by Ann Everett
Her wild red hair ruffled beneath her winter cap. Those green eyes big as marbles and her skin glowed like she’d been sprinkled with moon-dust. He’d never seen a woman more beautiful. He already loved her, but at that moment, he realized he wanted to marry her. The next day he bought a ring.
The story was too good not to share. When he finished telling it, Kyle said, “You’ve got to let her come home, man.”
“I can’t. I’m no good for her anymore.”
As hard as Jace tried, he couldn’t shake the memory from his mind. By nine p.m., with the dust settled and the night sky cloudless, he lay on a quilt on his parent’s deck. A blanket of angels, millions of them, hung above him like bright shining Christmas ornaments. He closed his eyes and thought of Maggie. When he opened them, a shooting star raced across the sky. He made a wish, pushed up on his elbows and shook his head. I didn’t wish to walk again. I wished for her.
He looked over at Heisman. “C’mon boy, let’s howl at the moon.”
The next day, Jace debated. Should he go to the hospital to see Jimmy and risk running into Maggie? Or play it safe and stay as far away as possible. He admitted his defenses were weakening. He wanted to see her, but he wasn’t sure he could trust himself. No, this wasn’t about him and what he wanted. This was what she deserved. And it damn well wasn’t a man who couldn’t walk, give her a child, or except for an accident—cheat. He’d thought a lot about that lately. Truthfully, the reason for the wreck was due to him having second thoughts about going to Amanda’s house. If he hadn’t been thinking of turning around, he’d been paying more attention. But would he have turned around for sure? He’d like to think so. He gathered his resolve and picked up the phone. “Hello, Dad. Could you take me to visit a friend at the hospital?”
By the time they arrived at the medical center, it was mid-morning. While his dad went to get coffee, Jace went to Jimmy’s room and found him dozing. He rolled his chair to face the door, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Within a few minutes, a nurse came in to check on Jimmy and he roused.
“Hey, man, you going to sleep all day?” Jace asked.
“Damn, Jace Sloan. It’s good to see you.”
“You, too. You sure you’re not faking just to flirt with the nurses?”
“Yeah, well that might be true if Maggie were still here, but the rest of them can’t hold a candle to her.”
Jace’s heart slammed against his ribs. He clenched the arms of his chair. “What do you mean, if she were still here?”
“Oh, man. She told me the two of you had hit a rough spot, but I thought you knew she didn’t work here anymore.”
“You’ve talked to her?”
“Yeah. She’s been by a couple of times. She was here the other day.”
Jace bowed his head, fought to stop the tears, and spewed questions. “Did she mention what she’s doing or where she’s staying? How was she?”
“Beautiful. I asked her why she quit. Said it was complicated. I also asked if she thought y’all would get back together. Are you?”
Jace lost his thought as he tried to wrap his brain around the news. “What?”
“Are you getting back together?”
“I don’t think so.” He took a breath. “Enough about me. What about you and Laura?”
“She bailed a month ago. Hell, there’s no future in loving a dead man.”
“C’mon, you’re not going to die.”
“Yeah, I am. I may stay ahead of it for a while, but in the end, I’ll lose. I’m just marking time.”
“I understand. You want her to be happy, right?”
Jimmy cocked his head. “Once you accept the inevitable, you dig down and find out what kind of person you are. Turns out, I’m a selfish prick. I don’t care if she’s happy. I want to be happy. And she makes me happy. So if that means she’s got to be miserable while she does it, fine by me.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yeah, I do. That’s where you and I are different. I want her any way I can have her. Pity, guilt, obligation. I don’t give a shit. I want her holding my hand, stroking my cheek, wiping my brow, until I take my last breath. That’s why you’re a fool. You’ve got a woman who wants to be with you and you won’t let her.”
“Is that what Maggie told you?”
“No. Hospital gossip. As bad as your situation is I’d trade places in a heartbeat. Hell, I’d let them cut both legs off, to have a chance at thirty more years.”
“Cut the crap, you’ll outlive me. They make strides in cancer research every day.”
“I’m not saying I’ve given up, but I need to face facts. Wagging tongues say you asked her to leave because you can’t have kids. Is that right?”
“That’s part of it.”
“Hell, man. I can fix that for you. I’ll make a baby with her. Of course, I don’t want to do any of that turkey baster shit. I want the real deal. Candlelight, soft music, me naked with your wife.”
Jace laughed. “Yeah, I bet you do. But that ain’t happening.”
“Why the hell not? I’m the perfect candidate. I’ll be dead soon, so you’d never have to worry about me wanting to see the kid.”
“That might ruin your chances of ever getting Laura back.”
Jimmy’s eyes filled with tears. “She was my first. My first and only. I know things about her nobody else does. Like when she cooks, she listens to music and dances around the kitchen like a crazy woman. And ever since she saw that damn Spiderman movie, she loves to kiss me upside down. Some other dude won’t understand all of that. He won’t appreciate how sexy she is when she sucks in that little bit of air at the end of her laugh.” Jimmy’s breath hitched. “All of that belongs to me. At least it did. How can you let go of the little things Maggie does? I want you to tell me. Because I’m having a hard time losing that part of Laura.”
