Irus comes into the kitchen. “Trying to use bigger words?” He looks at Jared. “He still calling everyone stupid?”
Jared nods.
“Here.” Irus hands him the clothing. “Go shower and get warm.”
My phone rings again. This time it’s Olivia. “Yeah?”
“I just got a call from a woman named Elaine Getz. She works for—”
My gut plummets. “I know who she works for—why are you calling me, Olivia?”
The woman sighs, followed by an uncomfortable silence between us. “I think you can guess why.”
“He’s your kid. The one who came forward.”
When I turn away so Jared can’t see my face, I smash my phone into the counter, but the damn thing won’t break. Over and over, I smash the piece of shit device, finally shoving it down the garbage disposal. With a calming breath, Olivia’s voice disappears under the running water, and I flip the switch with a sudden tranquility.
“Hey, kid, just go take a bath or something. Give us a little time, okay?”
Jared whispers to Irus, “I’ve never seen him snap before, and I’ve pushed him, boss. Big-time pushed him.”
“I’ll get him settled.”
“You his boyfriend?”
“Jared, get cleaned up, and quit busting Irus’s balls.”
“Gotcha, Jacks.”
Jared scurries from the room. Irus has a million questions ping-ponging around in his head. It’s obvious. All I can do is laugh and cry. I want to break more shit. None of it will give me what I want. None of it will let me go back in time and shove a goddamned knife into that bastard’s heart after the first time he touched me.
“Maddox better arrest him soon, Irus. You’ll be visiting me in prison if he doesn’t.”
Irus’s hands smooth over my shoulders, shaking me a little. “We’ll get through this shit. In the meantime, what’s the issue we’re looking at right now? Trying to get Jared to stay in foster care?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“How about you take him?”
“What? Have you gone nuts? I’m single. I’m gay. Fuck, I’m a single, gay, pro football player. There’s no way a judge is giving him to me. It’s midseason. I’m always working.”
“If a judge would give him to you, would you take him?”
“In a goddamn heartbeat.”
“Then do what it takes.”
My mouth’s gone dry. “Do you know what you’re suggesting?”
“I’ll be here with you. Now, is that your old phone upstairs in your lube drawer?”
Irus makes me laugh. “Yeah.”
“Good. You go take care of the kid and I’ll take care of your phone. What’s your passcode?”
“Score for last year’s national championship.”
“You’re predictable.”
* * * *
The room is cold, but I get the pellet stove cranking out heat. I want my old room to be warm for Jared. He’s looking at all the things Paul got for me. Signed footballs, jerseys, and cards.
“He got you stuff like this too, huh?” Jared asks.
“Yeah.”
Jared bobs his head, his expression sage. “It’s how he operates?”
“Yes.”
“So, I already know I’m not the only one. I thought if I smoked, got fat, he’d leave me alone. He just wanted to take me to work out more.”
“I just ran. As fast and as far as I could, through the woods, after school.”
It’s obvious Jared hasn’t showered, but tonight I don’t want to fight that battle. Tonight he just needs somewhere safe to sleep. Jared glances at me, nervous when he hears a car pulling into the drive.
“Irus can get rid of them. Don’t worry. No one’s taking you anywhere.”
The poor kid slumps onto the bed with some genuine relief. “It’d be nice to sleep again.”
“I can’t guarantee you’ll sleep, Jared.”
“Is Irus your boyfriend? Heard you were gay.”
“Yes, I’m gay. Irus is someone important to me.”
“Are you gay because of him?”
Him, meaning Paul, not Irus.
“I don’t know. I’ve always been a little different, even before, but I can’t say for sure.”
“I don’t want to be a fag.”
The words hurt my heart, but I get the feeling he doesn’t understand what it means, really.
“Jared, if you like girls, you’re not gay. It’s not a bad thing to love a man. It’s healthy.”
“You love him…Irus?”
“We’re new.”
“But you love him, right?”
“My life is better with him here.”
