‘They’ll be fine.’
I watched that bend. I watched that bend so hard for the front tip of a canoe, but it didn’t come.
Finally Mandy got us out of the river, helmets and life jackets off, and sent us back along the track.
‘You come with me,’ she said to Tommo, and they climbed into a canoe and paddled off down the river.
We raced back to camp to find Miss Cappelli, Lisa and Chook.
We were gasping for breath as we told them what had happened. Miss Cappelli’s eyes were wide. Chook clutched her arm.
Then a sodden, ghostlike figure shambled round the corner with his life jacket and his helmet. It was Jonah.
There was a great fuss. The teachers were all over him, but he was wet and closed and more non-talking than ever.
‘I fell out,’ he said.
‘What about The Bomb?’
‘He fell out, too.’
‘Where is he?’
Jonah shrugged. ‘I’m going to have a shower.’
Miss Cappelli told me to go with him.
‘I’m fine!’ said Jonah in a cold way. ‘I can look after myself.’
About ten minutes later, a bloke in an old ute turned up with a battered canoe in the back and a half-drowned Cromwell in the front. He looked pretty wobbly. Mr Murphy and Chook went to help him. Kids crowded around.
‘What are you looking at?’ croaked The Bomb. ‘Haven’t you seen a wet person before?’
He hobbled off to his hut.
We were desperate to know what happened.
‘Go and practise your act for the concert,’ said Miss Cappelli sharply. ‘Convicts, you’re in the side room of the hall.’
Jonah turned up a bit later, clean and dry but closed as a tough Tubbut nut.
‘Come on. Whaleman,’ said Mitch, ‘what happened?’
‘I fell out.’
‘Did The Bomb push you?’ said Wormz.
‘I lost balance and fell out.’
‘What happened to The Bomb?’ said Nicko. ‘What happened to him?’
‘The canoe went over. I dunno. He fell out, too. He got a lift back.’
‘Why didn’t you get a lift back with him?’
‘Didn’t want to.’
‘We were scared for you.’
‘Yeah?’
It was maddening. We knew there was more to the story.
‘We’ll drop you off the table onto the step to make you open up, like Meatloaf,’ said Nicko.
‘Come on, Jonah, us Convicts are in this together,’ said Wormz.
‘Aren’t we your friends?’ said Azza.
‘Are you?’ said Jonah. ‘Want to share a canoe?’
I felt very low. leave him alone,’ I said.
We gave up.
Anyway, we had to get our act together.
Concert Practice
The last night of camp is always a fantastic concert.
‘Gladiators!’ goes Mitch.
‘Madonna!’ goes Wormz.
‘X-Files!’ goes Nicko.
I had seen Helmut behind the toilets with something that gave me an idea. ‘Pirates!’ I said. ‘Snarling pirate songs, swigging bottles of rum.’
‘There was Chook, Chook lookin’ pretty crook in the store, in the store, There was Nicko, sicko, get the bucket quicko in the quartermaster’s store.’
We would be the ugliest, loudest, terrifyingest, funniest hook-handed pirates you have ever seen.
Jonah sat there like a sack of potatoes.
I was determined to have a peg leg.
‘Why do pirates have peg legs?’ asked Nicko.
‘Because they get their legs blown off by cannon balls,’ said Mitch.
‘Why don’t they get both legs blown off?’
‘No,’ said Wormz, ‘sharks bite them off.’
‘Why do sharks...?’
‘Shut up or walk the plank!’ said Mitch.
The secret of a good peg leg is one of those giant suction thingies that clears drains and toilets. At home we call it the oompa doompa. You put it on your knee and it looks really real!
‘The search for the hidden treasure of the oompa doompa!’ said Nicko.
We found Helmut, old buddy, dearest, best friend Helmut. First he said he didn’t know what we were talking about.
‘Oh, come on, Helmut,’ said Mitch. ‘Your English is better than ours!’
Then he said he didn’t have one.
‘Helmut, we saw you with one behind the toilets!’
Then he said he didn’t know where it was.
‘Helmut, you keep the tools in the locked cupboard in the blacksmith’s shed.’
Then he said he never let anyone borrow the tools because they never looked after them.
