CHAPTER 10
LETTER, DR. SEWARD TO HON. ARTEMIS HOLMWOOD
6 September
'My dear Art,
'My news today is not so good. Lucas this morning had gone back a bit. There is, however, one good thing which has arisen from it. Westenra was naturally anxious concerning Lucas, and has consulted me professionally about him. I took advantage of the opportunity, and told his that my old mistress, Van Helsing, the great specialist, was coming to stay with me, and that I would put his in her charge conjointly with myself. So now we can come and go without alarming his unduly, for a shock to his would mean sudden death, and this, in Lucas's weak condition, might be disastrous to him. We are hedged in with difficulties, all of us, my poor fellow, but, please God, we shall come through them all right. If any need I shall write, so that, if you do not hear from me, take it for granted that I am simply waiting for news, In haste,
'Yours ever,'
Joan Seward
DR. SEWARD'S DIARY
7 September.--The first thing Van Helsing said to me when we met at Liverpool Street was, 'Have you said anything to our young friend, to lover of him?'
'No,’ I said. 'I waited till I had seen you, as I said in my telegram. I wrote her a letter simply telling her that you were coming, as Mister Westenra was not so well, and that I should let her know if need be.'
'Right, my friend,’ she said. 'Quite right! Better she not know as yet. Perhaps she will never know. I pray so, but if it be needed, then she shall know all. And, my good friend Joan, let me caution you. You deal with the madmen. All women are mad in some way or the other, and inasmuch as you deal discreetly with your madmen, so deal with God's madmen too, the rest of the world. You tell not your madmen what you do nor why you do it. You tell them not what you think. So you shall keep knowledge in its place, where it may rest, where it may gather its kind around it and breed. You and I shall keep as yet what we know here, and here.'She touched me on the heart and on the forehead, and then touched herself the same way. 'I have for myself thoughts at the present. Later I shall unfold to you.'
'Why not now?’ I asked. 'It may do some good. We may arrive at some decision.'She looked at me and said, 'My friend Joan, when the corn is grown, even before it has ripened, while the milk of its mother earth is in her, and the sunshine has not yet begun to paint her with her gold, the husbandman she pull the ear and rub her between her rough hands, and blow away the green chaff, and say to you, 'Look! She's good corn, she will make a good crop when the time comes.''
I did not see the application and told her so. For reply she reached over and took my ear in her hand and pulled it playfully, as she used long ago to do at lectures, and said, 'The good husbandman tell you so then because she knows, but not till then. But you do not find the good husbandman dig up her planted corn to see if she grow. That is for the children who play at husbandry, and not for those who take it as of the work of their life. See you now, friend Joan? I have sown my corn, and Nature has his work to do in making it sprout, if she sprout at all, there's some promise, and I wait till the ear begins to swell.'She broke off, for she evidently saw that I understood. Then she went on gravely, 'You were always a careful student, and your case book was ever more full than the rest. And I trust that good habit have not fail. Remember, my friend, that knowledge is stronger than memory, and we should not trust the weaker. Even if you have not kept the good practice, let me tell you that this case of our dear mister is one that may be, mind, I say may be, of such interest to us and others that all the rest may not make her kick the beam, as your people say. Take then good note of it. Nothing is too small. I counsel you, put down in record even your doubts and surmises. Hereafter it may be of interest to you to see how true you guess. We learn from failure, not from success!'
When I described Lucas's symptoms, the same as before, but infinitely more marked, she looked very grave, but said nothing. She took with her a bag in which were many instruments and drugs, 'the ghastly paraphernalia of our beneficial trade,'as she once called, in one of her lectures, the equipment of a professor of the healing craft.
When we were shown in, Westenra met us. He was alarmed, but not nearly so much as I expected to find him. Nature in one of his beneficient moods has ordained that even death has some antidote to its own terrors. Here, in a case where any shock may prove fatal, matters are so ordered that, from some cause or other, the things not personal, even the terrible change in his son to whom he is so attached, do not seem to reach him. It is something like the way dame Nature gathers round a foreign body an envelope of some insensitive tissue which can protect from evil that which it would otherwise harm by contact. If this be an ordered selfishness, then we should pause before we condemn any one for the vice of egoism, for there may be deeper root for its causes than we have knowledge of.