“Do you like being a fag?”
“Jared, do you mind if I sit on the bed?” He looks nervous, but nods. I sit close to the foot, keeping distance between us. “I don’t like that word. Fag. It’s used mostly in a derogatory manner. The guys I play against use it to piss me off on the field, to get in my head but to also make me feel weak. It reminds me of Paul. How he’d keep me thinking I needed him to become something.”
“I’m sorry. Isn’t that what he is, though? A fag?”
“No, Paul is a monster. He’s what they call a pedophile. Pedophiles are not the same as gay men. A gay man isn’t going to have sex with a child. A gay man loves other men, not children. Do you understand?”
“I think so. Does this mean I won’t be gay?”
“You like girls?”
He grins, but then looks down at himself. “Yeah, but they don’t like me.”
“With Paul in prison, you can focus on being yourself, Jared. You can start taking care of yourself. The girls will like you.”
“I don’t know if I can, you know.”
“Are you referring to not being able to take care of yourself, girls, or testifying? Which is it?”
Jared shrugs. “All of it, I guess.”
“Don’t worry about it now. Take the time to worry about yourself. When you meet the right girl, things will work out. You can always talk to me, Jared.”
“Will you buy me a hooker?”
“What? No!”
His body shakes, getting more and more out of control. I realize he’s trying not to laugh.
“You should’ve seen your face, asshole.”
“You’re killing me, kid.” I get it, though. The conversation is getting too intense.
“Jared? Jared?” Olivia bursts through the door. “You had me worried.”
Olivia takes a few minutes of fussing over the boy before she gets herself under control. She smacks me in the back of the head.
“Ow! What’d I do?”
“You sent your hellhound out there to divert me!”
Irus is in the doorway. “You were gonna go all sloppy over the kid. We guys have to watch each other’s backs.”
“I’m not going back there,” Jared says. “Their kids are demons.”
Olivia’s expression softens. She plays with one of Jared’s curls. “It’ll be okay. I’ll take you to my place, and we’ll find you another foster home in the morning.”
Jared appears conflicted. “It’s a nice offer, but—I really just want to hang out with the guys.”
“He can stay here,” I say quickly. “It’ll be good. I’ve fostered him before, and I already have the room warmed up.”
Olivia glances from me to Irus and back again. She then studies the hopeful look on Jared’s face. “You sure do know how to work that soft spot I have for you.”
Jared grins. Olivia ruffles his hair and sighs.
The knots in my stomach unfurl and I relax a little, happy Jared can sleep feeling secure.
Chapter Seventeen
Jackson McCoy’s House
Irus Beaumont
Jacks stands in the bathroom with his toothbrush in hand, but he stares at the shower. In the mirror, I can see his face. The mix of emotions plays so openly. He’s angry, but he seems confused.
“What’re you thinking, broth
er?”
He turns, surprised, but puts his toothbrush away before answering. “I don’t get it, is all. How Paul can do those things to kids. Shit, even after being one of his kids, it’s a strange reality.”
“Do you relive it when you’re in the shower?”
“Not if I’m alone. Sometimes I get anxious and a sick feeling in my stomach develops. Sort of the same sensation as when Paul would touch me. When I was a rookie, I tried to shower with the guys. It was too much for me. Since then, I always wait. If I’m not that stanky after practice, I’ll just get dressed and go home.”
“I’ve noticed. Come on, let’s go to bed. I’m cold. I’m used to climate control and forced air heat.” As soon as I get him in bed, I’ve got him in my arms. “Are you ready to talk to me?”
His body tenses, but I rub his arm, trying to get him to relax. We’re leaning against the headboard with his back pressed to me, obscuring his facial expressions from my sight.
“What do you want to know?”
“How’d it start?”
“It wasn’t right away. At first he was the greatest. He took me swimming, to football games. He’d even come out here to help my mom. He charmed her to the point of almost marrying her, but she refused him. I think Mom knew she was dying, but then she hit a good patch. We all thought she’d beaten the cancer.”
