Tell Me a Secret

by Ann Everett

  “Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Kyle asked.

  He rolled past him, still red faced and angry. “Just leave and let me read my letter.”

  Dear Jace,

  I’ll try to make this worth the trip to the mailbox.

  What? She’s playing me, and Mom and Kyle are in on it? Jace shook his head, then stared at the pink paper.

  What are you afraid of? What’s your worst fear? I want you to think about that. Are you afraid I’ll stop loving you? I won’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. Up until a few minutes ago, you were afraid to go outside. Now you’ve conquered that. I hope you feel better. I do, knowing you did it. You told me to find someone else and make a new life. There’s one problem. I would have to give them my heart, and I don’t have it anymore. I gave it to you a long time ago and you still have it. You always will.

  You see, Jace, since you’re the only man I’ve ever loved, I don’t know how to love anybody else.

  Do me a favor. Take Heisman for a walk. He needs you as much as you need him and I need you both.

  Maggie

  Journal Secret

  Loving him is like breathing. Easy, natural, necessary. I love the sight of him, his scent, touch, kisses, teasing. I’ve never felt this way before. I wonder if this is what my mother searched for her entire life. If it was, I’m sorry she never found it.

  They were only words on paper. Reality was different. It might take her a while to reclaim her heart, but she could do it. He’d force her. His heart was a different story. She’d always have it and he didn’t want it back.

  He went to the phone and dialed his mom again. “Sorry I yelled at you.”

  “That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it.”

  “Would you bring Heisman? I’m going to take him for a walk.”

  “Your dad and brother are here for lunch, I’ll send him with Jared. Heisman will love it.”

  Ten minutes later, the dog ran in and pounced on Maggie’s side of the bed, jumped down, spun around, and ran from room to room.

  “Come, boy. She’s not here,” Jace called.

  Jared stepped in. “Hey Kyle,” he said and faced his brother. “Thank God, you’ve decided to get out of this house.”

  “Yeah, it’s time I do something besides sit around all the time. That’s a joke in case you missed it.”

  “Yeah, I got it. You seem to be in a good mood, so this may be the right time to talk to you about a proposition.”

  “What?” The dog came, rested his head in Jace’s lap and whined. “Yeah, I miss her too, boy.”

  Big brother moved closer. “One of the main reasons you asked her to leave was because she wants kids and now you can’t have any, or at least, chances are slim. DNA wise, I’m as close to you as anybody can be.”

  Jace cut him off short, his blood simmered. “You’d love that, wouldn’t you? Father a child with her. Hell, that’s probably been one of your little fantasies.”

  Heisman ran under the bed.

  “Stop right there. I’m not asking to sleep with her. I’m talking artificial insemination. Until the accident, you and I had gotten close again. I miss that. Can’t you see I’m offering this because I love you and I can’t bear to see you suffer? Are you so eaten up with guilt, you’re using infertility as an excuse so you never have to tell her the truth?”

  “Shut up!” He fisted his hands and caused Jared to stumble backwards.

  Kyle walked to stand next to Jace. “Calm down.”

  He ignored him and rolled closer. “I didn’t screw around on her! Okay? I didn’t. But I was on my way to doing just that.” His chest heaved; he ran his fingers through his hair. The thought of how close he’d come to having the last sex of his life with a woman he didn’t give a shit about made him sick to his stomach. “You don’t understand. We’d been trying to get pregnant for so long, I was tired of it. I was nothing but stud service.” He clutched the arms of his chair, gasped for air, and spit the words. “And then there was Amanda. She kept coming on to me and for the first time in months, I felt wanted for more than a baby. I made a bad decision.”

  “Oh. I get it.”

  “No, you don’t. You don’t know what it’s like when you can’t give your wife the one thing she wants most in the world. I couldn’t get her pregnant, and that’s all she thought about.”

  “Don’t you dare put this on her. You’re the one at fault, so man up, and own it.”

