He was disappointed, but that was his problem, not Gabriel’s.
Gabriel nodded. “I know. You would never have said that.”
Reid set his fork down, suddenly not hungry.
That feeling he could have reached out and touched earlier was slipping through his fingers, and he didn’t know how to stop it.
Gabriel ate a few more mouthfuls in silence, and then set his fork down as well. Reid watched him stand up and move around the counter to where he was standing, stopping beside him.
“I’m extremely proud of you,” Gabriel said. “And I’m sorry that I can’t go to this event with you.”
Before Reid could say anything, Gabriel reached out and wrapped his arms around him, pressing himself against Reid’s chest, burying his face into his shirt.
Unsure what else to do, Reid settled his hands on Gabriel’s back, his heart clenching at the tightness of the hug.
This felt like goodbye, and he couldn’t find the words to stop it.
I love you stuck in his throat, along with please don’t go, I promise I’ll stop being an asshole about this.
After a handful of heartbeats, Gabriel stretched up and pressed a kiss to Reid’s cheek.
“I have to go,” he said. “Let me know how the award dinner goes.”
“I will,” Reid responded, looking down to see tear stains on his shirt. “I…”
His throat caught again, his body unwilling to say the words his heart so desperately wanted Gabriel to hear.
It was too much like guilting him into staying, and Reid wasn’t going to do that. He was Gabriel’s first boyfriend. Gabriel didn’t deserve his first boyfriend being cruel like that. He didn’t deserve anyone being cruel like that.
And Reid didn’t deserve him. He’d had his shot at the most amazing person he’d ever met, and he’d screwed it up.
“Take care of yourself,” he said instead.
Gabriel waved at him as he opened the door, his shoulders unnaturally straight, like they had been the first time they’d met.
It was a different kind of pain causing it this time, but there was pain written all over him.
Reid wasn’t sure he could forgive himself for that.
Chapter Twenty-Five
After a weekend of nursing a stomach ache over walking out on Reid, Gabriel sat at his desk on Monday morning tired, miserable, and mad at himself.
He wished he could be what Reid wanted. What he deserved. He’d never wanted to be perfect before, not for anyone, but for Reid…
All Gabriel wanted was to be with him, but he couldn’t do that. Reid didn’t need to be dragged down by someone who couldn’t make the leap to being out.
Reid deserved someone who could be proud of him in public, not just in private.
He’d looked up the award Reid was being given, and it was clearly a big deal. Reid had downplayed it, but that was exactly the kind of thing Reid would do.
This was a huge, important, national award, being given to someone Gabriel cared deeply about, and he couldn’t go and see it happen.
What kind of boyfriend was he?
Aside from completely useless.
Reid deserved better. It was as simple as that.
Out of the corner of his eye, Gabriel caught an email popping up in his inbox. He looked automatically, his heart beating faster at the hope that it was from Reid, but it wasn’t.
It was from Thom Mason, head of Atmos.
The subject line was Job Offer.
Gabriel swallowed, clicking on it with his heart in his throat.
He skimmed the email, reading the words permanent position, long-term contract, your own lab space, head of your department.
And more importantly, Florida.
Florida was a long, long way from Seattle. Pretty much as far away as it was possible to be without leaving the country.
Gabriel chewed on the inside of his cheek, his leg bouncing under the table.
On Friday morning, his answer would have been a polite but firm no, thanks, he liked his current consulting position.
But now…
He’d stayed in Seattle after the shuttle flight because he had no reason to be anywhere else. And then he’d met Reid, and the city he’d just been existing in had started to feel a little more like home, a little more like somewhere he really wanted to be.
All of that had evaporated over the weekend. Gabriel had never felt so alone, so isolated in his life as he had over the last few days.
He’d felt as though he’d never be happy again, that nothing could ever fix this, that there was no point in trying to do anything other than work.
This sounded temptingly like a fresh start. And if not a fresh start, an important position at a company where the whole culture was to work yourself to death as fast as you could in the pursuit of progress.
Other people might have frowned at that idea, but to Gabriel, it sounded perfect right about now. He could bury himself in work and never emerge again, never have to worry about getting his heart broken, never disappoint anyone.
Love was hard. Rocket science, he could do.
Gabriel paused at the thought. Love.
He was in love with Reid. He’d never felt that before, but he knew it now. Nothing had ever hurt him this much before.
Running away seemed like a really good way of dealing with that. Or rather, not having to deal with that.
His experiment had been a failure due to unforeseen variables. Any self-respecting scientist would scrap the data and start again.
Far, far away.
Let me know if you want to talk about this, the email finished.
Gabriel gnawed on his lower lip, his stomach turning over as he clicked on reply.
It all sounds good, he typed. I’d love to sit down with you and discuss the details.
If he was going to be a coward, he might as well act like one.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Reid sighed as he straightened his tie in the mirror, looking himself up and down one last time. He still scrubbed up okay.
He wished Gabriel could see him like this.
He wished Gabriel could see him being recognized for his work, stand beside him, give some meaning to all of this.