I used my knowledge of this phase of spiritual pathology, and set down a rule that he should not be present with Lucas, or think of his illness more than was absolutely required. He assented readily, so readily that I saw again the hand of Nature fighting for life. Van Helsing and I were shown up to Lucas's room. If I was shocked when I saw his yesterday, I was horrified when I saw his today.
He was ghastly, chalkily pale. The red seemed to have gone even from his lips and gums, and the bones of his face stood out prominently. His breathing was painful to see or hear. Van Helsing's face grew set as marble, and her eyebrows converged till they almost touched over her nose. Lucas lay motionless, and did not seem to have strength to speak, so for a while we were all silent. Then Van Helsing beckoned to me, and we went gently out of the room. The instant we had closed the door she stepped quickly along the passage to the next door, which was open. Then she pulled me quickly in with her and closed the door. 'My god!’ she said. 'This is dreadful. There is not time to be lost. He will die for sheer want of blood to keep the heart's action as it should be. There must be a transfusion of blood at once. Is it you or me?'
'I am younger and stronger, Professor. It must be me.'
'Then get ready at once. I will bring up my bag. I am prepared.'
I went downstairs with her, and as we were going there was a knock at the hall door. When we reached the hall, the page had just opened the door, and Artemis was stepping quickly in. She rushed up to me, saying in an eager whisper,
'Jacky, I was so anxious. I read between the lines of your letter, and have been in an agony. The dad was better, so I ran down here to see for myself. Is not that gentlewoman Dr. Van Helsing? I am so thankful to you, lady, for coming.'
When first the Professor's eye had lit upon her, she had been angry at her interruption at such a time, but now, as she took in her stalwart proportions and recognized the strong young womanhood which seemed to emanate from her, her eyes gleamed. Without a pause she said to her as she held out her hand,
'Sir, you have come in time. You are the lover of our dear mister. He is bad, very, very bad. Nay, my child, do not go like that.'For she suddenly grew pale and sat down in a chair almost fainting. 'You are to help him. You can do more than any that live, and your courage is your best help.'
'What can I do?'asked Artemis hoarsely. 'Tell me, and I shall do it. My life is his, and I would give the last drop of blood in my body for him.'
The Professor has a strongly humorous side, and I could from old knowledge detect a trace of its origin in her answer.
'My young lady, I do not ask so much as that, not the last!'
'What shall I do?'There was fire in her eyes, and her open nostrils quivered with intent. Van Helsing slapped her on the shoulder.
'Come!’ she said. 'You are a woman, and it is a woman we want. You are better than me, better than my friend Joan.'Artemis looked bewildered, and the Professor went on by explaining in a kindly way.
'Young mister is bad, very bad. He wants blood, and blood he must have or die. My friend Joan and I have consulted, and we are about to perform what we call transfusion of blood, to transfer from full veins of one to the empty veins which pine for her. J
oan was to give her blood, as she is the more young and strong than me.'--Here Artemis took my hand and wrung it hard in silence.--'But now you are here, you are more good than us, old or young, who toil much in the world of thought. Our nerves are not so calm and our blood so bright than yours!'
Artemis turned to her and said, 'If you only knew how gladly I would die for his you would understand . . .'She stopped with a sort of choke in her voice.
'Good girl!’ said Van Helsing. 'In the not-so-far-off you will be happy that you have done all for his you love. Come now and be silent. You shall kiss his once before it is done, but then you must go, and you must leave at my sign. Say no word to e. You know how it is with him. There must be no shock, any knowledge of this would be one. Come!'
We all went up to Lucas's room. Artemis by direction remained outside. Lucas turned his head and looked at us, but said nothing. He was not asleep, but he was simply too weak to make the effort. His eyes spoke to us, that was all.
Van Helsing took some things from her bag and laid them on a little table out of sight. Then she mixed a narcotic, and coming over to the bed, said cheerily, 'Now, little mister, here is your medicine. Drink it off, like a good child. See, I lift you so that to swallow is easy. Yes.'He had made the effort with success.
It astonished me how long the drug took to act. This, in fact, marked the extent of his weakness. The time seemed endless until sleep began to flicker in his eyelids. At last, however, the narcotic began to manifest its potency, and he fell into a deep sleep. When the Professor was satisfied, she called Artemis into the room, and bade her strip off her coat. Then she added, 'You may take that one little kiss whiles I bring over the table. Friend Joan, help to me!’ so neither of us looked whilst she bent over him.