  Jace stiffened and gripped the chair arms until his knuckles turned white.

  “Both of you take a breath,” Kyle said.

  “You’re an idiot, Jace!”

  “Yeah, I am. Don’t you think I know that? It’s on my mind constantly. But haven’t I been punished enough? I’m stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and I’ve given up the only woman I’ll ever love. And now you want to give me your kid, so I can look at him every day and reinforce the fact you gave her what I never could.”

  Jared waved his arms in the air. “Hell, I can’t win with you!”

  “Boys!” Mom appeared in the doorway. “I can hear you all the way over to our house. What is going on?”

  “I give up, Mom. Jace takes everything I say wrong. I’m done.” He bolted to the door, then stopped and turned to face his brother and punctuated the air with his finger. “Here’s what I know. You love her and she loves you. But if you keep refusing to reconcile, she’ll eventually move on with her life. When that happens, are those letters going to be enough?”

  It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble.

  It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

  ~Mark Twain

  Pure torture, Maggie decided as the mingled scents of candied apples, funnel cakes, and cotton candy drifted to her. From her hotel balcony, she could see the lights, hear children’s laughter coming from the church carnival, and the sound made her happy. What the hell? She’d endured it long enough. It was Halloween, after all. It’d be Valentine’s Day before she had a legitimate excuse to eat candy again.

  The church bell chimed. Time to get into costume. She didn’t understand why she agreed to accompany Beth Ann and her two nephews trick-or-treating. Maybe because it was nice to have a friend who didn’t know everything about her. But who was she kidding? This was the perfect opportunity to see Jace.

  She’d not intended to lie, but found it easier not to go into detail. She was just getting acquainted with her new friend, so personal information trickled out a little at a time. Beth Ann’s parents were divorced and a brother, also divorced.

  Maggie shared that her parents were both deceased and she had no siblings, and after Friday, by choice, she’d be an unemployed nurse. She’d managed not to discuss her marriage predicament. Actually, Beth Ann wasn’t aware of Maggie’s real name. Before going inside, she glanced once more at the church sign. Their slogans were a high-point every week. The devil’s trick is no treat. Chuckling, she went into the bedroom to put on the costume.

  Later, when she answered the door and found her Halloween partner in a Charlie Chaplain get-up, she couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh my goodness, you look great.”

  Beth Ann’s brown eyes widened. “Wow! When you said you were going as a clown, I had no idea you meant full-on painted face, rubber nose and rainbow wig. You are colorful!”

  “Thanks. I thought after we picked up your nephews, we could swing over by Elm and hit a few houses there, then come back to the church carnival. My mouth is watering for a blue cloud of cotton candy melting on my tongue.”

  “That sounds great. The boys are with their mother, and as much as I hate to see that slut, that’s where they are.”

  “I take it you’re not fond of your ex-sister-in-law.”

  “That’s an understatement.”

  As they drove across town, Maggie chit-chatted. “How’s the decorating job for Mrs. Collier going?”

  “Well, the peacocks came in and the workers got them mounted today. They look absolutely horrible.”

&
nbsp; Maggie laughed, and noticed her surroundings as they approached Frankfort and Sixty-Third Street. Laughter faded. She took a deep breath and choked back tears.

  “Are you all right?”

  Her hands trembled. She pinched the bridge of her nose and tried not to cry. “I’m sorry. This next intersection is where a bad accident occurred. I was working when they brought him into the hospital.”

  “Yeah, I heard about that. My ex-sister-in-law used to date that guy in college and recently went to work in his office at Tech.”

  Maggie pinched harder and tried to focus on the passing landscape. Light headed, she rolled down the window and hung her head out, her rainbow wig flying in the wind like a gay-pride flag.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah, I will be. I haven’t eaten much today. I got a little queasy. Carsick, I guess.”