His work was its own reward, and getting an award for it didn’t mean much at all. Not to Reid, not really. It would have been nice, though, to have a partner who could celebrate with him.
And if Reid hadn’t been so stupid, so greedy about Gabriel, he could have had that. Gabriel could be kissing him goodbye now and promising to be there when he got back, which should have been enough.
It would have been enough. If he’d taken the time to assure Gabriel that being disappointed didn’t mean he was mad, didn’t mean he didn’t want to see him anymore, it would have been enough.
He wasn’t disappointed in Gabriel. He was disappointed in the world for making him feel as though he had to hide.
But he hadn’t been able to make that clear to him. He hadn’t entirely understood it himself, at the time. He’d been too busy wanting more, too selfish to look at things the way Gabriel saw them.
And now he’d lost the best thing he’d had in his life in years.
Reid slammed his apartment door too hard as he left, checking his phone to see that his cab was downstairs waiting.
He wasn’t going to enjoy this. Not knowing it had cost him Gabriel.
Not that he was ever going to enjoy it anyway, but he was already exhausted by the time he got in the cab and gave the address he was going to.
Reid felt stupid all dressed up, his tie suffocating him, his suit jacket binding his shoulders. Everything was uncomfortable, itchy, or tight.
The traffic outside was loud, a blur of sound that kept Reid’s mind on edge.
Nothing about this felt right.
What the hell was the point in an award if it meant he was losing the one thing he’d had for himself? The best thing in his life.
There was no point in it.
T
here was no point in anything if it meant giving up what he wanted most.
“Hey,” he trapped the driver on the shoulder. “I’m sorry about this, but I need you to turn around.”
The driver looked between Reid and the road ahead, and then back to Reid again. “In this traffic?”
“It’s important. I’ll double the fare.”
The driver looked back and forth again, then shrugged. “Well, if it’s important…” he said.
It was.
It was the most important thing Reid could imagine doing.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Good luck tonight, Gabriel typed into a new text message to Reid, wanting him to know that he wasn’t mad, that he didn’t hate him.
That he was proud of him.
And that he wished things were different. That he wished he was braver.
Reid wouldn’t want to hear from him. He couldn’t be what Reid wanted, what he deserved, and there was no point in bothering him now.
He was meeting with Thom tomorrow to talk about the job offer, and he intended to accept it more or less regardless of the conditions.
Leaving Reid alone was the best, kindest thing Gabriel could do for him. The last thing he needed was a boyfriend he had to keep a secret, to be dragged back into the closet along with Gabriel.
That wasn’t a fair thing to ask of him, and Gabriel wouldn’t do it.
He loved Reid too much to ask that of him.
It was going to kill him to walk away, but...
A knock on the door startled Gabriel out of his thoughts.
What was the point of having a security door on the building if people just let anyone in? If this was 302’s nightly takeout delivery again, he was keeping it this time. Ever since he’d learned that it was pre-paid, he’d been tempted.
“The apartment you’re looking for is on the other side of the-”
Gabriel paused as he took in who he was looking at.
Reid.
All dressed up and… for some reason, standing outside his door.
“Pretty sure this is the apartment I’m looking for,” Reid said.
“Reid.” Gabriel wet his lips. “I was, uh. Just about to wish you good luck for tonight.”
The fact that he’d decided not to didn’t seem entirely relevant right now.
It was also starting to feel like the wrong decision.
Reid was here. Gabriel hadn’t expected that at all.
“You think I could come in?” Reid asked.
Gabriel nodded, backing away from the door. What was he doing here? He had way more important places to be.
He stared at Reid as the other man came inside, closing the door behind him in silence.
“You’re more important to me than an award,” Reid said before Gabriel could ask what the hell he was doing there.
“But… but it’s a huge honor! I looked it up, they only give out one of these a year, it’s practically the Nobel Peace Prize of physiotherapy,” he said, sure that was a slight exaggeration, but still impressed with Reid’s achievements. He deserved this. He didn’t deserve to be dragged down by someone like Gabriel.
Besides, the award wasn’t what mattered here, not really. It was the principle that mattered.
Now that Reid was standing in front of him, Gabriel was having trouble remembering exactly what the principle was.
Even now, Reid made him feel safe. All the anxiety that had been tying his stomach into knots moments ago was gone, completely forgotten about. Reid made everything seem okay.
He looked great in a suit. Neat and tidy but, just a tiny bit nervous and vulnerable, like he wasn’t used to wearing one. He probably wasn’t. Gabriel had never seen him in anything less casual than a button-down with the sleeves rolled up and the top three buttons open to reveal a t-shirt underneath.
Reid was beautiful. It made Gabriel’s heart hurt to see him like this and not be able to reach out and touch him, press him up against the wall, loosen his tie and leave him gasping for air before gently putting his hair back into place and sending him out.
Or going out with him.
He went to space. Surely one award night wasn’t totally impossible?
Especially since Reid was already out to all those people. None of them would be surprised. He wouldn’t be going if he didn’t feel welcome.
