Chapter Nine
“I’m sorry I had to push this back,” Gabriel said as he walked into Reid’s office. “I had some surprise work come up, and I just couldn’t make it in. But it’s thanks to you that I could even sit at my desk long enough to do it, so… thank you.”
Reid smiled at him, which Gabriel was really starting to like. He’d had a few hot showers with Reid in mind, now, and as confusing—alarming, even—as that was, he couldn’t help the way he reacted to him.
Besides, no matter how confusing or alarming masturbating to the thought of Reid touching him was, Gabriel kept doing it.
He’d reminded himself a hundred times that Reid didn’t know that, and was unlikely to be able to figure it out. That didn’t make him any less nervous about facing Reid, though.
Which was why he’d really put it off.
“Hey, as long as you’re feeling better. You know the drill,” Reid said, nodding to the examination table.
“Shirt on or off?” Gabriel asked, unsure which he wanted to hear. He doubted that Reid would ever be attracted to someone like him, but it was exciting to think that just maybe, he was.
“Off, I wanna see how you’re going.”
Gabriel shrugged his jacket off and then pulled his t-shirt over his head, climbing up to sit on the table.
Reid approached him, standing just close enough that Gabriel could feel his warmth.
He hadn’t noticed that before. He’d noticed that Reid was kind to him, and that he made him feel safe and cared for, but he hadn’t noticed how warm he was, how he made Gabriel’s skin tingle as he stepped closer.
Not until now, at least. Now, he couldn’t take his eyes off the line of Reid’s collarbones or the way the fabric of his one-size-too-small t-shirt clung to them.
Gabriel’s mouth went dry as he stared at Reid’s chest in front of him. He forced himself to look away after a handful of seconds, afraid that Reid would realize what he was thinking.
“You’ve got some nice definition coming along, here,” Reid said, reaching out to touch his upper arm.
A swarm of butterflies took off in Gabriel’s stomach, making him want to squirm under Reid’s touch. He’d been surprised when he looked in the mirror, and it felt good to have Reid compliment his body.
“This is good for six weeks. You’ve clearly been taking care of yourself,” Reid continued, running his fingers along the length of Gabriel’s arm.
He could barely remember ever being touched with this much care. Not by anyone.
It felt so good.
“I’ve been following your orders,” he responded belatedly. “I figure you know best.”
Reid chuckled. “I wish all my patients thought that way.”
“Well, I learned my lesson early. You know my body better than I do, despite what you told me the first time.”
“You live in your body,” Reid said. “I’m just trying to make you more comfortable.”
“I’m way more comfortable.” Gabriel rolled his shoulders back, sighing softly as Reid touched them. “I feel great, actually.”
He did feel better, and that wasn’t helping with whatever was going on in his head about Reid. Reid was kind to him, Reid took his pain away, Reid took him seriously.
He was everything Gabriel had wanted in the first men he’d been attracted to, the ones he’d been sure were just the product of being an overeager teenager bent on proving himself to the world, determined to be valued by someone.
Except now he was an adult—an accomplished, relatively settled twenty-something—and Reid made his heart sing every time he smiled at him.
Confusing didn’t even begin to cover it.
“Good,” Reid said. “That’s exactly what I wanna hear.”
Gabriel looked up at him, suddenly aware of how close he was, how warm his hands felt on Gabriel’s skin.
“Do I need to weigh you, or have you been keeping an eye on that?”
“I’m actually up to a hundred and twenty-seven pounds,” Gabriel said, proud of himself. “Which is a little more than before.”
“And it looks like almost all of that is muscle,” Reid said, glancing down at Gabriel’s stomach, where he was acutely aware of the slight layer of fat he’d put on.
“Almost,” Gabriel repeated, blushing. He should have known the compliments wouldn’t last forever.
“I think it suits you,” Reid said.
Oh. Reid thought it suited him.
Gabriel had never once had the urge to have his body praised by another man before—by anyone, really—but hearing Reid’s approval was exciting. It made him feel warm on the inside, the faintest hint of arousal mixing with the general pleasure of being around someone he liked.
He wanted Reid to want to touch him, for reasons outside of medical necessity.
He wanted Reid to want him.
And that was shocking and confusing and not something he was really ready to deal with, but it was there, and it wasn’t going away. It was starting to feel like something he’d pushed aside, rather than a phase he’d gotten over.
“Thank you. I’ve never really cared much about the way I look, but even I can admit that I’ve stopped in front of the mirror once or twice lately.”
“So cute lady scientists are back on your radar?”
Gabriel blushed, remembering the conversation they’d had about that.
No one except Reid was on his radar, and that was strange, and not at all what Gabriel was used to, but…
“I’m, uh… less worried about my ability to perform than I was, yeah.” Gabriel cleared his throat. “Thank you for not laughing at me.”
“I’d never laugh,” Reid said kindly, looking Gabriel straight in the eyes.
He was so close, and so warm. Gabriel’s stomach flipped over as Reid leaned in to touch him again, his heart pounding in his chest.