  Once they pulled into the drive, Maggie waited where she sat. When the blond, busty woman stepped onto the porch with a miniature Batman and Robin in tow, Maggie’s stomach churned. Definitely Jace’s former type. Barbie deluxe. She fought the urge to get out and assault the woman. Bitch. She took a deep breath and pushed the anger away. Getting furious wasn’t healthy.

  “Okay, boys,” their aunt announced as she buckled them in, “This is my friend.”

  “Coco-the-Clown,” Maggie interrupted. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  Beth Ann smiled. “Okay, Coco, this is Jackson and Caleb, aka Batman and Robin.”

  Coco produced two suckers from her polka-dotted pocket and handed them to the boys. “Here’s your first treat. Are y’all ready to get some more?”

  “Yeah!”

  Two hours later, after parking in front of the Sloan address the boys ran to ring the bell. John and Elizabeth treated the Dynamic Duo and waved to Maggie and Beth Ann waiting at the end of the sidewalk. Once the boys rejoined them, they crossed the lawn to Maggie’s house.

  When Kyle opened the door, Heisman rocketed past him and made a beeline to Maggie. Before she gave him time to jump, she knelt and opened her arms. Cupping his face, she whispered. “Hey boy, you taking good care of Jace?”

  He buried his nose in her chest, his tail beating the ground like a snare drum. He gave a big long lick up her cheek, coated his tongue with makeup, and ran toward the house, then back to her, as if telling her to follow.

  “Heisman! Come here, boy!” Jace called from the doorway.

  She nudged the dog. “Go. Go to him. I can’t come with you.”

  She rose to full height and stared at her husband. He looked good. Better than the last time. It took all her determination not to run and throw her arms around him. For a moment, she forgot how to breathe and then he spoke to her.

  “Sorry! He doesn’t usually act like this. I don’t know what got into him.”

  She held up her hand, palm out and waved, then returned to the car and as they drove away, she watched through the side mirror. Jace rolled to the end of the sidewalk, and stared after them.

  Maggie scrubbed for over an hour to remove the clown makeup and wash and dry her hair. The boys enjoyed the carnival, but not her. Somehow, by the time they got there, her appetite for sweets waned. Instead, she’d settled for a cup of hot chocolate, afraid she wouldn’t be able to keep anything else down.

  Earlier, Beth Ann brought the niggling in Maggie’s mind to the forefront. The location of the wreck. The woman who lived there. Her connection to Jace.

  Maggie tossed and turned, fluffed her pillow, kicked off the cover, rolled to her left, and then her right. Finally, she flopped onto her back, gently rubbed her belly, and admitted what she’d feared all along.

  At first, she cried softly and then tears came harder and faster, until she grabbed the extra pillow and covered her face to drown her moans. Once the downpour ended, she told herself to think logically and consider the facts.

  Okay, Amanda Blevins had custody of Jackson and Caleb, while their dad, only had them two weekends a month. Neither boy recognized Jace. So if he spent time with their mother, it wasn’t while they were there.

  Questions flooded her brain. Did Jace make excuses to leave early or stay late at work? No. Any incriminating evidence which pointed to an affair? Receipts. Emails. Telephone hang-ups? No. Ever caught him in a lie? No. But sex hadn’t been good because of the pressure she’d put on him. Then there was the argument the day of the crash. He’d said he needed a break and although he’d indicated not from her, she’d gotten the feeling that’s what he meant but was afraid to say. Was their marriage already in trouble and if so was a third party involved? Is that the real reason he sent me away? He doesn’t love me anymore? No. He still loved her. That last kiss proved it.

  She cleared her head. She wasn’t going to dwell on it, because now, it was more important than ever to get him to ask her to come home.

  There’s no future in loving a dead man.

  ~Jimmy Perkins

  The days were long, but the nights were longer, and as darkness descended upon the world, Jace fell into his own gloom. A sucking black hole of despair encircled him until he couldn’t breathe. The only thing that kept him going was the promise of morning and her daily letter.