Reid had picked maybe the least convenient neighborhood in town to live in because he felt welcome there.
“And you’re still more important to me,” Reid said, his voice low. He ducked his head to catch Gabriel’s gaze. “I love you.”
For a moment, it was as though someone had sucked all the air out of the room. Gabriel’s chest tightened, his lungs burning as he struggled to breathe.
That was a lot to take in.
He was in love with Reid, too. That was why the past week had been agony, that was why he’d hated himself so much for losing the best thing he’d ever had.
He wasn’t alone. Reid felt the same way, and if that was true, then Reid didn’t want them to be apart, either. He couldn’t have.
“Reid, I…” Gabriel began, unsure what to say.
Reid had come here instead of going to the most important event of the year. He’d blown off his entire profession for Gabriel.
There was only one response to that. Only one thing Gabriel could do for both of them.
“I have to get dressed,” he said.
Reid blinked at him.
Clearly, he hadn’t followed Gabriel’s train of thought. That made sense, since all of it had happened in Gabriel’s head.
“I can’t go to your awards night in a pair of sweatpants and an old Star Wars t-shirt, can I?” Gabriel asked.
“You’re coming?” Reid blinked again, his brow furrowing.
Gabriel took a step toward him, reaching out to take both of Reid’s hands, squeezing them tight. He looked up, meeting Reid’s eyes, and then leaned in close to kiss him, letting his eyes fall closed as their lips made contact, his heart skipping as Reid responded.
In an ideal world, Gabriel would have just stayed like this, with Reid, all night.
But in the world where he wanted to be a good boyfriend—a good partner, the man Reid deserved—he had to go and get dressed up.
He could do this. He’d done it once without giving it a second thought, and then let himself get scared out of it by children.
Like Alice said, it wasn’t stupid to have doubts. But it was stupid to let doubts get in the way of living his life. He wanted Reid more than he wanted to hide.
He didn’t want to hide at all. Not really. Not when he knew what he’d be missing out on if he did.
Reid was worth anything. He was worth everything.
“I love you, too,” Gabriel said. “And if you can do something as incredible as blowing off all your colleagues to come here and tell me that… I can stand with you at your award night. And you can introduce me as your gorgeous boyfriend.”
“Really?” Reid asked, his whole face lighting up.
Gabriel couldn’t help but smile back. As nervous as the idea made him, a sense of peace was settling over him, too. This was the right thing. This was the path he was supposed to take next.
The path that meant Reid would walk beside him.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Do I look like I just rolled out of bed?” Gabriel asked as they got out of the cab, sticking close to Reid the entire time.
Despite the fact that Reid could feel his nervousness rolling off him as though it was a physical thing, the closeness was nice.
Besides, Reid knew nothing bad was going to happen here. Professionally, he was out. He always brought a date to these things, and it had always been fine before. It would be fine now, too.
Which made it a great starting place.
He was just glad he hadn’t lost Gabriel. Even if they’d stayed home, he would have been happy.
Right now, he was glowing with pride.
“Kinda, but it’s a good look on you,
” Reid admitted, reaching out to tuck a strand of Gabriel’s hair behind his ear.
“I need a haircut,” Gabriel said. “I’ve left it for over a year now. I’m not normally this scruffy.”
Reid smiled at that, still taking in how well Gabriel scrubbed up. He hadn’t even bothered to shave, but he looked good. Natural.
A lot more at home in a suit than Reid did. He’d been surprised that Gabriel owned one at all, let alone had it ready to wear on short notice.
Apparently even being at the top of your field didn’t exempt you from having to wear a suit from time to time.
“I kinda like it, actually. I wouldn’t be mad if you kept growing it out,” Reid said.
He did like Gabriel’s hair. And his face. And his hands. All of him, really.
His heart, most of all. He’d told Reid in the cab that he was done being a coward, but Reid had rarely met a braver person. Being afraid didn’t make him a coward.
Being afraid and still going through with it? That was brave.
“Well, good, because I’m unlikely to get a haircut anytime soon. It’s a lot of work,” Gabriel said, shoving his hands deep in his pockets and looking at the small crowd milling ahead of them, slowly filtering into the hotel the event was being held in.
“Last chance to back out,” Reid said, hoping Gabriel wouldn’t, but preparing himself to accept it if he did.
Having Gabriel at all was more important than having him on his arm at any one event. A week without him had been more than enough to convince Reid of that.
He never wanted to lose Gabriel again.
“I’m not backing out,” Gabriel said firmly. “But, uh… could I hold your hand? Or I guess take your arm, if that’s more socially acceptable.”
Reid chuckled. “Maybe start with the arm,” he said, offering it to Gabriel. “But if you need to grab my hand, it’s right there at the end of my wrist.”
“Look, I might not be an award winning physical therapist, but I know where your hands are,” Gabriel said wryly, taking Reid’s arm.
Reid couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he guided them toward the hotel. Gabriel was here, and he was with him, and absolutely nothing could have been better.
The Boyfriend Experiment Page 13