‘Helmut, we will look after it so well. We will wrap it in towels and not let anyone touch it. In fact, we will guard it with our lives, and give it back the second the concert is over.’
Then we said we would fly all his family and uncles and aunts, friends and relations, animals and birds out from Germany for the concert, and give them the best couches in the rec hall, if he would just lend us the oompa doompa.
We followed him around while he dug a drain. After ten minutes he gave in.
‘A pirate went to sea sea sea with an oompa doompa on his knee knee knee.’
Pirate capes were easy: we wore our towels. Nicko had Beauchamp Hotel on his.
We made a parrot by stuffing jocks up Mitch’s red socks, then sticking a coat hanger up it and wiring it onto this fabulous crooked branch we found behind the Settlers’ tent.
‘A pirate went to sea sea sea with a parrot on a tree tree tree.’
We took charcoal from the fire, for drawing on beards and moustaches. Nicko got carried away. He put on too much, then wiped his face on Beauchamp Hotel, then decided it was easier to be totally black. He smeared it on, thick, all over. ‘Ah, me snatches and scratches, I be Black Jack Murzlesmitt.’
‘A pirate went to sea sea sea, as black as he could be be be.’
Still Jonah wasn’t laughing.
Wormz was determined to make Jonah laugh. He went behind the door, then came out with the oompa doompa — stuck on his bum! It was side-splitting! So so funny!
Jonah cracked a grin.
‘Atta boy, Jonah, we knew you could do it!’ said Azza.
Wormz was so pleased he was dancing around with the oompa doompa wobbling off his bum, and tapping a little rhythm on the wall with it.
Then we heard the ship’s bell. Food! Food!! You could be dying, but if dinner was on the table, forget it!!! Everybody dashed out. Wormz was yelling and screaming,’ ’I can’t get it off!’ The oompa doompa was steadfastly suctioned onto his bum!
Jonah and I went for help.
‘It has to be a man!’ yelled Wormz.
‘Helmut! Helmut! Come quick. Wormz’s got a problem!’
When we got back, Wormz had bolted the door.
‘Who’s there?’ called the miserable voice of Wormz.
‘It’s us and Helmut.’
He undid the lock and let us in.
Helmut laughed until he went floppy. He nearly split his purple overalls. This is the best act I have ever seen!’
He gave the oompa doompa a hard pull, just like we’d all been doing.
‘Oooowww!’ yelled Wormz.
‘We must break the suction,’ he said. ‘Last week we had a kid with his finger caught in a Coke bottle.’
After dinner we had an hour to get ready.
Mitch spent ages in front of the mirror, drawing tatts on his arms, with a couple of biros. One said ‘Death or Golry’, but it still looked ace. When he leaves school, he can easily get a job doing tatts. Then he conned Mrs Pumps-Vital into lending him her gold circle earrings. He looked so cool.
We got tea-towels from Edwina for our head scarves. Azza wore his pillow case because it had sharks on it, and Worms wore his Simpsons underpants with hair sticking out the holes. The scars got a bit out of hand. We used Miss Cappelli’s eyebrow p
encil. Nicko looked like a victim of rotating knives torture. It’s hard to know when to stop.
We got bottles from Helmut, filled them with tea and stuck ‘RUM’ on them. Wormz decided he would have fleas, and scratch all the time. He also carried a rubbish tin lid and a board, for some reason. We practised our songs.
Just before it was time to go I suctioned the oompa doompa onto my knee with a mixture of spit and water, and tied my leg up to my belt.
‘Whaleman, what are you going to do?’ said Mitch.
Jonah quietly put on his striped pyjama top and the famous black hat with the feather.
The Concert
Everyone was there: the Queen of England, the President of the United States, Arnold Schwarzenegger...just joking. The teachers and parents sat on the chairs on one side with Mary, Helmut and Edwina. Miss Cappelli was snazzed up with lipstick and a T-shirt that said ‘JUST HAND OVER THE CHOCOLATE AND NOBODY WILL GET HURT!’
The Bomb shambled in, walking like a string puppet. Every step was a jolt. He looked very wonky.
‘Are you right, Brian?’ asked Chook.