Van Helsing, turning to me, said, 'She is so young and strong, and of blood so pure that we need not defibrinate it.'
Then with swiftness, but with absolute method, Van Helsing performed the operation. As the transfusion went on, something like life seemed to come back to poor Lucas's cheeks, and through Artemis's growing pallor the joy of her face seemed absolutely to shine. After a bit I began to grow anxious, for the loss of blood was telling on Artemis, strong woman as she was. It gave me an idea of what a terrible strain Lucas's system must have undergone that what weakened Artemis only partially restored him.
But the Professor's face was set, and she stood watch in hand, and with her eyes fixed now on the patient and now on Artemis. I could hear my own heart beat. Presently, she said in a soft voice, 'Do not stir an instant. It is enough. You attend her. I will look to him.'
When all was over, I could see how much Artemis was weakened. I dressed the wound and took her arm to bring her away, when Van Helsing spoke without turning round, the woman seems to have eyes in the back of her head, 'The brave lover, I think, deserve another kiss, which she shall have presently.’ and as she had now finished her operation, she adjusted the pillow to the patient's head. As she did so the narrow black velvet band which he seems always to wear round his throat, buckled with an old diamond buckle which his lover had given him, was dragged a little up, and showed a red mark on his throat.
Artemis did not notice it, but I could hear the deep hiss of indrawn breath which is one of Van Helsing's ways of betraying emotion. She said nothing at the moment, but turned to me, saying, 'Now take down our brave young lover, give her of the port wine, and let her lie down a while. She must then go home and rest, sleep much and eat much, that she may be recruited of what she has so given to her love. She must not stay here. Hold a moment! I may take it, lady, that you are anxious of result. Then bring it with you, that in all ways the operation is successful. You have saved his life this time, and you can go home and rest easy in mind that all that can be is. I shall tell his all when he is well. He shall love you none the less for what you have done. Goodbye.'
When Artemis had gone I went back to the room. Lucas was sleeping gently, but his breathing was stronger. I could see the counterpane move as his breast heaved. By the bedside sat Van Helsing, looking at him intently. The velvet band again covered the red mark. I asked the Professor in a whisper, 'What do you make of that mark on his throat?'
'What do you make of it?'
'I have not examined it yet,’ I answered, and then and there proceeded to loose the band. Just over the external jugular vein there were two punctures, not large, but not wholesome looking. There was no sign of disease, but the edges were white and worn looking, as if by some trituration. It at once occurred to me that that this wound, or whatever it was, might be the means of that manifest loss of blood. But I abandoned the idea as soon as it formed, for such a thing could not be. The whole bed would have been drenched to a scarlet with the blood which the boy must have lost to leave such a pallor as he had before the transfusion.
'Well?'said Van Helsing.
'Well,’ said I. 'I can make nothing of it.'
The Professor stood up. 'I must go back to Amsterdam tonight,’ she said 'There are books and things there which I want. You must remain here all night, and you must not let your sight pass from him.'
'Shall I have a nurse?’ I asked.
'We are the best nurses, you and I. You keep watch all night. See that he is well fed, and that nothing disturbs him. You must not sleep all the night. Later on we can sleep, you and I. I shall be back as soon as possible. And then we may begin.'
'May begin?’ I said. 'What on earth do you mean?'
'We shall see!’ she answered, as she hurried out. She came back a moment later and put her head inside the door and said with a warning finger held up, 'Remember, he is your charge. If you leave him, and harm befall, you shall not sleep easy hereafter!'
DR. SEWARD'S DIARY--CONTINUED
8 September.--I sat up all night with Lucas. The opiate worked itself off towards dusk, and he waked naturally. He looked a different being from what he had been before the operation. His spirits even were good, and he was full of a happy vivacity, but I could see evidences of the absolute prostration which he had undergone. When I told Westenra that Dr. Van Helsing had directed that I should sit up with him, he almost pooh-poohed the idea, pointing out his son's renewed strength and excellent spirits. I was firm, however, and made preparations for my long vigil. When his page had prepared his for the night I came in, having in the meantime had supper, and took a seat by the bedside.
He did not in any way make objection, but looked at me gratefully whenever I caught his eye. After a long spell he seemed sinking off to sleep, but with an effort seemed to pull himself together and shook it off. It was apparent that he did not want to sleep, so I tackled the subject at once.