“Damn, Jimmy. Are you sure you’re only nineteen?”
“Yeah, but that’s fifty in cancer years.”
An hour later, when his dad pulled into the drive, Jace turned to face him. “Did you know?”
“What?”
“Don’t play with me, Dad. Did you know she quit her job?”
“Yes.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
“What difference would it make?”
“Dad…”
“What does it matter where she is, what she’s doing, or if she’s working or not? The truth is you don’t have the right to any of that. You lost that right when you asked her to leave. Why do you even give a damn?”
“Because I love her!”
“Yeah, well, you have a strange way of showing it.” He put his hand on his son’s shoulder. “You’re going to lose her, Jace. Keep pushing her away, because if you push long enough, eventually she’ll stay away.”
As soon as Jace got out of the car, he rolled to the mailbox, removed the letter, and rushed inside the house.
Dear Jace,
What if and why? I know that’s a game you’ve been playing lately. I’ve been playing it as well. What if you had been at that particular intersection two minutes later or two minutes earlier? Or not at all?
His stomach turned. She knows. How? Jared? No. As pissed as his brother was, he’d never tell her. He wouldn’t want to hurt her. But if it wasn’t Jared…Damn cell phone.
He continued.
Why did this happen to you? To us? Maybe there is no answer. It just happened. Life happens. Good and bad, and we can drive ourselves crazy trying to find a reason or place blame. Here’s my version of the game. What if I will always love you no matter what? And what if our happiest times are still ahead? But then I have to ask myself. What if you’ve decided to never ask me to come home? What then?
Maggie
His dad’s words rang in his ears. Push her away—she’ll stay away. A lump formed in his throat. He re-read the last two words. What then? Was she planning to move on? Earlier, when Jimmy mentioned giving up the little parts, the thought stabbed deep. Jace
missed everything. The way she smelled. Her giggle. Love notes she tucked into his shirt pocket. He didn’t know how much longer he could hold out. He unfolded the second sheet of paper and stared at it.
Journal Secret
I wasn’t honest with Jace today.
Home again, home again, Jiggety-jig.
~Mother Goose
Maggie choked on her hot chocolate and tried to regain her composure after reading the church marquee. Lying in bed shouting Oh God, doesn’t constitute going to church. She sputtered and laughed at the same time. Stepping back inside, she grabbed a tissue. Who comes up with those? Apparently, someone with a wicked sense of humor.
In control again, she pulled on bulky sweatpants and tugged a sweater over the waistband, then scrounged around under the bed to find shoes. According to her to-do list, she had a full day.
Even though rain poured most of the morning, she was in the best of moods. A few minutes past one o’clock she parked in front of Sloan & Sloan Architects. By then, the moisture had turned to drizzle, but nothing could ruin her good disposition.
Unclear as to why Jace’s parents wanted to see her, she hoped it had to do with him wanting her back home. Already five months since the accident and she couldn’t wait much longer. After days of consideration, she’d decided to force Jace’s hand.
Earlier, at the local newspaper office, the nosy secretary pressed for information why Maggie needed the form. But she succeeded in remaining vague, because she didn’t want anyone to know about the rehabilitation center project until she told her husband.
When she stepped into the office, Elizabeth rushed to her. “Maggie! I’m so glad to see you. Let me take your coat.”
Maggie stuck her hands in the pockets. “No, I think I’ll keep it. I’m chilled from the rain. How’s Jace doing? A few days ago, he looked good.”
“You’ve seen him?”
“Yes, I was the clown at Halloween.”
“Are you serious? Oh my goodness, that was brilliant.”
“I couldn’t resist. I wanted to see him so much.”
“It’s your letters. They’re all that keep him going. He’s getting out of the house more. He takes Heisman for a walk twice a day and he’s finally accepting visitors. Sam came by last week. Did you know he and Sarah are expecting?”
“Yes.”
“Well, come into John’s office. We have something we want to discuss with you.”
Her father-in-law crossed the room and kissed her cheek. “We miss you, sweetie. Why don’t you forget what he says and do what you want.”
“Soon, John. Very soon. I promise.”
“Well, Jace played basketball this week, but I’m not sure I like your rules. Kyle, Jared, Sam, and I had a rough game in those chairs. That was the first time Jace laughed that much since the accident.”
“I’m glad. Elizabeth says there’s something you want to discuss.”
“Yes, please take a seat.”
Once everyone sat, Elizabeth reached for a piece of paper from the desk and handed it to her daughter-in-law.
“That is an agreement signed by both of us. We’ve discussed this and think it’s a wonderful idea. We want you and Jace to use John as a sperm donor. It’s the perfect solution. The baby would have Sloan genes, and because John is the grandfather, you’d never have to worry about any kind of interference. I’ve read where parents do this sort of thing for their children. It was done by our attorney and states he’d never make any claim to the child. And, we’d never tell anyone.”