“Jacks, how’d it start?”
“Paul was always touchy-feely. He slowly escalated, until one day he was…”
“I don’t need details. I’m just trying to figure out how the son of a bitch got away with it for so long. Why didn’t you tell anyone once you were an adult?”
“I was gay. My coach was fucking me. Who’d they blame? I wanted to play pro. Nothing else ever crossed my mind.” Jacks shifts in my arms. “Can we talk about something else?”
“While Olivia was mothering Jared, I had a fantasy.”
“Mothering is a fetish for you?”
“No, smart-ass.”
“Better than being a dumb-ass.”
“Will you shut up and listen to me? You’re infuriating, boy.”
“Okay, what?”
“I kinda imagined what it’d be like if we fostered Jared. I imagined us married with a kid.”
“Whoa, moving kind of fast, don’t you think?”
“Maybe. I said it was just a fantasy. Kane’s married. He loves it. He’s always pestering me about who I’m seeing and if they’re worth my time. I think you’re worth my time, Jacks.”
The rustle of sheets betrays his unease, and he turns to me. “Don’t jump the gun, Irus. You don’t know me.”
“I know I like sleeping with you in my arms.”
He doesn’t respond. I take his silence for what it is. He’s done talking. I’ve just got to let him sleep on everything. I scoot down under the blankets and spoon his warm body to me, content to give him time to think. At least he lets me cuddle him. Kane’s been the only man I ever wanted to snuggle with, and I wonder if this is a good sign. Kane would say yes.
* * * *
All morning I’ve been watching Jacks and Jared interact. This is fun, watching the kid act so tough and Jacks not buying any of it, calling the kid on his shit. At the same time, the kid’s completely enamored with Jackson. Not like in love or something. No, this is more like awe. A newly found respect for Jackson? They have too much in common. Their connection may exclude me, but it’s a club I wouldn’t ever want to join.
Right now, they’re arguing over whether a dish is clean or not. I’m content to be the ref on this one.
Jared is in full-blown whine mode. “Why do I have to do dishes?”
“You ate the food, didn’t you?” Jacks asks.
“Yeah, so?”
“In my house, everyone does something. Irus cooked the meal. I fed the scraps to the raccoons because Irus is a pussy. You do the dishes.”
Jared starts laughing at me.
“Hey, I’m not a pussy! Those things carry disease.”
“He’s a city boy. Can’t hang with the local wildlife.” Jacks smirks.
“I hang with you just fine. Come on, Jared. You gotta side with me, bro. You a city boy too.”
“Jacks scares me more, man. Sorry.”
Jared rewashes the dish. He’s willing to comply. I think his protestations are a show. Pride means a lot to disenfranchised kids. Jacks gets it and takes care of his kids with genuine love. Makes me want to be a better man for him.
“So, why aren’t you guys at practice today?”
“Coach gave us a personal day,” I say as I refill my coffee cup.
“It’s not because of me, is it?”
Jacks glances my way. “We need to get some things straightened out. Irus and I want to talk to you.”
“We’re not going to talk about the grand jury hearing, are we?”
“It might come up in the course of the day,” Jacks says delicately. “We want to talk to you about living here officially.”
“They’ll let me? Isn’t there some rule about gay guys fostering kids?” Jared asks, flushing so red, I think he is going to wind up with blood loss, have it coming out his pores.
Jacks sits at the breakfast bar with his coffee. “I don’t know. I talked to Elaine this morning. She’s going to rush some paperwork through and talk to the judge today about you staying here for a while. Does that sound all right with you?”
Jared shrugs a shoulder. I can tell the gesture hurts Jacks. If the kid would just look at him, he could see it the same way I do, or it could just be I know how much this kid means to Jacks.
“Only if you want to, Jared. I figured since you trudged all this way, you wanted to be here.”
Again Jared shrugs, but this time he looks at Jacks. “I don’t want to be disappointed when the judge says no because you’re a fag.”