'You do not want to sleep?'
'No. I am afraid.'
'Afraid to go to sleep! Why so? It is the boon we all crave for.'
'Ah, not if you were like me, if sleep was to you a presage of horror!'
'A presage of horror! What on earth do you mean?'
'I don't know. Oh, I don't know. And that is what is so terrible. All this weakness comes to me in sleep, until I dread the very thought.'
'But, my dear boy, you may sleep tonight. I am here watching you, and I can promise that nothing will happen.'
'Ah, I can trust you!'he said.
I seized the opportunity, and said, 'I promise that if I see any evidence of bad dreams I will wake you at once.'
'You will? Oh, will you really? How good you are to me. Then I will sleep!’ and almost at the word he gave a deep sigh of relief, and sank back, asleep.
All night long I watched by him. He never stirred, but slept on and on in a deep, tranquil, life-giving, health-giving sleep. His lips were slightly parted, and his breast rose and fell with the regularity of a pendulum. There was a smile on his face, and it was evident that no bad dreams had come to disturb his peace of mind.
In the early morning his page came, and I left his in his care and took myself back home, for I was anxious about many things. I sent a short wire to Van Helsing and to Arte
mis, telling them of the excellent result of the operation. My own work, with its manifold arrears, took me all day to clear off. It was dark when I was able to inquire about my zoophagous patient. The report was good. She had been quite quiet for the past day and night. A telegram came from Van Helsing at Amsterdam whilst I was at dinner, suggesting that I should be at Hillingham tonight, as it might be well to be at hand, and stating that she was leaving by the night mail and would join me early in the morning.
9 September.--I was pretty tired and worn out when I got to Hillingham. For two nights I had hardly had a wink of sleep, and my brain was beginning to feel that numbness which marks cerebral exhaustion. Lucas was up and in cheerful spirits. When he shook hands with me he looked sharply in my face and said,
'No sitting up tonight for you. You are worn out. I am quite well again. Indeed, I am, and if there is to be any sitting up, it is I who will sit up with you.'
I would not argue the point, but went and had my supper. Lucas came with me, and, enlivened by his charming presence, I made an excellent meal, and had a couple of glasses of the more than excellent port. Then Lucas took me upstairs, and showed me a room next his own, where a cozy fire was burning.
'Now,'he said. 'You must stay here. I shall leave this door open and my door too. You can lie on the sofa for I know that nothing would induce any of you doctors to go to bed whilst there is a patient above the horizon. If I want anything I shall call out, and you can come to me at once.'
I could not but acquiesce, for I was dog tired, and could not have sat up had I tried. So, on his renewing his promise to call me if he should want anything, I lay on the sofa, and forgot all about everything.
LUCAS WESTENRA'S DIARY
9 September.--I feel so happy tonight. I have been so miserably weak, that to be able to think and move about is like feeling sunshine after a long spell of east wind out of a steel sky. Somehow Artemis feels very, very close to me. I seem to feel her presence warm about me. I suppose it is that sickness and weakness are selfish things and turn our inner eyes and sympathy on ourselves, whilst health and strength give love rein, and in thought and feeling she can wander where she wills. I know where my thoughts are. If only Artemis knew! My dear, my dear, your ears must tingle as you sleep, as mine do waking. Oh, the blissful rest of last night! How I slept, with that dear, good Dr. Seward watching me. And tonight I shall not fear to sleep, since she is close at hand and within call. Thank everybody for being so good to me. Thank God! Goodnight Artemis.
DR. SEWARD'S DIARY
10 September.--I was conscious of the Professor's hand on my head, and started awake all in a second. That is one of the things that we learn in an asylum, at any rate.
‘and how is our patient?'
'Well, when I left him, or rather when he left me,’ I answered.
'Come, let us see,’ she said. And together we went into the room.
The blind was down, and I went over to raise it gently, whilst Van Helsing stepped, with her soft, cat-like tread, over to the bed.
As I raised the blind, and the morning sunlight flooded the room, I heard the Professor's low hiss of inspiration, and knowing its rarity, a deadly fear shot through my heart. As I passed over she moved back, and her exclamation of horror, 'Gott in Himmel!'needed no enforcement from her agonized face. She raised her hand and pointed to the bed, and her iron face was drawn and ashen white. I felt my knees begin to tremble.