Before he realized what he was doing, Gabriel darted forward, tilting his head to avoid bumping Reid’s nose as he pressed their lips together, the need to be close to him suddenly overwhelming.
It felt as though there was a cord running between them, pulling him in, tugging on his heart, on his stomach, on everything. Every part of him screamed to be closer to Reid, to reach out and touch, beg for what he wanted if he had to.
Reid’s lips were soft, and relaxed, and Gabriel hummed a soft, happy sigh at finally getting what he so desperately needed from the other man, all the little aches and pains of his still-recovering body fading into the background.
As Reid pulled away, Gabriel realized with horror what he’d done. His eyes widened, his lips still tingling as he stared at Reid, frozen with panic.
That was an awful thing to do without asking. How could he be so stupid?
Reid would never forgive him, and he deserved that.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, squeezing past Reid to stand up, grabbing his t-shirt and tugging it over his head.
Reid was silent, standing in the middle of the room, stunned.
Once his shirt was on, he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door, too afraid to look back. He didn’t need to see the shock or the disgust he was sure was written all over Reid’s face, he didn’t need any further hints about how badly he’d just screwed up.
This was going to haunt him for years.
He wasn’t gay.
He wasn’t gay, he couldn’t be, he’d never…
Well…
He’d gone through what he’d thought of as a phase when he was a teenager. He’d almost forgotten about it, chalked it up to being young and so desperate for approval that he would have wanted anyone who so much as smiled at him, but that didn’t mean…
Shit.
Maybe it did.
He’d always wanted approval and attention from other men. Anyone he liked, anyone who showed the slightest hint that they cared about him… he’d wanted to be closer to them in some indescribable way. And there’d been so many. Too many to count, too many to number.
He just hadn’t t
hought about it in a long time, because up until now, everyone he’d been attracted to had been completely out of his league one way or another.
Even Connor, who he looked up to so much.
He’d had a crush on him, too.
He had a crush on Reid.
And he’d screwed up his chances of that ever going anywhere in the space of five seconds.
Reid should also have been completely out of his league, but he was actually gay and he was so kind to Gabriel. Apparently, that was close enough for whatever repressed desires were resurfacing right now.
This was more than Gabriel was ready to process. He sighed the forms at reception in a daze, realizing as he walked away that he’d put down completely the wrong date, walking out into the afternoon light outside and blinking at how bright everything was.
His life had been change after change, adjustment after adjustment since he got back to Earth, but this was… bigger. More intense. More personal.
Too much. Way, way too much to worry about right now, when he had so many other things on his plate.
It took him until he got to the bus stop to realize he’d been running. Or jogging, at least.
His lungs were burning with the effort, his mind still racing.
He had a crush on Reid, and he’d screwed it up.
The thought made him feel sick.
Chapter Ten
The email from Gabriel in his inbox had been staring back at Reid all day, unopened.
It wasn’t fair to ignore Gabriel. Especially when all he’d done was exactly what Reid wanted him to do, really.
He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t throwing mixed signals at the guy.
The thought of reading whatever Gabriel’s email said was too much, though.
Reid knew it didn’t say ‘hey, sorry that was so sudden, but I think we should date’ or anything like that. It probably said sorry, but then went on to say that Gabriel was going to find another therapist.
Reid wouldn’t have gone back to the same guy he’d kissed out of nowhere and then run away from. Not in a million years. So he didn’t expect Gabriel to, either.
He had to open the email. He couldn’t just leave it there unread forever.
Reid’s stomach swooped as though he’d missed a stair as he clicked on it, his eyes closing reflexively so he wouldn’t have to face whatever Gabriel had to say straight away.
No matter how much he didn’t want to handle this, though, he had to. Ignoring it and hoping it’d go away wasn’t an option.
Reid took a deep breath, forcing himself to open his eyes.
As predicted, it started with I’m so sorry.
To Reid’s surprise, though, this wasn’t a goodbye. As he read, he realized that Gabriel was asking for forgiveness.
I don’t expect to find a better therapist than you, and while I realize you might not want to continue treating me, I’m not above begging. I swear it won’t ever happen again.
The thing was, Reid still didn’t understand why it had happened at all.
He could admit to himself that he’d been hovering over Gabriel, too close for too long, just because he liked being close to him, but… Gabriel was supposed to be straight. He’d gone from giving no hints that he was attracted to Reid to kissing him.
Although…
Looking back, Reid could see a hint or two. When they’d run into each other on campus, when Gabriel had come in for the appointment where he’d been in tears with pain. Tiny hints, things Reid had brushed off as just being Gabriel’s personality.
Not what he looked for, but then… Gabriel was straight. He wasn’t intentionally flirting, so it had been harder to spot.
Reid couldn’t help but feel like he should have spotted it, though. He felt responsible for this.
Was it more unprofessional to refuse to see Gabriel again, or to continue to treat him knowing what had already happened?
Reid knew the answer to that—it would have been a lot better to refer Gabriel to someone else—but that wasn’t the answer he wanted.
