, and I thought that was okay. I thought I was doing my job as your mother. But as time has passed and I’ve been able to look back and reflect, I realize how warped my perspective was. I wasn’t helping you. Not at all. I was showing you what I thought I was worth. I was letting you live with a man who scared you. Who you hated. Who you did not shed a tear for when he died. And I hate myself for that.”
“Please,” I said, reaching out and putting my hand on her knee. “Don’t. I’m all right. Everything is all right. We have each other, and he can’t hurt you anymore.”
I hated this. I hated all of it. I hated learning how much guilt my mother carried around with her. I hated discovering that all that time she thought she was doing what was best for me. Would she have left my father if I had never been born?
A chilling thought.
“Why are you asking me these things now, Katie? Has something happened?”
“No,” I said instinctively. Then I frowned and nodded. “Actually, yes.”
“Did someone hurt you?”
“No, but I was worried that he might. I feel like I saw his true colors, and I don’t know what to make of it.”
“Tell me,” my mother said.
So I did. I told her everything. I started from the first time Derek and I spoke in the ER and how things had changed between us over the passing weeks. I told her about our day at the pier, and the yellow rose, and the way he made me feel whenever I was with him. Special. Loved. Protected. Safe.
And then I told her the hard stuff about Emily and Brian and what Derek had done when he found out. My mother sat and listened in rapture, with wide eyes and slightly parted lips. When I was done recounting the events, she leaned back in her chair. “Wow, that’s a lot.”
“I know. And I don’t know what to think. I’m just so afraid that he’s—that he’s like Dad. And I can’t be with someone like that. I can’t let that back into my life. Not after everything I’ve done to keep it away and protect myself.”
My mother pulled her chair closer to mine. The legs squealed on the porch, and Poe shot out from under her chair like he’d been prodded with a hot poker. It made me giggle, which took away some of the tension in my shoulders. My mother
took my hands in hers and looked me in the eyes.
“Katie, this is entirely up to you, but can I tell you something?”
I nodded. “Please.”
“Derek does not sound anything like your father.”
“Really?”
“Really. He sounds like a good man who cares about you. Who wanted to defend you and your friend when someone crossed the line. There is a reason you feel safe with him, sweetheart. You know he’s the kind of man who will always do what he thinks is right, no matter what it costs him. Am I right?”
I sniffled and nodded.
“Then you can’t punish him for following his heart.”
“But you didn’t see,” I said desperately. “You didn’t see what he did to Brian. How badly he hurt him.”
“It doesn’t matter,” my mother said. “Brian is an evil man. He did bad things. He hurt your best friend. If you could have, would you have hurt him?”
I paused. What had I been going to Brian’s house to do? To yell at him? To break things? To tell him how much of a piece of shit he was?
If I’d had my way, I’d have gotten a good kick to his balls in before I left. If I had more strength, more power, wouldn’t I have used it?
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Then you and Derek are the same. By what you’ve told me, he sounds good, Katie. He has faults, yes, but we all do. If you love him, I wouldn’t throw in the towel. You will regret it forever. Believe me.”
31
Derek
Since my detainment at the police station, I’d had to steer clear of the firehouse. Rinehart had told me that it was wise to keep my distance just for a few days and gave me a couple bonus days off that didn’t eat into my vacation. I would have been grateful if I wasn’t so damn miserable all the time.
My ride with Allen had been the only slice of time where I hadn’t been consumed by memories of Katie. Her and I going for our walk on the pier. The two of us gorging ourselves on crepes without shame for our first date. Her body. Her laugh. The way she looked at me whenever I spoke. Like she knew she’d never get that time back, so she was soaking in as much of the moment as she possibly could.
When I woke up the morning of my first day back, I felt a bit lighter. I’d finally have a good distraction to see me through the entire day. It wouldn’t be a total cure, but it was better than nothing. Nothing hadn’t been working.
I went about my morning routine as per usual and arrived at the firehouse ten minutes before my six o’clock start. I wasn’t the first to show for the day.
My entire crew was already in the garage.
I got out of my car and walked up the drive to meet them.
I was greeted with loud cheers, whoops, and hollers that were completely unnecessary, yet satisfying. They all clapped me on the back, and Hayden was especially excited as he squeezed my shoulder and said, “First day back on search and rescue, brother. How does it feel?”
I shrugged. I didn’t have an answer for that question. It felt like a death sentence. Moving from the box and back onto my old shift on search and rescue basically guaranteed that I would never see Katie again. There would be no convenient run-ins with her in the ER as Allen and I brought patients in.
Hayden frowned. “I’ll try to not be offended by your silence.”
Mav snickered beside me. “Have you actually started liking riding in the box?”
“It’s not terrible,” I said.
“Not terrible?” Mav asked, wide eyed. “You were horrified you were being pulled off S and R. Why the sudden change of heart?” He looked back and forth between me and Allen. Then Mav smiled. “Oh, I think I see what’s going on here.”
Allen sighed. “Fuck off.”
Mav laughed harder.
I shrugged out from under Mav and Hayden’s hands on my shoulders. “Maybe it has less to do with Allen and more to do with not having to work with your sorry asses anymore.”
“Oh please.” Hayden rolled his eyes.
Trace shook his head at me. “You love our company. Don’t pretend otherwise.”