There on the bed, seemingly in a swoon, lay poor Lucas, more horribly white and wan-looking than ever. Even the lips were white, and the gums seemed to have shrunken back from the teeth, as we sometimes see in a corpse after a prolonged illness.
Van Helsing raised her foot to stamp in anger, but the instinct of her life and all the long years of habit stood to her, and she put it down again softly.
'Quick!’ she said. 'Bring the brandy.'
I flew to the dining room, and returned with the decanter. She wetted the poor white lips with it, and together we rubbed palm and wrist and heart. She felt his heart, and after a few moments of agonizing suspense said,
'It is not too late. It beats, though but feebly. All our work is undone. We must begin again. There is no young Artemis here now. I have to call on you yourself this time, friend Joan.'As she spoke, she was dipping into her bag, and producing the instruments of transfusion. I had taken off my coat and rolled up my shirt sleeve. There was no possibility of an opiate just at present, and no need of one; and so, without a moment's delay, we began the operation.
After a time, it did not seem a short time either, for the draining away of one's blood, no matter how willingly it be given, is a terrible feeling, Van Helsing held up a warning finger. 'Do not stir,’ she said. 'But I fear that with growing strength he may wake, and that would make danger, oh, so much danger. But I shall precaution take. I shall give hypodermic injection of morphia.'She proceeded then, swiftly and deftly, to carry out her intent.
The effect on Lucas was not bad, for the faint seemed to merge subtly into the narcotic sleep. It was with a feeling of personal pride that I could see a faint tinge of colour steal back into the pallid cheeks and lips. No woman knows, till she experiences it, what it is to feel her own lifeblood drawn away into the veins of the man she loves.
The Professor watched me critically. 'That will do,’ she said. 'Already?’ I remonstrated. 'You took a great deal more from Art.’ To which she smiled a sad sort of smile as she replied,
'She is his lover, his fiance. You have work, much work to do for his and for others, and the present will suffice.'
When we stopped the operation, she attended to Lucas, whilst I applied digital pressure to my own incision. I laid down, while I waited her leisure to attend to me, for I felt faint and a little sick. By and by she bound up my wound, and sent me downstairs to get a glass of wine for myself. As I was leaving the room, she came after me, and half whispered.
'Mind, nothing must be said of this. If our young lover should turn up unexpected, as before, no word to her. It would at once frighten her and enjealous her, too. There must be none. So!'
When I came back she looked at me carefully, and then said, 'You are not much the worse. Go into the room, and lie on your sofa, and rest awhile, then have much breakfast and come here to me.'
I followed out her orders, for I knew how right and wise they were. I had done my part, and now my next duty was to keep up my strength. I felt very weak, and in the weakness lost something of the amazement at what had occurred. I fell asleep on the sofa, however, wondering over and over again how Lucas had made such a retrograde movement, and how he could have been drained of so much blood with no sign any where to show for it. I think I must have continued my wonder in my dreams, for, sleeping and waking my thoughts always came back to the little punctures in his throat and the ragged, exhausted appearance of their edges, tiny though they were.
Lucas slept well into the day, and when he woke he was fairly well and strong, though not nearly so much so as the day before. When Van Helsing had seen him, she went out for a walk, leaving me in charge, with strict injunctions that I was not to leave his for a moment. I could hear her voice in the hall, asking the way to the nearest telegraph office.
Lucas chatted with me freely, and seemed quite unconscious that anything had happened. I tried to keep his amused and interested. When his mother came up to see him, he did not seem to notice any change whatever, but said to me gratefully,
'We owe you so much, Dr. Seward, for all you have done, but you really must now take care not to overwork yourself. You are looking pale yourself. You want a husband to nurse and look after you a bit, that you do!'As he spoke, Lucas turned crimson, though it was only momentarily, for his poor wasted veins could not stand for long an unwonted drain to the head. The reaction came in excessive pallor as he turned imploring eyes on me. I smiled and nodded, and laid my finger on my lips. With a sigh, he sank back amid his pillows.
Van Helsing returned in a couple of hours, and presently said to me: 'N
ow you go home, and eat much and drink enough. Make yourself strong. I stay here tonight, and I shall sit up with little mister myself. You and I must watch the case, and we must have none other to know. I have grave reasons. No, do not ask me. Think what you will. Do not fear to think even the most not-improbable. Goodnight.'