Besides, he knew Gabriel’s case. If he sent the poor guy to someone else, Gabriel would have to break them in all over again. And if he didn’t connect with them, he probably wouldn’t listen to their advice, and then he’d never get better.
At least, that was how he was justifying this to himself.
He wouldn’t have been the first medical professional to have a thing for a patient, and he definitely wasn’t going to be the last. Besides, he had an email where Gabriel fully admitted that he was in the wrong, so if anyone ever questioned him on it, he had proof that this wasn’t on him.
Not that he expected Gabriel to do him any harm. He didn’t seem the type to hurt anyone.
He seemed incredibly guilty, and Reid wished he could tell him that it was okay, or that he wasn’t totally opposed to doing it again with a little more warning.
He was going to keep treating Gabriel, though. There was no point in pushing him away.
Don’t worry about it, he started an email back to Gabriel. These things happen, consider it forgotten.
He wasn’t likely to forget it for a long time, but Gabriel didn’t need to know that right now.
Chapter Eleven
Gabriel’s stomach was in knots as he sat down on the examination table, unsure what to expect. He was grateful that Reid had agreed to continue treating him, but he was only now realizing how awkward this was going to be.
Reid hadn’t asked him to take his shirt off.
Reid was standing two feet away at all times, barely touching Gabriel as he examined him.
It was unfair to expect anything else, but Gabriel regretted losing the only caring touch he got these days.
That was his fault, though, and there was nothing he could do about it now.
“You look like you’re right on schedule,” Reid said. “Any concerns?”
Gabriel shook his head. If Reid had been anyone else, he wouldn’t have bothered with any more appointments. He felt better, he had more muscle tone now than he had before he left, and life was more or less back to normal.
He just didn’t want to give Reid up yet. Even though he’d screwed up with him.
Everything was just so confusing.
Every time Gabriel thought he had his feelings figured out, some other memory hit him, or a pang of doubt made his stomach knot up.
He had no one to talk to about it, either. It was just Gabriel, alone with his thoughts, unsure how to organize them.
He wanted to kiss Reid again, but he was pretty sure that was a non-option now.
He wanted to explore all of his weird new feelings with someone he trusted, but he’d screwed that up.
“I feel good,” Gabriel lied. Physically, he was fine, but otherwise, he felt awful.
Focusing on his work had been easy. Now that he’d gotten where he wanted to go, actually having to live his life was proving to be hard.
As much as he wanted to believe he’d have other chances, this had felt like his best one to find out who he really was, what he really wanted.
To finally let himself figure out who he was outside of his work. To be a person, a whole person, not just someone barely existing in the single-minded pursuit of one goal.
It had been worth it, but the point of achieving a goal was that you got to move on with your life afterward. That it would improve things.
Gabriel had been hoping to spend some time working out what he really wanted.
Reid had seemed like the perfect person to experiment with, and now he wouldn’t even touch Gabriel.
“You look a little tired,” Reid said.
That would have been because he wasn’t sleeping all that well. “I’ve got a lot of work on,” Gabriel explained. It wasn’t untrue, but his workload wasn’t what was keeping him up at night.
Reid was keeping him up at night. The thought of his hands on Gabriel’s body, touching him all over, taking away all his pain, all his worries. And then, the memory of the look on Reid’
s face after he’d kissed him.
Shock. Dismay. Not even a hint that he hadn’t hated it.
He was probably making Reid uncomfortable just by being here.
“I know this isn’t what you wanna hear, but you should try to reduce stress. I know you feel like you’re recovering, but your body just went through a traumatic event. Even if it was cool, it still took a toll.”
Gabriel sighed.
Why did Reid have to be nice to him? Why couldn’t he be mad?
Mad would have been a lot easier to deal with. Gabriel was used to people being mad at him.
He wasn’t used to kindness. Especially when he didn’t deserve it.
His brain kept telling him that he only thought he was interested in Reid because Reid had been so kind, showed so much concern, been impressed by the fact that Gabriel had accomplished what he had.
But another part of him knew that wouldn’t leave him waking up hard and having to jerk himself off frantically, the image of Reid touching him still fresh in his mind.
Even when he tried to forget about it, banned himself from thinking about it while he was awake, Reid still came back to haunt him.
Gabriel had known going to space would change him, but he hadn’t expected this.
He had suspicions about what was going on, a hypothesis or two, but he wasn’t ready to state a theory. He was still collecting data.
Unfortunately, the most important data required someone else’s cooperation to gather. He’d never know if he enjoyed sex with men if he couldn’t find a man to have sex with.
Ideally, that would have been Reid.
“I know,” Gabriel said belatedly, shaking himself out of his thoughts. “I know stress is bad for you, but I’ve lived my whole life thriving under pressure. It’s a hard habit to break.”
“Well, if you don’t break it, it’ll break you,” Reid said.
He was probably right about that.
It was a shame that his current source of stress wasn’t something he had the tools to deal with. Gabriel was starting to think it’d be best if he ignored it and hoped it went away.
“You can get down,” Reid said, nodding to Gabriel as he went to his desk. “I’d like to see you again in two weeks,” he added.
The Boyfriend Experiment Page 5