  He woke to the whirling, moaning sounds of a West Texas dust storm. Once it passed, dirt hung in the air like a curtain draped over the entire city, the smell of earth clung to the walls of his nostrils.

  Until now, the boundaries of his landscape extended down the porch ramp, onto the sidewalk straight to the mailbox and back. His morning routine.

  He reached inside the box and found the pale pink envelope, held it to his nose, breathed it in and let her scent settle on him.

  When he returned to his room, he ran the silver opener under the flap, rendered a clean cut, and removed the folded paper.

  Dear Jace,

  Tonight, at nine o’clock, I’ll be outside looking toward heaven. I hope you will too. Just knowing we’re gazing at the moon and stars at the same time, will comfort me. Do you remember lying on the porch, at your parent’s house, staring at the heavens? It’s one of my fondest memories, kissing you under a blanket of stars. Have your mom spread a quilt for you. Think of me. I’ll be thinking of you.

  Maggie

  P.S. Jimmy Perkins is in the hospital. He’d enjoy a visit.

  Journal Secret

  He does the most sensual thing. As we fall asleep, he holds my hand. Somehow, I know he’s never done that with anyone else.

  He smiled and thought how the hand-holding was as much for his benefit as hers. The simple truth, she was the only woman who held his hand and heart. The star gaze memory caused him to laugh out loud. He wheeled to the window and looked toward the house where he grew up.

  “I like the sound of that.” Kyle folded arms across his chest and leaned against the door jamb. “Your wife must have said something funny.”

  Jace smiled and thought back to the first Christmas Eve he spent with Maggie. The temperature fell to a bone-chilling fifteen degrees. It was crazy to even be outside. But there they were, bundled from head to toe, lying on a quilt at midnight.

  He closed his eyes and could see it as if it happened yesterday. She’d never been much of a drinker, but they swigged wine, passing the bottle back and forth. Heisman snuggled against her, resting his head on her lap, perfectly still except for shifting his eyes watching the exchange. Gazing at the stars for a long time, neither spoke, until she broke the silence.

  “Aren’t the stars magnificent? They’re angels, you know.”

  “What, the stars?”

  “Yeah. They’re angels and they shine so brightly because their souls are happy.”

  “So a falling star is an unhappy angel?”

  “No, silly. A falling star is an angel coming to earth to take human form to help somebody who needs it.”

  He nudged her with his elbow. “Did you read that in a story?”

  “No, I believe it. If I could be anything in the universe, except human, I’d want to be a star i
n God’s heaven. They provide light where there’s darkness. Romance for lovers. Inspiration for poets. Direction for lost travelers. Wonderment for children. Who wouldn’t want to be a star?”

  Jace considered her drunken statement for a moment, and then without warning, she bolted straight up and started to sing Deep in the Heart of Texas, punctuating the song with hand claps.

  She sang at the top of her lungs and he laughed his ass off. Next, Heisman started to howl. Then, as quickly as the song began, she stopped. “Do you know why dogs howl at the moon?”

  He couldn’t answer for laughing so hard, so he just wagged his head.

  She pulled her knees to her chest. “One theory is they’re lonely and they want to hear other dogs answer. Some think they’re calling their mate, and some imagine it’s their way of praying. I googled it.” Then she rolled to her knees, took another long sip, and said, “Let’s howl at the moon.”

  Jace hadn’t recovered from her performance, but managed to say, baby, you’re drunk. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him. “No, I’m not. C’mon, let’s do it.” She patted Heisman. “You’ll join me, won’t you boy?” Then, she threw her head back and made the most god awful sound. Poor Heisman pointed his nose toward heaven and wailed with her, and within a minute, every canine in the neighborhood joined the chorus.

  Jace panicked. Neighbors turned on porch lights and opened doors. He bear-hugged her and kissed her hard to stop the performance. When he finally let her come up for air, she laughed. “You should have howled. It was liberating.”

  “Yeah, well in the morning you’ll be doing a different kind of howling.”