I had to hop from our tent to the rec hall with my peg leg on. When I arrived, I didn’t feel much like a terrible pirate, I felt like someone who wanted to sit down! I crumpled to the floor.
The first act was the Drovers who did a very boring, squeaky recorder number. And they got it wrong in the middle and had to start again.
Then the Settlers, wearing shower caps and clothes inside-out, did a great rock ’n’ roll version of Yes, we have no bananas with words about camp. Everybody joined in at the end, eg:
‘We have creepies and crawlies
and itchies and scratchies
and ev-ry-thing that bites!
But, yes, we have no bananas,
we have no bananas today.’
Then the Miners, who had borrowed everyone’s funny big slippers, did Playschool, wearing their pyjamas, with their teddies, etc, and talking in that Playschool way.
‘There’s a bear in there, on an electric chair.
There’s people with AIDS,
and hand grenades.
Open wide,
commit suicide.
It’s Playschool.’
Then they plopped down onto the floor as if they were watching TV, and sucked their thumbs.
The Squatters did a really good one. They were a family on holiday on the Gold Coast, at a place like Dreamworld for the day, except it was called Wedgie Wonderland. They had their tracky daks pulled up over their shoulders. Things happened, like they’d go on a ride then the Dad would say, ‘Hey kids, let’s have some chips!’
‘No, we can’t.’
‘Why?’
‘Because we haven’t got any arms.’ Then they’d all flop on the floor screaming and waving their legs in the air.
Our turn. We must have looked pretty good. Everyone was cheering and yelling and we hadn’t even started!
‘They’re not pirates, they’re out of Mad Max II!’ said Lisa.
‘I hope we don’t have a mutiny!’ said Chook to Mr Murphy.
‘Now, me hearty farties,’ snarled Nicko, ‘a few crusty sea shanties from me old ship-mates to warm you up this cold hard winter’s night!’
His parrot fell off.
‘Oh no, he’s had another bad turn!’ goes Nicko.
‘He’s sensitive to gravity!’ yells Wormz, springing on the parrot.
‘Mouth-to-beak resuscitation!’
Honestly, when Wormz goes crazy, you don’t know what’s going to happen.
‘Six pirates went to-sea sea sea, as wicked as they could be be be.’
Azza had a hook. He dropped it and reached out his hand to get it, which got a big laugh. He also had a hunch on his back, and the hunch kept slipping. We just kept on singing and swigging.
‘Now, young man,’ goes Wormz to Helmut, ‘you have to walk the plank!’
‘What did I do?’ said Helmut.
‘You haven’t done anything yet.
This is just in case!’
Helmut walked along the board on the floor. ’...and when you get around to doing it, don’t ever do it again, you hear me?’ goes Wormz.
Mitch was swaggering and swashbuckling around.
‘Here’s a fair young maiden. Miss Minnie Minor,’ goes Mitch, grabbing Miss Cappelli. ‘We’ll rescue you!’
‘But I’m not in any danger!’ said Miss Cappelli.
‘You are now!’ said Wormz. ‘Walk the plank!’
‘But I haven’t done anything wrong!’
‘Oh, sorry,’ said Wormz.
‘But all that they could see see see were the hairs on the captain’s knee knee knee.
Helmut came to Oz Oz Oz, the reason is becos ’cos ’cos.
Edwina drank billies of tea tea tea.
She was busting to do a...drawing.
With whiskey cheese and ham ham ham they sailed across the dam dam dam.’
etc.
Our last song was The Quartermaster’s Store. By this time I was getting really good at walking on my peg leg. Kids said it looked so convincing, like I didn’t have a real leg.
Then suddenly, at the end of the song, the wooden part fell out of the rubber part. It made a tremendous clatter as it hit the floor! I hopped sideways, lost my balance and fell on my bum. It was mad. Bits fell off us, but they loved it! They thought we meant to do it!
We were about to flop back on the couches when Jonah jumped up. Everyone went quiet in a second. There was something about the look of him. He wasn’t being a pirate. He wasn’t pretending. He started a slow clap, and everyone, still flying with excitement, joined in. He stamped his boot hard, in time with the clap, then, in a strong voice, looking straight at The Bomb, he started to sing:
‘What shall we do with a drunken sailor, what shall we do with a drunken sailor...?’