I ignored them all and went to the clipboard on the wall. I pulled it down and looked it over. “How long have you all been standing around for? Nobody’s bothered with the inspection yet?”
They all shook their heads.
Trying my best not to roll my eyes, I began walking the slow circuit around Berty, checking off that everything was in order on the clipboard. Once the first truck came out in tip-top shape I moved on to Gerty. Everything was in order, so I signed off on the form and hung it back up for the next team.
The guys had continued to stand around chitchatting while I did my walk. I didn’t mind. It was nice to have a couple moments away from the chaos. I knew they were happy to have me back, and I was glad to be back too, but it was a lot all at once. Too many changes.
Allen walked over to me and slid his hands in his pockets. “I thought you’d be in a better mood this morning. Why are you still so down?”
“I’m not sure how I feel about going back on search and rescue.”
Allen shrugged. “Then do something about it.”
I stared at him. Was it that easy?
He nodded his chin toward the door that led into the firehouse. “Rinehart is in his office.” Allen turned around and walked over to the box.
Screw it. I might as well see if the chief would be open to hearing me out. I ducked inside the firehouse and stopped outside Rinehart’s office.
I hadn’t seen him since the day we all went for lunch at The Glade—since the day I was arrested, to be more specific.
Since he’d broken up with me on Katie’s behalf. How humiliating.
I knocked on his door, and he called for me to come in.
I let myself in and closed the door behind me. Then I sat down in one of his chairs. Rinehart was looking at me when I lifted my eyes to his. Normally, he’d have his head down, finishing up some work. Today, it seemed I had his full attention.
“Good morning, Janson,” he said.
“Morning, Chief.”
“How were your days off?”
“To be honest? Brutal.”
Rinehart nodded and leaned back in his chair. It squeaked. “I suppose that means you haven’t talked with Katie?”
I shook my head.
“Shame. But it’s your business, not mine. What is it you’ve come in to talk to me about?”
“The box, sir.”
Rinehart arched one thick gray eyebrow. “What about it?”
“I’m not sure I want to be pulled off and put back on search and rescue.”
Rinehart leaned forward and stared at me with that impassive expression of his. “Are you saying you’re not sure that’s what you want? Or are you here to tell me what it is you do want? Be concise, Janson.”
“I don’t want to be on search and rescue. I want to stay in the box with Allen.”
Rinehart grinned. He full on grinned. I’d never seen his face contort that way, and at first, it caught me a little off guard. Then he started to chuckle. Well, it was sort of a chuckle. There was a deep rumbling sound from his chest that sort of matched the smile, so I assumed it was a chuckle. “I will not force you back onto search and rescue. Let’s leave you in the box. I’ll pull you and put you with Hayden only for emergency situations. Until Maddox or someone else is trained enough to take your place full time. Does that sound fair?”
“More than fair, sir.”
“Good.”
We stared at each other for a couple seconds. It was awkward. I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say to fill the silence, so I nodded and pushed myself up to my feet.
“Sit down, Derek.”
I paused before sinking back into my seat.
Rinehart pressed his fingertips together and looked at me over top of them. Being studied in such a way by the most intimidating man I knew was unsettling.
I cleared my throat. “Was there something else, sir?”
“I’m proud
of you, Derek.”
The awkwardness tripled in intensity, and I let out a nervous laugh as I rubbed the back of my head. “Thank you, Chief.”
“I mean it. You’ve made serious progress over this last month. I’m not the only one who’s noticed it. I’d like to take all the credit for putting you in the box, but I have a sense my intervention wasn’t as influential as a certain someone with red hair and green eyes.”
Damn him. He’d circled right back to Katie.
Rinehart waited for me to speak.
I rubbed my jaw. “She may have been a factor. Sure.”
“A factor? Give her a bit more credit than that. The girl demanded more of you, and you rose to the occasion. And now, you’ve let her slip through the cracks.”
“I’ve tried reaching out to her, but she hasn’t returned my call.”
“Then do better than a call,” Rinehart said simply.
I sighed.
“Of course, it’s entirely up to you, Derek. I’m not trying to force you into something. But I am trying to help you see that it doesn’t have to be over yet. Katie couldn’t even look me in the eye when she told me she couldn’t be with you. She could barely get the words out. She’s not through with you. But if you let her go, and you don’t fight for her, and you let time and space form between you, she’ll move on. And perhaps so will you. But I don’t think that would be what either of you deserve.”
I was getting a lecture on love from Rinehart. How things had changed. “I didn’t know you were such a romantic, sir.”
Rinehart smirked. “A ‘romantic’ is a stretch. But I’m fully capable of being able to see when two people love each other. And I’m telling you that you’re both fools if you let this end. Now, get out of here before Allen leaves without you.”
I got to my feet and watched my chief as he lowered his head and started sorting through the loose papers on his desk. He glanced up at me. “Unless there’s something else?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Thank you, sir. For everything.”
“Don’t spoil it, Janson. Get out.”
When I closed Rinehart’s door behind me, I was smiling. I made my way down the hall and out into the garage, where all the guys were standing in a circle talking. I walked right by them. None of them said a word as I made a beeline straight to the box, where Allen was sitting in the driver’s seat.
Set the Night on Fire: A Bad Boy Firefighter Novel Page 18