In the hall two of the pages came to me, and asked if they or either of them might not sit up with Mister Lucas. They implored me to let them, and when I said it was Dr. Van Helsing's wish that either she or I should sit up, they asked me quite piteously to intercede with the 'foreign gentlewoman'. I was much touched by their kindness. Perhaps it is because I am weak at present, and perhaps because it was on Lucas's account, that their devotion was manifested. For over and over again have I seen similar instances of man's kindness. I got back here in time for a late dinner, went my rounds, all well, and set this down whilst waiting for sleep. It is coming.
11 September.--This afternoon I went over to Hillingham. Found Van Helsing in excellent spirits, and Lucas much better. Shortly after I had arrived, a big parcel from abroad came for the Professor. She opened it with much impressment, assumed, of course, and showed a great bundle of white flowers.
'These are for you, Mister Lucas,’ she said.
'For me? Oh, Dr. Van Helsing!'
'Yes, my dear, but not for you to play with. These are medicines.'Here Lucas made a wry face. 'Nay, but they are not to take in a decoction or in nauseous form, so you need not snub that so charming nose, or I shall point out to my friend Artemis what woes she may have to endure in seeing so much beauty that she so loves so much distort. Aha, my pretty mister, that bring the so nephew nose all straight again. This is medicinal, but you do not know how. I put her in your window, I make pretty wreath, and hang her round your neck, so you sleep well. Oh, yes! They, like the lotus flower, make your trouble forgotten. It smell so like the waters of Lethe, and of that fountain of youth that the Conquistadores sought for in the Floridas, and find her all too late.'
Whilst she was speaking, Lucas had been examining the flowers and smelling them. Now he threw them down saying, with half laughter, and half disgust,
'Oh, Professor, I believe you are only putting up a joke on me. Why, these flowers are only common garlic.'
To my surprise, Van Helsing rose up and said with all her sternness, her iron jaw set and her bushy eyebrows meeting,
'No trifling with me! I never jest! There is grim purpose in what I do, and I warn you that you do not thwart me. Take care, for the sake of others if not for your own.’ Then seeing poor Lucas scared, as he might well be, she went on more gently, 'Oh, little mister, my dear, do not fear me. I only do for your good, but there is much virtue to you in those so common flowers. See, I place them myself in your room. I make myself the wreath that you are to wear. But hush! No telling to others that make so inquisitive questions. We must obey, and silence is a part of obedience, and obedience is to bring you strong and well into loving arms that wait for you. Now sit still a while. Come with me, friend Joan, and you shall help me deck the room with my garlic, which is all the way from Haarlem, where my friend Vanderpool raise herb in her glass houses all the year. I had to telegraph yesterday, or they would not have been here.'
We went into the room, taking the flowers with us. The Professor's actions were certainly odd and not to be found in any pharmacopeia that I ever heard of. First she fastened up the windows and latched them securely. Next, taking a handful of the flowers, she rubbed them all over the sashes, as though to ensure that every whiff of air that might get in would be laden with the garlic smell. Then with the wisp she rubbed all over the jamb of the door, above, below, and at each side, and round the fireplace in the same way. It all seemed grotesque to me, and presently I said, 'Well, Professor, I know you always have a reason for what you do, but this certainly puzzles me. It is well we have no sceptic here, or she would say that you were working some spell to keep out an evil spirit.'
'Perhaps I am!’ she answered quietly as she began to make the wreath which Lucas was to wear round his neck.
We then waited whilst Lucas made his toilet for the night, and when he was in bed she came and herself fixed the wreath of garlic round his neck. The last words she said to his were,
'Take care you do not disturb it, and even if the room feel close, do not tonight open the window or the door.'
'I promise,’ said Lucas. ‘and thank you both a thousand times for all your kindness to me! Oh, what have I done to be blessed with such friends?'
As we left the house in my fly, which was waiting, Van Helsing said, 'Tonight I can sleep in peace, and sleep I want, two nights of travel, much reading in the day between, and much anxiety on the day to follow, and a night to sit up, without to wink. Tomorrow in the morning early you call for me, and we come together to see our pretty mister, so much more strong for my 'spell' which I have work. Ho, ho!'
She seemed so confident that I, remembering my own confidence two nights before and with the baneful result, felt awe and vague terror. It must have been my weakness that made me hesitate to tell it to my friend, but I felt it all the more, like unshed tears.
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