Maggie’s mouth hung open. “This is such a generous offer. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything right now.” John took her hand. “Jace is tormented. He doesn’t want you to go through life without a child because he knows how much that means to you. It’s killing him because he can’t give you one. This is as much for Elizabeth and me as for the two of you. It breaks our hearts to see him suffer. So give it some thought. Will you do that?”
She squeezed his hand. “Of course, I will. It’s a wonderful idea and the sweetest proposal you could ever make. It means the world to me.”
Elizabeth wiped tears. “Thanksgiving is coming and we want you there with us. Surprise Jace. If you show up I know he won’t send you away. I just know it.”
She hadn’t planned to tell them about her scheme, but couldn’t stand to see her mother-in-law upset. “I have a plan and this is what I need you to do.” Maggie gave Elizabeth the details and saw her eyes light up.
Jared poked his head through the doorway. “We’re still on for lunch, aren’t we?”
“Absolutely,” Maggie said.
“Great, I thought we’d walk across the street and get a hamburger. Is that okay with you?”
“Sure.”
A few minutes later, Jared opened the door for Maggie and ushered her inside the café.
“Your mom says Jace is better.”
Jared knitted his brows. “It’s those secrets you send him. He waits for them like a dog waits for a bone.”
“Yeah, he loves my secrets. Always has. Of course I don’t share every single one.”
“Yeah, there’s one you should never tell.”
“You’re right, and I hope you won’t either.”
“Are you kidding? There’s enough tension between the two of us concerning you as it is.”
“Why?”
“He’s jealous of me again. Thinks I want you for myself.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
He glanced away, then back at her. “Is it? If I’m honest, I wish I’d met you first. I always thought I’d be the one with the perfect wife.”
“I’m not perfect.”
“Close enough. I hate that things are strained between Jace and me. ”
“It isn’t you, it’s him. He looks at you and sees what he’ll never be again. Be patient. Once I’m home, he’ll get better.”
Two hours later, Maggie tossed the papers and folder onto the car seat, pulled out of the hospital parking lot, and turned toward The Herrington. Lord, life is full of surprises. The last thing expected from her in-laws was another sperm offer. She couldn’t help but laugh.
Back at the hotel, she gathered all the paperwork and stuffed it into a canvas bag. Once inside her suite, she shuffled through everything and divided it into piles, then shoved each stack into a separate envelope.
She removed the press release form, put a magazine under it for support, and began to write.
During groundbreaking ceremonies this morning, officials with the Covenant Health Systems announced plans for a new $3.8 million rehabilitation center. Situated separately from the hospital building, on the northern side of the property, this center will measure approximately 20,000 square feet. The facility includes a pool, gym, treatment rooms, athletic training, staff office, and support area.
The new center will provide outpatient physical therapy for those recovering from spinal cord injuries.
Jace and Maggie Sloan have committed the $3.8 million to fund the project, to be named ‘Jace Sloan Rehabilitation Center.’
Maggie attached the quote she’d gotten at the hospital.
Erwin Parham, senior administrator, Covenant Health Systems, noted the project will add twelve new jobs. “This gift is truly one from the heart, as this family has personally experienced the devastation of spinal cord injury. We thank them for their generous donation, which will touch and improve countless lives in the years ahead.”
Shoving it aside, she went to her desk, grabbed one sheet of pink paper and wrote five words. Then she folded and put it in a new envelope, sealed it with a kiss, and spoke into thin air. “You’re my ticket home.”
What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters to what lies within us.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Her letters were the worst addiction Jace could have. The anticipation generated euphoria, but the realization caused him to spiral into despair. He stared at the stack resting o
n his lap, each a vow of her undying love. There was no question concerning her devotion and desire. She spelled that out, but the unwritten questions tortured him.
As he refolded and replaced each one, words jumped in his brain. That intersection. You have to love me more than you hate your paralysis. Forgive yourself. I wasn’t honest with Jace.
Damn. That intersection. Forgive yourself. Did she know?
He pulled the latest letter from the pile and read it again. The last sentence caused his chest to ache. I don’t know how much more I can take. Funny. That’s exactly how he felt. But was that her way of telling him she’d waited long enough? She’d quit her job. Hell, nursing positions were everywhere. What if she planned to leave Lubbock?
He rubbed his hands over his face. What would he do if that happened? The thought of her disappearing from his life forever hit him like a wrecking ball. He rolled to the window. Heavy gray clouds covered the sky and brought the promise of snow. The wind picked up leaves and spun them in the air as he watched the mailman drive away.
“Hey, Kyle!”
Within a minute, the therapist appeared in the doorway. “What’s up?”
“Would you mind getting the mail?”
“Sure, be right back.”
In minutes he returned and handed over the pink envelope. Jace ran the blade under the flap and removed one sheet. His hand trembled and his heart pounded. He unfolded the page and not since saying I do had two words traveled to his heart as swiftly and affected it as deeply. In any other situation, it would be a time for celebration, applause, fireworks, victory. But not today.
Dear Jace,