“Hey now.” I push off the counter. “You don’t get to talk to him like that, boy.”
Jared’s eyes get big, and he begins to stutter.
“What’re you tryin’ to say?” I ask.
“He doesn’t mean it like that, do you, Jared?”
The kid shakes his head no and opens his mouth to speak. “I-I meant gay. I just meant gay. They’re going to say no.”
Big fucking tears well up in the kid’s green eyes. Damn it. I feel like a jerk, but I don’t know what to do when people cry. Seems to me like I’m always making them cry. Jacks gets up and stands by Jared, but he doesn’t touch him. “We have to give it a shot, right?”
Jared nods his head and blows his nose on the towel.
“Gross kid,” I say, yanking the kitchen towel out of his hands. “Go get some tissue.”
“Grab the football off the shelf in your room. We’ll go out back and practice,” Jacks hollers.
“Okay,” Jared calls from the hallway.
“Quit scaring him,” Jacks says.
“What? I’m not scaring him.”
“You made him cry.”
“I-I didn’t make him cry. He’s sensitive.”
“He’s been through a lot.”
There’s no comeback for that one, even though I know Jacks is just busting my balls for fun. The last statement is too true to be flippant.
“Yeah, well, I’m still not going to let him talk to you that way.”
Jacks’s backup phone rings as Jared comes running in with the football. We wait, suffering anxiety each in our own way as Jacks answers the call. Jared is spinning the ball in his hands, and I’m grinding my teeth as we listen to Jacks on the phone.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. This is stupid. Can we at least have him until after Thanksgiving?” Jacks paces, his eyes trained on the floor. At one point he stops to look at me. “We’ll be in New York. Is that a problem? No traveling out of state. Okay. Let me know if you can make something work, Elaine. Thanks.”
Oh God, he can’t get off the phone faster. Jared and I speak at the same time. “Well?”
Jacks stares at his phone.
“I told you
so.” Jared’s expression is one of pure dejection. “It’s because you’re gay, huh?”
“No. It’s because we’re not married.”
“What?” I start laughing. My laughter edges on the maniacal. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Isn’t that what I just said?”
“I don’t believe this idiocy. Marry me.”
“Jared, go outside,” Jacks orders.
“Are you guys going to argue now?”
“No, we are not going to argue.”
The kid gives Jacks a look of disbelief, but he heads out the slider into the backyard.
“Fuck off, Irus.”
“I can hear you,” Jared calls.
“Quit eavesdropping!” Jacks leans on the counter, scowling at me. “This is no time for jokes.”
“I’m serious. Washington State allows gay marriage, so let’s get married.”
“Oh, that won’t out you to all your fans,” Jacks says with venomous sarcasm. “Nice proposal too.”
“I don’t care about being outed.”
“Well, I do! It’s not exactly pleasant,” he yells at me, his temper just short enough to make his bark a little more of a bite.
“I don’t, damn it. It’ll mean we can keep Jared.”
“This all is going to get real ugly once the grand jury starts. The minute they arrest Paul, it’s going to be a media circus. A distraction for the whole team. Jesus, those guys like Paul. He makes everyone his friend. I’m going to be the guy who tore through two receivers’ coaches.”
“Coach Bryant always has a game plan. Look, we’re going into our bye week. Thursday’s our last game. It’s perfect. We’re prime time when we come back, so we have almost six days to ourselves with no practices. Auntie and the guys can fly out here. We can get married and sign the papers to foster Jared.”
“Wait! What? I don’t have that kind of room here for guests. There’s room enough for you, me, and Jared.”
“They can stay at my house.”
Jacks pushes off the counter, walking over to the slider to stare out at Jared. The kid means a lot to him. I could tell from day one, but now there’s so much more on the line here. Jacks bears the weight of it on his shoulders. I’m just asking to share the burden.
“Okay, fine, but no marriage.”
Fourth and Long Page 23