Everybody ROARED! As loud as fifty-one kids can roar. All the pirates joined in immediately, then everybody, practically lifting the roof off.
Miss Cappelli froze, went white and stared at her knees. Mrs Pumps-Vital, eyes wide, poured words into Mr Murphy’s ear. The Bomb stared at Jonah, like a snake trying to mesmerise a mongoose, but Jonah and everybody kept singing at the top of their lungs.
Chook jumped up, waving her hands in the air.
‘THANK YOU, PIRATES!’ she boomed. ‘Now SETTLE DOWN! Wayne Gardiner, get OFF THAT WINDOWSILL! That is NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR! If you want any supper you’d all better SETTLE DOWN! By crikey, you won’t be getting any supper, and Edwina’s made you a special cake. Now SETTLE DOWN!’
It took a burst of yelling, but eventually the teachers got us quiet again.
There were a few more items. Paul, Bud and Pete told some pathetic jokes, and the Settlers did a TV show which started off funny but they got the giggles and you couldn’t really understand it.
Edwina and Lisa did two screaming Beatles fans after they’d been to a Beatles concert. Edwina had taught Lisa the Liverpool accent, and it was so cool.
Helmut did a strong man Star Trek act with Tak.
Miss Cappelli, Lisa and Chook’s was really clever. It was ex!
An alphabet poem with something funny about everyone at camp. We’re going to get a copy.
Then the Miners did a leech number with their sleeping bags pulled up to their necks. That was cool, too. They were all gourmet leeches, swaying around, talking about their best meals.
It was a great concert, but most people thought the pirates were the best. Jonah’s song was the hot topic.
We helped push the couches back, so we were about the last ones walking in the dark, back to the dining hut for supper. From behind the blacksmith’s. The Bomb stepped out in front of Jonah. We got a hell of a fright, but Jonah stood rock still.
‘You’re very close to the edge, boy,’ growled The Bomb.
Jonah was mad. His eyes blazed.
‘You’re not a teacher!’
Mitch and I grabbed his arms and tried to drag him.
> ‘You make everybody miserable...’
Jonah flung the words at The Bomb.
’...including yourself!’
We ran.
I woke in a sweat of fear. Night. More noises. A bed creaked. Dead scary. Like a horror movie. It was dark, but I could just make out Jonah, crouching motionless inside the tent flap, holding his heavy torch high with both hands, like he was going to whack somebody with it. He saw I was awake.
‘Somebody’s out there,’ he breathed.
I was scared by him being so scared, and the noise, the dark and the strangeness.
‘Somebody going to the toilet?’
Jonah brought his arms down a bit. ‘Don’t think so.’
I could hear the scuffling too.
We parted the flap a fraction and peered out into the night.
It was Mary taking the wombats and the wallaby for their run.
We could see shapes quite clearly.
‘What are you kids doing awake?’ She looked at us. Well, really, she looked at Jonah.
‘Come too,’ she said quietly. ‘Quick! Grab a jumper!’
The animals were racing up the hill.
We didn’t talk. We followed them through the darkness.
The air was cold on my face. I wished I’d put socks on.
The animals trotted ahead, dark blobs on the ground. We left the track, and scrambled, cracking and crunching through the thin bush, till we came to a hollow with a dry creek bed.
The little wallaby was bouncing around. Bulldozer and Thornton Primary snuffled happily.
It was like a dream: the dark shapes of the animals, the bush smell, the cold air. We sat on a fallen tree trunk and watched the animals, in silence at first. Then Mary, speaking in a low voice that was like part of the night, told us about the animals. ‘They find a place where there are no droppings from other wombats, and that becomes their patch, where I take them night after night. What happened in the river today, Jonah?’ Mary slipped in the question quietly, as if it was simply the next thing to say.
Jonah was silent.
‘You can trust me,’ said Mary in her slow, soothing voice, ‘and Mark and the wombats won’t say a word.’
We sat quietly for what seemed like ages. Thornton Primary snuffling around made a skittering run at Bulldozer, who lost his balance and toppled over. It was funny. The little wallaby jumped straight up in the air.
Don't Pat the Wombat! Page 8